TW for drug use, self-harm (cutting), suicidal thoughts & graphic violence

~*~*~

"At least die with some dignity."

Edo-Natsu's words hung in the air, and before Natsu could look away the trigger was pulled. Faust's head snapped back, eyes wide in terror as a spray of blood drenched the floor and wall behind him. Faus t's body crumpled , head hitting the ground with a sickening crack.

There was so much blood. Joekel's neck was still pumping it out, deep lines from where Rogue had taken his life, and the puddle spread across the floor to mingle with Faust's blood. Edo-Natsu turned around, looking at Gray with sadness and anger in his eyes.

The air tasted like copper and Natsu gagged, unable to take his eyes off Faust's unseeing corpse, off Joekel's still-twitching body, off the hard way that Sting looked at Edo-Natsu, and-

Natsu gasped, snapping out of sleep and rolling over on his side, leaning over the edge of the bed to throw up.

"Fuck," he whispered, retching but bringing up nothing but bile that burned the back of his throat. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck." Tears forced themselves from his eyes and he couldn't hold them back, covering his mouth to muffle the sob that ripped from his throat.

He looked over at Gray's sleeping form – his shirt was off and he was lying on his side, hand out where Natsu had been holding it. Natsu slid out of bed quietly, not wanting to wake him. He grabbed his shirt and tugged it on – it was still stained with blood and he gagged at the smell, but he had nothing else to wear.

The door pinged as he opened it and he winced, looking back to Gray, but his partner didn't wake. Natsu sighed in relief and let the door slide shut behind him, then looked both ways down the hall. It seemed like it was late morning – he could hear people moving around in the common area and he headed the other way, away from the voices.

Natsu's head pounded and his throat ached from trying to vomit. He rubbed his eyes as he wandered aimlessly, feeling dull and listless. His chest hurt, everything was heavy. All he could see, over and over, was Faust's head snapping back, the spray of blood, the-

"-you okay?" Natsu blinked, looking up to see Edo-Gray standing in front of him, brow furrowed in concern. "What are you doing out here?"

"Out... where?" Natsu asked, blinking and looking around. He'd ended up in a wide hallway with several open doorways, one of which Edo-Gray was standing in, looking puzzled. Behind him were several panels that were blinking and beeping.

"It's the guard station," Edo-Gray explained, looking back into the room. "For the cells. Prisoners."

"Oh." Natsu licked his lips. "Were there... prisoners?"

"Mm." Edo-Gray brushed his bangs out of his face. "Erza freed them. Too late though, they'd all been Purged."

Natsu sighed. "I'm sorry."

Edo-Gray shrugged, then stepped out into the hallway, letting the door to the guard's office slide closed behind him. He crossed his arms over his chest – he wasn't wearing a jacket, just a dark shirt that still had a hole in it from getting stabbed. It looked like he'd washed his face, but there were still traces of blood on his arms and neck.

"Hungry?" Edo-Gray asked, nodding back the way Natsu had come. Natsu shook his head, wrapping his arms around his stomach. Edo-Gray sighed. "Didn't sleep well?"

"No," Natsu whispered. His stomach was both begging him to eat, and warning him not to. If there had been anything in there, he would have thrown it up already. "I can't..."

Silence hung in the air between them, then Edo-Gray sighed.

"First time I saw someone get shot, I was younger than you," he said softly, gesturing for Natsu to follow him away from the guard room. "'bout fifteen or sixteen. I was on a patrol. Things weren't as chancy then, we still had lots of mages."

They rounded a corner and came to another door which led out into a wide courtyard. It was fenced in on each side by a bluish forcefield, and a multitude of plants grew inside. Natsu sighed, taking a deep breath. Everything smelled like earth. Like life.

"We came up against Magehunters – hadn't been expecting 'em, they didn't usually hit that area." Edo-Gray rubbed his arm absently. "One of 'em grabbed me and then – just... he let go. Blood everywhere, on me, on him. Laxus saved my ass, shot the whoreson right between the eyes."

Natsu winced, reaching out and touching the leaves of one of the plants around him. The flower petals were soft under his fingers and he focused on the sensation, closing his eyes.

"I couldn't sleep for a while after that," Edo-Gray continued. "But if he hadn't done it, I'd be dead. Just like... your Gray. At the warehouse, he saved my-"

"I don't want to talk about it," Natsu whispered. He'd been nearly unconscious then and Gray had told him later, in the dark of their room at the hideout while he shook and cried. "I don't want... I don't want any of this."

"I know," Edo-Gray said, sitting down on a bench. "None of us do."

