Dec 30, 2021
Amanda's POV

"Yeah, baby. I'm okay... you've called like nineteen times already." I chuckled and rolled my eyes as I lay on the bed, holding onto the pregnancy test strip.

"How can I not worry about you, ramen? Listen... I'll be done with the rounds in another thirty minutes, and I'll push everything else to tomorrow and come home right away. Jimin said he'll drop me home," Taehyung spoke worriedly.

"Dr. Kim, you don't have to... I just wanted a day off from work. That's it, honey," I confirmed once again, and he whined.

"Oh, and is Jimin coming along? Do we get a threesome finally?" I giggled excitedly, awaiting his reaction.

"Mhm.. yeah," he growled, and I almost choked on my own saliva, my smile faltering in an instant.

"What the-? Are you serious?" I panicked all of a sudden, my eyes widened.

Taehyung chuckled deeply.
"Yeah, baby.. You've always fantasized that, haven't you?" He quizzed me, and I found my tongue tied in embarrassment.

"No, no... I was just joking," I smiled nervously.

"You were? Good! Because I was joking too. Sharing is not caring in Dr. Kim's vocabulary. I just wanted to hear it from you, ramen," he laughed victoriously.

I let out a breath of relief and chuckled.
"You got me there... naughty bear"

Taehyung laughed again.
"Alright, gorgeous. I'll see you at 1:30 sharp, and I'll buy lunch on the way. Don't bother cooking something. You rest well, okay?" He was worried once again.

"I will not move an inch out of bed, okay?" I confirmed with a chuckle and passed on a few kisses to my husband.

We ended the call, and I held up the third pregnancy test strip that I had used up today — all three showing the same positive pregnancy. I smiled big to myself.

Taehyung, of course, knew that I had missed my period, but he had no idea that I got tested today although we discussed it a few times and hoped for it to be a positive pregnancy. I was hyper excited to reveal it to him when he returned from work, and what better way to reveal it to him than with a blast in bed on his birthday? I replaced the sheets on the bed with the black satin sheets that he bought years ago and picked out a sexy, fancy lace set to wear after a shower.

Just the thought of hearing the sweet sounds of our baby's laughter and cry within our home made my heart race with excitement. Though too early, I was already daydreaming about how the baby would look. I desperately wanted all our kids to look like Taehyung, whereas he always kept telling me that he wants a mini clone of me. With these thoughts occupying my mind, I kept smiling to myself.

As I was clearing up the ripped packaging, the doorbell rang, and with a slightly excited bounce in my stride, I rushed to the front door, threw it open and received the delivery. I carefully unboxed the parcel and took out the packet, smiling broadly once my eyes fell on the tiny new goldfish who was here to join Mac and Cheese in their little round fish bowl.

Taking the packet with me to the bedroom, I arranged the test strips and the water-filled packet with the little goldfish inside a decoupaged shoe box, and proceeded to write a small love letter to my husband.

The moment I sat down with a pen and a sheet of paper, the doorbell rang again and at the same time my phone screeched loudly.

Picking up my phone, I smiled to myself seeing the incoming call from Officer Jin and proceeded to answer the call as I walked to the front door.

"Hello, Officer Jin, how have you been?" I asked him in a cheerful tone.

"Dr. Amanda, I've been good.. how are you? How's Dr. Kim?" He asked calmly.

"We're doing well, thank you," I replied with a smile.

Officer Jin let out a heavy breath.
"I have news for you," he spoke solemnly.

I opened the door and received the mail from the mailman and thanked him before closing the door.

"News? What's it, Officer?" I asked while I walked in to our bedroom, holding the envelope in my hand as I sat down on the bed.

He let out another long breath.
"Jungkook slit Namjoon's throat with a fishing line in the prison ground last night," Officer Jin informed me in a remorseful manner.

There was a moment of complete silence.

My eyes widened, and my whole body froze on the spot.
"WHAT?" I swallowed thickly. "What do you mean? Is Namjoon dead?" My hand with the envelope fell loose on the bed.

"Yes. And something else as well..." his voice trailed off.

"What's it? Is it bad news?" I asked him, clueless and confused about what news he could possibly deliver to me.

He sucked in a sharp breath, and my heart suddenly began thumping wildly.
"Jungkook killed himself." Officer Jin stated softly, and then the entire world around me seemed to have fallen into deafening silence.

