He's right here. Standing right here in front of me. His eyes are red from obvious crying and I want nothing more than to cradle him in my arms but I don't, I give him the time he wants to do and say whatever.

I study his eyes as they flick over my face, his lips part but nothing comes out. He closes his mouth and then does it again. After a few moments he lowers his head, words failing him right now.

But then he inhales a breath and flicks his gaze back to mine.

"Did you do all of this?"

"Ummm..." I begin to scratch the back of my head and glance around at the dispersing crowd. I don't want to take all the credit for the amazing performers today and everyone that helped out to make this possible. "Yeah, it was my idea."

Alex's eyes begin to glitter with tears against the beaming sunlight. He's about to cry again but before the tears fall he steps forward and wraps his arms around my neck, pulling my body into his. My head rests against his shoulder and I wrap my arms around his lower back, inhaling deeply.

My eyes flutter shut at this moment. This moment I've craved for weeks.

Just to hold him. To have him like this again.

I can hear his heart go crazy in his chest, no doubt mine is the same.

"Thank you," he whispers into my ear.

My grip on him increases and I let out a little breath that I've been holding. I never want to leave his arms and yet I still don't know where our future lies. I hope he has it in him to forgive me for not being truthful, one of the most important things that is needed in a relationship.

After a few moments Alex pulls away and wipes his eyes. "Could we go somewhere to talk?" He asks and my blood rushes around my body.

I take down a breath and throw my thumb over my shoulder. "I need to help pack everything away first, I can't really just leave."

"Let me help," he says.

"You don't need to do that."

"I insist," his head begins to shake. "Let me just go say goodbye to my dad first."

I nod once. "Alright."

Alex stares at me for a moment more before turning and walking towards his father who has already been watching us. I turn back to the small stage and help unplug the cables and dismantle the stage.

"Who's that?" Lacey asks as she joins me by the stage.

"Alex," I glance up at her. "Liam's brother."

Her eyes widen. "Oh, he came. That's so wonderful. Did he enjoy the performance?"

I smile back at her and nod. "Yeah, I think so."

Soon Alex comes back over to my side and Lacey smiles at him. "Hey, I'm River's manager, Lacey."

"Hi, I'm Alex. Thanks for putting this together. It's been really special."

Lacey's mouth relaxes into a soft smile. "I'm glad you liked it, Alex. I'm so sorry for your loss."

He nods slowly. "Thank you."

Alex helps us load the equipment into a white van and we say goodbye to everyone who helped make this possible today. I beckon my head towards the common where there is a viewpoint of the city.

"Shall we take a walk?" I ask.

He hums and we walk next to each other for a little while. I watch him as he glances up at the beaming sun, not once has it gone behind the clouds today, then he smiles.

"Days like this, when the sunshines nonstop. I always think it's Liam looking down on me, especially on the performance today. He would have loved it, might have made his head ten times bigger but he would have loved every second of it." He admits, folding his arms over his chest.

My lips curl at his words, I've missed that voice. "He was definitely here in spirit today."

Alex smiles at the sky again and nods. We find ourselves approaching the viewpoint where we perch on the vacant bench, there is a fair few inches of space between us but I'm glad to be with him here.

The gentle breeze whizzes past us and I glance at the view of the buildings in the city and then back to Alex. He's glancing down at his lap, his fingers tugging at one another gently. I keep quiet because I don't know if there is much else for me to say than I already have, he wanted to talk so I'll let him talk.

"I'm sorry," he blurts suddenly and I frown with confusion.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." My head shakes towards him.

He finally glances up at me with those grey eyes that look so sad and distraught. "I'm sorry for being nasty to you at the cafe, I'm sorry for not texting you back, I'm sorry that I didn't give you a proper chance to explain."

I bite the inside of my lip for a second. "You had every right to feel how you felt, Alex. I was the one who lied, who fucked up. I'm the one who should be saying sorry."

"You already have," he breathes out slowly. "Plenty of times."

My mouth closes as Alex stares back at me, not just staring looking–really looking behind my eyes, my soul. "I was so hurt, I was self-destructing. I guess my mental health hasn't been good for a while, being with you made things better and easier but that didn't take away from what I've been feeling since Liam's death. What I've been trying to ignore."

I glance at his trembling fingers and I resist the urge to cup them but I allow him to speak first.

"I was covering how I felt with our time, pushing away what was really going on in the back of my head. Yes, you made me so happy but I was still grieving, I'm still grieving now and I don't think I'm ever feeling one hundred percent myself..." he trails off, eyes drooping with sorrow. "I don't know if I'll ever feel one hundred percent again."

His eyes begin to line with tears and I don't want to see him get upset again, it destroys every part of my soul.

"So when I blew up at you in the cafe, it was because I felt like I had lost everything when you had given me this entire world and it just hurt so much that I ran." A single tear rolls down his cheek. "And it wasn't fair on you, I know you were trying to protect me but at the time it felt more than that, like everyone knew a secret I didn't and you were all talking about it behind my back."

Alex sniffles and glances towards the city. "I know I need to seriously work on myself, work on my demons, work through my grief. I'm sorry for hurting you. I've just been struggling more than I realise and I wish I figured it out sooner because I was ready to explode and I don't want to feel like that ever again."

My heart crumbles in my chest and I tell myself not to cry, to be strong for him.

Then he looks back at me with those glossy eyes that are so open and raw. "You are the best thing that has ever happened to me."