Natsu felt the tears coming again and he didn't bother to fight it this time. He slumped down on the ground, leaning against the trunk of one of the trees and burying his head in his arms as he cried. When he felt a gentle touch on his hand, he looked up, startled. Edo-Gray had reached out tentatively and was brushing his fingers against Natsu's.

"I'm sorry," Edo-Gray said. "Nothing went right." He pulled back and looked at his hands, and Natsu knew he was thinking of his magic - the powers he would never get back.

"Everything's fucked," Natsu whispered, and Edo-Gray nodded in agreement. "I just want to go home."

~*~*~

Natsu eventually let Edo-Gray lead him back to the kitchen, where Gray was seated at the table, poking at a bowl of processed nutrisoy. He stood up as they came in, giving Natsu a concerned look and wrapping an arm around him when Natsu leaned heavily against him.

"How's your stomach?" he asked Edo-Gray, gesturing at the bloody stain on his shirt. Edo-Gray shrugged, poking the area.

"Better," he said, settling down at the table. "Wendy looked at it again. I'll live." He didn't look thrilled at the prospect.

Natsu settled down at the table between the two Grays, slumping down and pillowing his head on his arms. Gray stroked his hair gently, sitting in silence until Erza pulled out a chair and sat down next to him.

"You two okay?" she asked, looking at Natsu with concern.

"No," Natsu mumbled into his sleeves. He peeked up at Erza, eyes red and swollen. "What... what do we do now?"

She sighed. "We need to take the city." She leaned forward on her elbows, looking between the three of them. "Sting's helping me connect to the system so we can broadcast a holo, but in the meantime we need to clean up the square." She chewed her lip. "Natsu? Is that... is it too much?"

"Yeah," Natsu choked out. "But I'll do it anyway."

"What about Undertown?" Edo-Gray asked, glancing back to the platform that extended from the end of the room out into the air. Gray followed his gaze to see Edo-Natsu sitting next to Rogue, who had an arm around him.

"Nothing we can do about it for now," Erza said, flexing her fingers. Her forehead was bandaged and her face was still dirty from the fight. "We don't have magic, so it can stay Hollow's problem for now."

The chair across from Gray squeaked as it dragged across the floor and Sting slumped down into it, rubbing his face. He looked like he hadn't slept – his face was drawn and pale, and a dirty bandage covered his neck, just below his ear. Gray noticed that Edo-Gray wouldn't look up at him.

"Think I got it," Sting mumbled, handing Erza a datapad. "Should be connected to the whole network – out there too, not just in Imperium." He yawned. "You really think this is the best idea?"

"Out of all of us, you're the best choice," Erza said, tapping the datapad a few times and dragging up a recording feature. "You won't be alone. Now go wash up. There's a group scrub room down the hall, and there's probably a uniform or two in the lockers. You'll need to look neat for this."

"For what?" Gray asked, looking between Sting and Erza.

"Sting's going to be the interim head of state until we can hold elections," Erza explained. "We met last night and it was unanimous." Sting's face shifted, but he didn't disagree with Erza. "His plan is what took down the Wall – the people on our side look up to him. The rest... well, we'll see what happens."

"The glitterkids aren't gonna be happy about it," Sting grumbled. "Who knows what the rest of the state's gonna think." He stood up, then looked at Natsu and Gray sympathetically. "I'm sorry the stone didn't work."

Natsu grunted, keeping his face buried in his arms. Gray sighed, giving Sting a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"We'll figure it out," Gray said, wishing he believed his own words. Maybe if he said it often enough, it would be true.

~*~*~

Natsu didn't say anything as they made their way down the steps of Acropolis, weaving around chunks of debris and the bodies of dead Magehunters. As they passed them, Natsu held out his hand and let searing flames consume the corpses, leaving nothing but piles of ash in his wake.

"Natsu." Gray reached out to grab Natsu's sleeve but Natsu jerked away, raising his hand at another body. The scent of burning flesh filled the air, but Natsu's face didn't change. Gray's stomach twisted - this was exactly what he'd been afraid of when he'd woken up in an empty bed. "C'mon, sweetheart. Talk to me."

"Nothing to talk about," Natsu said dully. He didn't look up from the ground as he continued moving down the stairs. They were in the entrance hall now – the ceiling had mostly collapsed from the explosion, sharp chunks of rubble embedded in the walls.

"Natsu..."

"What the hell do you want me to say?" Natsu rounded on Gray, eyes red and swollen, jaw set in anger. Gray's heart ached at the sight – all he wanted to do was pull Natsu into his arms, but when he stepped forward, Natsu backed away. "There's nothing to say. We're stuck in this fucking nightmare with no way out."

