It was hard to believe how quickly things had shifted. Less than an hour ago, I was swept up in anger, almost killing my combat trainee, with a flurry of punches to her face and now I was in Heather's room, lost in that endless kissing session.

I had no thoughts of Kate or the consequences of what I'd done. Instead, I was reflecting on how crazy was to realize your body has its own language and can speak with other bodies without you noticing. Plus, It has also its own memory, completely separate from your mind. So you might think you've moved on from something mentally, but your body hasn't. And then one day boom– there's this weird little tug-of-war happening inside you. It's something you don't even notice until your body decides to speak up. 

That's when it hits you: you are a stranger to yourself.

The way Heather kissed me, with an urgency that told me how much more she wanted and at the same time, with a struggle to hold herself back, sent a jolt through my body. Just like grabbing a live wire. My body reacted on its own, as I was telling you. First impatient, then scared, a flicker of anger flashing through, before it seemed to stabilize, only to loop right back to impatience, desire, and finally straight into panic.

It surprised me, honestly. Especially because the last time I hooked up with a girl, I thought that if that was what everyone called love, it fit right in with the dull landscape of The Other Side. Good, but not thrilling. Entertaining, but not worth dying for. Comfortable, but not essential. And for sure, it wasn't even close to the chaotic mess of emotions I was drowning in now.

That was years ago, though. Her name was Lue, a girl who loved chewing aromatic herbs she'd gathered from the woods. Her mouth always tasted like mint, melissa, or rosemary, her top three favorites. I guess Lue didn't impress me that much back then? She was cute, though and we had fun, but I'd never lost control with her, never felt my body so completely stirred up like now.

And I wasn't the only one. Heather seemed a little unleashed herself. Strange to see, but damn, it was sexy. She started by holding my face, but at some point, her hands found my wrist. It didn't take long before one slipped under my shirt.

And when her fingers brushed my skin, the independence of my body went even wilder. Her touch burned, sparking something in every corner of me. I just wished my mind would stop racing so much. It was like it was trying to keep up with my body, which was moving a hundred miles a minute. Not that I didn't want to lose control, but somehow, I wanted us to get there together, mind and body, hand in hand. More in sync, you know? Like the way Heather's lips moved with mine, now that was the gold standard of synchronicity. The rhythm was almost too perfect, like we'd been doing this forever.

I cupped her face with one hand, and with the other, trailed down her neck before disappearing into her hair. God. That hair. Impossibly soft, yet equally wild, like a waterfall daring me to dive headfirst. I couldn't get enough of it, and I had to make a conscious, demanding choice to ignore my heart. It was pounding way too loud in every vein, blood pulse, and limb of my body. It almost seemed to be trying to steal the spotlight from all the other physical reactions. So, I shoved it to the background noise with all my other messy thoughts and blocked out everything else.

Yeah, that was better. Just her. Just me.

But, of course, the moment you try to hold to something too tightly, the universe is right there, ready to smash it with the hardest rock it can find.

A sharp knock on the door, but It could've been a bucket of cold water. The blowback would've been the same.

"Don't open it." I said.

Heather turned to the door, lifting his body a little and releasing mine. She hesitated (and I loved that she did) But finally gave in, "I have to."

"Heather? Grace? Are you in there?" It was Lea's voice.

Heather darted to the door while I scrambled to pull my shirt back on, trying to look like I hadn't just been completely undone. I had no idea what to do with my face, though, I knew it was burning like the electric tower in that fucking storm. I could only hope Lea would think it was still the anger from the combat test and not the fact that my body had sent all the blood exactly where my emotions wanted it to go.

Heather swept her hair into a ponytail and that was all it took her to get back to the confident, serious, and though leader she always was. Impressive, really, how fast she could switch gears. Maybe a bit scary too...

"Yes, coming" She said then turned to me one last time. "You ready?"

I nodded.

Heather opened the door while taking a breath.

"Finally..." Lea, arms crossed in her chest, waited for us, her face not precisely friendly. "What took you so long?"

"Nothing, we were just discussing what happened." Heather said so confidently, it was impossible to doubt her.

Lea looked over Heather's shoulder to catch a glimpse of me. "Kate wants to talk to Grace"

I hurried to the door. "How is she?"

I felt terrible for Kate, the test had been a macabre torture but she didn't deserve what I did.

"She's been better." Lea said clearly annoyed. "You'll find out when you talk to her."

"Ok, let's go then." I said, stepping out of Heather's room. "Thanks for the chat." I said gazing at her.

"You better control yourself next time." Heather said pretending to be angry.

Lea walked me down the hallway until we reached the office. With a gesture, she indicated for me to go in. I took a deep breath, placed my hand on the doorknob, and paused for a moment.

