k a r r i s

✖

My heart was fractured beyond immeasurable pain. I didn't know it was possible to be so immersed in such desolation, that breathing itself was an agonizing torment. My body didn't feel like my body anymore. It was just a mere catacomb of emptiness, and with every moment my eyes were closed shut, I swam in the hollows of deep sorrow. I was reliving Gabe's death over and over again, but this time, the ache was an unwavering, formidable rain cloud that ceased to dissipate.

Twelve days.

Normal functionality of my life halted with no mercy. All I knew, touched, and saw for the last several days, were the four walls of my bedroom. Blinds drawn, lights off, and a heavy comforter were part of a new kind of routine. For fear of my life, my dad unhinged the bedroom door, keeping the entrance unobstructed. So when my mom quietly walked into my personal space without the need to knock on the wooden barricade, I could not lock myself in despite the tenacious urge.

"Karris? Anak ko, are you ready? We have to leave soon," mom informed. The words that fell from her mouth were interweaved with caution and softness.

(translation: my child, my dear)

I simply nodded my head, never turning over my shoulder to catch glimpse of my loving mother. I kept an eternal gaze out the window, where the somber world beyond the glass barrier matched the gloom clinging onto me like viscous tar. From across the road, my eyes watched Sophie exit her home and saunter straight for ours.

"I'm going to open the door for Sophie," mom told me, and a moment later, the warmth evaporated. Her light, floral perfume lingered in the air however, keeping me comfort.

The hushed voices of my parents and Sophie filled my ears and I knew it was time to leave. A heavy exhale tumbled from my lungs, and I spun on my heel. My purse was sprawled across the bed, and I grabbed the simple bag and hung it on my right shoulder. I made my way down the stair steps, finding my family placing shoes on their feet while still engaging in conversation with my neighbor. The black garb they wore that matched the dark dress on my own body, made this entire day surreal.

"My love," Sophie's eyes caught mine, opening her arms out for me to fall into. I stepped off the last few steps and hugged my dear friend.

"Thank you, Ate," I breathed, resting my chin against her shoulder. The warm maple lotion lathered on her skin gave me a sense of comfort, reminding me of the happiness that once filled my days.

(translation: older sister)

The four of us filtered into my dad's SUV, Sophie and I in the backseat. She held onto my hand the entire car ride, squeezing it every few moments to remind me that she would always be there. I rested my head against the cool glass window, watching the blurred images of Arden Heights swiftly pass by. My parents were sharing an innocent conversation, while the soft hum of the radio kept the vehicle from being too silent. The fifteen minute drive to St. Agnes Church didn't faze me at all. It wasn't until we neared the parking lot, when a familiar song began to seep through the speakers, and I felt my chest cinch with ache. The upbeat With Confidence tune was latched to a perfect day at the pier, and only made me think of one person.

Ashton.

I refused to be reminded of him; refused to drown my thoughts with memories that involved the hockey captain, because every time I did, only pain lacerated my entire being, and my tears would never subside. So instead of letting my mind take a dip in the endless ocean of Ashton, I forced myself to burn the excruciating moments.

St. Agnes was the central hub of black cloaks and continuous tears that Saturday morning. Family and close friends alike surrounded the elegant church with the modern day architecture and stunning stained glass windows. The chilly November air prickled the bare skin of my legs as I walked towards the church, but it wasn't the cold weather that caused me to hug myself— it was the pang in my heart when my eyes landed on the group of boys huddled together near the grand entrance.

"Karris," Michael breathed, looking at me with bloodshot eyes.

"Hi," I drawled, approaching the hockey team who all wore their varsity jackets. It was the only bright piece of clothing amongst the everlasting miles of black.

I love you," Michael declared, pulling me into a tight hug. I buried my face into his warm chest, feeling the rest of the team join the embrace.

"Baby girl, we love you more than you will ever know," Luke's voice cracked with pain, his lovely testament finding its way into my muffled ears. His words dripped like honey and hugged my heart. "We love you, we love you, we love you."

I tried, really, to not break down, but I couldn't hold it in anymore. Before I could run away; before I could break into a sprint towards the bathroom, I found myself bawling into Michael's chest. As my shoulders heaved up and down, I held onto the boy with great strength. I held onto him like he were the last fragment of hope in this world, and it was my sole duty to keep it safe.

"I got you," Michael whispered, his arms grasping onto my shaking body with a tighter grip. "We all got you."

I don't know how long we, as a team, stood together, but when the frigid winter air caressed my tear-streaked face, did I realize the embrace had ended. The hockey boys surrounded me, encircling me like a protective rampart. Their eyes, normally brimming with determination and joy, were instead replaced with sadness. Glossy and eyes full of tears, the team and I shared the same unbearable pain.

Michael was the first to grab my hand to hold. I adoringly gazed at the gesture before lifting my chin to force a small smile. Then, it was my left hand that felt a warm tug. When I switched my attention, I saw Mollie hold me with care. Through her tears she smiled, giving me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. She needed my support as much as I needed hers.

