|IV|Episode●026● Acceptance
Everything happened in a rush. If asked, Sera wouldn't know how or what she did, she wouldn't have an answer. Everything happened before she could even register, she wasn't in the mind to register anything in the first place. As if her body automatically worked, she had pulled Seokjin inside, ignoring the fear and dubiety Jimin radiated on seeing the dead man. She had summoned the portal and given instructions to Jimin. She had told him to wish to get back just as she did, together. And of course, she didn't forget to do it for Seokjin. She did it all, but everything went so robotic for her after witnessing Seokjin's state that it didn't feel like the task was accomplished.
It was when she opened her eyes that she had become even more bewildered and unaccepting. It was so bright she had to close her eyes again. A second later when she reopened them, she saw Namjoon flashing from her side. "YOU..!" he growled in wrath as he was pulled along his track in flashing speed. His condition resembled a piece of iron in a magnetic field. His massless body passed through the fencing wall, and that was the last of his sight and sound Sera witnessed. It could mean only one thing: Namjoon was gone for good, driven out of Jimin's body as the latter's soul claimed for what rightfully was his.
But who was Sera to have recovered from her trance so fast. Just a meagre human! Her skepticism wasn't fulfilled. She had to look around multiple times to confirm. She stared at her hands and the clouds above in the bright sky and the dusking sun. So much emotions leaked out on her face, the trigger of them just those simple actions; she looked mental. She was resting against the fencing wall in the graveyard, Seokjin lying unalerted and unlively against it as well, a portable table between them. The settings and the surroundings proved enough for her to confirm: they were back. At least she was.
Sera tried to get up from her spot with much difficulty. Her legs were cramped. Struggling, she reached the other side of the table and sat by Seokjin's side. She pulled his heavy body onto hers and hugged it tight, making the unsteady head to rest on her shoulder. Unlike the vision from the dark earth, Sera couldn't find one scratch on his body, there were no outside injuries, just the characteristic pale skin of the dead. She squeezed his lifeless body with her might, her face expressionless and teeth gritting, putting uncontrollable pressure on her jaws: Her coping mechanism.
Unexpectedly, Sera could see a body appearing in front of her sight, squatting on the ground at her height. Seeming holographic as it started appearing, the body gradually set itself to the right tone and looked massful and humanly to sight. The person smiled at Sera and her eyes widened. Kim Seokjin! Her pupils ran to and fro, mind registering the sight and brain controlling an unwanted emotion leak.
"You knew!" she accused in her faint tired voice.
He nodded.
"I hate you," she said. He pressed his lips together and nodded again.
She extended her finger all up to his face and tried to poke his cheek. Her fingers swished through this form, feeling nothing but air. She retraced her hand back.
"Now touch!" he said. She tried again and she could touch him. She let go of her grip from his lifeless body in her arms and rested it on the ground. She stood up from her spot and so did Seokjin's spirit. She ran into the spirits arm without a hesitation and the other welcomed her with a hug. They were lucky there were no humans around to witness the scene.
"I don't see you as a stranger anymore....Yoongi's cousin and my friend!" she said.
"Glad to hear."
"Why did you do it when you knew?"
"Fate, it was bound to happen. Thanks for rescuing me out of the place."
"It was all my fault," she said. Sera blinked her eyes multiple times, preventing any tears to leak.
"It was not. Don't think of it that way, please."
"I'm sorry, Seokjin." Sera pulled back from the hug.
"Drop it, okay. It was my decision. And you better ensure my body gets a proper farewell," Seokjin smiled. "Also, patch up with Yoongi. Stay happy and healthy always, you should never go back to feeling negative. No more negative energy. Do as I say, it's important, unless you want Namjoon back."
Sera nodded.
"My reaper's here, I've to go have a chat with him," he said and Sera looked around only to see no one.
"So are you leaving?" Sera asked.
Seokjin shook his head. "But my wish would take only a few days to fulfil, so it's alright."
"Hope you get heaven," Sera said as she stepped away from Seokjin. "Bye, Seokjin!" The spirit waved his hands at her one last time and made himself disappear from her sight. Sera ran outside to the road to find someone for help. She did not have her phone.
