Sunlight peeps through my curtains. Ebony lays beside me, hands in her mouth. I haven't the emotional energy to leave the safety of my bed sheets. Last night's argument with Dan replays in my mind, his cruel tone and harsh words carving into my brain like teenagers carve their initials in the bark of a tree.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel other than hurt and angry. I tried ringing back, tried to follow the advice my mum always whispered whenever I was sad as a child. Never go to bed angry. After reaching voicemail five times, I gave up and settled for an unrestful nights sleep.

Tap. Tap. Tap. The pattern repeats on my window. Blinking, I sit bolt upright. For the slimmest of moments my heart soars. I know that sound as though it were family. It's the sound Dan used to make when throwing stones up to my bedroom window as a teenager. Propping pillows either side of Ebony, I throw my legs out of bed and race to the window.

My heart drops. The person stood waving below isn't the person I want more than anything. Kerry smiles and gestures for me to join her in the garden. I smile sadly in return, nod and turn, closing the curtains again. There goes my plans of curling up in bed feeling sorry for myself.

--------

I know I shouldn't discuss my marriage with other people, much less neighbours I don't know overly well, but the words spill out like vomit. Kerry nods, listens but says nothing as I recount last night's disastrous phone call.

My leg bounces, Ebony balanced on my knee cooing away to herself. Pete steps onto the lawn, hideous pink shorts and bare chest, balancing a tray with iced water and biscuits.

"Thank you. Kate, can I be honest with you?" Kerry takes a sip of her drink, swirls the cup before leaning towards me. "I'm not one to air my dirty laundry, but when Pete and I were much younger things weren't always so smooth for us. We'd fight, hell things turned physical once or twice. It was brutal.

But we loved each other too much to walk away. And we didn't have a pandemic to contend with. Neither of you have it easy right now, you're both hurting and just taking it out on each other. Give him time, let him cool off. You'll work things out."

Pete nods beside her. I let her words sink in for a moment. She's right after all. Things haven't been easy. I'm alone and miserable. Dan is up to his eyeballs in Covid cases. But still, what he said, I can't just ignore that. Can't ignore the hurt.

"What if we can't sort things out though?" My lower lip waivers, tears brim.

"Oh, I wish I could give you a hug darling. If it's meant to be, it'll be. If it's not it won't. The only thing you can do is give it time, wait until you're both calmer and talk things through." A half smile greets me as Kerry speaks.

Shifting in my seat, I stare ate the daisies beneath my feet. Kerry and Pete talk amongst themselves, inviting me to the conversation every now and again. I take part half heartedly, thoughts drifting away. Trying to comprehend a life without Dan. It's miserable and bare, not a life I want.

I make an excuse to head back inside. I need to hear his voice. I can't take this anymore.

Welcome to Giff Gaff's voicemail. The person you're calling can't take your call at the minute. Please leave a message after the tone.

Holding my mouth, I muffle the screams and sobs. He's ignoring me. He hates me. What am I going to? Fuck him! Fuck this! Busying myself making bottles, I list all the things about Dan I don't like. The hairs in the sink when he shaves, the toilet seat forever left up. Minor things that I've always overlooked because so much good outweighs them. Right now though, I can't afford to think of those beautiful moments we share.

‐---------

Nine pm and I'm curled in bed, my position unmoved for the past three hours, except to sort Ebony. Bottles litter my bedside table, dirty nappies scattered on my bedroom floor. Breathing is difficult, my nose stuffed, eyes sore.

Ive given up trying to contact Dan, each attempt earning no more than an automated male voice. The photo of Dan and Ebony now faces the wall where it can no longer taunt me. His gym bag sits, stuffed to the brim, on the ottoman at the foot of our bed. Just in case. I pray it stays there.

The circles on my ceiling become faces; happy ones merged with sad and angry ones. Closing my eyes doesn't help, they imprint behind my eyes. I'm half tempted to ring the hotel, anything to hear his voice. To try and sort things out. I can't bring myself to though. Better to not wave a red flag to a bull.

Stepping out of bed, I tiptoe to Ebony's moses basket and watch her chest rise and fall, thumb in her mouth. I'm grateful for the past few nights that she's slept until eight. Almost twelve hours. It's been blissful and something I've needed more than i had realised.

I take the stillness of the house and the peace it brings to run myself a steaming bath. To pour more bubbles than a single person could possibly need. A sigh escapes as the hot water bites my flesh. Leaning further into the water, I let it cascade over my face until I'm fully submerged. Bubbles rise, my ears fill until the sound of water splashing the sides becomes distorted.

Memories of Dan and I dancing in front of our friends and family, happy faces everywhere, wave in and out of blackness. The first time we saw Ebony bouncing on a screen. The day he proposed. All the happy times fading into one another.

The memories melt into black nothingness. Water burns my lungs. My chest hurts. Tears struggle to escape. Still I stay submerged, hands weighing me down, refusing to let me break for air. I don't fight. I have nothing left.

I have nothing.