•Memories / Maroon 5•

"It seems all good with your IUD,'' Claire, my colleague and my gynecologist, says; her chair dragging away from my open legs as she takes her gloves off.

I keep staring at the white ceiling for a few more seconds, frozen in the same position since the moment I laid here. The vibrant lights don't help with my headache caused by my hangover, let alone with the sickness that comes and goes.

I've never liked going to the doctor – to be one as a profession, yes, but to be the patient? Never. Ever since my dad went inside the hospital and never got out, I've learned how this place can be where you take your last breath.

And it doesn't help that I'm in the company of the same doctor who witnessed the worst moment of my professional life. I honestly don't know how to regain my dignity after that day.

Claire watches me out of the corner of her eyes for a moment, and I can see the questioning dancing in her irises. I swallow, forcing myself to sit, throwing my legs over the bed. My hands open and close next to me as I go straight to the bathroom, my head swimming in memories and hangover.

I leave the door slightly ajar, not wanting to be completely locked in the tiny lavatory, and I head to the sink. I wash and rub my hands. Every one of my fingers. The valleys between them. And I repeat. My eyes are frozen, admiring the water running down my hands.

''Bernardi? Is everything okay?'' Claire's calm voice interrupts my compulsive thoughts, and my body stops for a second. Soon after, it starts to relax, my breathing comes out easier. I have to use all my willpower to close the tap as my mouth lets out a painful sigh.

''Lena?'' Claire knocks on the door, and I take a step away from the sink, heading towards my clothes.

''Yes, yes. Just give me one minute,'' I say quickly. I carelessness take off the hospital gown, finally being able to feel less of a patient. If I could, I would avoid forever being in this position, but I was the one who wanted to get the contraceptive device, and now I need to do semiannual check-ups.

I put on my black legging and my beige sweater, loosening my hair and feeling its tips brush on my shoulders. I inhale deeply before walking back to the consultation room, preparing myself for the questions Claire's going to throw at me.

''Physically, everything seems in order. However, I'm still going to ask for a full blood panel. You can do it after you get back from your trip,''  she says casually, her eyes studying me. ''Chloe told me about your vacation. I really think it's a great idea, Elena.'' I nod, observing the cabinets behind Claire's head.

My eyes find the small window that is right at the top of the wall, allowing some of the late morning light to enter.

''How are you feeling? Have you been sleeping properly? How has been your emotional state these past few days?'' she continues in a single breath. I blink a few times trying to breathe with the weight of her questions.

I honestly don't know how I feel. Sometimes, it just seems like I'm a passenger in my own life. My nights are sleepless or filled with nightmares. My emotional health has reached its limit. You've seen it first hand, darling.

''Claire,'' I start, moving my gaze towards her. ''It's all right. I'll do the tests when I get back. I'm fine, everything is fine,'' I answer, opening a small smile.

''Have you seen the results of the genetic test already?'' My eyes shut with her new question. That's exactly why I didn't want to come today; I just wanted to avoid this topic. Claire always brings it back, and I understand her good intentions, but I still don't want to hear it. For the last few months, everyone felt in the right to tell me how to feel and what to do. It's my choice  - mine. ''Elena...''

''No!'' My head snaps to her figure. My voice comes out harsh. ''I know what you're going to say. And a part of me agrees with you. But I can't. I just... can't,'' I say, walking towards her.

I squeeze her arm as she looks at me for one second before fixing her gaze on the computer on the stand. I breathe a little easier now as she finishes typing my paperwork. In the end, she gives me the request for the blood tests and my signed IUD card, confirming the appointment six months after its insertion. Claire gives me another smile while wishing me a good trip, and I leave the room quickly, holding tight to my purse's handle.

I walk down the aisles with my head throbbing, thanks to the dehydration caused by my drinking and the thoughts surrounding the envelope thrown inside the drawer of my bedside table. Inside the orange envelope, there is an important answer. But I honestly don't know if I have the guts to face it. To open that wound again.

Some answers can be dangerous. And I'd rather just bury it alongside many other things.

Before meeting Claire, I left some paperwork in the chief of the residency program's office. During the last two days, I've finished my reports and organized everything, even fixing the attendants' timetable, so I don't get left behind.

I also said goodbye to Mendes earlier today, and my chest tightens, remembering his nice last words. We have always shared a special connection; I know what he needs in the operation room before he even has to ask. I am his favorite among all the residents - sucks to be you, Jayjay. And in return, he defended me when I needed it.

As I walk, I admire every detail around me. The bright lights, the scent of bleach, and the incessant noises of machines. I even admire some memories, recalling the small fragments of my life that happened right here –  remembering Ella and so many other losses.

