Warning: This one-shot contains mild coarse language. For once.

The SP fandom on Tumblr is full of nonsense and honestly? I'm here for it. I've transcribed some shitposts for you all as my own handy dandy crackfics. I'm so sorry. The idea belongs to the fandom, not me. 

The dancing autumn-coloured flames reassuringly crackled, its warmth casting the shadows of the snuggling Dead Men against Ghastly's shop wall. Vaguely porcelain clinks came from the kitchen, accompanied by the occasional cuss.

Saracen was missing Dexter's body heat. He snuggled further into the blanket, feeling the fuzz envelop him like a parent's hug or the warm sun caressing your back. He hoped Dexter would be back soon. He rotated his head toward the kitchen, feeling the blanket ride up against his neck, and felt the familiar vibrating in his skull as he switched on his magic. A grin tugged at the corners of his mouth, seeing Dexter painstakingly making sure the drinks were perfect. He turned back around. He felt confusion prickle at the warm fuzz surrounding his brain.

"Skulduggery," Saracen begins warily. The skeleton tilted his head signalling he was listening. "What's that in your rib-cage?"

It was in that exact moment that Dexter walked out to Valkyrie losing it on the floor. He shuffled over to Saracen, slightly concerned, handing him his hot chocolate. Saracen glanced at the sugary treat and grinned at the little marshmallows bobbing in the rich brown waves.

"Thanks," Saracen warmly whispered into Dexter's ear. The man wormed his way back into the blanket, pressing his body against Saracen's, shivering. Saracen could feel him seeping out his heat. "You're freezing!" He hissed.

Dexter closed his eyes snuggling further against Saracen, mumbling into his shoulder while simultaneously clutching his cocoa to his chest. "And you're warm..." He sighed affectionately. That man was like a kitten. An insufferable kitten. He slurped some the drink Dexter game him, feeling the heat spread from the liquid. Dexter was still shivering against him. Saracen tapped his head.

"Dexter?" He delicately stated.

"Mm?" He sounded so sleepy.

"Drink your chocolate. You'll warm up faster." Dexter shuffled off Saracen a bit, sipping his drink before seeming to remember Valkyrie rolling on the floor with tears of laughter. He jabbed a thumb in her direction.

"What's up with her?"

Saracen shrugged. "She went off like that when I asked what was in Skulduggery's rib-cage." Dexter smirked, suddenly looking way to alert for Saracen's liking.

"You really don't know what's in Skulduggery's ribs?" He asked mischievously.

Saracen shook his head, trying to erase the memory of seeing an inflatable boat in there. Dexter set down his chocolate and rubbed his hands together in a mixture of trying to warm up and anticipation.

"Oh, have we got a treat for you." He faced the other Dead Men, who were all snuggled in some corner of the room or in a chair. "Men! It's story time for Saracen!"

Ghastly, who was discussing something with Tanith, gave Dexter a vaguely amused look. "What's it this time Vex?"

Dexter face split impishly. "The contents of Skulduggery's ribs."

"Oh yes, just speak of me as if I weren't here."

"This tale begins many meetings ago..." Valkyrie began ominously after having ceased her hysterical wheezing.

---This flashback is brought to you by Sexter---

Valkyrie had zoned out from the meeting some time ago; Ravel's monologue on interior decoration having long turned into meaningless droning. She pretended to inspect her nails, finding the pointless acting barely more exciting than whatever the Grand Mage was blathering on about. Something rustled next to her ear, warranting her to glance sideways, choking on shock at what she saw.

Skulduggery was unbuttoning his shirt in the middle of the meeting. Valkyrie leaned over.

"What do you think you're doing?" She hissed. He held up one gloved hand as if to tell her to wait while plunging the other deep into his ribcage. A hush descended upon the meeting as the people around them seemed to notice what Skulduggery was doing.

"Skulduggery, do you have anything to add?" Ravel asked, half afraid of the response he would receive, half teasing. Skulduggery stood up, shirt still partially unbuttoned, and peered around the bland conference room, the only contents uncomfortable chairs, a tiny mirror, and a frog-shaped table.

"Well, it's not exactly Buckingham Palace," he stated seriously, the posh accent making his deep velvet voice almost comical. He ran his glove along the tabletop before inspecting it. "Still, it's clean. Yes, I think it will be quite suitable."

Tanith leaned over whispering into her ear incredulously, "Did that bastard just quote Mary Poppins?"

"Yes," she deadpanned.

Skulduggery elegantly removed his fedora and placed it on the table, earning a few surprised looks across the room. "Just needs a touch here and there."

"Oh god," someone in the room muttered.

"Well, first things first," Skulduggery announced and stuck both his hands back into his ribcage, rummaging around. "I always say the place to hang a hat," he paused, the tip of a metal pole appearing threaded out of his chest. He fished the whole gold pole out, holding it proudly. "Is on a hatstand." And indeed, it was a hatstand that Skulduggery proceeded to place in the corner of the room, navy fedora hung on top. Awestruck yet curious gazes followed him across the room, trying to get a glimpse inside his ribs. He floated over to the insufficiently sized mirror on the wall, attempting to touch up his appearance, before leaning in close to it with frustration.

He made a loud and sudden sound of annoyance, a mix between a scoff and a yell, while taking down the offending mirror. "This will never do!" The crowd leaned forward in anticipation as Skulduggery once more reached into his ribs and pulled out a large, ornately decorated mirror and nodding at it in approval. "I much prefer seeing all of my face at the same time," he stated in that plainly self-satisfied way of his.

