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SKIN & BONES
i. WELCOME HOME

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IN THE HUMAN PSYCHOLOGY OF LIFE, it's common that we use games as a way to waste time.

It's whipping out the raggedy piece of cardboard with the faded letters of Monopoly printed on it. It's rolling the dice and shouting, "Yahtzee!". It's putting your left hand on the green dot and your right foot on the red dot, hoping to whatever God in the sky that was listening that you wouldn't fall onto your friends in a twisted mess. It's bonding with those around you throughout your third round of Mario Party that makes the time fly with the blink of an eye.

Just like the games, winning and losing hold a special place in the matter of it all, in the matter of life. It's going bankrupt in Monopoly; It's getting the worst cards in an intense game of Uno; It's your ship sinking in Battleship that defines the position of winner and loser.

Sometimes games become just a little too real.

"You lost again."

When playing a game, it's important to accept that losing isn't the desired outcome; however, for Lorelai Swan, hearing those words made her feel more alive than any breath of air could provide.

With her head hanging low, she swung her legs beneath her, making idle note of how her hospital gown seemed baggier than usual. The only sound that came in that cold, quiet room was the click! of the man's pen in front of her. He scribbled across his clipboard, his face always set with something Lorelai was used to, yet couldn't quite place. It wasn't quite indifference, not disdain either. She could never tell what it was, only that she felt safe when he was there.

Still, Lorelai didn't like silence. Not always.

Picking at her gown, she softly asked, "How much?"

"I don't know if telling you is such a good idea."

Lorelai looked up at the pale man that was Dr. Carlisle Cullen. There was a sullen expression stamped across his admittedly handsome features, just as it always was. The familiarity in his face always made Lorelai feel the need to hug up, but she never did. Instead, she repeated, "How much?"

The silence between them was still. Even the simple drop of a pin could create a ripple of echoes in the room. "You're 83 pounds, Lorelai," finally revealed Carlisle, hesitance bleeding through his practically nonexistent pores.

Lorelai pressed her lips together, unsure of what to say. A rush surged through her—the same one she always felt when she arrived at Forks Hospital for her usual appointments. The best way to describe it was bittersweet. She was happy with herself, pathetically prideful that she was finally reaching her goal: to be skinny. However, there was that twang of tart that would always steal the spotlight. It was wanting to lose more weight, it was the feeling of Carlisle's and her father's disappointed gazes, it was the regret. It was anything her tainted mind could muster up with that brought upon Lorelai sorrow.

"Oh."

This was always the confusing part. She got what she wanted, but she didn't feel any different. The weight in her chest was the same. No matter how much of her thawed and chipped away, this... this dreadful, numbing void refused to be starved away. 

"I'm sorry, Doc," she finally said. That was something she said a lot. She was always apologizing for something she did to herself. It was twisted, wasn't it?

Carlisle didn't smile, even as Lorelai was forcing one for him. "Don't apologize to me. Apologize to your body," insisted the doctor. He stared at her sternly, yet worriedly and compassionately. It reminded her of her father. "This is serious, Lorelai."

Lorelai found herself snorting, amused. "Yeah, yeah," she dismissed with a wave. Her voice was low and a little bit raspy. "I know. Believe it or not, you aren't the first person to tell me that. But if you posted that kind of... award-winning advice on Facebook, you'd win over all the moms."

When Carlisle cracked an almost impossibly small smile, as if he was trying to fight it back, Lorelai smiled back at him. He was always so professional, suave. Everyone in town was pretty convinced he could walk on water. Carlisle knew as much as she did that it was her personal mission to make him break every time she saw him. Finally, a sign that this ethereal porcelain statue in front of her was actually a little human, not some deity plucked from a fairytale book.

Carefully, Carlisle warned her, "You know I have to update your father."

Her chapped lips were pulled into a frown. "I suppose five bucks and a Lifesaver won't change your mind?" Lorelai wondered despite knowing how pointless it was to try to bargain with him. After all, Carlisle had been her doctor for years. Even their friendly relationship wouldn't change the fact that Carlisle was required by law to tell her father any and all updates regarding her eating disorder.

She'd had her eating disorder since she was the ripening age of 12-years-old. At the time, she'd been living in Phoenix, Arizona with her mother and younger sister. When Lorelai's mother, Renée, couldn't... handle her eldest daughter's... condition anymore, she sent Lorelai away to live with her father. She was only 14 by then.

It'd been years, but Lorelai still resented Renée for it. Could anyone expect Lorelai to forgive her? How could she move on from something like that, from her own mother forcing her out of her oh-so-perfect, sunny life? The hands that made Lorelai couldn't stand their creation. They shoved her into the dark closet with the cobwebs and the ghost that took the form of her father, Charlie.

But who cared what Renée thought of Lorelai anyway? Lorelai liked haunting her childhood home in Forks with Charlie. He was her favorite person. He loved her for everything she was, and he loved her even more for everything she wasn't. He worried, he lectured, but above that, he was patient with her. He loved Lorelai, and that was more than what anyone could say about her impatient, restless mother.

