Hoseok woke up to a nearly empty living room and the low drone of the television  playing a special on haunted places in their province. Hoseok looked to his left to find that Microwave had taken over the futon, woofing at him softly once he noticed that Hoseok was awake.

"Hey," Yoongi greeted as he came over from the kitchen, cup of coffee in hand. His eyes flicked toward the television. "Sorry, Tae turned this on before he left. You can put whatever you want on." He paused to hold up what looked to be a DVD with a mountain on the front. "According to Jungkook, it's a fascinating watch. But, like I said, that's according to Jungkook and his opinion is complete and utter trash, so you can take that for a grain of salt."

"I'll pass on the documentary," Hoseok said with a tired smile. Even though Yoongi's living room was carpeted, it was a far cry from the soft mattress Hoseok was accustomed to. That, and he'd been woken up by Jin's early morning call, but he'd just tried to go back to sleep because it felt invasive to listen in. He'd heard enough to get the gist of it anyway. He'd thought about talking to Jin, but maybe it wasn't his place, not yet. "Everyone else already headed out?"

Yoongi nodded, dropping the DVD on the futon beside Microwave and scratching the top of his head. "I think Lisa picked Jimin up, and Tae and Kook each headed back to their places or off to somewhere else, I don't know. Jin left for work, I think. Do you have to work today?"

Hoseok lifted a shoulder in a "sort of" gesture. "I do but my shift doesn't start until-" He squinted at the clock in the kitchen. "A few more hours. But I gotta get home to shower up and change."

"You took your car into the shop, right?" Yoongi asked, setting his other hand on the mug so he was cradling it in both. "Want a ride back to your place?"

"Let me see if my car's ready," Hoseok said, patting around on the ground under the futon and finally between the cushions before retrieving his phone. He scanned for calls from the shop, and when he came up empty, he looked up with a sheepish grin. "That would be great, actually. They usually have it ready the next morning but they were slammed last night so I'm not sure when it'll be done."

"No worries," Yoongi said, setting his coffee down on the kitchen island before stretching and cracking his back. "Just give me a few minutes to change and whatever."

"Sure," Hoseok agreed easily, scooting up on the futon next to Microwave and patting his side before grabbing the remote and surfing around. He skipped the news channels as usual and settled on some house hunter show.

Last night had been nice, he thought as he mindlessly watched yet another couple search for the impossible dream home to meet all their demands. It had been good to see everyone. They'd come a long way in the past few years, each of them. He hadn't ever imagined himself working to recover from his eating disorder, and if you'd asked him a year or two ago whether he thought he'd see Jimin and Taehyung at a party where the sole entertainment was alcohol, he would have laughed at the thought. Jin was all grown up now in a weird way, teetering on the line between adult and adult adult, and Yoongi...well, Yoongi hadn't changed much. He just had shinier appliances now.

Hoseok was happy to see Jungkook genuinely enjoying himself and not holding back. Sometimes he thought Jungkook had had it roughest of all, growing up blaming himself as a kid for something that wasn't really his fault and in turn driving a wedge between himself and his siblings. Hoseok knew that Jungkook had often thought of himself as "the third place triplet," always falling behind or failing to compare to the other two, and he was really happy to see that Jungkook was past that.

By the time the episode ended, Yoongi was ready to go, and Hoseok followed him out of the apartment and to the car.

--

"Do you have a way to get to work?" Yoongi asked after pulling up in front of Hoseok's place.

"I have a coworker who lives nearby," Hoseok said with a smile. "He said he can give me a ride, so I'm good."

"You sure?"

Hoseok nodded, opening the passenger door and stepping down from the car. "Thanks, Yoongi. I appreciate it. And congratulations again."

Yoongi just gave a nod. "Any time. See you soon."

"Take care," Hoseok offered with a wave as Yoongi headed out of the parking lot. He watched Yoongi's car disappear before he headed inside to his empty apartment.

It was weird, but now that he was alone, he felt like calling one of his brothers up. Being alone didn't feel lonely until you were reminded of what it was like to not be alone.

Maybe one of the triplets?

But that wasn't really fair since Jungkook probably had work. Jimin couldn't drive, and he currently didn't have a car to pick Jimin up. And it was probably wrong to assume that Jimin was free just because he didn't work a traditional 9-5 office job. Even though Tae didn't work a traditional 9-5 either, he knew he'd get endless grumbles about an upcoming deadline if he called. Best to let the artist work in relative peace.

Instead, Hoseok dialed a different number and held the phone up to his ear.

"Hoseok? Is that you?"

"Hi Mom," Hoseok said, breathing out as a feeling of relief slid over him. For some reason, talking to her always calmed him down. He wasn't sure how often the others called her, if at all. "How have you been?" He couldn't remember exactly when he'd last called her, but it had to have been a few weeks at least.

"I've been good," she said. She never told him too much about what she was up to, and he wondered if that was a protective mechanism. He wondered if she was raising another family, or if she'd found a better husband this time around. It was strange to think about his mom being a mom to some set of strangers, but he supposed it was possible. Somehow, though, he didn't think that was the case, or she wouldn't have sounded so lonely every time they talked. "What have you boys been up to?"

There was a clinking in background of a glass being set down. He wondered if he'd gotten her while she was working, but since she hadn't said anything about it being a bad time, he decided to keep the conversation going. "Yoongi just got approved to go off his epilepsy medication. I guess he grew out of it."

"That's wonderful," she said, and Hoseok nodded to himself. The apartment was starting to feel too empty despite his mom's voice; he'd have to buy a goldfish or something soon. "He's doing well, then?"

