The next stop on their re-acclimate-Jimin-to-society trip was, well, the train. He'd never been on one, and Namjoon decided to change that.

Which meant Yoongi was asleep, waking up every few minutes when a bumpy patch on the rails sent his head smacking into the window. He didn't seem to care much for Jimin's little exploratory activities, probably because he'd already been to aquariums and arcades and on dozens of trains, but he still came with. Even if he wasn't conscious.

Jimin was too absorbed in his own world to really mind his hyung's absence. He was sitting in a booth, kicking his legs against the seat and staring out the window as the landscape passed by in a blur before his eyes.

Hobi was unusually quiet, but every now and then, Namjoon would see him turn to the window, his smile reflected in the window. Namjoon wasn't sure what he was so happy about lately, especially after Namjoon had grounded him for giving him a heart attack and Hobi had just smiled back and nodded, saying, "I know."

Kids, he thought, automatically scanning, as he was accustomed to by now, the next head. Taehyung was sitting next to Hobi, bobbing his head back and forth as though he were listening to music (even though he wasn't) and occasionally mouthing some words, accompanied by vague hand gestures. Jungkook was sitting with Jin, who was fawning over the younger as Jungkook giggled and did impressions of kids in his class, mimicking their voices.

The sight softened Namjoon's gaze. He still remembered that one night, not so long ago, a night that his heart broke but was slowly melded back together...

Tae, yelling at Jungkook, ready to draw blood.

"He abandoned you, Jimin! He cares more about himself than he'll ever care about you! The only useful thing he told the cops was just a piece of gossip that he forgot about for 5 years, Jimin! You could have been home within a day, but because of Jungkook, you were stuck there for 5 years! 5 years, Jimin! How many days did you wake up, believing that Jungkook was going to save you, that he knew something that could bring you home? How many days was it until you gave up on him? Then why are you defending him right now?!"

Jimin, sad and hurt and just trying to patch things up the best he could.

"Because nobody else is! Nobody thought to see if Kookie was hurt. Nobody asked Kookie what happened at first. Tae, you tried to hurt him. Everybody else was just worried about me. How is that fair? You all make it worse when you pick sides! Why can't you see that? But I guess I didn't notice it before either. But Kookie is just a kid too! And it hurts him when you all neglect him!"

And Jungkook, feeling guilty and isolated and alone.

"Jungkook, what they were saying...do you really hate Jimin?"

"I did. For a while. I was jealous of him. Everybody was always paying attention to Jimin a d not to me. I know it was wrong. But I couldn't help it. But then...I started yelling at Jimin today...and I hurt him...but he didn't...He didn't hate me back...he said he was sorry...for being the way he is...that he didn't mean to hurt me...I don't hate him anymore, Dad. I swear. And I would take it back if I could."

All of that hurt, that pain, that anger...

And yet now, Jimin was smiling out the window, Taehyung was being a normal dorky kid, and Jungkook was smiling and laughing his his older brother.

Namjoon felt proud. He didn't know if he really deserved to be, since he didn't really believe that it was anything that he'd said that had restored their relationships. He was pretty sure that he'd just been blessed with beautiful, amazing, precious children, and he didn't want to let any of them go, ever.

He saddened a little at the thought. He knew he still wasn't being the proper parent that he should be; he was too worried to let the kids out of his sight. He was overly strict on when they could play and who they could play with, and he rarely let them go over to other kids' houses.

He was nervous to even leave them in the backyard unattended.

The fact that he'd even allowed Mark to babysit him was incredible. Even then, he still worried constantly to the point where to often ruined his other plans. If he'd gone out to see a movie by himself, he'd leave the movie halfway to come home early, too anxious to focus on the plot and enjoy the film.

School was another source of concern for Namjoon, not simply because he wasn't there but also because of Song Eungi. However, it simply wasn't possible to do anything about it; Namjoon needed to sleep during the day, so school was the only way that he'd be able to keep up his job. Jungkook and Tae had each other and the other three were old enough to the point where they'd be able to handle themselves for the most part. Jimin was at home, safe with Namjoon.

Even his job stressed Namjoon out. He hated leaving the kids alone at night, had always hated doing so, but now it was worse than ever. He'd made more mistakes on the job recently and had thought of switching over to the day shift.

But then, of course, there was Jimin. Jimin, his beautiful, short, sweet problem. He couldn't leave Jimin home alone by himself. Jimin was nine years old, but even so, it was Jimin, his little Jimin, and he couldn't bear the thought of Jimin waking up to watch them all leave and then sitting on the couch for hours, staring at the clock, waiting for the house to be loud and warm and full again. The thought made his heart hurt. And besides, it just wasn't safe.

Nowhere was safe, anymore.

Even being on the train made Namjoon anxious. He felt his heart beating a bit faster than normal.

What if one of the passengers sees one of my kids and thinks how cute they are and how they've always wanted a little boy of their own? How hard would it be to just take Hobi's hand and lead him away or pick up Yoongi and run off with him? Yoongi wouldn't even wake up.

But then Namjoon sighed.

Still, it beats the arcade.

The arcade trip had been an hour of pure hell and torment for Namjoon.

A big space with dark lighting and loud noises. It practically screamed child abduction. And Namjoon had one pair of eyes, not six, so how was he supposed to watch every single one of them at once? He couldn't, and admitting that he was helpless terrified him.

Namjoon didn't know what it felt like to trust something. He'd felt it once, years ago. He'd trusted lots of things. He'd trusted that the sun would always rise in the morning; he'd trusted the school system to teach his sons and keep them safe; he'd trusted that his wife would always love him and be there in the morning when he woke up.

So far, only the sun hadn't failed him.

But there's always tomorrow, Namjoon thought dully, staring at the window and seeing the glare of the reflection rather than the view outside. You never knew when today is going to be the last day.

He shook his head slightly, trying to shake off the dark thoughts.

Nobody else knew how scared he was, how obsessive he was, how anxious he was. He had to try to pretend to be normal, for his work colleagues, for Lisa, for Jimin. For everyone.

And maybe, if he kept pretending hard enough and long enough, it wouldn't be pretending anymore.

He was hoping that day would come soon.

sort of a filler chapter, but you haven't heard much from namjoon in the past few chapters. additionally, if you wanted to know the chapter the flashback quotes came from or if you wanted to reread for greater context, it's lxviii. for those of you who have made it this far and still don't know how to read roman numerals...i have no words.

also

he is just too cute

for those of you still upset that this past arc has been so jimin-centric

look at the boy in that picture

and then tell me to delete the past 50 chapters.