My mind was a mess. I still didn't know what the hell had happened out there. I also didn't know what the hell happened in Heather's room either. I wasn't sure if the words would come out of my mouth correctly. I could still screw things up even more.

Control yourself, Grace. Control yourself.

When I opened the door, I saw Kate sitting in that plush crimson armchair, holding an ice pack against her face, her eyes closed.

"I'm so sorry, Kate, so, so sorry." I blurted out as I closed the door.

She looked at me and let out a long sigh. Then she put down the ice pack, revealing her purple and swollen eyebrow, and leaned on her arm, gesturing for me to sit in the chair that lay in front of her.

"Quite an impression you made out there." She said with a wry tone.

"How can I compensate?"

Kate held her hands together letting them over her legs and gasped. "I don't want you to compensate for anything, I want you to find a way to control your impulses."

Okay I got her, I really did, but I mean... some things needed to be said.

"Kate." A pause. "I saw my parents die."

Silence.

She closed her eyes and blinked long.

"I understand..."

Did she really?

"...and I'm sorry." She continued. "But everyone faced their worst nightmares. The simulator is designed for that. We need to make sure you can overcome any situation that arises and act in the right way. That didn't happen with you today." She took the ice pack and pressed it against her right cheek, where her flesh was open in a clean cut. "Plus, it's not the first time you've let your emotions take over."

The night of the acid rain flooded my memory. I disobeyed her by stealing that suit, and ran out into the middle of a terrible storm. Yeah, I'd acted on pure instinct, no question about it. But it felt like she was conveniently leaving out the part where I saved Heather.

"Sometimes, impulsivity can be an asset." I said.

"True, but here we can't afford to rely only on that. I need you with a clear head, Grace. Strong. Both physically and mentally."

I let myself fall into the chair, letting my arms hang at my sides as I let out a long breath. I guess it was over. My entire history as a living being had been marked by my instinct to let my body do whatever it felt. Now I had to repress it? Ha. Good luck.

"Am I suspended?" I asked, because I really just wanted to get straight to the point.

Kate fixed her eyes on me, thoughtful. "I have to think about it. I'll decide on commissioning day."

I let a breath of air out relieved. Well, if she had to think about it, maybe there was still a chance.

"You're free to leave for now." She said.

I stood up and made my way to the door.

"Grace." Her voice called once more. I turned around. "Your heart is powerful, but don't let it make all the choices. Be wise on that."

I paused. The phrase resonated in a weird way inside me.

Bullshit.

I left.

· · ·

"Double cream with extra sparkles and extra chocolate, and well... extra everything please." I said to the techno-woman at the counter of an amazingly big ice-cream shop. Laura watched as my monstrous sundae was made, her brow furrowed.

"Girl, I know we didn't have anything like this on The Other Side, but... I'm pretty sure that's classified as a health hazard, not a dessert."

"Oh, shut up. Too much going on in my life right now. I need to drown it—"

"In sugar?" Laura interrupted.

"Yes. Any problem?"

Before the techno-woman could finish drizzling the chocolate syrup, Mark leaned in from behind me.

"Another one for me, same level of extra everything." He said.

"You too?" Laura sighed, dropping her shoulders as if we were a lost cause.

"Of course!" Mark said, as if it was obvious he wasn't cutting back on the sugar. "I got eliminated in the first round of my combat test. I'm just as screwed as Grace, maybe worse. What do I need to keep my shape for now?"

I raised my hand to Mark, and he high-fived it while Laura just shook her head in disapproval.

"Oh my god, that was a week ago. When will your sugar fix stop, guys?" Laura said, exasperated.

Mark and I exchanged a knowing look and at the same time said: "Never."

Laura gasped, frustrated as we laughed.

The more I visited The City, the more I liked it. I'd already mapped the layout in my head, and I could easily navigate without needing to check directions. My favorite was the West District, where most of the Outsiders lived and worked. It might sound like a ghetto, and maybe it kind of was, but the thing is, it was the most open-minded district in all of The Reg Society. The people were friendly, diverse, and it had the most original shops around. Quite different from the North District, where you could barely see anything other than techno-humans walking up and down the streets. They were usually the most extravagant, completely loaded with implants, and not exactly known for being warm to outsiders.

With our giant sundae, we strolled down Krane Street, and Laura suddenly stopped in front of a restaurant storefront.

"Guys." Her tone was saying come here right now. "Are you seeing what I'm seeing?"

We stepped back to where Laura was and peeked through the glass of what looked like one of thoes intimate, expensive restaurants. There, a few tables away, Kate was sitting across from Lea.

"Oh," I said. "What a coincidence. The food looks really good."

"Grace, stop staring at the food. Look at their hands!" Laura said.

