Lisa locked the car and went inside, locking the door behind her before dropping the car keys on the front table. She found Namjoon sitting on the couch in front of the television, watching a rerun of one of Jin's cooking shows, but his eyes were sort of glazed over like he wasn't seeing the screen.

"Joon?"

He startled, looking over and rubbing at his face. "I was just resting my eyes," he immediately defended.

"That's fine, it's just..." Lisa hesitated. She didn't want to fight with him, but she was genuinely concerned, both from what she saw now and from what she'd heard from the Kim boys. She went around the couch and took a seat next to him, leaving a little space in between them. "I just feel like you've been watching a lot of television lately."

He shrugged, looking around for the remote. "I can turn it off if you want."

"I don't mind," she said, biting at her lip. "It's just, I want to make sure that you're taking care of yourself. You can't just watch TV all day, you know." She still felt a little uneasy from her conversation with Jimin earlier, and maybe she was letting it spill over into this, but it was hard for her to compartmentalize her emotions.

"Lisa, what's wrong?" Namjoon asked, looking over at her. He slid one hand on top of hers and rubbed his thumb in soothing circles over her knuckle, but she didn't respond to the touch in any physical way.

"Nothing," she said after a second, smiling, but her face felt pinched as though smiling were an unfamiliar action.

"What's wrong?" Namjoon asked again, reaching for the remote and turning the television off. He shifted so he was facing her instead of the TV.

"It's nothing, really," Lisa said, standing up, but Namjoon held onto her hand.

"Tell me, please?" he asked, and when she hesitated, he gave her hand a squeeze.

"I'm sorry," Lisa said after a second, and her eyes felt wet again even though she wasn't crying. "I just...I was talking with Jimin, and...I miss Jaebum," she said after a minute, her lips shifting in an attempt to control her emotions. "I'm sorry, I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to make you feel bad or confused or anything. I don't love Jaebum like I love you, it's not that, but..."

"He was your partner for many years," Namjoon said, staring up at her with clear eyes. "Of course his loss would affect you. And you don't have to keep quiet about it because you're worried about what I might think, Lisa."

"I know, I know that, and I love you, it's just..." Lisa wiped at one of her eyes with that hand that wasn't holding Namjoon's. "I was just thinking on the drive back about how I'm supposed to go back to work and sit next to a stranger. I can't...I don't know if I can handle that. I didn't even get to go to...to the funeral. I never had the chance to properly honor his memory."

"Then take some time off work," Namjoon said. It wasn't hard for him to encourage her, especially given her recent experiences in the line of duty. "Take some time off to properly heal and grieve."

"I don't feel like I can," she said after a moment. "If I'm not out there trying to make a difference, then I'm part of the problem, aren't I?" she asked after a second, the sign from earlier flashing into her mind.

ACAB

Not necessarily that all cops were bad, but that they allowed a corrupt system to persist and were therefore inherently bystanders to injustice. Although Lisa didn't know what she could feasibly do to change the actions of other policemen or the institution as a whole besides just doing her best to properly uphold the law without discrimination, bias, or unsanctioned use of force.

The memory from earlier flashed into her mind, the yelling and the screaming and the chanting, the pressing of bodies as people swarmed forward, bricks descending from people's hands-

She shuddered, and in doing so, her hand disconnected from Namjoon's. The room seemed to drop ten degrees in temperature. They were physically close, but she felt alone. "I'm scared," she said after a second, wrapping her arms around herself, and a few tears slipped loose, but she ignored them. "I'm scared to go back," she said after a second, an ugly taste emerging in the back of her throat. Fear. Cowardice. Reluctance.

"Someone tried to kill you," Namjoon said. "Or at the very least, hurt you badly." He tried to talk evenly about it because he knew that Lisa wanted a meaningful conversation, not a pity session about the unfairness of life, but he couldn't fight the anger in his words. "I don't want you going back out there."

"But then I'm just as bad as the cops who beat people up for no reason, aren't I?" Lisa asked, pulling her hands up to her hair and holding her head. She felt lost in this moment, so lost. She'd used to be grounded in her own principles, but the more time she spent watching the news and listening to other perspectives, the more she felt that the foundation of those principles was a false bottom. "I don't know what to do, Joon," she said quietly. She felt helpless. She hated feeling helpless.

"Quit," he said simply. He would have liked her to quit, to distance herself from the violence, but he knew that she was unlikely to accept the answer.

"That's what some of them say," Lisa said, her voice empty. "That people can't choose their skin color, but that we have a choice as to whether we work for law enforcement or not." She paused. "But there is no choice, Namjoon. Not for me. This is what I've always wanted to do. This is who I am." Her hands slid around to the back of her neck, massaging the sore skin there. Everything felt sore after being asleep for six months. "Every day, there are people in emergency situations that need urgent help. I can't...I can't quit and live on with the knowledge that I had been given the opportunity to help those people, and I'd turned it down."

"But you'd be safe," Namjoon said. Maybe it was selfish of him – it certainly was, on second thought – but his family mattered to him more than any other people in the world. Their safety came first to him, and he wasn't thrilled that he couldn't guarantee Lisa's safety in her current line of work.

The distance between Lisa and Namjoon was only several feet, but it felt to Lisa like the distance between the earth and the sun. "How can I enjoy safety when others can't?" she asked as though it were the most obvious fact in the world.

Namjoon was silent, and so was Lisa.

"I'm going to go back to work," she decided after a long moment. "Not yet. But soon. And I know that you don't agree with me, but I hope you'll support my decision."

"Of course I'll support your decision," Namjoon mumbled wearily. "I just don't like it."

"I know," Lisa said, swallowing. "But this is something I need to do, Joon. You get that, right?"