"I know, I-"

"I want to go home," Natsu said, turning and blasting flames at yet another corpse. "I'm here fucking burning bodies and I want to go home. I miss the guild. I miss my friends. I'm sick of this goddamn place and its drugs and guns and-"

"Natsu!" Gray stepped forward, grabbing Natsu's shoulders and holding tight as Natsu struggled to pull away. "Breathe."

"Fuck you!" Natsu shouted, breaking out of Gray's hold and shoving him backward. Gray wanted to cry – this wasn't Natsu, wasn't his sweet, brave partner who always had a smile on his face. This Natsu looked like a stranger.

"Natsu, don't shut me out." Gray tried to move forward again and Natsu shook his head, taking a step back. "Please, we can do this together, we can figure out how to get-"

"Shut UP!" Natsu shouted, flames bursting from his fists and licking up his arms. "You don't know, you can't- we can't-"

"We can, we just-"

Gray didn't have time to finish his sentence before a ball of fire hit him, knocking him backward into a pile of rubble. He'd managed to pull up an ice shield out of instinct, but the blast had been strong and his forearms prickled from the heat.

"What the hell?" Gray pushed himself to his feet and stared at Natsu, who was breathing heavily and wreathed in flame. "I don't wanna fight yo-"

"I DO!" Natsu shouted, charging at Gray and swinging wildly. The punch was sloppy and Gray avoided it easily, but he could feel the heat of Natsu's flames against his skin.

"Natsu, please." Gray held his hands out, but as soon as he looked at Natsu, he knew he couldn't avoid this fight. Natsu's eyes were pools of anger and grief, and his face was twisted into something that Gray barely recognized.

"Stop fucking around!" Natsu snarled, shooting a jet of flame that caught Gray on the shoulder. Gray hissed in pain, stumbling backward.

He needs this, Gray thought as he brought up his hands, frost trailing down his arms. He dropped into a defensive stance and stared sadly at Natsu. He needs to feel this instead of thinking.

"Fine," he growled. If Natsu needed a fight, Gray would give him one, even if it was the last thing he wanted. "C'mon," Gray taunted, feeling sick. "You can do better than that."

Natsu shouted and charged at Gray, missing him and instead taking an ice-coated fist to the face. He stumbled backward, blood pouring from his nose, and for a moment Gray thought it was over. Then Nastu growled and rushed him again.

After that, Natsu was merciless. His attacks were still uncoordinated but he held nothing back, hitting Gray with everything he had. Gray defended himself, landing a few hits, but mostly trying to keep himself alive and unburned.

"Fight BACK!" Natsu shouted, barreling into Gray's space and taking him by surprise. A fist hit Gray's cheek and he shook his head in surprise. "Hit me, goddamnit!"

Gray snarled and slammed his elbow into Natsu's throat, knocking him backward. A sheet of ice appeared beneath Natsu's feet and he slipped, falling onto his back and hitting his head on the ground with a loud crack.

"Shit." Gray dropped to his knees beside Natsu, touching his cheek. "Fuck, Natsu, I'm-"

Natsu grabbed Gray's jacket, pulling him down and flipping him so that Natsu was straddling Gray's hips. He pinned Gray's hands under his knees and leaned over him, breathing heavily. His eyes were wild and filled with tears, and his nose was still dripping blood.

"Do it," Gray said softly, relaxing under Natsu's grip. He couldn't fight anymore. It was too much. "If it'll make you feel better, hit me." Natsu's fist drew back but he hesitated, his whole body shaking. "I can take it, you know I can," Gray said, never looking away. "I can take it, if that's what you need."

And then Natsu was falling on Gray, hard, angry sobs wracking his body. "I'm sorry," he whispered brokenly, shaking as Gray pushed himself up and wrapped his arms around Nastu, pulling him close. "Fuck, I'm sorry, I-"

"Shhh," Gray said softly, running a hand up and down Natsu's back and kissing his forehead. "I know." Natsu buried his face in Gray's jacket and Gray held him tighter. "We'll figure it out."

"What if we can't?" Natsu's skin was hot and Gray pressed a thin sheet of ice over the back of his neck, like he used to do on long train rides when Natsu was nauseous. "What if we can't go home?"

Gray made a soft sound, pressing kisses to Natsu's forehead and temples as he ran his fingers over Natsu's back. He didn't say anything – what could he say? He let frost creep out from him and soon they were surrounded by ice; thick walls protecting the two of them while Natsu cried.

"You're safe in here," Gray murmured. "You're safe with me."

~*~*~

~*~*~

Gray stood from the kitchen table, wincing at the dull pain in his side. Everything ached today. Erza looked up at him in concern, her face drawn and pale.

