I woke up and the room was eerily quiet. I looked out the window and saw blackness.

The light from above my head came into focus and so did the pain between my legs. I rubbed my eyes as the memories of what happened last night rushed back into my head. My body shot up from the bed. I looked around the room quickly to make sure I was actually alone and Keith wasn't some where lurking about.

I immediately threw on a big shirt and ran out of my room to check on Erin. He was still sleep. I looked through the doorway covering my mouth as tears escaped down my cheeks. I can't believe I brought this man into our lives. How could I be so fucking dumb?

I closed his door and went to my bedroom to take a shower. I took off my shirt off and looked at my body in the mirror. It was horrible. Scratches and marks around my neck. Red and purple bruises on my thigh. I started the water waiting for the shower to warm up.

I felt horrible, disgusting. How could i let this happen? Why didn't I fight harder? I stepped my toe onto the shower floor before pulling back. I couldn't take a shower. I couldn't erase the evidence. I turned off the water and turned back to the mirror.

I had to get smart, i had to fix this. Make it right. Put him away, something I should've done a long time ago. My eyes were red and my hair a mess. I stared and stared until the anger in me pent up and i punched the mirror. It shattered all around me.

"AHHHHHH"

I screamed at the pain i caused on myself. I slumped to the ground and held my hand as it bled out. I cried and cried. What the fuck is wrong with me?

My scream must've awoken Erin because he crept through the door and called me.

"Mommy?" His eyes full of tears. "Are you ok?"
I looked up. Yet again I have let my son see me at my weakest point. His rock, his mother.

" Oh baby. I'm okay. I just hurt my hand. Can you be a big boy and get dressed for mommy please?"

"Ok." He stared at my hand before slowly walking out.

I wiped my tears with my clean hand. I had to go to the hospital. I got up off the floor leaving the glass. I threw on some sweatpants and sneakers.

I brushed my teeth and brushed my hair. I didn't want my incident to be that obvious. I didn't need questions or people parading in my business.

Erin came in my room a few minutes later dressed in a jogging suit, I had bought him for Christmas.

"You ready?"

"Yea. Where are we going?"

"I have to go to the doctor."

"Because of your hand?"

"Yea baby. I hurt my hand"

"How?"

"I hit the mirror"

"Why?"

"Erin just go to the car and buckle up."

"Why did you hit the mirror?"

"ERIN JUST GET IN THE CAR, OK?"

He walked towards the garage as I grabbed my purse that I never had a chance to unpack. I checked my phone but it was dead. I made note to charge up in the car. I figured I would leave Erin but considering how Shawn and I ended and that Kelly is out yet again. I didn't have much of a choice.

"You buckled up?"

"Yes" Erin spoke softy. Just above a whisper.

I turned back to look at him and I could see he was crying. I tried to be sensitive to him but I was just so annoyed. I just needed a minute of peace to think.

"Erin?"

"Yes" He said not looking at me.

"Baby, look at me." He looked up slowly.

"I'm sorry. Mommy didn't mean to yell at you. I was just upset. Something bad happened to me last might and I just needed to think. I'm not mad at you. Ok?"

"Ok"

"I love you Erin"

"I love you too."

I turned back around and started driving. We sat quietly for 30 minutes while I occasionally looked back at him.

We made it to Bronx-Lebanon around 7 a.m. and held hands as we walked through. I went to the nurses station and they saw my hand.

"That's a pretty nasty cut there" The older woman said.

"Yea, i hit a mirror."

"You might need stitches. Fill this out and follow me."

I took the clip board and had Erin walk in front of me. The halls were loud and yet it wasn't chaotic.  We were escorted to a closed off room.

"When you finish you can just leave that on the table?" The nurse said as she was about to walk out.

"Excuse me...I um...I'm not just here for my hand. I uh need a kit."

"What kind of kit?"

I looked over at Erin and he looked between the both of us. She looked at him and spoke.

"Hey pumpkin. You wanna look at this cool microscope?"

"Ok" He got up and looked at microscope  sticking his eye in it.

The nurse turned her attention back to me.
"Is it a rape kit?"

"Yea" i looked down as I began to shake my leg.

"Ok. I'll put that in too." She walked over to a mini closet and grabbed a gown.  "Here...get undressed and put this on."

