"We aren't there yet!" I cried as I paced back and forth within Merloo's small house. 

My heels were starting to hurt from all the pacing, and each time his hardwood floor creaked beneath my weight I became only more panicked. 

No matter how much we tried and practiced, I couldn't get to the safe dimension on my own. I couldn't do anything. Merloo said I was getting closer, but how was I supposed to do this? Even he couldn't get there on his own. This was something we had to do together. I wasn't strong enough, wasn't good enough.

"Shylo, calm down," Merloo said as he reached out to me.

"No!" I pushed his hand away and ran my fingers through my hair, fighting not to tear it all out in frustration and fear. "My silencing is tonight, Merloo! I wasn't fast enough! I didn't learn what I needed to, and now I'm going to pay the price!"

"I won't let that happen," he breathed. "Shylo, we need to take some deep breaths."

I pressed my eyes shut and continued pacing. How could he even say that? He had no idea what it was like. The Counter told me that my tribe would find me, no matter where I went. I couldn't just hide in Merloo's village and skip my ceremony. If I did, they'd march over here and punish me. Maybe they'd punish Merloo too. I had no idea how they dealt with outsiders, but it probably wasn't with kindness and a cup of tea. No, as much as I wanted to, I couldn't just hide over here. They'd figure it out and hurt him, too. 

I had to disappear in front of them. I had to show them that they weren't going to silence me. I had to show everyone else that they could escape too. All the children whose ceremonies were coming up, all the adults who had already been silenced, they had to see it was possible. I couldn't be erased like the fiddle player was. Though, that seemed like the easy way out. 

But most importantly, I had to show the leadership that it was me, and me alone who was escaping. I had to show them that I was something more. Show them that we could all be something more.

I had to do this so everyone else would see and follow.

But I couldn't. I wasn't good enough. Magic was too complex. I couldn't teleport, couldn't get to the safe place, I couldn't do anything besides make sparkies. Cooler multicolored sparkies, yes, but they were just sparkies. They didn't feel as bright and wonderful as they used to. Instead, they only further solidified my disappointment in myself.

"I'm going to be silenced. Then, I'll probably never be able to see you again. You won't want to see me if I can't talk. I'm going to lose everything; you, my magic, it's all going to be gone. If I speak up, they'll just string me up and make me an example like what they did to El last year. I'm next. I know it, I'm next-"

"Shh..." Merloo whispered. He took both my shoulders and kneeled down in front of me, then carefully wrapped his arms around me. "Shh... that won't happen..."

I felt myself tense. 

Shh...

"Please... please don't shush me," I cried. My nose started to itch and sting. My vision started to blur. "Please don't shush me, Merloo. Not you too."

His body stiffened for a moment. 

"...I didn't mean that," he said. "I just... we're going to make sure you don't get silenced. Even if it means I have to hide you in the safe dimension myself."

"They'll find you if you do," I sniffled. "They know everything. That's what they say. And if I don't do it at the ceremony, no one else will know that leaving is possible. No one else will be saved. I can't let it only be me, and I can't let them get you."

"I'm not scared of them."

"You should be."

Besides, if Merloo saved me he'd always have that over me. It may sound dumb, but I didn't want Merloo to be the one to rescue me from my silencing. I wanted it to be me. I wanted to prove to myself, prove to everyone that I could do it. 

Prove to everyone that they could do it.

Right?

That's what I'd been telling myself I wanted. But in the moment, a part of me just wanted to be quiet, to stay in line. I wanted to go back to following directions so I wouldn't get hurt. Back then I wasn't so afraid all the time. I missed the ignorance. It was like bliss.

"I... sometimes I don't know if I even want to," I quietly admitted, almost ashamed of myself. "Escape, I mean..."

I shook my head as more tears slipped from the sides of my face and fell to the ground, like small raindrops. I liked rain showers; the sound of water gently pattering against a rooftop, but it wouldn't rain tonight. The air was cold and dry.

"I didn't want to tell you, because I didn't want to disappoint you," I quietly cried, trembling now. My nose was running. I must have looked like nothing more than a stupid little kid. I wasn't special like he made me believe. I was just someone he found in the woods, a burden he saved from a thorn bush. 

When I thought of escape, I only half believed I could. I only half believed I wanted to. I didn't even know what I wanted. This was what El wanted, but I wasn't El. 

I made promises to him, but I had other promises, too. I promised Rylah I'd be silenced beside her. How betrayed would she feel if I just turned and left her behind? I promised my parents and the leaders that I'd do this. This was the promise made on my behalf when I was born. Because of it, they gave me my life. They gave me shelter and food. They gave me everything. Who was I to even consider turning away from them after all their sacrifice for me? Who was I to not repay their sacrifices with my own sacrifice? 

"I... I'm so confused," I muttered between quiet sobs. 