Once Dr. Cullen exited the quaint hospital room, Lorelai stripped her hospital gown and tugged on her clothes. She didn't leave before looking over her body one last time, feeling that same bittersweet rush as she stared at her reflection of skin and bones.

Stepping into the waiting room, her eyes immediately found Charlie as Dr. Cullen quietly spoke with him in the hallway. His face sunk, the same way it always did at these appointments. Once again, she'd selfishly refused to fuel her body. Again, she'd selfishly lied to her father, manipulating him into having a little bit of hope for her. She was a failure to Charlie, and she wished it would kill her faster than starving would.

Once Dr. Cullen was gone, Lorelai shuffled toward her father. Charlie didn't look at her, not at first. She opened her mouth, but the words wouldn't take form. What could she say that he hadn't heard before? I'm sorry? I'll do better? I'll try again? It's not your fault?

Honestly, she was just waiting for Charlie to throw her to the wolves, just like Renée did.

"It's okay, Pumpkin," quietly said the father. "Let's go pick up your sister."

But Charlie wasn't Renée. After Lorelai's parents separated, Charlie understood what it meant to lose, and he wasn't planning on losing Lorelai so easily.

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The car ride that came with picking up Bella Swan from the airport was, needless to say, awkward. Similar to how Renée kicked Lorelai to the curb, Bella was being sent to live in Forks, too. This time, Renée's excuse was that she wanted to travel the world with her "delicious, baseball-playing husband." The thought of her step-father made Lorelai want to vomit. Sure, he was a nice guy, but he hardly had any impact on her life.

He didn't care about Lorelai back then, and it surprised her even less that he didn't care much for Bella either.

After all, Bella was a timid kid who spent more time taking care of Renée than herself. To the outside world, Renée was a spontaneous, free spirit. She valued spontaneity because it was fun, because "That's the point of living", but to Lorelai, Renée was more of a tornado than a ball of sunshine. Renée was childish and selfish, which was why her marriage with Charlie was bound to fail.

Bella always refused to see Lorelai's perspective, even though Bella was the one who did the cooking and the cleaning. Even though Bella was the one picking up her mother after nights out and bad dates and even worse breakups. Even though Bella was the one reminding Renée about the taxes and the laundry and everything else a mother should've been responsible for.

Lorelai knew this because that used to be her job.

Though now that Bella was moving home to Forks, Lorelai wondered what she really thought of it. She could ask, but that wasn't really their thing. Talking. Lorelai couldn't even remember the last time they saw each other. Bella preferred sending emails because she was so unbearably, painfully, dreadfully socially awkward, it made Lorelai's anorexia look like it wasn't that big of a deal. Lorelai was too depressed half of the time to pick up a phone anyway.

All that to say, Lorelai knew this wouldn't be a smooth reunion, but she didn't think it'd be this awkward either.

Bella didn't utter a word to her sister at first. For a second, Lorelai thought that maybe Renée had finally gotten to Bella and brainwashed her into thinking her big sister was a pathetic waste of life. It was easy for Lorelai to jump to these conclusions when she thought about them so much. And yet, it wasn't true. It wasn't long before Bella threw herself at her big sister—no words spoken, just a tight hug that felt like it was more for Bella than it was for Lorelai.

"You're gonna break my back, B," Lorelai had joked.

Burying her face into her sister's neck, Bella muttered, "Shut up."

That was when Lorelai realized she'd missed her sister more than she thought.

That didn't mean the awkwardness would go away so easily though. Lorelai nearly plugged her ears just to tune out the long pauses between Charlie and Bella's bumbling conversations on the drive home.

"Your hair's longer."

"I cut it since last time I saw you."

"Oh. Guess it grew out again."

As much as Lorelai refused to admit it aloud, she was more like her Renée while Bella was more like their father. Contrary to popular belief, Lorelai was the more outgoing and social one of the Swan sisters.

"How's your mom?"

Bella, who had been sitting with a small Cactus in her lap, glanced back at her father. He was adorned in his Police uniform. "Good," she said. Then, she looked back at Lorelai, who had been quietly staring out the window. "She wanted me to tell you she misses you, Lor."

Misses having someone else to blame for her problems, maybe, Lorelai thought.

"Yeah, well, if she did, she'd just tell me herself," dryly responded Lorelai.

That was the last word the Swan trio spoke for the rest of the drive. As soon as they pulled into the driveway, Bella was escorted to the house by Charlie while Lorelai pulled out a cigarette.

"No smoking in the house, Lor!" called Charlie as he carried Bella's bags inside.

"The only thing that's smoking in that house is your breakfast from this morning," she mumbled to herself whilst flickering her lighter on. She cringed at the memory of her poor father's attempt at cooking. Smoke soon filled her lungs like a balloon.

