It's been two weeks since they made arrests for Liam's murder. I can barely count the days because I have no idea what I'm really doing. I wake up, I go to work, I come home. Repeat. It's mind numbing–in a good way. It keeps me distracted so I don't think of Liam, of the three people arrested, of River.

River. My heart clenches in my chest and I shut my eyes.

Not again. I've gone thirty minutes without thinking about him and now I'm back to square one. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I'm defeated. I wish things could go back to normal, I wish Liam was still here, I wish River didn't lie.

I try to focus on making the dishes in front of me. I've fucked up too many times this week and I know William is watching me but I don't want to be sat at home. I need to be doing something to keep me sane or I'll lose it.

At six o'clock William says I can leave a little early. I burnt my hand on the fryer and had to get someone to patch up the burn and disinfect it. It's definitely not been my best day but it's certainly not been my worst. Somewhere in the middle. Always shit.

My dad invited me down this weekend and I agreed because I have literally nothing better to do. I've been trying to avoid River because I know seeing him will make everything ten times harder but he hasn't knocked on my door or messaged me, he's actually left me alone and I hate that my heart sinks–even though that's what I asked for.

I can't even think straight. My mind feels like a London motorway. No one knows what the fuck is going on and quite frankly, it's dangerous as hell.

When I greet my father later that evening, I'm beyond relieved to be in the company of someone else. Natasha greets me and we speak about our days. I try to smile but I can't. I'm pretty much dead inside.

My dad makes us all a late dinner and we sit around the kitchen table and eat. Natasha speaks to my dad but I focus on my plate because I don't know if I can speak right now, my brain feels like mush and I need a good night's sleep more than anything.

Natasha cleans the table away when we're finished, leaving me and my dad alone for a few moments. He grips my wrist gently and I glance up at him through my heavy eyes. "So, I need to talk to you, Alex. I found out some information today and it changes a lot of things."

I blink rapidly even though my eyes feel as sore as hell but I want to listen. My dad is the point of call for everything for the investigation and court build up and we both want these people to go down for what they did.

"Changes what?"

He leans forward and I watch him carefully. "I've been in contact with the investigator of the case," he pauses and I remain still. "The accusations of Liam sleeping with women in relationships, trying to destroy families. Well they believe that it was a rumour that got out of hand."

"What?" I shoot forward in my chair, pressing my palms flat to the table.

"They said they were trying to get more information out of the suspects, anything to help build the case in our favour. One of them cracked and said that Liam accidentally slept with a woman who had a boyfriend and the girl who he slept with, she liked Liam and the boyfriend took it to heart." He explains gently. "Couldn't deal with the jealousy."

My mouth turns bone dry and I reach for my cup of water before I start choking painfully.  "Now they think the boyfriend wanted revenge, got others to start making up similar stories so that he had some leverage to the act. I don't think they ever intended to try and kill him... they just wanted to scare him, knock him off the road. It didn't end the way they wished."

A part of me is relieved but another part is absolutely furious with everything that has happened. Finally now people might not see him as a man who had disgusting morals and instead was framed for something he didn't even do. But why did it have to come to this?

Tears are rolling down my face. "So–so," I sniffle. "Liam is dead because he slept with someone who had a boyfriend and he didn't know. Because he was jealous of Liam. Because he tried to cover his tracks by making a fake story to make it seem acceptable? What the fuck?!"

"Alex," my father places a hand on my shoulder. "Take a breath."

"No," I choke. "No."

I can barely see through my blurry vision of endless tears. "Why? Why would they do that? He didn't do anything wrong and now he's gone forever and I can–"

My dad wraps his arms around me and hugs me into his side as I sob, wetness now coating his t-shirt. I feel his hand rub down my back in slow smooth motions but it doesn't make anything feel better because Liam is never coming back.

And I doubted him. I thought he could do something like this. But now it's all been a rumour. Deep down I knew it wasn't true. Liam is the angel of this lifetime, always has been. Dedicated to helping, not destroying peoples lives.

I know that when he's so passionate about something he can become overbearing but it comes from a good place, a place of care and attention. He's always wanted what was best for others and he did amazing things for that town. Even hearing it from William made shitty days a little better.

My father begins to pull away and he wipes my face free from tears, his expression crumbling when he sees the state of me. "Liam will get his justice. I will not rest until they've gone away for what they've done, the lies they've spun. It's going to be a tough few months but soon it'll be over. I promise."

"Why is this so hard?"

"It was never going to be easy."

I glance over my father's expression. "Why am I the one always crying? How are you so calm about all of this? Do you ever get upset?"