My eyes clouded with tears, and my hands trembled. I didn't know what to say or do. I felt nauseous and my head reeled, the bile rising at the back of my throat threatening to burst out any minute.

"I'll talk later," I ended his call abruptly and ran into the bathroom, collapsing on the floor near the toilet bowl.

With powerful surges of nausea attacking my stomach, I violently threw up the contents of my gut into the toilet bowl, coughing and spluttering, my eyes teary, my whole body developing a layer of sweat all over and shivering at the same time.

A few minutes later, when I had nothing left inside to bring out, I got up from the bathroom floor feeling weak and almost dead. Cleaning up the mess and getting rid of my dirty T-shirt, I walked on wobbly legs and reached the bed with my teary eyes fixed on the envelope lying on it.

I picked it up and turned it around.

From
Jeon Jungkook
Inmate number: 26143
Seoul Central Prison

Hands feeling like frozen solids, I fumbled with the envelope and tore it open, pulling out the neatly folded letter from inside it. I opened the letter carefully, running my eyes along the neat handwriting on the letter, already feeling another distant wave of nausea building up inside my stomach, ready to hit my throat.

The letter was dated two days earlier.

Dearest Amanda,

I'm writing this letter to let you know what you have always meant to me.

You are my first friend — you literally, single-handedly flipped my days from dreading going to college to desperately wanting to go there every single day, just so I could see you and be by your side, even if that was for a short while only.

You are my first love — it was almost instant, from the moment you met me and talked to me in the auditorium. I still remember every second of that day, and even what you wore and how you smiled and talked. Everything. It was love at first sight, and each day it only kept silently growing within my heart, without you having the slightest hint about it. Is that where I made a mistake?

I love you not just because you are beautiful on the outside. You are so beautiful from the inside too — the only person who ever made me feel totally comfortable to talk to, to hang out with. You've been so much more in my life that you wouldn't ever know how much you really meant to me.

You are my inspiration — I didn't have anything to aim for in my life before I met you. But after I met you, I wanted to do so much with my life so that I could be worthy of your love. It was because of you that I studied hard, gave a shot at the college basketball team selections and got selected too. It was because you always complimented my voice and singing that I practiced it all day so that I could sing for you. It was because you loved children that I chose to major in pediatric surgery. Thank you so much, Amanda.

I wished to have you by my side and sing to you whenever you felt like listening to it. I wished to sing you to sleep, to hold you in my arms and always keep you safe. But I couldn't do any of it.

I lost what I had, that was your friendship. Amanda, you are truly the best thing that has happened to me. But I failed to treasure it, I failed to treasure you and your friendship while trying to achieve something that I could never reach in this lifetime. I failed to treasure our friends. I failed everyone, everything. My medical license is canceled, and I will never be able to call myself a surgeon ever again.

I don't deserve anything.

Taehyung was always there, and so was I. But I get it now that it is not just about being there. I have always known that he meant the world to you. But I was greedy to see myself there, to put myself in his place, to see me and you together. And now I hate myself for it.

I would have never spoken all this to you, on your face — never. I'm a coward, a socially awkward nerd, an unconfident troubled person.

While I write this, I realize now how I've always put you first and never once paid attention to what I really wanted out of my life. It was always about you, and I guess that is where things went wrong. Maybe I was obsessed? Maybe I was too caught up in winning you over some day that I never truly lived my life as I should have?

The pain and regret that is killing me from the inside is indescribable, especially after you met me at the prison many months ago. I feel so miserable, Amanda. After all the things that I did and spoke to you and Taehyung, how will I ever face you again? Our friends? Everyone hates me now.

I don't want to live regretfully, and by the time you're reading this, I would probably be gone for good, but I would also have done something to keep you safe for the rest of your life. You'll know soon, or you probably even know it by the time you read this.

You fell in love with Taehyung because he saved you a few times from Namjoon, right? He stood up against him and fought with him — for you. Now, I've probably eliminated Namjoon from your life permanently. Do I stand a chance now? Will you love me now? Do I deserve you?

How foolish of me... I know it's not possible. But still, I want you to live peacefully, happily...even though I wouldn't be a part of it anymore, I'd die in peace knowing that I have done something to give you that happiness and peace. You deserve the world and much more.