"Calum will be okay," I spoke into her ear. I was confident when I spoke those words because I believed my dark-haired friend would recover from the demons who haunted him.

"At least he can have visitors," Mollie nodded, trying to stay positive despite the fact that her boyfriend was currently under house arrest until the trial in a few weeks.

"We should go inside," Sophie stepped in, shooting us all a warm smile and gesturing for the entrance.

Nodding our heads, we all followed her through the doors and into the magnificent church. High, arched ceilings and intricately designed patterns embellishing the pure, cream colored walls was an opposite feeling to the despair that coated the atmosphere. It was the same church where my twin's funeral was, and everything about the ambience gave me an unsettling feeling at the pit of my stomach.

As we walked further into the church, my hands still clutching onto Michael and Mollie, my eyes fell upon the casket that lay closed at the altar. Despite what it meant, the coffin was beautiful. Rose gold with angelic golden stationary handles, the casket gleamed beneath the warm spotlights. I noticed Coach Benson sitting at the front pew with Harry and Lauren next to him. My breathing hitched when I saw their tiny shoulders rattling from heavy crying. Many of our classmates were in attendance too, showing support for the dimpled Willowridge Thunderbird. However, the one person who should be here wasn't, and it broke my heart even further.

"After the funeral, let's visit him," Luke hugged me from behind, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and neck. "You can tell Ash about the ceremony."

"Even though he's comatose, he can still hear you," Michael chimed in assuringly. "I think he'd appreciate if you told him that his mother's funeral was a lovely event."

My entire inside dropped a thousand feet just as more tears trickled from my eyes, the beads dribbling down my cheeks at rapid pace. And as much as I tried to refrain my brain from replaying that dreaded day, I couldn't stop the rush of fear and painful memories from bombarding my mind.

He flatlined.

Ashton died— his heart stopped, his lungs ceased to operate, and for several chaotic minutes the boy I loved so dearly was dead. Paramedics hadn't even reached the hospital when the team worked into overdrive, performing with great superlativeness to revive Ashton. Then, something wonderful happened— a pulse came back. Though it was faint, his heart began to beat again. Even though he lost so much blood, and his body physically gave up, something pushed him back down to Earth. Something beyond etherial and so magical that Ashton found life again.

"It's crazy isn't it," I heard Sophie engage in conversation with Luke behind me.

"What is?" He responded, finding an empty pew on the right side of the church near several Willowridge students.

"That Ashton's mother passed on the same day Ashton left and then came back," Sophie stated breathlessly.

"A mother's love is powerful," Luke reasoned solemnly as we all sidled into the pew together. "She gave hers for his."

"Do you think they, as in their souls, like ran into each other?" Sophie softly chuckled, shaking her head. Though her words sounded far-fetched, it was definitely something sublime to ponder. "I know it sounds silly but..."

"I can believe that," I claimed, leaning forward to address Sophie who, in our row, sat in between Mollie and Luke. Sophie smiled, reaching her arm across a few bodies to take my hand. Her thumb tenderly grazed my skin and with an exhale admitted,

"I believe it too."

The funeral of Ashton's mother, though heartbreaking, was a heavenly commemoration. The service celebrated her wonderful life— her once great marriage before its untimely demise, her new found love with Coach Benson, her passion for teaching, and most importantly her children. The three impeccable kids that owned her heart was the reason why she woke up everyday, why she fought her sickness for so long.

Harry and Lauren were still so very young, so innocent, and frail. But I knew they'd grow up just fine. In spite of his terrible mistakes, Mr. Irwin was still part of their lives in some way. The two kids had Coach Benson who was the most kind hearted and generous man in their lives. But above all, they still had Ashton. I still held onto the hope that he would wake up; that he would survive because he got another chance at life. But if he wanted to let go, I wouldn't be angry— I just hoped for the sake of his siblings, he'd give life one more try.

When the service ended, family and close friends were escorted to the cemetery where the final resting place of Ashton's mother would be. The rest of us on the other hand, were sent to the reception hall at a banquet venue half a mile away from St. Agnes. Mr. Irwin paid for all expenses, and apparently, he and my own father were good friends-- he donated a large sum of money to help with the funeral costs.

"Hey Coach," I rested a hand on the arm of the tall, burly man as I filed out the church doors.

"Karris," he looked down at me with teary eyes and pulled me into a hug. He rubbed my back, letting out a soft whimper.

"I'm sorry," I blubbered. "I'm sorry about everything— I wish I could go back in time and fix my mistakes. I'm sorry that Ashton's stuck to a hospital bed because of me. I'm just... I'm sorry."

"Hey, don't you dare apologize for any of that," Coach Benson stepped back, holding my shoulders at arms length to gaze at me with concern. "None of that is any of your fault, alright? Ashton's a hero. He saved your life, because you saved his."

Coach Benson gave me one last hug before pulling out a travel package of Kleenex from the inside pocket of his blazer. He handed me a fresh tissue and smiled lovingly at me.

"Be strong Coach Karris, be strong," his advice struck me, and I did my best to follow through.

