Was it odd that I chose to bury my brother but cremate my mom?

My thoughts were a maze as I stared down at Jeremy's  coffin. Twisting and turning, helpless and dazed.

I wanted to be happy, but for these last few weeks I had been sad, confused and angry. I wanted to be alone, but I couldn't stand being alone I am empty house made for a family of four that had turned to one.

I was numb. Anxious and stressed as I tried to help Stiles and Scott turn Jackson into a werewolf. I was growing restless. I was getting tired.

Tired of the running. The fighting to keep myself alive. I was tired of waiting.

Waiting for Stiles to finally say something. I knew he wanted us to be more, but I also knew he was too scared to do anything about it at this moment. It was too soon, or maybe it was too late.

There were pats on my shoulders and hands on my back as everyone waited for me to speak, but my throat felt like a thousand needles had been stabbed into it and forced me to stay silent.

I was drowning in worries. Worries that whatever we were doing to fix Jackson wouldn't work and he'd forever be a Kanima, out there in the world taking innocent lives. Worries that the person controlling Jackson was in arms reach. Worries that I'd die before Stiles  could say anything, because I was too scared to lose someone else I cared about.

My thoughts felt like the ocean during a hurricane, it's waves pounding into my brain and giving me a headache I couldn't stray away from. I was stuck in my head, lost in my mind like a giant maze that wanted to trap me forever.

I cleared my throat quietly, turning my head to see Stiles, whose eyes were red and tear streaks shone in the sunlight. Everyone's eyes suddenly turned to me, all expecting to listen to what I had to say.

But I didn't know where to start.

"I had told Jeremy once that he could be anything he wanted to be when he grew up. As time went on, his dreams changed. 'I want to be an astronaut' or 'maybe a zookeeper so I can play with the lizards.'" There were a few hushed chuckles as I sniffles, wiping my nose.

"A few months ago, his teacher made him write a paper about what he wanted to be when he grew u And... he said he wanted to be like me." My voice had become shaky as I remembered the old memory, a small smile forming on my face as tears trickled down my cheeks. I fumbled for something in my pocket, unfolding the wrinkled paper.

"I want to be like my big brother Dean. He takes care of our mom and makes me nice food. He likes to play cars with me and tells me a bedtime story every night. He's like a cool hero without the powers and cape." I read, watching as a tear fell onto the paper.

There was more that I wanted to say. That I wasn't a hero because I didn't save him. Or that I wasn't a hero because I was letting Jeremy's killer walk around freely.

"I've been told my whole life that if you love something, you should let it go. And I've had a cold grip on my brother for the last two weeks. And I don't know if I want to set him free, or keep him her under lock and key until the day I die, too."

The small group had stayed quiet, eventually all starting to talk as I slowly backed away and to my car. I could my stay there any longer.

I knew Stiles was following closely behind from the sounds of his footsteps, and by the hand that gently touched my shoulder. "Dean... do you need to talk?" He asked as I looked at him, slowly shaking my head.

"No um... I think that— I think that I'm okay, right now." I forced on a smile, quickly getting into my car and driving away.

I knew I should have been the last to leave the funeral, but when you're now the only person left of your family that all died tragically, could you really blame me?

Maybe it was best that I left so soon so people didn't pity me with apologies about Jeremy's death. Maybe it was best they all had just kept their mouth shut.

Maybe if I did better as a brother, I wouldn't need to be pitied anymore than I already was.

Last night I had my mind occupied with Jackson that I had almost forgotten to even go to the funeral. Go figure that I was more concerned about my brother's killer than him.

𒊹︎𒊹︎𒊹︎

Apologies for the short chapter again. Trust me this was going to go VERY different and be a huge thing for Dean and Stiles' relationship but I realized I didn't want it to start the way I planned so now we all have to wait even longer