"How are you doing?" she asked gently. Gray sighed, rubbing his face.

"Terrible," he said. Last night with Natsu had felt hopeful – the touching, soft kisses along Gray's scars, the feeling of being with Natsu after all these years. But it was day now, and everything was too much. The night had hidden Gray's secrets, his filth, his lies, but now the sun cast light in all his dark places. "Is there a... private scrub room?"

"Gray..." Erza's voice was gentle and he flinched away from it, taking a step backward. She was too close. Everyone was too close. Gray touched the front pocket of his pants and exhaled when he felt the pill container. He still had some left.

"'m fine," he said, not meeting Erza's eyes. He was the farthest thing from fine. "Just need to wash up."

Erza sighed, then nodded her head down the hallway. "Joekel's quarters has a big one. There's wear in there too – might be a bit big, but better than that." She gestured to his torn, blood-spattered shirt and he shrugged.

"Dankon." His skin felt too tight. He tried to force himself to keep his gaze forward, but his body disobeyed and turned to look at Natsu and Rogue. They were facing each other, Rogue's hand on Natsu's arms, talking quietly in the thin sunlight. It was clear that Natsu had been crying. Gray felt like throwing up.

"It'll work out." Erza's voice came from directly behind him and Gray's heart leapt in fear. He snarled, whipping around and reaching for his gun before realizing what he was doing. He quickly dropped his defensive stance and let out a shaky breath.

"Sorry," he said, rubbing his eyes. "I gotta..."

Gray moved past Erza, careful not to touch her, then all but ran down the hallway toward Joekel's quarters. The door slid open and he placed his hand on the scanpad, locking it with a few quick taps. His breath was coming in quick, short bursts, leaving him feeling like he was drowning. Everything in his mind was too much, too loud.

...marry me when all this is over...

you have to go, love you so much...

please, please stop...

won't tell, never tell, can't tell but pain and blood, can't breathe...

everything hurts and nothing is real...

"I'd never hurt you"...

gentle fingers, doesn't hurt...

"you're never going to see sunlight again"...

gun in hands, arms shaking...

gentle hands on hips and back, lips pressed to lips...

"on your knees"...

choking on water, pulling down, down, down...

"STOP!" Gray slammed his hands against the door, then grabbed the dagger from the strap around his thigh and brought it down on his arm. The pain was sharp and he gasped, watching the blood well up and spill down to his fingers, hot and thick. He sobbed and gripped the handle of the dagger tightly, wanting to bring the blade to his skin again. But Natsu was here now, Natsu would see, Natsu would know how dirty and tainted Gray was.

Gray threw the dagger across the room, dropping to the ground and screaming into his folded arms. He pressed a hand to the bleeding wound, gasping at the pain and shaking his head. This wasn't how it were supposed to be. Everything was wrong, everything hurt, and the ache in his chest was overwhelming.

He looked over at the dagger again, wondering how long it would take to die if he used it in the right place.

He imagined the look on Natsu's face if he found Gray's body on the floor.

He couldn't do that.

He couldn't do this.

Shaking hands dug the pill container from his pocket and Gray popped down the last of the Sin dry, coughing as it stuck in his throat. A sob broke out of his chest and he realized he was crying, tears dripping from his cheeks to his arms.

Gray tugged his shirt off, wrapping it around the wound on his arm to stop the bleeding. He pushed himself to his feet, staggering over to the bed and collapsing on it. He choked out another ragged sob as he curled up and pressed his face into the mattress, waiting for the Sin to take over, for everything to be dull and the world to be something he could live in again.

~*~*~

A ping at the door brought Gray out of his half-sleep and he blinked slowly, the world resolving into something soft and manageable. He sighed, rolling onto his back and glancing down at his arm. The shirt wrapped around it was wet.

"Gray?" That was Natsu's voice. Gray frowned. He wanted to hear Natsu's voice, but... the blood. Right.

"Jus'... sec," he slurred, pushing himself up. The blanket under him was stained as well, and there was a puddle of red in front of the door.

"Gray, are you okay?"

"'m fine..." Gray pushed himself up and dizziness overtook him. He fell to his knees, bracing himself against the floor. The room was swaying and the walls were bleeding, deep red drip-drip-dripping to the ground. Drek. It was supposed to be soft. Not like this.

"Sting! Help!" Footsteps pounded down the hallway and voices spoke hurriedly outside the door, but the sounds were drowned out by the sound of Gray's heart throbbing in his ears.

The door slid open and Gray collapsed back against the bed. He stared up at the ceiling that was dotted with stars. He wondered if they would burn his hands if he touched them.

