A gold shiny ray of light splattered the dark red wall in my room. I felt even more hopeless looking at it, cause I knew I couldn't shine like that anymore. Something turned out the light I had inside since everything started. A black hole has been opened in my chest, and I'm being sucked into it. I'm dissolving into some kind of oblivion that's getting into my skin like a thousand burning needles at fast speed. I felt like I was some of the dust particles floating around the ray of light crossing my room, and I couldn't avoid the unspeakable truth: I was alone again. And worst of all, I had to make up my tangled mind and make a choice.

A couple of weeks have passed since Chris told me about his feelings. I couldn't even look at Ben in the eyes for a couple of days, I felt so guilty after what happened. Suitable time for Katie, Ben's ex girlfriend, to appear on set just to make everything more difficult. I was having the time of my fucking life, seeing Ben tormented by the love he still feels for Katie and his doubtful heart deciding whether he will forgive her or not for what had happened between them.

Thing is, seven months ago they had a fight over some other guy that Katie was hanging out with. Apparently Katie and this other guy have been together a couple of times, and Ben was shattered when he found out about the betrayal. Fortunately for him, we started recording Freak Show, and we were in the middle of a media storm, having shows and interviews almost every day. His mind had stayed busy and it helped mending his heart, in some sort of way.

Now, in the light of this recent event, I had to step aside and make a choice I was definitely not ready to make. I can't pretend I no longer have feelings for Ben, I can't ignore Chris, who was expecting me to behave differently with him after what happened between us, I can't give the cold shoulder on how I felt when I was with Chris, I can't overlook that Ben has been distant since Katie returned. I thought I had enough shit with the stress I've been feeling since the release of the new album, but now I'm fucking sure I'm about to explode.

Yesterday I had a panic attack. I was in my room alone, tormented by everything that was going on. In the middle of the pandemonium intoxicating my whole body, somehow I managed to call my sis Chelsea. Despite she's my younger sis, she always understood somehow my twisted mind and my anxieties. She's very empathetic and supporting about mental disorders, and she has been my light in the dark several times before. After fifteen minutes of talking me down, I started spitting out everything I felt towards Ben. I even told her about what happened with Chris the other day. Needless to say, she was stunned about Chris, but not about Ben. She admitted percieving my feelings after seeing me interacting with him several times. After telling her about the return of Katie, Chelsea advised me to put my shit together, to arm myself of value and speak to Ben.

So there I was, trying to fix things up with my feelings and trying to be a man about it. I couldn't let things go to shit. I have to look after the band, our music career and most important, the bond between us three. I felt my legs limp as meringue and my heart pumping loudly in my chest when I knocked on Ben's door. I didn't even know if I was ready for a talk, my body felt really tired after the attack last night. With a rush of air, Ben opened and stared at me with his deep brown eyes.

"Hey mate, what's up? Look what I've got" he said, showing me the new Castlevania for PlayStation.

"Wow, that's cool, mate. I'm still rockin' Tomb Raider. You lucky bastard. Where did you get it?"

"Um...Katie send it to me last night..." Ben was getting nervous taking about her with me. Maybe that's why he told us, Chris and me together, about her the other day. "She said she's coming to spend a couple of days with me, maybe in a week or so". Ben's cheeks turned red, and he shoved his hands on his pockets looking very nervous.

"Um...well, that's cool. I mean, hoping you two are getting along well again" I said, sitting on his bed. He looked at me in silence, there was a hint of guilt and maybe sadness in his eyes. "Look Benny, I want to talk with you about that. I don't want everything to be thin between us. I don't like inconclusive things, ya know" I felt my heart racing as a couple of hummingbird's wings.

There was a painful dichotomy taking place in my fucked up mind. I felt like I was doing the right thing, telling Benny everything was fine by me if he decides to get back with Katie. But my heart was broken to let him go. I knew I couldn't be with him anymore. I wouldn't be able to kiss him, to hold hands, to caress his hair. As much as it hurted me, I knew I had to do the right thing.

"I was up all night, thinking about how to say this. I want you to know I put your happiness first when it comes to our relationship. I know you love Katie, and I also know our relationship wouldn't be able to flourish as I would have like it to" I sighed and tried to continue without showing him how much it hurted me to say it, although my heart twisted and contorted painfully. "You don't have to worry about me mate, I'm right there with ya".

Ben looked at me the whole time, frowning. He also looked like he was in a middle of an internal fight.

"I'm sorry Dan, I don't want to put you aside. I will always be your best mate, you know that" he said with a sad smile. He knew what I was feeling.

"Yeah, best mates forever" I said, a smile crossing my face. Inside I was crumbling, but I had to be strong. Ben stepped forward to hug me. When out chests coalesced, I was sure he could feel the deep, angry beatings from my tangled heart.

"Let's get Chris, we could go to get some cheeseburgers together" he said to me, smiling. After all, his smile made a little ray of light brighten my thick darkness.

"I could totally choke on one of those right now" I said while I put my arm around Ben's shoulders and we walked towards Chris' room.

I knew from now on that I was going to sleep till late to waste half the day.