He's right here. Right in front of me. And all I can do is stare at him, his name falling from my lips in a pathetic murmur.

The first thing I notice is his eyes, they're heavy and have lost that natural sparkle it usually has. Then his clothes that are severely casual and mismatched, he never dresses like this–ever. It forces my stomach to twist painfully because I know I have caused this. I am the one that has made him like this.

Alex falters for a second and then Luca steps to his side.

My eyes flick to his for a moment of time, anger bubbling inside me at the thought of them getting closer–becoming closer. But then I remember, Alex doesn't have any other people in this town and knowing he's spending time with Luca means that he hasn't been alone.

I can feel the pressure between my brows begin to build until I'm internally wincing.

Alex looks over his shoulder and murmurs, "I'll see you later, Luca."

"Text me if you need anything."

He nods slowly and then turns back to face me, inhaling deeply before walking towards the door but keeping his eyes away from my own. "Alex," I murmur as he walks beside me, gripping onto the handle. "Please, just talk to me."

Alex's eyes focus on the ground as he steps out on the pavement and I follow quickly after him, fearful of him falling through my fingers without being able to resolve anything. I haven't seen him all week and I've been going crazy not knowing that he's okay, not knowing where he is.

Maybe I lost my right to know those things when I betrayed his trust but that doesn't mean I haven't stopped caring about him, I'll never stop caring about him.

"Alex," I plead desperately as he begins to walk away. I don't want to try and restrain him with my hand but my desperation is getting the better of me, so I reach out to grip his wrist gently and stop him from walking. "I just want to talk.
Please. I want to know if you're okay?"

He whips his head towards me faster than I can blink. "You want to know if I'm okay?" He exhales with focused eyes, eyes that have given up any sort of emotion. "You think that I'm okay after everything? After what I found out about the investigation? You really think that I'm okay?"

My eyes prick with tears because seeing him hurt is breaking me to pieces. "Alex," I swallow harshly.

Alex shakes his head and scoffs, eyes averting again. "Please don't, River. I'm tired and I can't do this right now."

Someone might as well have speared my heart in two because I can't breathe, I can't do anything but step forward as he backs away once more. "I'm sorry," I whisper, a tear rolling down my head. "I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

His eyes close in defeat at my pathetic begging but I don't know what else to do.

I am beyond desperate now. I am fucking frantic without him.

"Stop," he grumbles and then turns away.

"Do you want me to beg?"

Alex's legs stop taking steps. His back is to me but I can see how heavily he begins to breathe through his dark hoodie that I've never seen before in my life.

Tears won't stop. I never knew a heartbreak could make you feel so empty. So nothing.
"Do you want me to get on my knees and beg for your forgiveness because I will?"

I watch his shoulders begin to shake as he turns around to face me again. This time I'm the one that is on the verge of hyperventilating, this situation is slipping from me far quicker than I intended it to and I don't know what will happen if he walks away.

His grey eyes flick between mine rapidly.
Before I know what I'm doing I kneel down onto the hard pavement, one knee on the cold ground. Alex rushes towards me and tugs up my arm and curses under his breath, the first time he's even touched me in a week. I've missed that touch.

"Stop," he says harshly. "Stop. Please just stop."

"Alex–"

His jaw tenses and I can see the glimmer of pain flash through his eyes. What am I doing to this boy? I can never do anything right. I'll never be able to make this right.

"You want to talk?" He snaps and I recoil from his tone. "Then answer my questions."

I swallow harshly and nod back at him, my eyes floating down to his hand that is bunched at his side. I want nothing more than to graze my hand over his and feel the warmth of his hand in mine.

"You asked me to be your boyfriend when you knew all this information about Liam. Did you do it to try and trap me? Make your conscience less guilty because you thought that I would have been more fond of you by this point?"

My eyebrows press together at his questions. "I asked you to be my boyfriend because you're it for me, Alex. Because I don't see myself spending the rest of my life with anyone else but you. Not because I wanted to trap you but because without you, my life is nothing."

Alex sniffles and then folds his arms across his chest. "Then why lie? I asked you if you heard anything at your work, people talking about it and you straight up lied to me. I didn't want to find out from William, I wanted to find out from you. I trusted you. I trusted you'd be honest with me, despite the situation."

I run a hand down my face and then brush away my rogue tears. "Because I thought I was protecting you. Stupidly, I thought keeping it to myself would do more good than bad and I was wrong. I shouldn't have kept it from you but knowing I'd be the one to tell you, to see your heartbreak. It was too much for me because you mean everything and I wanted to be the last person to upset you. Which was wrong, it was so wrong and if I could go back and change it, I would."

I'm out of breath by the time I finish speaking because the tightness in my chest has become unbearable and I don't want him to walk away, I don't want him to continue ignoring me.
Alex glances at the quiet road and then back to Chessman's. His hands tighten over his chest, twisting against the fabric on his arms. "I can't gage any thoughts right now. My head is spinning."