"Gray!" There was Natsu, blocking the stars. But he was a star, a star with red cheeks and red eyes and words spilling from his lips. "What the hell's wrong with him?" Hands touched Gray's face and left burning trails down to his neck. Gray whimpered, trying to pull away. "Gray, look at me."

"It's Sin." There was Sting's voice, Sting's fingers on his neck, feeling for his pulse.

"St'p," Gray mumbled, blinking slowly. He couldn't move his fingers. A muted throb pulsed in his left arm. "'m fine."

"You're not fine, you idiot!" Gray felt pressure on his arm as Natsu yelled at him. "Frak, he's still bleeding. What's Sin?" Natsu's voice was shaking, scraping against Gray like nails.

"It's a... a 'pharm. From Undertown." Sting's voice was sad and Gray tried to look up at him, frowning through the haze around everything. "It... mutes things. Makes you see stuff. He..."

"He what? Tell me the truth," Natsu pleaded. "I don't..."

"He takes it a lot," Sting whispered. "It's... we're pretty sure he's addicted. It's not usually this bad, though – it might be the blood loss." Sting tapped Gray's cheek gently. "Karulino, look at me. Did you take anything else?"

Gray shook his head, groaning. "'s just Sin," he said, pulling away from Sting and trying to tug his arm out of Natsu's grasp. "Don' touch me." He squeezed his eyes shut, squirming away from whatever was crawling across his skin. "Don' touch. Just wanna..."

"Gray, you have to let us look at your arm." Sting's voice was gentle. "You've lost a lot of blood." Gray shook his head, whimpering as another wave of dizziness overtook him.

"Gray." Natsu's voice was soft and Gray opened his eyes, frowning. Natsu was glowing blue, sparks dancing in his hair. "Look at me, love."

"Mi ne povas." Natsu looked up at Sting helplessly, confusion written on his face. Gray could see tears in both men's eyes and his chest hurt, everything hurt, he just wanted it to stop. "Ne ploru. Mi bedaŭras."

"I don't understand," Natsu whispered, shifting closer to Gray.

"He's telling you not to cry," Sting said sadly. "And that he's sorry."

"Don't be sorry," Natsu whispered, brushing his fingers over Gray's cheek. Gray flinched, feeling like he was going to be sick. "You're gonna be okay."

Gray shook his head vehemently. "Mi ne estas bona," he argued. "Mi estas senutila, senvalora, ne bona, rompita."

"You're not broken," Sting said gently. "C'mere." He slid his arms under Gray's head and legs, ignoring Gray's weak protests. The world spun as Sting brought Gray back to the bed, laying him down, away from the bloody stain. Sting pulled away the shirt from the wound and hissed sympathetically. "That's deep."

He wrapped the shirt back around Gray's arm and Gray groaned at the spike of pain. Sting placed Gray's other hand over the bandage and squeezed as Natsu sat down beside Gray on the bed, reaching out and stroking his hair. "I'm not mad," Natsu said softly. "It's okay."

"I'm gonna go grab the medkit," Sting said. He disappeared from Gray's view, then the door pinged open and his footsteps took off down the hall.

"Talk to me," Natsu pleaded, wiping tears from his face. "I don't know what to do."

Gray blinked slowly, looking up at Natsu. Fingers ran through his hair and he tried not to flinch, tried to breathe around the hurt in his chest.

"...th'ght I was dead." His words ran together and he kept his eyes on Natsu's face. The stars on the ceiling floated behind Natsu's head, sparking into a million different colors. Natsu touched Gray's cheek gently. "But you w'r safe, 'an they..." Gray's throat hurt so badly.

"I'm sorry," Natsu whispered, moving his hand back to Gray's hair. Gray allowed the touch, focusing on it instead of the crawling sensation on his legs and arms. "I would have come." Natsu's voice broke and he took a shaky breath. "I wanted... I woke up without you. And then the holo, and you, I w-watched you die, and... if I had known, I would have come, I would have burned this place to the ground. I'm so sorry."

"'s not y'r fault," Gray mumbled. He felt cold creeping up his fingers and he whimpered. "'s fake. He – Revik – kept me... two y'rs." Gray tried not to look at Natsu's distraught face. "Was bad. Hurt, always."

Maybe if he let it out, if he told Natsu, there would be an end. Natsu would leave, and Gray would be allowed to die.

"Cut me... took..." He looked down at his hands, his missing fingers. "D-drowned, all... bad, couldn't b-breathe..."

"Gray," Natsu breathed, choking on a sob. "I d-didn't-"

"N'bdy did," Gray insisted. "'s not your fault. Just... can't, not, not th' same now."