He was quiet.

"Joon?"

"I understand that you've always had an atonement mindset," Namjoon said after a long moment, no longer looking up at Lisa but instead looking back down at the table, his hands clasped loosely. "I understand that you think you owe the world something. I understand that you feel like your health and safety take a backseat to the health and safety of strangers."

"Don't say it like that," Lisa said after a moment, feeling her heart clench again. She hadn't wanted to fight. And maybe this didn't sound like a fight to anyone else. There was no yelling, no screaming. Just quiet discontentment, which was somehow worse. It made her feel guilty for being independent and for not agreeing with what he wanted her to do, but they'd always had different priorities in life. He'd understood that when they'd picked their relationship back up after a short break. "I'm not trying to atone for anything-"

"Then why go back? What do you think you owe them? They put you in a coma, Lisa. What more can you possibly give them?"

"It's not just about the people rioting in the streets. It's that my coworkers and friends are out there, risking their safety, and I'm in here, risking nothing. I want to be clear, Namjoon - I'm not asking for your permission," Lisa said stiffly. "I'm only telling you because I need to know that you'll be here to take care of things if something happens to me."

Namjoon looked up at her, mouth partially open. "You say that like you're expecting it to happen."

"It could. And if something like this happens again, or if...if I die in the line of duty, then I need to know that you'll take care of our family." Even now, Lisa was hesitant to use the word "our." Not because she didn't mean it; this family had welcomed her in, and she felt incredibly blessed. But it still felt like a word she wasn't allowed to use because, despite everything, she still was and would always be the outsider.

Namjoon scoffed, his confusion turning to the bitterness that Lisa hated to see. "I raised this family. I've been taking care of them for thirty years. And now you're questioning my ability to parent? Just what experience do you have, Lisa?"

"I'm not questioning your ability to parent," Lisa said slowly, ignoring his jab about her never having kids of her own. She needed to be calm, needed to make sure she wasn't misunderstood. "You did a great job raising all of them, better than anyone else could have done under the same circumstances. But when something happens, you check out, Namjoon. And I need you to promise me that you won't do that if something happens to me."

He exhaled sharply. "You were in a coma, Lisa. What, did you expect me to just go on with my life like everything was fine and dandy?"

She threw her hands up, quite honestly pissed at his attitude. "Yes, Namjoon, I was in a coma, but that's no reason for your kids to have to give up their time and aspirations to make sure you're okay. Jimin had to find a job that would let him work from home so he could take care of you every single day. Do you think that's really what he wanted to do with his life? And Jin- Jin is so incredibly busy with his job, but he still carved out time from his other obligations to come over and make sure you had something to eat."

"They're my kids," Namjoon said after a moment.

Lisa tensed. "Yes, they're your kids, but they're adults too, Namjoon. They have things they still want to do and accomplish, but they can't move on with their lives if they're taking care of you all the time."

"Maybe, I don't know, they care about me because they love me," Namjoon suggested after a moment in a snarky tone.

"I don't like when you talk to me like that," Lisa said after a second, her voice quiet and her body still. She hated these sorts of fights, hated hearing words that would linger in her mind and twist around her thoughts like snakes, squeezing and suffocating her. Harsh words from a loved one would always hurt more to Lisa than a brick from a stranger. "All I'm trying to say is that, if something happens to me, I need to know that you'll be here – not checked out, not in some haze – to be strong for the boys and to take care of them." She paused, still feeling hurt from their conversation. "And maybe they don't care about me like they care about you, so maybe they won't need someone to be strong for them, but I still think that you need to consider the people who are relying on you before selfishly assuming that you're the only one suffering."

She cleared her throat, feeling sick and sad and exhausted. She'd been trying to seem more energetic than usual to create the illusion that being in a coma had left her no worse for the wear, but she felt incredibly exhausted and sore all over from the physical therapy exercises that she did every day. Arguing with Namjoon did nothing to ease the physical aches, just created mental ones to keep them in good company. "I'm sleeping in Jimin's room tonight," she said after a moment before leaving the room. She hated, hated, hated fighting with Namjoon, but the last thing she wanted to do was let her words be washed away by late night intimacy if they were to sleep in the same room. She meant what she'd said, even if it had hurt both of them to say it.

--

published 09/06/20 (mm/dd/yy)

a/n: Thanks for your patience guys! I had the next chapter written but wanted to squeeze this one before the second part of the boys' party. And I know in the comments that there's been a bit of political discussion - I knew when I set out to write this story that it was a risk I was going to run because I believe these issues need to be talked about in depth.

However, I'm trying to show more than just one side of the issue (a straight BLM/ALM perspective, for instance). The characters in this story discuss their beliefs and at times even doubt and question their beliefs - that's part of the process of thoroughly examining an issue instead of just picking a side and running with it. I'm in this same process, and I've had some really good conversations with friends and even users on Wattpad discussing our differences in opinion and what formed those opinions in depth. So whether you're a staunch advocate of one side or another, I would appreciate if you would all understand that the characters are trying to examine the issue for themselves. If y'all want to discuss politics in the comments, sure, go ahead, just please be respectful of other readers. You're all entitled to your own opinion, even if someone else disagrees with it. As for this book, the best part about it is that - you don't even have to agree with the conclusions the characters reached :) Because they're fictional characters :) In a fictional work :) That will never even receive actual publication or monetary compensation :) So relax :)

Just remember that listening and contemplating perspectives apart from your own make you a stronger thinker and can help you really examine your own beliefs along the way to either reconfirm them or possibly reconsider them.

Thanks for listening to my TED talk. Sorry the update is late, new chapter will be out soon :) take care y'all