I want to say sorry for all the trouble I've caused. I'm really sorry, Amanda. Will I be forgiven?

Amanda, I truly loved you with my whole heart, but I didn't know how to express it. My ways were not right. I guess this kind of revelation comes just before the end, making it totally useless.

I wanted to do so much in this not-so-long life of mine, yet I couldn't do much. But, Amanda, know something. I have always loved you, and even when I'm not present around you, I will still love you. I'm satisfied that I did the one thing which I most wanted to do in life which was to love you infinitely.

Are you happy? My wish is for you to always be happy although I was a fool to try and snatch away your happiness from you.

I ask myself the same question : Am I happy? I could have been, but I'm not. I'm just relieved that you won't face any more trouble from anyone again. I really wished I had the courage to have told all this to you in person, way back.

Can I tell you something else? I completely believe in rebirth, and I hope we live better lives in some other birth. I wish I can really stay by your side for a very long time at least in my next birth.

I love you, Amanda... more than you will ever know.

Yours,
Kook.

I could see him and hear him — smiling and crying and sniffing — as I read the letter which was held in his hands a few days ago. My chest vibrated with my whimpering, and my tears flowed non-stop as I clutched tight onto the letter that had a few spots of smudged ink, probably because of Jungkook's tears that fell on the paper while he was writing it and eventually dried away.

He tried to ruin my life and my happiness and take away my husband from me — the one man who always and forever owns my heart. Even if Jungkook had expressed his feelings to me in a genuine way, nothing would have changed between me and Taehyung, and had he been a little more accepting of things, all of us would still have made lots of happy memories together.

I couldn't bring myself to work up a logical explanation for Jungkook's feelings because what he experienced was in fact the most illogical human emotion ever — love — one that blossoms in the heart even without any proper reasons while every other human emotion has valid reasons for its occurrence.

I loved Jungkook immensely too, but the kind of love you feel towards a friend, platonic love, a friendly affection — one that could never translate into romantic love, ever. I wished Jungkook had been more mature and understanding of this one complex human emotion that has so much potential, both creative and destructive, depending on how it manifests.

Years ago, the five of us were so happy, a friendship that seemed so magical and beautiful — no one had ever imagined that it would end this way. We had always envisioned the addition of a sixth member to our gang through Jungkook. No one, not even in our worst nightmare, had imagined things to turn out this way, where we would shrink to four of us than expand to six of us.

My tears were endless as I slightly crumpled the letter in my fist and bawled my lungs out, alone, my cries reverberated in the empty house, my shoulders shook, and I felt nauseous once again — knowing that I would never see that adorable bunny smile ever again, internally struggling to accept that truth that Jungkook had left the world. Although we hadn't fully forgiven him for what he had done, neither Taehyung nor I had ever wanted something so bad to happen to him.

A low rumble of guilt began tugging at the strings of my heart. Should I have been more observant and attentive to Jungkook's presence and behavior around me all these years? Was I too oblivious to his silent emotions? Had I been more observant, we could have talked it out, right? And Jungkook would probably still be with us today.

Is it my fault? Part of it is.

He was too shy to speak, and as his friend, I must have paid more attention to him. I couldn't help but beat myself up over my carelessness. A precious life was lost, and I felt accountable and answerable when I truly had no answers to offer.

I weakly stumbled into the bathroom and kneeled near the toilet bowl, trying to stop my tears and throw up. The nausea didn't subside, nor did my tears. I couldn't throw up, I couldn't stop crying.

Barely managing to make my way to the bed, I curled up to Taehyung's pillow and finally managed to stop crying when I no longer had the energy for it, and eventually I lay in silence for a long while, and after all the internal struggle, self-blaming and lonely mourning, there was one word from his letter that kept resonating within my head — Rebirth.

My eyes fell on the pregnancy test strip and the tiny goldfish swimming inside the small water-filled packet that rested inside the shoebox on top of my nightstand as I stroked my hand over my lower abdomen.

Jungkook will always be with us.

😭😭😭😭😭🤧🤧🤧🤧
I'm crying
How are y'all?

If you have silent friends who are not very expressive, be there for them and hear them out. If you are that silent person, feel free to talk to me. I'm always here. ❤

And, wait. The book is completed, but don't give up yet. I have a few words to say...do read the chapter that would be published tomorrow.

Published on : 10/30/2021