A ball forms in my throat at his gentle words. "You're the best thing that has ever happened to me too, Alex."

"I didn't mean what I said when I said this was a mistake." He says quickly, the guilt clouding his eyes.

"I know you didn't."

He clears his throat in an attempt to hide his sob but the tears keep rolling and I'm finding it hard just sitting here doing nothing. My fingers itching to comfort him but I still don't know where we stand.

"What I meant was I made a mistake by putting all my happiness into you, into our relationship," he says after a few moments. "I relied on it more than anything, hoping it would solve all my problems and I realise it can't because I need to figure out my shit, figure out how to be happy without relying on a relationship."

A sledgehammer has been taken to my chest because I know where this conversation is going.

"I'm sorry," he says again, shaking his head.

"Stop saying you're sorry."

He glances up at the sky again, into that beam of light. "I don't know what to do from here."

"I get that you don't want to be with me," I say heavily, the words feeling like stinging nettles on my tongue.

Alex's head snaps towards me in an instant. "I do want to be with you. I want to be with you more than anything."

"But you want to be happy."

"You make me happy, River. I somehow need to make myself happy too."

"So are we breaking up again?"

"No," Alex moves closer, his voice sounding strangled and desperate. "No. I don't want that. I want to be with you, River. I'm just saying that things might take some time, I need proper grief counselling and I need to figure out how to love myself, how to move on."

"And you know I'd support you no matter what."

His expression softens into a smile and he nods eagerly. "I know. So that's why I'm saying, you don't have to go through that shit with me. I don't want to bring you down with me if I'm having a tough time or a bad day–"

I lean over and grip his face between my hands. "If you think for one second I'm going to let you go through all of this alone then you really need to get a reality check. I want to be with you, Alex. Through the good days, through the bad days. I want to be there with you through all of it."

"It's going to take time."

My head nods slowly. "Yes, it will. But I want to do it with you, see you through this part of your life because being with you, it makes all the shit days in my life worth it. I know we were meant to meet for a reason, that reason being we're meant to be together."

Alex nods, tears rolling down his cheeks again and again.

"I pretty much went through all my bad mental health days when I was younger, alone, struggling and isolated. I would never let you go through that alone. Never."

"I'm sorry I couldn't have been there for you." His lip trembles.

My heart jumps at his words. "But if you could have been, you would." I say gently. "Although I pushed everyone around me away, I took their kindness for granted. So I understand your reaction, Alex. It's not easy to accept when you've hit rock bottom, I continuously made things worse and now I realise that I needed to accept the help, not turn on those who tried to get me better."

Alex nods and closes his eyes. "I don't like myself when I'm sad and depressed," he whispers. "It makes me into this person that I don't recognise, like I want others to feel my pain too and that's wrong–so wrong."

"No one is perfect, Alex," I say gently. "But these lessons help us learn how to make changes next time we feel a certain way. And sometimes we need to get out of our heads and out of the situation to see what damage we've truly caused, because in that moment everything is clouded."

He nods again in agreement. "That's exactly how I felt," his eyes glitter with tears. "Like I'm trapped in this bubble and I'm fighting to get out and I'll do anything to achieve it. I just want to be better, I want to get better. Because I know this isn't me and I don't want to keep hurting people."

I flick my thumb across his cheekbone slowly. "I know it isn't you either," I whisper. "But registering it, it's the bravest thing you can do."

"I'm sorry it took me so long to come around."

I let out a slow sigh. "If you say you're sorry one more time, I'm going to kiss you."

"I'm so–"

Without hesitation I lean forward and press my lips to his, softly. I cup the back of his head with one hand and angle his jaw with the other. Alex's hands wrap around my wrists as I kiss him slowly, so slowly that I can feel everything.

Our lips twist gently and I take my time remembering the taste of him.

After a few moments we pull away but remain close, lips grazing as we stare into one another's eyes. I smile at him and he smiles back, our lips meeting in another kiss that has my skin raising in goosebumps.

"I missed this," I admit, resting my forehead against his. "I missed you."

"Me too," he nods in agreement. "So much. I hate myself for putting us through this pain, I could have put everything right sooner but I just couldn't come to terms with my sadness, it was controlling me and I despise myself for it."

I shrug it off gently. "You took your time and I was going to respect that, as long as you needed."

Alex pulls out of my grip and analyses my face. "Have you been okay?"

For once I find myself stalling but then I nod slowly. "Coping but this project distracted me, it was a good thing to get everything off my mind. Keep me occupied. At first yes, I wasn't great because knowing I hurt you destroyed me but I prayed that time would heal things."

He hums quietly in response and I know he wants to apologise again but he doesn't. "The performance was amazing, I can't believe you did all this. It was so good."

"I'm glad you loved it," I exhale with a smile.

And with that Alex buries his head into my neck and we embrace each other until the sun goes down.

❖ ❖ ❖

Read the rest of this book over on Patreon!

You also have access to Luca's book (completed) and the first two chapters of the third book in the series!

www.patreon.com/dreammcatcher
Link is also in bio!

Author's Note

Alex voicing all of his thoughts has me feeling some type of way. Depression really can mask all feelings, thoughts and interactions with people. I'm so proud of him for voicing it and accepting that he truly needs help and he needs to find happiness within himself.

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River is so understanding but because he's been in a dark place before, the fact he refuses to let Alex go through it by himself. Ugh. He's the perfect boyfriend.😭🥰

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