"I love you," Natsu whispered, leaning down and kissing Gray's forehead. "Doesn't matter what happened. I don't care about the scars, or if you're with them, or if you take 'pharms to get by. Nothing you do could make me stop loving you."

Gray shook his head. It didn't make sense. How could Natsu care? Gray was broken and dirty and didn't deserve this love. It hurt, a deep ache that made the pain in his arm feel like nothing.

"I want to die," he whispered.

There was a long silence, then Natsu lay down next to Gray, shifting on the stump of his right arm. He didn't say anything, just kept running his hand through Gray's hair as he pressed their foreheads together.

After several minutes, Natsu moved his hand down to Gray's shoulder. "Can I touch you here?" he asked. Gray let out a sob and curled up tighter. He nodded, trying not to flinch when Natsu's hand ran down his arm.

"I can't imagine what you're feeling," Natsu said, voice breaking. "But I already thought you were dead once, and it hurt more than anything in the world."

Gray couldn't stop the soft whine that escaped his throat. He had hurt Natsu. He was still hurting Natsu. All he did was hurt himself and everyone else.

"I know it's hard," Natsu said, kissing Gray's forehead. "I know it feels like you can't do this, but you can. You're strong and brave and I love you even when you hurt yourself. Even when you want to – to die." He curled up and wrapped his hand around the back of Gray's neck, chest shaking with barely held-in sobs. "And I'll love you if you stay with them."

Gray felt something break inside him and he leaned forward, grabbing Natsu's shirt and pressing his face to Natsu's chest. The tears flowed freely now, and his shoulders shook as he let Natsu wrap his arm around Gray and kiss his hair.

"It's okay," Natsu whispered, stroking Gray's back. "You can do this. You're strong. I love you."

~*~*~

After Sting bandaged up Gray's arm, he gave him a pain patch that dragged Gray quickly into unconsciousness. Natsu sat beside Gray, feeling like a hollowed-out version of himself. Sting settled down hesitantly at the end of the bed, near Gray's feet but not touching him.

"I wish I could have killed him," Natsu whispered, clutching Gray's hand tightly.

"Who?"

"The monster who did this." Natsu let go of Gray's hand and ran his fingers over the scar that ran down Gray's face, his jaw set in anger. "I want to... gods, I wanna hurt something." He swallowed heavily, leaning back against the headboard. He felt unreal. Was it just a day ago when he'd been sitting on the roof of the guild, watching the Wall come down?

Everything felt fuzzy.

"You should sleep," Sting said gently, and Natsu bristled.

"Don't tell me what to do," he snapped. As soon as the words left his mouth, his face drew into an expression of regret. "Frak, I'm sorry."

"You have every right to be mad at me," Sting said, shaking his head. He rubbed his face with both hands. "It's all..."

"A nightmare," Natsu whispered. "I wish... I don't want it to be real. I wanna wake up, this isn't... it's not..." He growled in frustration. "I wanted him back, but not like this."

"Nats-"

"That's not what I meant, frak, I can't even..." Natsu squeezed his eyes shut. "I love him, and it's not... it's just... he's in so much pain." He opened his eyes and looked at Sting. "Is it me?"

"No." Sting looked like he was going to reach out and touch Gray, but he kept his hands in his lap. "He's... since we got him back, he hasn't been the same. It's... what Revik did to him, it broke him. He's his mess of... of nightmares, and 'pharms, and fighting, and drink, and we... I thought we were helping, he needed comfort and we tried... but maybe it wasn't-"

"Sting." Natsu's voice was soft. "You did what you could."

Sting let out a mirthless laugh. "Didn't do any good," he whispered. "Undertown's a hellhole. Just filth and corruption and everyone getting hurt." Natsu thought of Rogue, with bruises on his wrists and angry eyes. Tears stained Sting's cheeks and Nastu wished they could do something other than cry.

"He's alive," Natsu insisted. "He's... he's not good right now, but he hasn't... killed himself. Because of you guys. You kept him alive, and that's..."

A silence descended on them, broken only by Natsu's sniffling. Sting sighed, pushing himself up and packing up the medkit.

"I'd better go wash up," he said softly. "Here's another 'derm for the pain." He handed the patch to Natsu, then gave him a sad look. "You should go," he said. "Take him away from here. Go somewhere he can't get at the 'pharms, where he can get better. He needs you."

"He needs you, too," Natsu whispered, but Sting was already walking away, door closing behind him and leaving Natsu in silence.

~*~*~

Gray woke with Natsu wrapped around him. Both the Sin and the painkillers were out of his system and his arm throbbed. His head was pounding, and when he rolled away from Natsu he found that the rest of his body ached as well.