"Yeah, he's doing well. Pretty busy with his work, but it sounds like it's been going well for him." Hoseok paused; despite the chaos of last night, thinking about it still brought a smile to his lips. "Last night was...nice."

"Are you all good with everyone now?"

Hoseok hesitated. She was really the only person he'd told about feeling separated from his brothers. It had all started with Jeongyeon; letting her into their lives had been his fault. Some could argue that it was equally Yoongi's fault, but Hoseok felt responsible. She'd turned him against his brothers, and he hadn't really forgiven himself for that. But he felt like he couldn't talk about it with them because...he wasn't really sure why not. It just felt easier telling their mom instead of them, even if he hadn't exactly let her in on all the details. "I think so," he answered, a hesitant smile forming on his lips. "I didn't feel any of that tension last night. I think maybe...maybe it's gone now. Maybe we're okay." He gave a small laugh. "Just took a few years, I guess."

"I've never seen a family with siblings closer than you six," she replied after a moment, her voice slightly softer as though she'd moved into a separate room. "And I thank God for that, with everything you all got dragged through because of me and Song Eungi whoever the girl was who a made a mess of everything."

Hoseok shifted uncomfortably; his instinct was to say that nothing had been her fault. Their mom's, not Jeongyeon's, because lots of things were definitely Jeongyeon's fault. But their mom had played her role in their pain too. Hoseok had come to move past her mistakes, but that didn't erase them necessarily. It was possible to forgive and not forget. "We're very lucky," he said instead after a short pause. "There were a lot of times when..."

He paused, remembering their high school years. Jin, distant to the point of nonexistence. And the strange rift that had developed between the siblings that lived with their mom versus the siblings that lived with their dad. "When I wasn't sure that we'd all stay close, but we did," he finished after a moment.

"And you'll stay that way for a long time," she promised after a moment. "The one thing I've learned over the course of many mistakes is that if you show someone you love them, you don't grow apart, not really. It's only when you forget to remind them that things get messy and distant."

Hoseok thought that was at least partially true. Maybe not all the times, but partially at least. Maybe that was how she had framed what had happened between her and Namjoon, but it didn't quite wrap up how she'd left them behind. And why was the burden on him to remind others? Shouldn't they have to reach out to him, too? Sometimes he felt like he was always the one extending the olive branch, and it was sort of frustrating.

Of course, Jeongyeon had practically burnt down the entire olive tree, so maybe it wasn't a surprise that things had taken so long to heal over.

"How's the clinic?" she asked, sensing his reluctance to talk more on the matter.

"It's going well," Hoseok answered, pleasantly surprised. He didn't often get asked about his job because everyone else seemed to have much more glamorous lifestyles – Taehyung, the artist; Yoongi, the composer; Jin, the TV personality; even Jungkook was an auxiliary staff member for the entertainment industry. Jimin kept a low profile, but he'd always sort of been that way. All Hoseok could really say was that he worked at a self-help clinic, and it just didn't seem to measure up to his more successful brothers' stories. "I really like it," he continued. "I just...get too invested, sometimes. Probably because I see myself in everyone who walks through the door. I wish someone had told me it was okay to feel that way earlier."

He bit his lip because in truth, there had been people to support him from the beginning. Wonpil, who had known and stood by him from the beginning, and Jimin, who had been the first brother he'd told. Yoongi had helped him get through high school. And Jin had tried to politely push him into getting help. But their desires for his well-being didn't really matter until his desire for his well-being matched theirs.

He never got better, despite their best wishes, until he wanted to get better. And that had made all the difference.

"To feel what way?" she asked, and he stopped, trying to find a way to define it. He liked their conversations because she thought to ask things that nobody else did.

"To feel...resigned, I guess. Like there wasn't any other reality than living with the problem. That's how I felt for a long time. People would tell me to get help, but I never thought...I never felt like it would do anything. And maybe it wouldn't have, if I hadn't made the choice myself."

"But only when it got bad enough, right?" she asked after a moment, and he hesitated.

It was true that he'd only sought help for his eating disorder after nearly overdosing on pills that were meant to increase his appetite. Wonpil had had to take him to a clinic to make sure that he would be okay.

He wondered, if that had never happened, if he would have decided to get help. Because that was really the first time Wonpil had ever gotten angry with him, really angry with him. Hoseok had always sort of known that his disorder hurt the people around him, but it wasn't until Wonpil had pointed out how destructive his behavior was toward himself and the people around him that he'd decided to try something new. To try a long-term process instead of pills for a quick fix.

And he was better now. So much better. He liked the feeling of waking up in the morning not having to feel selfish for making other people worry about him and suffer with him.

"Right," he finally replied. "But I don't think I was ready before that. I don't know why not, but...it wouldn't have worked."

"I understand," she said. "But Hoseok...if something else comes up in your life...I hope you won't wait until you reach your breaking point. I don't want you to have to suffer through something unnecessarily. You can always talk to me, or your brothers, or your friend-"

A smile appeared on Hoseok's lips at the mention of Wonpil because, for all the suffering in his life, he knew he'd been blessed to have a friend like him.

"I know, Mom," Hoseok said, stretching and yawning widely. "And you can tell me anything too."

There was a small huff of what sounded like laughter, but it felt sad, somehow. "Parents aren't meant to burden their kids, Hoseok." Another pause. "Although I guess I've never been much of a parent, so we'll see," she added, not quite successful at lightening the mood.

They talked for a few minutes more before exchanging goodbyes. Hoseok hung up after promising her that he'd share a surprise he'd been working on (but not yet because it wasn't ready), and, with a final yawn, decided that he had enough time for a nap before work.

--

published 10/01/20 (mm/dd/yy)