"annyeong jeongguk-ah.. how do you feel today?"

I remember her name, Sunny nurse. not caring about the fact I always ignored her, she always tried hard to build a conversation between us.

"today we will go to the garden before the physiotherapy schedule.."

again, the actual invitation is an absolute command for patients who are dying like me. she approached, holding me to stand then walked with me to a small garden in this hospital.

sometimes she tells about several other patients she's handling. most of them don't ask for answers, just tell stories. its amazing how the profession seems to make it a trained person to accept rejection and be kind about it.

she occupied me in a long chair in the middle of the garden. I don't understand how this hospital tries hard to cure the patients but on the other hand, destroys the opportunity to recover completely.

today the weather is a bit windy. most patients here are accompanied by family. some sat in a wheelchair and some walked along with an IV hose. I was lucky because I could still walk even with the help of sisters and sticks.

they said I just needed to rest to recover from the post-traumatic accident I had. they also said that I would be able to walk normally again if I routinely underwent all therapy sessions diligently.

they didn't understand that the only medicine that could cure me was to meet her at that time. now after the promises they make, in fact I still in this hospital.

a hand touched my shoulder softly. she always comes at times like this.

"how are you doing, jeongguk?"
Jieun took a seat beside me. I still feel annoyed about her. I understand she loves me but still.

"how long will you be like this, Jeongguk?"

I'm still silent.

"um.. Jeonggukie, have you eaten?"
the tone she used suddenly turned cheerful. too forced.

"will you eventually treat me like they treat patients with mental disorders?"
I saw her expression change.

"it is not like that. you only... "

"accident trauma?"
I said. my laugh sounded the same as my mind.

"you know it's definitely not an accident that made me like this."
I continued, she still refused to reply to my gaze.

"that also makes you got an accident."
she brought it up again.

"how many times do I have to tell you that I tried to save a small child on the road. that child can get hit if I do nothing."

she looked down then a tear ran down her cheeks. she began to cry.

"at first I thought everything would be alright. but.. if you like this, continue to believe what you believe, I'm afraid everything will be too late. "
she sobbed even more.

"that child you mean... he never existed Jeongguk"

she wiped her tears with her fingers. then she took a breath and looked back at me after being seen successfully convincing herself of what she was doing.

"according to the doctor, it's possible that the child is an embodiment of the excessive regret you have."
she held my hand tightly.

"that is absolutely impossible. if it was like that, I should have seen Chaeyoung, not a child who I didn't know at all."

"only you understand the reason behind it. do you remember how the past five years you always find other people as Rosie? at first I thought it was all just a coincidence, but now.. "
tears flowed down her cheeks again.

"they say this can be treated. promise me when you will try as hard as possible."
she continued again with other promise i should keep.

is it true that I finally lost my mind completely?

---

the calm I had at the hospital made me almost forget the noise of the Seoul City that welcomed me now.

we finally arrived in a building soaring with memories of her. I myself am not sure that I will be completely fine back to the place I call home now.

Jieun put her hand around my hand to help me walk. she really didn't need to do it because I was fully able to walk alone. on her side, Hyunjin, her husband helped bring two large bags of clothes along with some items that had accompanied me to spend time in the hospital.

one full month I underwent a variety of treatments. Physiotherapy helped me regain confidence in the ability of my legs to support my body. while doctors are convinced that everything that happened five years ago is not my fault. that everything really cannot be changed. that I can't do anything but accept it.

and the fact that God has a plan for every human being, including myself, Chaeyoung and our child who never being born.
slowly I began to accept the idea even though it was still difficult to forgive myself.

after undergoing deeper therapy, it was found that my greatest fault was to let my own child die and be lost just like the child I had created in my head.
that child in the street I tried to save was the manifestation of our child who wasn't born. I was repeatedly reassured that he was happy in heaven there.

all of this made me realize that it was not only Chaeyoung who was experiencing such suffering. in fact I'm more dying than her.

"are you sure you don't want to stay with us for a while?"
Jieun worried about me again.

"anieo, I don't want to disturb the romance of the couple who are happy with the news of their first child pregnancy."

she slightly blushed and then looked awkwardly towards Hyunjin, who was greeted by a gentle swipe on Jieun's shoulder.

"yah, look at the way he talk. he must be fine without us Jieun-ah."
Hyunjin gave a nosy smile towards us.

"don't forget to take your medicine and contact us if there's anything."
she continued.

"you seem to have succeeded in becoming a mother even before your child was born."

"I'm talking seriously about my words rn Jeongguk."

"ne eomma.."
I and Hyunjin laugh together.

before they leave me with a bag that is now under my feet, Jieun hugs me again.

"welcome back home, Jeongguk."
she whispered softly while gently stroking my back.

"never forget your promise."
she is the best friend I have in my life.

"visit us when you are fully healthy."
Hyunjin tapped the right side of my shoulder full of friendliness.

"take care Jeongguk."

"gamsahamnida hyung."

Hyunjin grabs Jieun's hand then walks closer to the apartment lobby's automatic door.

when I was sure the two of them had disappeared from my sight, I immediately rushed over to the reception desk, left the bag I had and rushed out to find a taxi.

I'm sorry Jieun. even though I promised I would never try to look for it again. I still have to meet her for the last time...

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