Then I saw it, fingers intertwined, playing with each other slowly.

"What? They're together?" Mark said, pressing his hands against the glass for a better look.

"Apparently so." Laura grinned.

It took me a second to process the image. I hadn't imagined Kate with anyone. She was so tough sometimes, it was hard to picture her with a romantic side. But there she was, with that cute sparkle in her eyes, talking calmly with Lea as if the whole world had disappeared except for them.

"Do you think it's a secret?" I asked.

"Doesn't look like it." Laura's grin widened.

"I love this kind of gossip. I was starting to get bored in the nothing-ever-happens Narval House." Mark said.

They seemed to be having such a lovely time. Lea was radiant, laughing at whatever Kate was explaining in full detail, never once letting go of her hand. Kate seemed transformed in all the good ways someone can be transformed.

Suddenly, a spike of envy shot through me. I wasn't sure if it surprised me or not. It kind of did, because why on earth should I be jealous of that? It's not like I was in the best place to start a serious romantic relationship. But then again, sometimes... just sometimes, I'd fantasized about Heather and me going on a real date. Okay, I'll admit it.

But it was just fantasy, right? She didn't give me any signal that she wanted anything more than what we """had""" which was basically some kissing here and there. Plus, when we were working, I was invisible to her. It really chilled my spine because you know when you steal glances at someone expecting to catch the other doing the same to you? Well, I did it all the time and Heather NEVER looked back at me. Not once.

When our paths crossed in the hallway, she would just let out a dry 'hello.' When we met at the training yard for exercises, she would find a spot far from me to do her routine. And during our weekly report announcements, when all the Narvals gathered in the conference room, she'd stare at a fixed point in the distance, never once letting her eyes meet mine.

I was never a distraction for her. Not at all. Well, at least... not while she was in work mode. Behind doors, I seemed to be very much of a distraction to her. Was I just that? A distraction to her chaotic world?

"Grace? You good?" Laura tapped my shoulder like she was checking if I was still breathing.

"Yeah, where'd you just go? Your sundae is in meltdown mode." Mark gestured dramatically at the colorful disaster in my hand.

"Shit!" The chocolate cream and sprinkles were cascading over my fingers like a sugary avalanche. I scrambled to toss it into the nearest trash can before it dripped all over me.

"Sorry, my mind wandered off." I said while cleaning my hand with a napkin.

Laura arched an eyebrow and gazed at Mark who seemed to know exactly what she was thinking.

"Whatever is going on here in your secret gaze language, I'm not following." I said.

"Grace. We're friends, right?" Laura asked.

"I don't like how this is starting."

Mark slid an arm around my shoulders. "Who's the lucky person taking up all your thoughts?"

My face heated up. "What?"

Mark leaned in like he was about to share some deep secret. "Grace, you know you can trust us, right?"

"Of course, but I honestly have no idea what you're talking about."

God, I was terrible at lying.

"You're the worst at lying, you know that, right?" Laura said grinning, I could tell how much she was enjoying that.

"Whatever." I resumed walking down the street, trying to escape from them.

"Alright, alright," Laura sighed, rolling her eyes, and hurting to my side. "I might've imagined seeing you and some certain someone from the lead's team together. I might've also imagined hearing you say her name in your sleep."

I froze.

"What? Did I—did I say her name?"

Laura covered her mouth with her hands as if she had witnessed the most incredible confession. "So it's true! I knew it!"

Fuck. I just totally gave myself away.

"Do you have a crush on Heather Anderson, the terrifying Border Lead?!" Mark asked with that mischievous grin of his.

"No. I don't."

"Oh, come on, Grace, give us something!" Marked insisted.

"Fine!" I threw up my hands. "Maybe a little. Maybe. But that's it. It's a silly crush."

Laura and Mark did that language gaze thingy again.

"Stop doing that!" I threw my napkin at them.

"What if she's into you too?" Laura said.

"Impossible. I'm not in her world and I don't want to be."

"Except in your dreams," Mark said with a theatrical sigh. "Then, you're very happy to be in her world. Or on her lips..."

"Shut up!" I shoved his shoulder

"Alright, alright. But if anything ever happens, you know we'll be the first to hear about it." Mark said.

"Exactly the first ones, okey?" Laura insisted.

"Sure."

We kept walking, thankfully shifting the conversation to Lea and Kate's drama-filled romance, which stole the spotlight. Thank god.

Was I a bad person for not wanting them to know we'd already kissed, like, a thousand times? Should I have told them that her hair was the softest of all soft things in the entire history of soft things? That I couldn't stop thinking about her privileged wolf eyes all day? Or wondering if she ever thought about me the way I did about her...

Maybe one day I'd tell them... Maybe.