Nagsimula akong malito dahil sa nararamdaman ko. How can I love someone I haven't seen for a long time? How can I fall for a distant memory of someone who might never return to me? When did she have this power over me?

It's as if it turned out to be my loss when I let her go. Pakiramdam ko, sya lang ang makakaintindi sa akin dahil napagdaanan nya na ang napagdadaanan ko. On the other hand, mahal ko pa rin ang girlfriend ko. She's still a breath of fresh air for me but I was suddenly looking for something familiar, something nostalgic. The fire reignited. The feelings returned.

Hindi pa rin ako makasigurado. A part of me was thinking that I was just feeling this way because I was finally able to see love from her perception. That we now have the understanding that was lacking in our relationship. That I was only missing being the one in control.

My current girlfriend made me feel weak and needy. She made me desperate and clingy. She brought out the worst in me.

I started looking for what I've lost. I tried to get it back. I realized that what I had was worth keeping already. Pero dahil nasa huli ang pagsisisi, huli na nang marealize ko iyon. Kung kailan wala na, saka ko naman hinahanap. Isa na yata iyan sa mga inevitable faults ng mga tao. We let go of the best because we want to look for something better, for something more than what we have. And then kapag pinakawalan natin yung best na 'yun, we would just go around in circles. In the end, doon din tayo babalik. Ang masaklap, kadalasang lahat ng bagay na binibitawan mo ay nakukuha ng iba.

Siguro kapag nakuntento ka na, tumigil ka na dapat sa paghahanap. Some things might be greater than what you have but that doesn't mean that they were meant for you. My current girlfriend's better in a lot of ways but maybe she's not really meant for me.

I started having these doubts. I was not only doubting my love for my current, I was also doubting if I ever did fall out of love for my past. Maybe I was just overwhelmed by her love that I wanted out... I wanted to breathe freely again without her chains on my neck. And maybe I was just afraid that I will never be able to reciprocate her love, with all its intensity and greatness.

Siguro nga duwag ako.

I began picturing my ex in my current. I began comparing them, tallying their perks and flaws, their strengths and weaknesses, their bests and worsts. And the latter will always fall short. Naging mas matimbang ang past. I didn't know I'd have another change of heart and instead of moving forward, I took a step back. I had a fit with myself. It's happening all over again. I'm being a jerk.

Wala na ba talaga sa puso ko ang kapasidad na magmahal ng matagal? I thought I just need time to set things straight. I thought it would work out differently. Akala ko ibang babae lang ang kailangan para matutunan ng puso kong makuntento.

I could not believe that I was so messed up.

It got to a point where I retraced my steps back to her. Sinubukan ko syang kilalaning muli through her friends and family.  They all told me the same thing: leave her alone.

They said she's already happy and mending. That she has found a new love and living a new life. I didn't think it would hurt so much but it did. It's like the aftermath of our breakup was so delayed, I only felt it many months after.

Wala na akong nagawa kundi tumigil. There's a reason why some people from our past stays in our past. Hindi na sila kasali sa kasalukuyan o sa hinaharap. They had made their stay in our lives and that's it. I had my chance with her. I could have made her happy. I could have taken good care of her heart but I didn't. And now, I can't just walk back into her life and beg for her to have me back.

Natatakot akong magsawang muli at saktan sya ng paulit-ulit. The only decent thing left for me to do was to live her alone and move on.