I grabbed the gown out of her hands as she put her hand on my thigh to stop the shaking. "It is not your fault ok?" She lifted my chin up to look at her as tears came out of my eyes. I couldn't stop myself as I bawled.

She embraced me in a hug. Erin came over and hugged me too. Eventually, I calmed down enough to where she felt comfortable to leave.  I slid off  the bed and got undress changing into my gown. I felt exposed all over again. Every time I  close my eyes I felt him in me and on me. Making me tell him I enjoy it.

I felt alone. All I have is my son. My Erin.

"How you feeling?"

"I feel ok. What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing baby. Everything is going to be fine."

I rubbed his back and we played I-Spy. I filled out my paperwork as we played in just enough time for the doctor to come in.

"Hello Ms. Knowles"

"Hello"

"It says hear we have you for some stitches and a rape kit."

"Yea."

"What's rape mean?" Erin asked the doctor.

The doctor looked at me unsure of what to say. I looked at Erin before telling him the simple version.

"Well umm..you know how when babies are made, two adults have to make love?"

"Yea."

Well rape is when two adults don't have that love and one person forced the other person to have sex with them. If a girl tells you No, you have to respect that and listen. No matter what it is. If it's a hug or a kiss, anything."

"So you didn't want to have sex and a man made you?"

"Yes"

"Is that why you hit the mirror?"

"Yes baby. I'm so sorry Erin."

" It's ok. It's not your fault. The man made you do it." Erin leaned over and hugged me. I kissed the top of his head before letting go.

"I'm sorry you have to go through this Ms. Knowles. I am going to try to make this process as quick as possible. I have called SVU and they are on their way now. I just need to take a few tests for you and some pictures."

"Ok, Erin can you sit on the other side of the curtain. Here take my phone and play some games."

"Ok." He grabbed my phone and walked around the curtain.

"You're a great mother."

"He's my whole world. I love him so much. I just don't want him to be involved. I didn't even want him to know the real reason why I'm here."

"That's sweet. You'd be surprised how many times I see mothers care less about their child."

We talked more as I stood up. She had me stand near a wall as she took pictures of my back, stomach, neck and thighs. Then i laid back on the bed and spread my legs for the exam.

"There's some vaginal tearing, but I can give you something for that and the pain."

She was done quickly.

"You're very brave and smart. It's a good thing you didn't shower afterwards or we wouldn't be able to do too much."

"Yea i watch Law and Order, so i might be picked up on a thing or two." I laughed.

The Doctor walked out leaving me alone. She sent Erin back in to sit with me. We talked a little about LEGO land and how fun it was. The conversation died down as I drew into a daze about the aftermath of the day took over my mind again.

The SVU officers came in shortly.

"Hello, I'm Olivia Benson with SVU. How are you Beyonce?"

"As well as to be expected."

" I understand your going through a lot. I want to help you."

" Thank you."

"Hey, there little guy. Do you mind going with officer Miranda and getting some candy?"

Erin looked at me for approval and I nodded.

"Ok. Thank you" he smiled wide.

We watched them as they walked out. Olivia turned back to me.

"Ok, so do you remember what happened?"

"Yes. Erin and I had just come from LEGO land around nine. We were both exhausted. Erin was a sleep so I carried him up to his room and gave him a quick shower. I put him to bed and then i walked into my bedroom. It was dark and when i turned on the light. Keith was sitting on my bed—"

"So you know him?"

"Yea, he was someone I used to date. He was so abusive and I stayed with him for almost a year before I finally left him."

"Ok, so he was sitting on your bed."

"Yea he was sitting on the bed and umm... he gave me this real creepy smile. I asked him what he was doing here and he just said he was in the neighborhood....I..I..I told him that Erin was sleeping. He shouldn't be here. You know the typical stuff. I was about to make a run for it but he grabbed me and pushed me on the bed...." I tried to hold it together to finish the story but I just broke down some more. Olivia rubbed my back and reassured me.

"Its ok. I am here to help you. We will find him and lock him up."

"Ok...well after he pushed me on the bed. He spread my legs and...and..I'm he pushed himself in...He covered my mouth so I wouldn't scream, but it hurt so bad. I couldn't help it. I just wanted it to be over. I just laid there until he was finished with me. He finished on the floor. I was so out of it by the time he was done, i didn't have enough strength to get up and change. He was gone by the time I woke up."

"Thank you. You did well. What's Keith's last name?"