You never know when the last time will be. And that's completely scary. There are so many last things I wish I'd enjoyed more. I wish I'd paid more attention so I could remember better. In the end, everything becomes just memories.

They're all you have left, keeping you company.

And for the rest of the day, as I walk back to my apartment and lay the whole afternoon on my bed, I let the memories drown me in.

🩺🩺🩺

I remember once I worked with an Alzheimer's patient. I decided at that moment that my biggest fear was losing who I am that way – feeling all your sanity and past dripping between your fingers. My greatest fear still is forgetting all my memories. My second biggest is that I will never be able to let them go.

I also remember when my father died. How my mother kept her chin up high at the funeral. Her amber eyes shone more than usual, but no tears were shed.

She wouldn't let me see the coffin up close, saying it wouldn't be nice to watch a 13-year-old girl breaking down in the middle of the salon.

For three days following the funeral, she didn't get out of bed. Her pale hands tightly clung to my father's pillow. She didn't make any sound – it wouldn't be appropriate, those being her recurrent words. And I just broke internally watching her from afar.

After these days, she just got up, told me to pack all my stuff and made a lot of calls. At the end of the month, our house had been put up for sale and we were moving to the other side of town.

I was able to take my clothes, toys, and books. But I couldn't take the stair's step on which I hit my head when I was a kid, the incident providing me a whole afternoon with my father giving me all the strawberry ice cream I could eat. Nor I could take the paint stains from the kitchen floor caused when I needed to do a huge art project and my father helped me, in the end the two of us getting completely dirty with various colors.

It's funny how much we lose ourselves when someone important goes away. And you don't know what to do with the rest that's left of you. You don't know what to do with the love that was reserved for that special person – you throw it in the trash; you swallow it?

My mother chose to hide it. She sold our home. She packed up all my father's things and left them locked in an empty room of our new house. She stopped mentioning him – and when I dared to question it or ask to see the old photos, the woman in front of my eyes would just ignore me. And I hated her for all of this.

I promised to never forget the memories. I wanted to prove that I could survive without her, so I quickly matured. I swore never to become my mother. But look at me now - hiding documents on my bedside table, running away from people, locking all the memories in a room in my apartment.

Genetics sucks. And I should understand her better now, but the truth is, I hate my mother even more. I hate myself too.

All this memories flood my mind as I stay still in the middle of my apartment's hallway, my eyes moving between the damn door and my cellphone.

''Can we talk?''

''You're not really going to travel, are you?''

''You wouldn't dare, Lena.''

''Don't you dare!''

''Please.''

''Talk to me, Elena. I beg you. Just once.''

''I love you.''

''Please.''

These and so many other messages flash on the cell phone, all texts from this morning. While one of my hands runs through my hair; the other holds the button of the phone, turning it off.

I leave the device inside of my pocket, hiding one more thing. I travel tomorrow morning, and I really wouldn't go forward with it if I answered his texts, let alone if I looked at his green eyes.

I swallow hard, admiring once more the white door, my personal black hole. It is where I, just like my mom did more than a decade ago, hide my pains and memories.

That is also the place where we had our last fight, he trashing everything around. That is the place where I would always go at the end of the day, my lifeless body sitting on the chair in the middle of the room.

I had the whole afternoon just to myself today. When I came back from the hospital, my apartment was empty and I enjoyed the alone time while Chlo and Jay were doing groceries. I stayed under my covers, and I still can't believe my best friend for once listened to my pleas and left me be for a couple of hours.

I just wanted to wallow myself in my own self-pity and grief of my past relationship. His green eyes used to carry only love, now they are mixed with hate when he looks at me. And it hurts. More than six years together and it all ended this way.

Shaking my head, I follow towards my bedroom, carrying the suitcases to be filled with clothes and toiletries. Chloe, Jason and Chris are waiting in my room, all here to help me pack tonight.

I enter my bedroom, noticing Chloe moving in all directions, picking clothes. Chris is thrown into my armchair, his legs stretched and his eyes closed. Jason is plopped on the end of my bed, folding some clothes that Chloe keeps throwing blindly.

When a set of lace lingerie lands on my feet, I leave the empties suitcase and travel bag at my side as I clear my throat and lean down.

''Chlo, darling, I'm not going on my honeymoon. I don't need this kind of clothes,'' I say while holding with two fingers the tiny pantie. She looks at me with a deadpan expression as I smile sheepishly.

''You never know who you might meet on this trip. Always carry an outfit for a hot date.'' I roll my eyes, throwing my pantie on Jason's face right before start going through some clothes too.