Gray stared at the bloodstain on the end of the bed, then down at the bandage on his arm. What had he been thinking? He pulled the empty pill container from his pocket, then tossed it across the room. Even if he wanted to get hexed, he couldn't anymore. Not like they'd be going back to Undertown anytime soon.

He pushed himself up off the bed and looked back at Natsu, who was sleeping peacefully, pink hair falling in his eyes. Gray's chest ached – Natsu deserved better. So why did he stay?

Gray rummaged around in the cupboards for a clean shirt, then slipped out of the room before Natsu could wake. Sting was just down the hallway and froze when he saw Gray, whose chest tightened with regret and shame. Gray turned and ran the opposite direction before Sting could say anything, not stopping until he lost himself in the maze of Acropolis.

After that, things were too busy for anyone to force Gray to talk about his feelings. He avoided Natsu's gaze when they were in the same room, and made excuses to stay away from Sting and Rogue whenever possible. He barely slept, and when he did it was locked in the guard room with his back against the door.

"... interim government will remain until a suitable electoral system can be set in place." Sting's voice was tinny through the speakers of the datapad, but even Gray had to admit that the words were inspiring. Sting cut an impressive figure, standing on the same balcony where Gray's execution had been faked. A haircut and some clean clothes had done wonders for him, and Gray barely recognized the one-eyed deck jockey from Undertown.

"Emergency relief is already being provided to Louen and Sycca," Sting continued. He wore a white jacket with a bright orange symbol emblazoned over his left breast. A phoenix. The new symbol of hope, rising from the ashes of a fallen empire. "We are asking for volunteers to help deliver relief packages, and are accepting donations of wear, prepacks and medkits."

Gray sighed, rubbing his eyes and setting down the datapad. He knew the two Otherworlders were out there now, traveling through Imperium as one of the many faces of the Resistance. His Natsu was probably out there too, bringing people in with his friendly smile, and Rogue was Sting's right-hand man, responsible for the more bureaucratic parts of the job.

Everyone was helping except Gray.

He rubbed his face, looking down at his arm where the deep cut had already begun to scar, a whitish pink line against the million other marks on his skin. What could he do? How did he fit here, in this world? Undertown had been easy – everyone was hard and angry and kept to themselves. But here... here people stared, and whispered, and avoided Gray. Here, the noises were too loud and everything was too bright and too much.

The datapad beeped as the transmission ended and Gray sighed, pushing himself to his feet and heading out of guard room. The hallway was empty and he made his way back to Joekel's room, hesitating outside the door. Gray hadn't been back here since he'd run away, but he desperately needed a shower and wasn't about to use the public scrub room.

The door was unlocked and he peeked inside, sighing in relief when he saw that Natsu wasn't there. A small pile of clothes was stacked on one of the beds, but other than that the room was as bare as it had been when Gray had first come here.

Gray headed into the scrub room that was attached to the suite. It was fancier than anything he'd seen before, with flash tech walls and a sprayer that actually produced hot water. Gray tugged off his clothing and threw everything in the recycler. He carefully lifted the chain from around his neck and set it on the counter, then stepped under the water and sighed.

The heat was soothing and Gray sighed with relief as he tipped his head up, scrubbing at the dirt that coated his skin. The water that ran down to the floor of the shower was dark and grimy, and Gray felt a bit lighter as he continued to rinse himself off.

"Gray?" He startled and opened his eyes, wiping water from his face. Natsu was standing in the doorway to the bathroom, looking at Gray with concern. "H-hey." He held Gray's gaze for a second, then dropped his eyes to the floor.

Gray's heart ached at the expression on Natsu's face and he pushed the door to the shower open, reaching out his hand. "C'mere," he said softly. Natsu looked hesitant, so he added, "please."

Natsu nodded, shrugging off his jacket and letting Gray help him tug his shirt over what was left of his arm. He kicked off his pants and stepped under the water with Gray. Natsu hummed contentedly, leaning his head forward against Gray's shoulder. He shivered as Gray ran his hands up to the back of Natsu's neck, then started to tug gently at the knots in his hair.

Without speaking, Gray reached over to the ledge of the shower and grabbed a fancy-looking bottle of what he assumed was soap. He lathered some in Natsu's hair – it smelled like fruit – and began to comb out the tangles with his fingers. Natsu sighed, pressing against Gray and wrapping his arm around Gray's waist.

"How're you feeling?" Natsu asked after a minute. Gray finished rinsing Natsu's hair, then began to run his fingers down Natsu's back, tracing his spine with gentle fingers. He sighed.