She leaned against her father's Squadron, an arm wrapped over her torso with her other sitting straight. The stick of death rested between her fingers as a faded red truck pulled into the driveway. Lorelai narrowed her dark brown eyes, recognizing it to belong to Billy Black. The damn thing was always parked in the Swan's driveway. Lorelai always swore that the truck basically belonged to the Swans now. She didn't know she was predicting the future until Charlie bought it off the Blacks as a special "welcome home" gift to Bella Swan.

And to think all Lorelai got was the first of many therapists to welcome her home. Lorelai scoffed in amusement at the thought.

Jacob Black approached the older girl. His long, black hair fell down his back as his youthful face was stretched with a smile. "Hi, Lor," greeted the 15-year-old.

"Hi, Jacob," unenthusiastically greeted Lorelai. She had always liked Jacob, despite the fact that he was extremely optimistic for a horny teenaged boy and smelt like a dog most of the time.

"Lorelai!" called Billy Black. His son, Jacob assisted him into his wheelchair as he spoke. "It's great to see you're still alive!"

Releasing another puff of smoke into the atmosphere, Lorelai narrowed her eyes at the paralyzed man and his insensitive comment. "Billy," mocked Lorelai, "it's great to see that you're still kicking." She paused, glancing at his legs. "Or, well, you know."

Billy's eyes widened. Bella started to gasp, only to start choking on the smoke between them. Charlie, however, heard none of this and was happy to greet his old friend. "Bella, you remember Billy Black," Charlie said.

"Glad you're finally here," Billy greeted. "Charlie hasn't shut up about it since you told him you were coming."

"Keep exaggerating," taunted Charlie. "I'll wheel you down the hill."

"Right after I ram you in the ankles!" exclaimed Billy, proceeding to take several rolls at the Chief of Police. The two horse-played with one another just a few feet away from the teenagers, causing Lorelai to shake her head at their childish actions. Still, she couldn't help but stifle a laugh.

Jacob turned to Bella, suddenly rather timid. It was easy to see, at least in Lorelai's eyes, why. Bella had matured over the years. She did nothing but bat her dainty doe eyes, and Jacob was already nervous. It took Jacob a second, but he gathered his courage and said, "I'm Jacob."

There came a pause. Lorelai nearly dug her teeth into her cig from the secondhand embarrassment. "We used to make mudpies together, the three of us," Lorelai offered. "Remember?"

Bella blinked. "Yeah... I think I remember..." She smiled as she watched Charlie and Billy charge at each other. "Are they always like this?"

"It's getting worse with old age," Jacob confirmed.

"They're practically lovers," Lorelai added. "You ready to have another new step-dad?"

Bella's head snapped toward her, face flushing. But then her shoulders dropped with realization, and she actually managed a smile. "I forgot what your sense of humor's like," Bella said. "That was cruel."

"Well, at least he can't ditch us to play baseball," Lorelai muttered, to which Bella swatted her arm and nodded toward Jacob as if to scold her.

But Jacob wasn't paying attention. Not really. He was just sort of... staring at Bella, really. And so Bella stared at him, then the ground, then her shoes, then up at the sky. Complete, mindless silence. If it wasn't so painful to watch up close, Lorelai would've sang puppy love in his face right then and there.

"Well—" Lorelai cleared her throat. She squished her cigarette into the ground. "As much as I love reunions, I'm gonna head in. You two, uh, have fun staring at each other." As she glided past Bella, Lorelai ruffled her hair and added, "By the way, the homecoming gift was my idea. I'll see you inside, B."

Before Bella could question whatever the homecoming gift was, Lorelai was already inside.

Games are addictive. They're the reason for the loss of friendships and even families. They're thrilling and cause more pain than they should. But, boy, are they addictive.

It starts with skipping a meal, then two, then six, and then before you know it, you haven't eaten in three days. It's going from checking your weight once a week to four times a day; It's not being able to fit into your clothes anymore because of how small you've become and feeling ecstatic about it that turns the game into something horrible.

It's the thrill of it all. It's how far you can go before picking up the knife and fork, how long it'll take before you're sent to get diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa and intense Depression, how many suicidal comments you can make, how many pills you can take, how many tears you can shed that makes the game so exhilarating.

But in time, you soon must realize that the game is playing you, and now, Lorelai Swan's just wondering when it's her turn to win again.

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AUTHOR'S NOTE:

hi - welcome to my first twilight ff! if you've noticed i've basically split up the 4 books/5 movies into "acts". act one = twilight, and so on! in this section, i'll be focusing more on lorelai's eating disorder, as well as her relationship with her family, the people around her, and the cullens.

i really hope you guys enjoy this story! i promise this story has plenty of light-hearted and a little inappropriate humor scattered throughout, as well as darker aspects.

don't forget to leave a vote and comment(s)! they're all appreciated very much.

all my love,
liza<3

Revised: October 29th, 2019
Revised: May 23rd, 2024