"I know, I know," Merloo said as he held me slightly closer. "I... I'm sorry. For confusing you. I just... you mean a lot to me. You mean a lot to our tribe. And... you just mean a lot in general. You're valuable. Your voice is valuable. And... if you don't want to lose it, then you shouldn't have to. But you also don't need to accept my help or let me persuade you into doing things you don't want."

"I have to repay them, right?" I whimpered. My voice felt muddy as it broke. "They gave me everything. My parents gave their voices so they could grow old and have me."

"Shylo, what I'm about to say is very important," Merloo breathed. He pulled back and wiped my tears with the back of his index finger. "Sacrifice doesn't have to be repaid with more sacrifice. All that does is create an eternal cycle of harm."

I quietly sniffled again, trying and failing to steady my breathing as he pulled further away and stood up.

"I... can't help you if you don't want me to," he admitted. "It's not right to force my help or beliefs onto someone. All I can do is tell you that if you want my help, you just have to ask. If you want to save yourself, that's okay too. Even if you want to go through with the silencing, I'll support you. Just... just know that I'm always here, okay? Voice, or no voice, I'll care about you. Until the end of time."

"R-really?" I whispered, not meaning to stutter.

I thought the only reason he wanted to be around me was because I had the same type of magic as him. 

"Really," he nodded. "You're important, Shylo. You're... like the little brother I never had, but always wanted. So... whatever happens, I'm always going to love you. Okay?"

I slowly nodded and used the back of my hand to wipe the new tears.

"Okay..."

. . .

Rylah's shoulders went still and the tears stopped falling from her eyes. The Silencer slowly placed their fingers over her face the same way they did with Juday, even though her eyelids were already pressed shut. They then moved their stuff to the third flowerbed.

They pointed the silver scissors at me.

Do I dare disturb the universe?

Our tribe never seemed small to me before. I used to think that this place was the entire world. This gathering was supposed to be the biggest meeting in the universe. One, maybe two hundred people all brought together to watch Juday, Rylah, and me be silenced. Silenced to maintain the world's balance. That's what our group was all about; balance, peace, tranquility.

I wasn't supposed to know of the Tribe of Ancients or the Tribe of Darkness. I wasn't supposed to know that I had power within me. I wasn't supposed to know that it was possible to be loved; that there were more people out there, more worlds out there.

There was a lot I wasn't supposed to learn, questions I wasn't supposed to ask.

"Shylo?" The Leader breathed from behind me. "It's your turn."

I saw myself sitting next to El at the river, watching as bright energy crackled at his fingertips. It was wild and beautiful, something I had never seen before. 

Maybe that was the moment my life changed.

Maybe the moment my life changed was when Merloo and I learned to create that safe green place.

Perhaps it was when El first turned to me and promised that we wouldn't be silenced.

Or maybe it was the moment Merloo lifted me away from the thorns and into his arms. 

I felt myself swallow as I looked at the white flowers that awaited me.

El told me I was afraid, back then. Afraid of speaking, especially in town. That's why he took me out to the river. So I could learn to be braver. Why did that matter to him, though? Why did I matter to him? 

Do I dare disturb the universe?

The Topaz was hidden in my closed fist. I wasn't like Rylah. I didn't want my mama to hold my hand, I just wanted to hold the stone. My birthstone. 

Most children who were afraid of their silencing feared the pain. They didn't care about what it was they were sacrificing for the sake of balance, they cared how much it would hurt to do so. 

Me? Well, the pain was scary, but... the idea of doing this felt worse. Like a betrayal to the people who mattered most. 

Was I brave enough to finish what El started?

"Shylo..." The Leader repeated. Her tone dropped slightly. It was lower, harsher.

I swallowed, then slowly turned to face her and The Counter.

Do I dare disturb the universe?

"That's us, Shylo," El had smiled as he wrapped an arm around my shoulder and laughed playfully, the way ten-year-olds should laugh. "Best friends."

One year ago, he stood in my place. Now, here I was, faced with the same choice. 

I'm not going to be silenced tonight. 

"I dare."

I turned to run when The Counter grasped the back of my hood, preventing me from escaping. He shook his head and clicked his tongue. My heart raced for a different reason than usual when he glanced down at me with his wide yellow eyes. 

"Tribe dismissed," The Leader announced, just as she did last year. I looked at my parents, who were in the front row. They didn't look as disappointed as I thought they would. Their faces were blank, actually. 

Did I ever mean anything to them? 

The Silencer grasped their scissors and walked toward me. They snatched me from The Counter, then grasped my wrist and twisted my arm behind my back, just as they did with El a year ago. Their grip was warm, yet harsh. 

Up close I could notice more about them. They weren't much taller than I was. Maybe three or four inches at most.

"Let me go!" I cried as I struggled against their grip. 

They remained silent while forcefully dragging me back to the flowerbed. I was thrown down harshly. Both The Leader and The Counter kneeled on each side of me and held me down as The Silencer crawled over me and pressed their knee to my chest. 