"Not great," he admitted, pressing his face into Natsu's hair. "I'm sorry. I didn't know wh-"

"No more being sorry, okay?" Natsu tipped his head up and caught Gray's lips in a kiss. Gray let out a soft sound, returning the kiss and bringing a hand up to run his fingers along Natsu's cheek. "We're both sorry. Apologizing isn't gonna fix anything."

Natsu held out his hand for Gray to pour the soap into his palm, then ran his hand over Gray's scalp, fingers combing gently through the shorter hair on the sides. It had been shaved before, when the Otherworlders had shown up, but Gray had let it grow out a bit over the past few months.

Gray closed his eyes and let himself enjoy the touch, feeling the hot water drain the ache from his body. Natsu wasn't going to hurt him. This felt good – Natsu's fingers in his hair, then trailing down to his jaw, then tracing the outline of his scar, stopping where his guild mark had been.

"It hurt," Gray said softly, bringing his own hand up to Natsu's right shoulder. He hesitated, but Natsu nudged him and he touched along the raised scar where Natsu had lost his arm. "You hurt too."

"Mm." Natsu leaned in and pressed a kiss to Gray's chest. "Hurt like a bitch for a long time." He looked down at Gray's fingers on his scar. "I can't feel that. 's weird. For the longest time I had this... felt like my arm was still there. I kept trying to grab things with it." He chuckled. "I got used to it eventually. Had to relearn everything with my left... I'm awful at writing now. Not great at shooting either."

Gray snorted. "You were always a terrible shot, even with your right." He ran his hand back up to the upper part of Natsu's right arm, then up to his neck where he leaned in and kissed it. "I missed you so much."

"Even with them?" Natsu swore as soon as he said it, shaking his head. "Frak, I'm sorry, that was stupid, I didn't mean-"

"It's okay," Gray murmured against Natsu's neck. "Yeah, even with them. I thought about you every godsdamn day." He nuzzled Natsu's collarbone. "I never thought I'd see you again. I never... never wanted you to see me like this."

"It's okay," Natsu replied, pulling Gray back up into a kiss. "I love you all ways." He pushed Gray back gently against the wall of the shower, running his fingers down to Gray's hip and back up again. Gray moaned softly into Natsu's mouth, pulling Natsu tightly against him. His head spun, torn between talking this out and the way Natsu's lips moved against his.

"I want to be better but I don't know how," he said softly.

"Come home with me."

The words were whispered against Gray's lips and he froze, hands in Natsu's hair. Natsu dropped his head to Gray's shoulder. "I know it's selfish. I know it's... that you have a life here, and it's... but I love you so much, and I miss you, and maybe things, maybe they can be better if we're somewhere else."

Gray pulled Natsu tight against him, kissing his head and swallowing. He tried to respond but the words stuck in his throat. Leave here? Go... home?

"We don't have to go back to the guild," Natsu said, voice muffled. "We could... get a place, out in the country, away from people... and just be us." He pressed a kiss to Gray's collarbone.

"I..." Gray took a shaky breath, focusing on the water dripping from his hair, Natsu's skin under his fingertips. They could... it could be better. Could it? He looked down at the scar on his arm. Could he be more than this, more than broken? "I..."

"I know," Natsu said, letting out a shaky sigh. "I know, there's them, and I get it... I mean, I don't..." He groaned in frustration. "I told you before, I love you and I will no matter what. If you want to stay with them... I mean, it'll hurt, but I understand."

Gray's chest ached again. He didn't want to think about this, think about leaving, or staying, or feelings, or the way he would hurt someone no matter what he chose.

"It's... things here are gonna take a bit," Natsu said quietly. "Stuff with the city, the government. But when it's done..." he hesitated. "I'm leaving. Going back. I can't stay here."

Gray let out a muffled sound and pressed his face into Natsu's hair. "I don't..."

"It's not because of this," Natsu said, running his fingers over the scar on Gray's forearm. "Or the 'pharms or anything. It's just... I don't belong here. I've had enough of it... the fighting, the hiding, the running. I just want to... have a place. Watch sunsets. Be happy."

Happy. Gray sighed, wrapping his arms tightly around Natsu. Was that something he could be? Did he deserve it?

"I-"

"It's okay." Natsu shook his head and ran his hand up to the back of Gray's neck. "You don't have to answer now." He pulled back a bit, looking into Gray's eyes and bringing a hand up to his cheek. "Right now, just kiss me."  

~*~*~

Underspeak Translations

Karulino = sweetheart
Mi ne povas = I can't
Ne ploru. Mi bedaŭras. = Don't cry. I'm sorry.
Mi ne estas bona = I'm no good
Mi estas senutila, senvalora, ne bona, rompita. = I'm useless, worthless, no good, broken.