"Excuse me, ahjussi!" she ran to a random delivery man. "My friend's become unconscious, he's not even breathing, I've to call an ambulance, I'm not carrying my phone," she frantically said.
"Oh my God, where is your friend?" the man exclaimed and traced out his handphone.
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It was the worst day of Sera's life. Past few weeks, when it all started depreciating for her, she had still held herself back from falling, she was trained against difficulties and errors in both physical and emotional well-being. What she thought would pass didn't, things only went more and rapidly downhill from there. All the pent up frustration from those days only sloped to the peak, and apparently burst out of its shell. When she reached her home a few minutes ago, she had to go through Rowoon's questionnaire. Sera had only ignored her fuming queries and locked herself in her room, Rowoon unhesitantly banging at her door the first 3 minutes repeatedly. Sera didn't know if her housemate and friend was angry or worried for her. It was the latter, but Sera was too into the trance of her gloom to have noticed. The knocks gradually quietened down after those 3 minutes.
/It was a hectic remainder of the day after Sera's arrival from the dark earth. When the ambulance had come, Seokjin's body and Sera was taken to the nearest hospital. He was declared dead, and after much discussion and mental fatiguing over the case, the doctors concluded the cause was a unique case of Brugada syndrome. Family members had been told to inform, which in the case was only Min Yoongi.
Yoongi had been a mess when he arrived, sobbing and weak unlike the emotionless facade Sera wore. The body of the dead was then transferred to his residence. Sera had stayed at his house for quite a while, but when more friends and colleagues joined the mourning, she thought it was better to leave. It was the first time she had felt so vulnerable in a crowd. When everyone was letting their tears out, Sera had been the one to impose the emotions of a robotic system. She wondered how those people would feel about her when they'd know she was the one responsible for his death; Being judged burned her, being the cause of someone's misery brought guilt to her. All for the first time. Despite her fear, when she had been leaving his house, she felt terrible. What would Seokjin think? The thought roamed around. She was sure the man was in the house watching everyone with his posse of spirit friends, first time feeling the true sense of belonging with them after becoming a spirit himself.
Sera had to walk to her house. She carried no money or her phone. She was dressed in the same pair of tracksuit from the previous day; only difference: it was adhered to dust, extremely dirty. Anyone could have mistaken her for a homeless woman. She had ignored the weight of hunger and fatigue and aching that had been constantly tugging her down. The determination to find out about Jimin had kept her going. When she had reached, she ran into her room to find her phone. One phone-call was all it had taken her to run out of her house again. She hadn't forgotten to carry the phone and wallet though. But she ignored her body's desperate need to feel some water down her throat.
Sera had flung open the door of the hospital's private room, startling the police officer who was nearby. He hadn't been expecting that the homeless-looking woman, who he observed sprinting his way down the hallway, wanted to barge into the room he was guarding. Jimin was inside the room. Sera had learned from her lawyer about the news.
Surprisingly, the newly-appointed officer had been lenient when he learned Sera had taken permission from the nurse. Jimin had been sleeping on his hospital bed. She unclasped the neckpiece she had acquired from Seokjin and fastened it around the sleeping man's neck. She left and a peck on his forehead and chapped lips, and a detailed stick-on note with her signature on the table beside before she had left./
Back to the moment, Sera was lying lifeless on her bed, her hands tightly grabbing the bedspread. Fatigue, hunger and thirst was still hanging on her, after all she had barged into the room as soon as she returned from the hospital. Rowoon's knocks on her door had quietened down, but she figured what the reason was. Hongnan had come back home. Sera could hear her voice from the kitchen area.
But what hanged on her more than the physical discomfort was her guilt. Guilt and regret had by now, completely stained her soul. Not just only because of Seokjin's death, if mainly, but the death had also unlocked the chambers of her stained acts and doings she had ignored. She was bad, she concluded; Evil, despicable, cruel, oppressing, selfish, ignorant and many more adjectives. The worst of it all was that her inability to shed a tear. How much did she hate just that!