They pointed the scissors at my throat. I could barely breathe. 

I could hear El's voice as he begged to be let go. I could see the red splashing against the white roses, his white cloak. 

That wasn't going to be me. 

I pressed my eyes shut, imagining that safe place. 

Green. Good green, not The Silencer's green. Merloo green.

"We'll always find you," The Leader hummed. "Do you really think we didn't know you were sneaking off, hiding with the Tribe of Ancients?"

I briefly opened my eyes, stilling with shock. They knew about the Tribe of Ancients? I thought everyone in this tribe was under the impression that we were the only people in the world. 

"You can't run to them," she continued. "We'll find you. We'll silence every single one of them if we have to. For balance."

"For balance," The Counter echoed.

Her voice was sweet, but fake. The sweetness was never real. The warmth in The Counter's voice was never real. They were all just tricks, lies, fiction.

I shook my head. 

This wasn't balance. This was pain. Just pain. 

I pressed my eyes shut again, focusing on that safe space. 

Merloo. El. People who saw me, people who heard me.

Suddenly, the weight on my chest lifted.

I opened my eyes and quickly sat up, drenched in sweat. 

I was in front of Merloo's house. 

I let out a quiet cry as I stood up and threw his door open. I ran inside and wrapped my arms around him, knocking the tea out of his hand. I didn't mind the way it seeped through my cloak and burned my skin. 

"Shylo?" he asked.

"I ran," I cried, trying and failing to catch my breath. "But I can't stay. They know about you guys, Merloo. They told us all we were the only ones, but they know about you guys. I can't hide here. I-I don't know what to do. What do I do?!"

"Hey, deep breaths, deep breaths," he said. He briefly hugged me back, then pulled away. His voice was calm, but urgent. "Explain."

I nodded and frantically blurted everything out. I couldn't even understand or remember what I was telling him. Everything felt so blurred. All I could focus on was the way his face was paling. 

After everything was released, he slowly nodded, his face shifting to something more determined. 

"I... in order to write my book, I've had to study all kinds of magic. Light, dark, everything in between," he trailed off as he turned away and rifled through his bookshelves. He continued searching until he pulled out a large white book. I could tell it was unfinished when he opened it and flipped through various blank pages. There were symbols all over it that I didn't understand.

Someday, I was going to learn to read. I was going to learn everything. 

I wasn't going to be silenced. 

His eyes briefly skimmed over it. He slowly nodded, then closed it and set it down. 

"You said they claim they can always see you? Always find you?" he asked.

I quickly nodded. 

He let out a slow sigh, then waved his hands.

A small black and white mask appeared. 

I watched as he slowly held it out to me, trembling slightly.

"Use... use this," he whispered.

I frowned and looked down at it. It was smooth. I couldn't tell what material it was made from, but it seemed fragile. 

"It's made from light and dark magic together," he said. "Dimensional magic, like what me and you have. It... it'll hide you. You can't stay here, though. It's too close. You need to go someplace else. Somewhere far away where they can't find you. Wear that, and you should be safe. No one will recognize you. Not in the living world, at least. I don't know how the magic works in the Overthere or the Underwhere, but we don't need to worry about that for a long, long time."

"What?" I asked, shaking my head. "But... how will I learn magic?"

"I'll find you once it's safe. Somehow," he breathed. "I promise, I'll come for you once this problem is resolved. Then, I can continue teaching you. You can live here, and all will be well. But, for now, we need to make sure they don't get their hands on you. If they know about the Tribe of Ancients, then this place isn't safe, even with me here. I can't stay awake and watch you at all times. And I don't think either of us can get to the safe dimension. It requires total focus, and we're both far too panicked. We can't waste time, you need to go."

My heart raced with anxiety. I didn't want to leave him. I didn't want to be alone.

"Merloo, I'm scared," I whimpered. My vision started becoming foggy and stingy again.

"I know, I know," he assured me as he pulled me into another hug. "I am too. But... it's going to be okay, Shylo. Give me a month tops, and I'll find you. Everything will be alright. Just don't come back here. I'll come to you."

"But the mask," I cried. "You said the mask hides me. How will you find me?"

"We're connected. You and me, Shylo. We built that green place, remember? I'll find you," he said. "So don't take it off. Ever. Not until I give you the okay, alright?"

I used the back of my hand to wipe my eyes and shakily nodded.

"Alright," I whispered, my voice breaking.

"Alright," he repeated. Water was dripping from his eyes too. 

Never before had I seen him look so afraid and broken. He was still strong, though. Merloo was always strong. 

I slowly turned away and placed the mask over my face. I didn't like the feeling. It covered parts of my vision and felt cold. But I could wear it. I could do this. 

I took a deep breath, then ran. Ran as fast and far as I could. 

"This isn't forever," I told myself. "I'll be back, and everything will be okay."

I could almost feel El's spriting running beside me. The thought of him there made me feel less afraid, less alone.

I was going to be okay.