"Of course I do," he nods with pain behind his eyes. "But I have to be strong for you, I have to be strong for all of us because I can't lose you too. You're all I've got left."

I sniffle again. "You have Natasha."

He shakes his head. "That's different. I mean blood. You're my only blood and I will protect you, I will be there for you because I love you and I can't lose another son. I can't."

My hand holds onto his shirt tighter. "I miss him."

"I miss him too, Alex," he agrees, voice cracking slightly. "Talking about him, about this is hard. I'm sorry if it ever seems like I don't want to talk about him, pushing away the subject but it just becomes unbearable sometimes that I can't even breathe. I know I'll break down if I do, I don't want you to see me cry."

"I know," I nod. "I feel the same but I want to talk about him to tell myself that he existed, that he was amazing, that he helped me through so much when I felt like I had nothing. But you shouldn't have to hide your emotions for me, we can be strong together even if we're crying."

My dad presses his forehead into my shoulder. "I'm sorry, I'll try to be better. I want to talk about him, it just hurts so much."

I'm crying pathetically again and I watch as my father's eyes line with water this time. "Thank you," I murmur. "Thank you for always being there for me."

This time I'm brought into another hug but he kisses my temple and I grip onto his shoulders because I'm about to fall off this chair from feeling numb and exhausted.

"What's been going on with you?" He asks genuinely.

I shrug. "Been working. Nothing interesting."

My gaze lowers to the floor and my dad dips his head to catch my eyes. "Have you seen River?"

"I saw him at the cafe," I purse my lips and nod. "But I told him I don't think I can do this."

"Why?"

I close my eyes and exhale a tight breath. "Because I'm a mess, dad. I'm a fucking mess and I know I've relied on him for my stability, for my happiness and I don't know if I can keep doing that because if I lose him, I'll be shattered to pieces."

"Son," he grips my hand. "That's life. Love and loss. That is life. You will lose people in this lifetime but you will gain new people too. You can't push him away because he made you happy. Think about what you're saying."

My teeth bite down on my bottom lip and I tell myself to stop crying. "I found him when I was grieving, when I didn't know how to find my feet and he did that, he helped me."

"Because you realised you both care about each other..." he says carefully. "You love each other."

I can feel my heart twinge inside my chest at his words. River told me he loved me.

It's no news that I love him too. That's what makes this hurt so fucking bad.

"Then what should I do?"

"Talk to him, Alex," he exhales desperately. "You know he didn't mean to be malicious, he didn't do it because he wanted to lie to you. That message he sent you when you came over a few weeks ago, he sent you that because he's devastated and he wants to know that you're okay."

My hand presses to my face and I wipe away the dampness of my cheeks.

"I'm scared," I admit.

"We're all scared," he says gently, offering me a small smile. "But we have to take these chances because they might be the best thing that we could possibly do in our lives. I know for a fact that River would never do anything like this to you again, you could see how remorseful he was from that text."

I suck down a breath and clear my throat. "I miss him."

My dad's lip droops to the side. "Then go talk to him, Alex. Life's too short as it is, we don't know when our last day on this earth is. Never take anything for granted, I think River has certainly learnt that too."

After a few moments I head straight to bed because my eyes can't stay open for a second longer. I check my phone before I sleep to find texts from Luca and Demi, both checking in, asking how I am and if I want to meet up.

I can feel my heart pulsate quickly and then slow at the messages. A part of me knows that they do truly care, despite the fact Demi might have known before. They all made such an effort to make sure that I fit in, that I felt welcome and I will always be truly grateful for it.

My finger hovers over River's name and I read the last message he left me again. I'm too tired to even produce tears but it makes me feel a thousand different things at once and I want to tell him I miss him. I almost do but I stop myself.

I have to get everything together the next coming week because I can't let my life begin to deteriorate. Not when everything feels like it's against me. I am the one who can make things better, I must stop wallowing before I end up in that depressive spiral without even knowing where I'm heading.

I refuse to get that bad again.

I refuse.

❖ ❖ ❖

Read the rest of the book, bonus chapters and the first 46 chapters of Luca's book!

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Author's Note

Ahhhhhh. What happened with Liam has been a lie all along😖😖😖

Ugh. I couldn't imagine how awful it must feel to know that someone's death could have been prevented/wasn't intended in the first place.

Alex really needs to start focusing on what's really going on around him and not what that little voice in his head says. He's in a bad place and seeing him like this hurts because it's an ongoing battle in which he needs professional help🥺

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