"Richards."

"And do you remember the last place he lived?"

"Off of Canarsie?"

"Ok, Thank You. We will do a home visit and check to see if you're ok and if there's anything else you remember ok?"

"Yea. Thank you. I'll be in touch."

Olivia walked out and I changed back into my clothes. I couldn't wait to go home and take a shower.

Erin came back into the room and i lifted him up so he could sit on my lap.

"Did you like the officer?"

"Yea she was cool. She bought me M&Ms"

"Can i have some?"

"Mhmm" Erin poured a few M&Ms in my hand.

"Mommy, are they going to find the bad guy who hurt you?"

"Yes and he's going to go away for a long time."

Just then, the nurse came in.

"Hey, Ms.Knowles. All your test have come back negative. You are clear. You didn't have any semen in you so pregnancy isn't on the table but you can take this plan-b to put yourself at ease. You are free to go whenever you are ready"

"Thank you so much. I appreciate it."

I got up off the bed and walked hand in hand with Erin. We went back to the car and made our way home. It was around 9 a.m.

"Mommy. Am i going to school today?"

"Do you want to?"

"Yes, i want to see Tiara."

"Ok baby. I'll drop you off."

We pulled into the parking lot of Erin's school. I put my shades on and my hat and let me hair fall around my neck. Since it was after homeroom, i would have to check Erin into school.

"Hi Pam. I'm checking him in." I said lowly.

"Hey. No problem. I will take care of it."

"Thank you."

I bent down to kiss Erin's cheek.

"Be good ok? I love you"

"Ok. Love you too"

I walked out of the office and got to my car so i could get home. I was just done. I didn't feel like talking to anyone. I just wanted to lay in my bed and go to sleep.

It wasn't long before that was true. I came home and jumped in the shower. I still had to clean up the glass that I left on the ground. I swept it up after my shower and i threw it away along with my sheets, blankets and everything else that was on my bed last night. Hell I could afford another set and another bed.

I put that on my list of things to do. I went into one of my guest room and took a nap. It felt good to feel the bed under me. My eyes were heavy and my heart hurt. I didn't feel as much pain from the bruises but it was pretty evident that they would be there for a while.

I felt a little nervous about sleeping in the house. I don't know how he got in or why he's suddenly back but it scared me much to lock the door to the bedroom. My head rested on the pillow and i drifted off into sleep where I hoped that the feeling of pain would leave me alone....

Four hours passed.......

I woke up in the guest room and stretched. I laid there thinking about everything that had transpired over the past two days. Shawn and I having our little "disagreement" to the "thing" to the hospital. I just couldn't get over it all. I know I am expected to wallow in my sorrows a little but this feels so heavy on my heart and I can't handle it. Before I could stop myself I felt tears running down my face again.

Ring..Ring..Ring...I heard my phone ringing. I reached over to feel it on the bed. It was my sister. I contemplated answering, but she always knew how to make me feel better.

"HEY BEYYYYY!" Her excitement out of this world.

"Hi Solo."

"Damn that was dry as hell."

"Sorry, what's going on?"

"No no no no no, you can't sit there and ask me whats up when you sounding like someone just killed your cat. Whats going on with YOU?"

"Solo...I...I can't talk about it over the phone. Not yet." My voice started to crack and waver as I spoke.

"Bey whats going on? You're scaring me."

"I can't..I can't.. I'm sorry." I hung up before she could hear me bawled my eyes out.  I couldn't deal with the reality of having to tell someone else. Then I thought about Shawn. How am I supposed to even go about facing him tonight. He asked me to this red carpet event yesterday and now I don't know what to do.

I checked my messages for the first time all day. I had two from Shawn telling me what time he was picking me up and an apology for how he acted yesterday. I texted him back and told him I couldn't escort him to the event tonight. I knew he would probably assume I was still upset about yesterday and Id rather take that explanation over the truth. I let out a sigh and read the rest of my messages. A few from Zsa Zsa about her house and another from the decorator who is helping me get pieces for her home. I responded promptly to the text and decided I should get up. I didn't want to eat and I didn't have the energy to speak to anyone, so I went to my basement where my treadmill was. I got on and ran. Ran away from my fears and my pain. I just ran as the tears filled my eyes. I just ran. I refuse to mope around while I deal with this burden.

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Thoughts. Questions. Statements.