''I'm not going to fold underwear by myself, wake up asshole,'' Jason says, tossing a coat on Chris, the latter sits straighter now.

We put on a playlist and the songs fill the air around us as the hours go by. Me and Chloe have argued more than once about pieces of clothing, in the end I always giving up. The stars shine bright in the sky as the night stretches and I go to my bathroom, separating my toiletries.

When I look at the jewelry box on my sink, I find myself not knowing what to take. I admire the earrings, rings and bracelets, my fingers going through them. My eyes rise finding the photograph in the mirror and I swallow a lump.

I shake my head and quickly grab all my jewelry, putting them inside the toiletry bag, not giving a damn that I'm taking way more than necessary. My fingers go toward the mirror and hold the photo. My body turns, my hair hitting my face in the sudden movement.

I throw the small bag in the suitcase and, without stopping, my legs follow to my bedside table. I open the drawer, the wood creaking with the hard tug. I grab some other photos and the orange envelope trying to not look much at them. I search for a briefcase and put all the papers inside it.

I turn facing my bed, putting the folder inside my black backpack. My friends' gazes are directed at me, but I only give them a small smile as my feet continue their movement. Going to my closet now. I stretch up, my fingers finding the delicate cloth in the top shelf.

It's a small peach blanket that my dad bought even before I was born. It was one of the only things I was able to keep away from my mom, so she wouldn't lock it with all the other recollections of my father. And it was also one of the few things I wasn't able to hide in my own memories' room.

The baby blanket has always been the most comfortable place to be and, even though I want to leave it all behind for one month, I really can't force myself to not take small things alongside me. I am terrified to forget.

And I am terrified to learn who I am without all of this - all of this pain.

My fingers fold the peach fabric, feeling its delicate touch with every movement as I walk back to my bed. I leave the blanket on top of other clothes in the suitcase, only now releasing a breath I didn't realize I was holding.

I look around and my friends stare at each other, but they don't say a word. Jason continues to sit at the bed's edge while Chris is now thrown into one of the tiny free spaces on the mattress.

"This dress is beautiful," Chloe whisper-yell as she twirls holding the clothe against her body. It is a red dress, with spaghetti straps and a V-neck cleavage. It floats through the air lightly, the light illuminating its ripples. I haven't used it yet and it is way too fancy, I shake my head as my fingers find the bridge of my nose.

''You can get it for yourself then,'' I say, and she sticks her tongue out.

''Stop being boring. One more piece of clothing won't hurt.''

''No.'' My eyes widen, trying to win this battle, ''Besides, it will be cold there, this is a summer dress.''

''Duh. Wear a coat on top, silly,'' she argues back, going around my body and starting to delicately fold the red fabric.

''No.''

''Yes.''

''No.''

''Yes,'' she says putting the dress on top of the blanket in the suitcase and staring at me with her eyebrows raised. I try to grab the piece of clothing, but she hits my fingers away and I throw my hands up.

She closes the suitcase and I basically have to sit on top of it so Chloe can zip up. I take the baggage off my bed, putting it on the floor. Jason throws his head back and screams in celebration, falling on the mattress. Chloe and I giggles and throw ourselves on top of the two stretched guys on the bed.

''Finally, all done,'' Chlo speaks, yawning. I turn my face to the side, observing my best friend's soft features.

''Don't have sex in my bed, okay?'' I mutter, frowning my face and she laughs. ''And, uhmm, run in the mornings again.'' Her face gets serious now, staring at me as her head tilts to the side, eyes shining with compassion.

She smiles and agree nodding. Her lips tremble as she pulls me close, her arm circling my shoulders. Jason hugs her by the other side, his long arm going over Chloe and patting me in the head like I am a dog. On my other side Chris snores, my heart getting lighter.

''You're really going,'' my friend says, squeezing me. Her voice is cheerful, but with some hints of nostalgia.

I smile, internally saying goodbye to all the memories for a couple of weeks. To everything that happened in the past year. To Owen and what I did to him. To Emily and our secret. To the green eyes and all of our pain. Even to Chloe and our silent problems. To me, and especially to my guilty.

Yes, I'm going. Finally.

——•:•——
HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE CHAPTER. DON'T FORGET TO VOTE. THANKS FOR READING

- any thoughts on this chapter? Hope my story is not getting too tiring with all the mysteries hehe

-any theories??? The genetic test? And all  about the pictures and the blanket? It all connects in a way

-the next chapter is an extra one, 3 years ago with Elena and green eyes (and we finally get a name yeyyy). After it, it will be all about the trip, self discovery and the new guy