The virus of her misery was spreading deep into her brain, reaching the core of her reasoning part of the organ, hoping to meddle with and impair it. Sera bit on her lip tight, her grab on her bedspread being more tight. The desire to enact the solution for her misery in her was hard to control, however foolish and temporary it felt. She felt as if she would collapse any minute, that did not falter her determination to get rid of her misery. She sat up and dragged herself to the side to reach her bedside table's drawer. With her tired hand she was able to pull out her favourite Glock. She has always kept it loaded.
Taking a deep breath, she enacted her deed. The piercing sound of the bullet reverberated through the house. Rowoon and Hongnan found themselves running upstairs to Sera's room shrieking. Sera managed to reach her bedroom door with much pain and difficulty, as she heard her housemates' shriek from downstairs. She unfastened the door and fell to the floor with a thud. Sera was about to faint any minute, the pain of the bullet adding to her discomfort. Tears finally rolled down her cheeks.
The door burst open. "Unnie!!" Hongnan cried. She and Rowoon looked at blood running down Sera's thigh, a bullet embedded in.
"Take me to the hospital," Sera faintly said and collapsed.
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It was a fine Sunday morning. Rowoon was preparing brunch in the kitchen while the other two were simply sat in the kitchen admiring her cooking skills. It was nearing the third month since that wretched day Sera shot herself in the thigh. The wound was almost recovered, Sera couldn't feel any pain walking, or doing physical activities, but when she pressed too hard on the spot, she could feel some pain. Nothing Sera couldn't find bearable, though.
/Sera had been considerably better and calm -mentally- the past two weeks. Rowoon and Hongnan made sure Sera's mood was lifted whenever they could. She had confessed the whole deal to them, and that also included opening up about her past and her whole life. Her friends were glad she did, even though they found the ordeal about spirits and all a bit dubious. It was contentful for them to see Sera returning back to her colour, and they felt very accomplished knowing that a part of the reasons were their tactics.
But the beginning weeks had been not at all alike for her. It was hard to cope up. She couldn't attend Seokjin's funeral, she had been hospitalized at that time because of the gunshot. The guilt brought about by that had affected her so much. She had decided that the least she could do was express her condolence through a phonecall. The hope went down the drain when Yoongi refused to answer any calls from her.
Jimin's trial was the next thing she had to tackle. She had made sure to always keeping in contact with her lawyer, hadn't once failed to present the woman with her nerdy insight as a help. With Hongnan's help, Sera made it to the court on the day of the trial. It had been heartbreaking to see Jimin inside the chamber all clueless and scared. His innocent tears had not failed to move even one person present in that hearing. It had virtually helped the defense just a bit. On that day, the court decided that Jimin be sent to a compulsory rehabilitation centre for his correction on account of him being a person of unsound mind. It was better than being imprisoned, Sera thanked. But Jimin's reaction hadn't been the same.
Sera would visit Jimin everyday at the rehab after that. That was until they had to restrict her from attending not more than once a week. She had been the one responsible for it, she would just invite herself in and not leave past the allotted time. For Jimin's fast recovery's sake, the rehab had to request her to completely avoid coming. She had complied when Jimin ensured he was fine with the arrangements. And that was how the last time Sera heard from Jimin had been 9 weeks ago./
Anyway, Sera was presently relaxed. The smell of Rowoon's comfort foods sizzling on the stove and hotpot soothed her olfactory senses.
"Smells delicious already," Hongnan commented and Sera nodded.
"But why are you making so much?" Sera asked Rowoon.
"For my friends," the oldest answered.
"Us?"
"No, dummy."
"The boys next door?"
"Duh! Bitch, you're still not considering them as friends? Talk about rude!"
"I have just talked to them like five times," Sera reasoned.
"Hoseok oppa literally visits you every weekend," Hongnan commented.
"Who even wants to consider him a friend? I was talking about the kids."
The calling bell ringed. Hongnan volunteered to answer. She came back to the kitchen with a mail in her hand.
"Seems like a personal letter for you, Sera unnie," the girl said.
"Personal letter? Are you sure it's not from the bank or something?" Rowoon asked.
"Does the packaging look like one," Hongnan sassed. "Here," she passed it to Sera.
Sera examined the envelope. On the back of it, in a cute pencil-written calligraphy was mentioned the words 'To Sera'.
"Ooh, you have a secret admirer or something?" Hongnan said.
