although at first I regretted my decision to follow her, the rides that had managed to get out the breakfast I ate this morning, seeing her smile without stopping throughout the day was worth the all the torture I had felt.

we have sat quietly on a plastic boat and started to surround a vehicle called the Doll Castle. not much interesting for me but seeing this woman beside me excited like a child is definitely a much more interesting thing than anything.

"neoneun neomu haengboghae."

"ne, this is one of the best memories I have with my father. just like them. I remember this doll castle the most."
she said, pointing to a father who was busy explaining something to his daughter in front of us.

"does that mean that every year we have to go to this place?"

she put his arms around my arm and leaned his head.

"anieo, I'm happy to have at least new memories in this place with you. maybe later... when we have a fam---"
she raised her head like she think twice to finish her sentence.

"have another chance."
she continued, still with a smile on her face.

the sky was dark when our boat came out of the arena. she looked at the sky for a moment before finally returning to pull my hand to join in running with her. her steps stopped when we arrived at the door entering the Ferris Wheel.

"ige majimag?"
my question was answered with a nod of her head still excitedly. did she realize that the joy she showed lately made her look very stunning.

when lined up waiting for my turn, I realized that she had been pay attention the family before us. if my guess is correct, they are the same family as the family we met in the doll castle. there is a father who is busy explaining everything to his daughter who doesn't stop asking questions. while the mother makes sure the toddler in her sling is still asleep.

I grab her hands back to get her attention.

"you are very interested in that family. do you like children?"

"maybe. you?"

"not too much. they are noisy."
then she laughed.

"what's wrong with my answer?"

"you must be an attractive father."
that sounded strange enough even to surprise me.

various kinds of thoughts about her words began to fill my head. I remember how jieun always talk about that topic became father when she tried to ask for certainty from our relationship.

I shouldn't think that far from what Chaeyoung might just say. the line in front of us began to move fast and finally we entered. the view from above this ferris wheele is amazing. almost every part of this area is visible from where we are now.

"Jeongguk.."
her call caught my attention.

"thank you for everything."

without being able to control, a smile adorned my face. does she know that she looks so beautiful now.

"even though I know it's possible you won't like what I will ask, but I need to know the answer."

too analyzing what she said, the bad feeling returned to my mind.

"do you love me?"

she looks awkward. her hands gently squeezed her jeans. her breath was stuck waiting for an answer from me.

I know today will come. the times she demanded something that I myself wasn't even sure of it. realizing that I wouldn't be able to see her face, I lift my gaze from her.

"I know this gonna happened. I know the direction of your conversation."

"w-what do u mean?"

"I know that you have planned this all from the start."

"I don't understand at all.."

"wedding. you want a marriage, right?"

she fell silent just hearing what I said. what I mean is that my guess must be right on target. I'm sure she knows me. enough to know me to understand the reason I said.

"I'm not ready, Chaeyoung. after what I experienced, I have even forgotten that intention."

"that not what i mea--"

I grabbed her hand again. its enough that we both know the meaning of our relationship.

"can we just be like this for now? living together without problems, enjoying everything before we are saturated with each other."

not getting an answer from her, this ferris wheele suddenly stopped. the officer asked us to hurry out.

another thundered sound. water drop have begun to fall. we must hurry to find shelter. she still followed my steps until finally I felt she pulled her hand from my grip.

"you haven't answered my question. do you love me? "

the rain is getting heavier and this is not the right time to discuss the purpose of her question.

"I hope you understand that I'm not ready for that."

I kissed her forehead gently hoping that she could understand my situation now.

"I understand."
she whispered almost inaudibly.

I think meeting her is the best thing that ever happened in my life.

***

sitting in silence with her made me remember the last time we did this together. if the answer I gave was different, maybe we wouldn't sit side by side like two stanger like now. the wind blew louder and almost flew her hat which was now being held by one of her hands.

the blue bag that was previously attached to her shoulder was just put on the empty space of this bench where we were sitting as if deliberately giving a line between myself and her.

from this close distance, I can see herself in detail. the smell of her hair faintly smelled. although it's no longer the same but still calming. a bracelet looked peeking out from behind the brown cardigan she was wearing. red nails match the color of the lipstick she used last night.

various rings with exotic models adorn the fingers of her hand. I hope the wedding ring is not one of them.

her view is still directed at the expanse of flowers in front of us. is that interesting the view in front of her or all of this is she just trying to avoid me?

"how are you?"

I myself can hear vibrations in my voice. she breathed for a moment then threw slowly.

"fine."
her answer without turning her eyes.

we again quietly let the wind hit our faces. where did the resolve that last night I managed to overtake? she reached for her cellphone, looked at it for a moment then let it in her grasp. I was surprised to find her turning and now pointing her eyes at me.

"I have to go back to the hotel in twenty minutes."

"where did you go five years ago?"
I can't waste more time.

"I guess what happened five years ago is not important anymore."

this is definitely not the answer I have ever expected.

"important to me."

she laughed, looking a little disparaging.

"you don't change."

"what do you mean?"

"of course everything must be about you."
she said in a whisper while turning back to the front.

"what happened five years ago is..."

"something we should forget."
she successfully completed my sentence.

"look where we are now. five years is not a short time. when the possibility that the nightmare is almost completely forgotten, why should we discuss it again?"

every word she said calmly without any impression of anger or sadness.

"so for you our past is only a nightmare?"

"do you think it could be called as beautiful dream?"

it's amazing to see how when I run out of words, she can be so calm when she says everything.

"there are many memories that are impossible to forget"

"of course that only to you. there is nothing I want to remember. for me forgetting everything is the best choice."

"what I want to say is..."

my words stuck when she rushed to pull her hand when she realized my intention to hold her hand. maybe that idea seemed terrible to her.

the palm of her hand is now open in the air and at the same time I begin to feel the water falling in my hands.

"we should back to our lives and not discuss this proble again."
she reached for her bag then got to her feet. should this just end?

"we've been fine so far. so the best choice is to remain that we're a stranger to each other."

she had walked away from this garden. is this the revenge fot me?

I can't let her go away. not for this moment. I saw she was halfway to the main road. a car stopped not far from where we were and I saw the man appear then wave to her.

her steps are getting faster when the water drops from the sky are getting heavy. I ran after her steps. I grabbed her shoulder, made her turn around and return her to face me. she had removed her glasses. even with raindrops, I could see the shocked expression clearly visible on her face. her eyes were red.

how can she be so close but feels so far at the same time.

still with breath panting, I pulled her body away from the distance between us.

I miss her. miss her so much. even hugging her as tightly as this is not enough to describe how much I miss her.

"forgive me,"
I whispered at her.

she was just silent in my arms. didnt reply or reject what I was doing. her hands dangled just like that on both sides of her body. even though I wasn't fully satisfied with embracing her, I managed to convince myself to let go of my arms and find her gaze. this is my last chance to make sure she feels the way I feel.

Plak!

what I felt next was a sharp pain in my cheeks. tears had pooled in both of her eyes.

"don't you ever think you can treat me just like before."

her hands were clenched on both sides of her body.

"and don't you dare to do anything like this again in front of my fiance."

vote and comment are highly appreciated~