Luke, Michael, and I headed to the hospital after saying our goodbyes and explaining why we would be absent from the reception. I still couldn't hold down food, despite how hungry I was— I kept throwing it up. My face looked gaunt these days, and I was limited to drinking Ensure, Pedialyte, and cold-pressed juices for every meal till my body realized that my sad, toxic mind was killing it.

The Arden Heights Community Hospital was quiet that morning. When Luke parked his car in an empty stall near the pristine, white building, I noticed how serene the semblance was. It was both eerie and comforting at the same time. The glass doors slid open and a slight breeze from the air conditioning blew our hairs back as we strolled inside. If it weren't for the large sign outside, or the nurses who walked around, one would mistake the hospital lobby for a luxury hotel. The warm honey and burnt orange of the color palette kept the space welcoming, while the floor to ceiling windows allowed natural lighting to counter the bright florescent bulbs above.

The wide, open floor plan of the main lobby gave us easy access to the receptionist who signed us in after examining our ID cards. We pinned the laminated visitor's pass to our chests before heading to the corridor of elevators. The ICU was on the third floor of the hospital, and when the elevator doors glided open, an intricate waterfall made of glass stones embellished the opposite wall. Steel letters decorated the waterfall, strung together to create the words, William Topher Ward, signifying to visitors which floor they currently were on.

"We'll give you some time alone with Ash," Luke offered as we approached his room at the end of the hall.

"You don't have to do that. We can all go in together, " I insisted, though appreciating the kind gesture.

"No, please," Michael's lips lifted into a smile, pushing me towards the open door. "We'll hang in the waiting room around the corner. Just text us when we can come in."

"I love you both," I gushed.

"Yea, yea," Luke dismissed with a grin. "Get in there and talk to your man."

With that, I took it as my cue to enter Ashton's hospital room. A light blue curtain was drawn, blockading his bed from the agape doorway. I held in my breath unknowingly and rounded the drape to find Ashton lying on the bed with his eyes screwed shut. I let out a heavy exhale, closing my eyes in attempt to keep myself together.

Wires and an IV-drip were hooked onto Ashton's skin, a perpetual and rhythmic beeping filtering out of a nearby machine. His messy hair was tied up into a bun at the top of his head with a bright pink elastic, and I assumed it was the handy work of his little sister.

I took a look around the decent sized room, observing its details. The current lighting was dim, though the window gave ample illumination. I smiled to myself, noticing the several gifts that decorated the window sill. Stuffed animals, flowers, cards, and hockey figurines brightened up the area with a home-like atmosphere. The empty chair next to Ashton's bed called out to me, and after a few strides, I was sitting in the comfortable seat. After slight hesitation, I reached my hand out to hold his. It was warm to the touch, a contrast to my cold ones.

"Hey Ash," I swallowed. "I was just at your mom's service. It was lovely. Even though it was a funeral, everything about it was perfect. The entire hockey team came and so did a lot of our classmates. You're so loved, baby."

Ashton looked so peaceful. It was as if he were taking a nap, like the bullet hole in his chest didn't exist. I tremendously missed everything about him. I missed his snarky tone, his witty comments, and his disgusted scowl that would paint his face in irritation. I missed all the ways in which he showed he cared— the way he'd rub circles in my hand, kiss my forehead, and hold me with a tight clutch.

"I'm sorry for putting you in this position. I really am Ashton, I'm so sorry," I sniffled, feeling the hot tears tingle my waterline. "I know you said that I wouldn't do this alone, but I wished you never meant it. You should've let me take the bullet."

I remembered my trip to San Diego with Calum. I remembered running into Ashton and his siblings at the ice cream parlor. He was so sweet to them, that the love he had ran so deep, anyone within a mile radius could feel it too.

"You gotta wake up, my love. Harry and Lauren are waiting for you— they need you more than ever right now," I cried, squeezing his hand as if he could feel it and squeeze it back. "I can't stand to see you like this... Ash, you're hurt because of me. If this is all too much for you, I won't be angry if you choose to let go."

By this point, I was sobbing. My entire body filled up with intolerable heart-cinching pain. The thought of living a life without Ashton mangled my very being with a searing twinge, and it hurt incredibly to imagine.

"Ashton, you make me feel how music sounds— an endless range of emotion and escape routes. You are the map to a new world; an escape from my messed up issues. When I'm with you, I want to get up in the morning," I cried, using my free hand to wipe the tears that stained my cheeks. "In this messed up world, you make it beautiful, and I don't want to be in it without you next to me. So please, wake up and see the world you made so divine. Wake up and I promise I'll protect you. I will love you without fear, love you from a distance, and make sure you live a life unhindered. My heart is yours, Ash... Mahal na mahal na mahal kita."

And I did— I loved him so, so, so much.

✖

*tears*

I listened to a ton of sad songs while writing this chapter to get into the mood & mind of Karris. Like the last chapter, this one was sad to write also. I love Ash so much & to imagine him confined to a hospital bed makes me sad.

I really hope you guys are all enjoying the last few miles of SLAPSHOT. Your continuous support is motivating & greatly appreciated :)