{{ white lips, pale face ; breathing in snowflakes ; burnt lungs, sour taste ; light's gone, day's end ; struggling to pay rent; long nights, strange men }}

phil's pov

i looked over the guy and he was quite beautiful; he had white lips and a pale face, and it was winter, and suddenly snowing, and he was breathing in the snowflakes.

"who are you?" i asked. "how do you know my name?"

"i love you phil. ever since i first saw you. i didnt believe into love at first sight until i saw you. you're so sexy and emo its amazing. and i see how you get bullied at school by that knobhead alfie deyes so i kidnapped him and all his friends so they could never hurt you again." he smiled, "i'm the slenderdan btw."

"slenderdan?" i asked. "is that your real name?"

"no, my name... that's who i am. i am this tentacled monster, i am slender. i am the slenderdan." he began to cry.

"no you're not a monster. those preps like alfie deyes are the real monster. to me you are dan, and i think you are beautiful." i said bravely.

"even though i have tentacles?" dan looked up not crying anymore.

"yes dan." i said. "even though you have tentacles."

"even though I'm about 10ft tall-"

"yes dan!" i yelled, "it's all ok, i think you're beautiful for you, and these love notes are so touching i can't believe you did this all for me."

"i love you lots. will you be my boyfriend?" dan asked very tentatively.

i paused. "maybe we should go on a date first??? do you have any ideas.??"

"you come back to my hoe palace and watch me murder alfie and his friends." dan suggested.

"perfect." phil said with a smile.

~

dan's pov

we stood at my hoe palace. i could not believe that phil lester loved me. this was like a dream come true and he accepted me for who i was. it really was beautiful and i felt tears i n my eyes as i led him inside of my hoe palace.

"there they are." i said and showed him where alfie, marcus, zoella, and libby minshall were tied up ready to be killed.

"phil! help save us!" alfie yelled up at phil noticing him.

i extended one of my tentacles to slap him across the face with.

"wow alfie did u actually come up with an idea that i hadn't give you first?" phil exclaimed. "that's a first. well guess what it's shit. so rip in peace u shitstain." 

"rekt m8." i said before reaching out with my tentacles and strangling each of them one by one. phil watched me as i did so.

"thank you." he said when i had finished and turned to me. he blushed and i would have too if i could but unfortunately my skin was permanently white. "can i kiss you?" he said

"yes u don't have to ask." i told hm.

"can u... uhh bend down ur like 456789 ft tall."

"oh shit ye." i said and did so and then we kissed it was very good.

and we lived happily ever after in the hoe palace. the end.

<3

happy april 1st guys

the real joke is that this shit is 3k words long

my life is the joke