Tanith's brow knotted as she shot Valkyrie the most confused look. "But there was nothing in it?" Valkyrie was more focussed on the fact that Skulduggery did not, in fact, have a face, but that was concerning as well. She glanced back over at Skulduggery, who was now focussing on improving his appearance in the mirror he had newly hung on the wall.

"Never judge things by their appearance," he stated, turning away from his reflection to look at Tanith. "Even carpet bags. I'm sure I never do." The bastard was quoting Mary Poppins!

Valkyrie chuckled at Tanith's expense and the look of exasperation that had become one with Ravel's countenance. Skulduggery seemed to ready himself slightly as his supposed gaze flicked across the room. The spectators leaned forwards like excited school children, glimpsing the emerald foliage that was begin to poke through the skeletons chest, eventually extending into a potted tree, which Skulduggery exulted in the air, held above his head.

"A thing of beauty is a joy forever." Valkyrie gaped at him, Tanith patting the floor under where he stood, trying to figure out what was going on. The leather-clad lady looked like she was about to cry when she realised there was nothing under him. The near shirtless magician paced to behind Erskine, still captivated by the plant he had produced, and placed it behind him. He covered his mouth with a glove, contemplating something.

"Hmm... A little more light perhaps?" He reached back into his chest, the viewers now watching on in fear, unable to look away, producing a lampstand which he then placed behind Madame Mist with a genial yet slightly over-the-top flourish.

"Better keep an eye on this one," Tanith warned Valkyrie, a stubborn and suspicious look on her face. "He's tricky."

"He's wonderful," Valkyrie countered, not sure why she was defending him at this point. Skulduggery dusted his hands together.

"Much better." He then crossed the room in his clipped stride and sat back down, buttoning his shirt back up much to Tanith's disappointment.

The room was a mix of terror and confusion. "Well, what do you have to say for yourself?" Ravel demanded.

Skulduggery folded his gloved hands neatly, tilting his head at Ravel's tone. "Why should I have to say something for myself? I'm practically perfect in every way."

---

Saracen was in hysterics while simultaneously awestruck by the end. Tanith was shooting Skulduggery a dirty and shady look.

"To this day, I haven't a clue how he fit those things in himself."

"I am mildly horrified at the size of some of the items he pulls out," Valkyrie conceded, nodding in agreement with a very fishy looking Tanith. She then stated with melancholy, a notable pain in her voice, "He also does it on stakeouts!" Tanith comfortingly pat her friend on the shoulder.

"There, there. At least he now restricts himself to small objects in the sanctuary meetings. She glared at Skulduggery.

Anton, from the distance, "You should be used to him pulling bullshit from thin air by now, Val."

"How? How do you even-" Saracen tried between fits of giggles. Skulduggery gave the group jazz hands.

"Magic," he said sarcastically.

"It's like watching Mary Poppins pull things from her bag!" Valkyrie wailed. The group waited for her to calm down more so she could tell the next part of the story.

---This time skip is sponsored by Mary Poppins' Carpet bag---

"I've got you now!" Scaramouch Van Dreg cackled madly before deriving into coughs. He straightened himself up, only to be met with the curious sight of the living skeleton unbuttoning his shirt.

"Are you trying to seduce me?" He asked out of worry. He held up one gloved hand as if to tell Scaramouch to wait while plunging the other deep into his ribcage. Van Dreg felt the panic begin to set in. What was we doing!?

Skulduggery pulled his hand back out of his rib-cage holding a gun, which he then passed to his partner in crime.

"Point that his head," he instructed, gesturing towards Scaramouch. "If he tries to move or cry out, shoot him." Valkyrie nodded while Scaramouch looked on in horror as his prisoners formed an escape plan.

"Got it," she said. Skulduggery knelt down next to the lock and pulled some bobby pins out of his chest.

"Who- Who are you!?" Scaramouch shrieked.

"Mary Poppins." Skulduggery continued to pick the lock, a metallic clink soon pierced the emotional silence as the lock fell off the cell. Skulduggery opened the door with a creak, Valkyrie handing him back his gun which he tucked away in his suit. Skulduggery patted him on the head as he and his sidekick ascended the cracked stone staircase.

"Good Scaramouch."

Van Dreg spluttered. "But- but you need to stay here!"

"When you need me but do not want me, then I must stay. When you want me but no longer need me, then I must go." He then promptly left the villain of the day to stew in his thoughts.

Scaramouch Van Dreg felt fury lurch up from his stomach like some eldritch horror. He was irate. His prisoners just escaped while pretending to be a magical nanny. Who would even think to check in those places for hidden weapons?

"What the fuck Skulduggery, can't you be a good normal prisoner who doesn't hide things INSIDE his freakin' body?!" Only the opened cage was there to hear his woes.

---

"One time he pulled out a skull and recited Hamlet-" Dexter piped up enthusiastically. Skulduggery covered the man's mouth with a glove.

"I'm going to stop you right there," he stated. Dexter pushed his hand away.

"Make me." Skulduggery sighed and unbuttoned his shirt, pulling out bag of sugar and a teaspoon. The Dead Men gave him strange looks. Skulduggery scooped some of the sugar out and held it in from of Dexter.

"What are you-?" Skulduggery shoved the spoon into Dexter's mouth, effectively silencing him.

"A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down," he sung half-heartedly and monotone.

Saracen still wanted to know what happened with the Hamlet scenario. He sipped on his hot chocolate, resolving to find out sooner or later.