"Shut up, it's Jimin's handwriting," Sera replied.
She tore open the envelope, and fairly enough, there was a letter inside. Handwritten and old-fashioned. When Hongnan thought it was her cue to give the older privacy, Sera began reading the letter.
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Dear Sera noona,
I know, it has been so long I addressed you like that. I usually call you like that when I'm sad. But don't worry, I'm perfectly fine. I just thought it would suit better today, or whenever you receive this letter.
I should've always addressed you like that. Maybe then, this wouldn't have happen, you wouldn't have fallen for me, maybe. We would have had our boundaries. I'm not blaming you for how you feel, noona. But I've wondered and have been wondering what you saw in a fool like me. You deserve someone more mature and intelligent. And I'm not that. I treated you like I blamed you for liking me, but I was stupid. Deep down, even I knew that it can't be helped how you feel. I was not qualified to treat you like that when I was so hung up on Jandi myself. Even after she cheated and left me. At least you were better. You weren't pathetic like me.
I have always loved you, Sera noona. But, platonically(I'm sorry). And I've felt like that even when I blamed you, I fought with you, distanced myself from you. It's just that I'm realizing all that now. I've been so clouded these past years. And stupid. Now, I wish to live life with sanity and meaning. I wish to start fresh.
And that is why the first thing I'll start is by apologizing. I'm so so sorry for what I've caused. You were my no.1 supporter since I came to Seoul. But I failed to notice. Yet you didn't stop being nice and kind and selfless towards me. And I am extremely thankful for that. I hope you can both forgive me and accept my gratitude.
And because I love as my friend, I don't want to see you suffer anymore as well. Your romantic feelings for me didn't wither away in these years, and I'm not sure if it will if things keep going the way it is. You need to move on, noona. This might be sounding harsh but it's for your own benefit. I hope you can move on and find yourself a good partner and live happy forever. So me being around you will only disrupt that. I have to start my life fresh again and so do you. If I can progressively move on then so can you.
The last time I eloped wasn't very charming, I left behind my parents, the biggest chunk of my life. I had to carry the weight of their sadness and tears. But this time I'll elope to ensure the good that will come to us both. This time it's for a good purpose. This time it's a mature decision of a fully recovered narcotic-abuser who has decided to seek the meaning of life.
Don't try to track me. You wouldn't find me, my address or phone number or anything. And don't be mad at the rehab centre, I had requested them, it's not their fault. By the time you read this, I would've have left Seoul. I hope one day, after becoming content with my life, when I give you a random visit, I find you with a good partner and a family.
Please understand why I'm doing this. This would all be a waste if you don't move on. Please don't be sad because of me anymore. Please don't become sad because I left. Please don't be like myself two years ago.
Your dearest friend and well-wisher,
Chim.
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Sera folded the letter, her heart feeling heavy from the overwhelming emotional ride she was about to crash. Hongnan noticed the change in her demeanour.
"What was in it?" Hongnan rushed to snatch the letter. Sera ran up the stairs towards her room.
"Sera, what happened?" Rowoon panicked and Hongnan began reading the letter.
"I'm fine, don't worry," Sera lied. She locked her bedroom door and hurried to the bathroom. She let the faucet fill her bathtub. When it was brimmed with water, she released herself into the tub without bothering to strip. She sank her face into the water and let her tears flow as much as it wanted. It was decided. All the tears she would want to shed for Jimin, all of it must be released now. It should be the first and last time she would cry for him. If the man decided it was time to stop it all, then she trusted him. She loved him enough to listen to him and stop doing so. She would move on. Jimin had decided to start afresh. It was high time that Sera did too.
It was time for Sera to atone for her sins, it was time to leave behind her sinful way of life. It was time finally for a fresh Sera to birth. Finally, she'd be liberated. Finally!
The tears that carried the salts of her sinful past blended with the fresh water surrounding her impure body. It stained the fresh ripples of water that came its way. The stained ripples then contacted the fresh molecules surrounding it. And the process kept going and going.
Sera finally could forget about her past and move on. And the universe should consider and let her too, right? But what should be relevant was not that; the question imposed should be the following way:
Would it?
Well...
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The sins of a being are never forgotten.
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