"Alex, please–"

His head shakes and I'm back to full blown panic inside my mind. "This was a mistake, all of this was a mistake."

Blood and panic roars in my ears. I'm seconds away from vomiting everywhere.

A mistake? This was a mistake?

"You don't mean that," I heave, tears appearing again. "You don—"

"I do." Alex straightens his spine and stares me directly in the eye with a new found bravery. "If you cared about me the way I thought you cared about me, you would have told me the second you found out. A relationship is about being honest, not purposely withholding the truth. It hurt so much, River."

This doesn't feel real. This feels like a fucking nightmare that won't end.

It'll never end.

"I was conflicted," I gasp, wiping away my miserable tears.

"Conflicted or not, you should have been the one to tell me. But now you've made this a lot easier because it gives me a reason to move on from this. I fell head first into our relationship because I was desperate and needed someone there but now I know I need to find happiness myself. I'm not stable enough."

Alex's voice becomes more stable with every sentence he speaks and that frightens me to my core. He doesn't need me anymore. He doesn't want me in his life anymore.

He doesn't want me in his life.

"Alex, please don't do this. If you need time I'll give you time."

"I have to do this," he finally drops his arms from his chest and raises his chin. "I have to. I'm sorry."

Alex finally tears his eyes away from mine and sucks down a deep breath, he walks towards our apartment building and I choose not to follow him. If there is even a sliver of chance of us being together in the future, I need to respect his boundaries right now.

Not push him when he needs time to digest what's happened between us.

I don't know how long I stand on the side of the pavement for but it's a long, long time. Until Alex's frame is out of my eyesight and I can no longer see him. I don't even notice it's raining, despite all my clothes being soaked through until the coffee shop opens and a hand grabs my arm.

"Come inside, River," Luca's voice hisses over the loudness of the rain. "You're soaking wet."
I don't protest as he drags me inside, the bell ringing again above us as the door shuts.

"Everything's fucked." I mumble under my breath, staring at the floor.

Luca stands directly in front of me but I don't meet his eyes. "Give him some time and some credit, Riv. He's gone through a lot and everything is becoming too much for him right now. He's still grieving his brother and finding out about all the arrests. He's overwhelmed by everything."

My eyes clench together painfully. "I know but I miss him. I miss him so much."

I can hear Luca exhale a long sigh before he wraps his arms around me, tugging me into his body. "Keep strong, River. Please. You have me, you have Demi, you have Troy. Fuck Mason. But you have us, okay? I know I was angry at the start but I care about both of you."

When we pull away from each other I glance into Luca's blue eyes and he's frowning back at me. "What do I do if he never forgives me?"

Luca breathes out through his nose gently. "Then you'll have to let him go."

"Fuck," I rasp quietly. My eyes sting from how sore they are.

I want to wake up and someone tell me that this is all a horrific dream. That this heartbreak won't last forever because if it does, it might just destroy me first.

"I want him happy but I don't know if I can be truly happy without him."

Luca's hand remains on my shoulder for gentle support. "Relying on others for happiness isn't always healthy."

"I was happy before Alex," I say truthfully. "But he came into my life and made everything amazing, beyond amazing. It was fucking magical. How am I meant to continue my life without his presence when he made it a thousand times better?"

"Hey," Luca's voice dips. "Remain positive, please. I don't like it when you speak like this. Like you're willing to give up if things don't work out between you."

My lip trembles subtly but Luca notices. "Part of me feels like I can't go on if I can't even get his forgiveness. I can't live with myself for what I've done."

"River," Luca warns me gently and I squeeze my eyes together again.

"Don't worry," I shake my head slowly. "I'm not going to do what you think I'm going to do."

Luca's face is anything but calm right now and that's the last I want for my friends. "I'm always here if you want to talk. Despite what happened. We're still friends and I care about you. I never want you to suffer alone. But give it time. Alex isn't thinking rationally right now and given the circumstances I think it's going to take a while for him to come around and realise what he's throwing away. I know you guys are meant to be together, what you have is special. Something I've dreamt of having with someone else."

"Thanks, Luca."

He gives my shoulder a squeeze. "Always here, no matter what."

And now I know time is the only thing that is going to be on my side.

❖ ❖ ❖

Read the rest of the book, bonus chapters and the first 44 chapters of Luca's book!

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Author's Note

My goodness, Alex sure is self destructing and it's painful to see. Mental health isn't pretty or easy but the harsh reality😖😖😖

Seeing River like this shatters my soul but I'm glad Luca was there for him, saying it how it is but being comforting at the same time🩵

Guys, you have no idea how excited I am to share Luca's story. I'm absolutely loving writing it, makes me so damn giddy🥰

Thank you for reading and supporting me!

Love Savanna x

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