When I go to work the next day I feel guilty about how blunt I was with Alex last night. It wasn't fair for me to act like that when I saw how Luca was with him, it wasn't his fault and I decided to be an ass.

I wish I was confident enough to come out and say that I like Alex to my friends but part of me wants to wait until I feel more comfortable with it. And seeing Luca flirt with Alex so openly in front of me, it made me feel like a sack of shit for not piping up and doing something about it.

Alex wasn't entertaining it by any means, he's the sort of person who smiles and goes along with things so the person doesn't feel like a total idiot. Luca still fancies him, that's obvious and until Alex is completely off the market, he won't stop.

But when Luca finds out we're seeing each other or attempting dating, he's going to be fucking heartbroken and I'm not sure if he's actually going to be able to look at me as a friend again. That is what I fear.

So holding it out for as long as possible might hurt my soul but it needs to be done. Not until we've figured stuff out between us and I feel I am ready in myself to come out with who I am, that I like Alex, that I possibly like men too.

I have to see him later and apologise.

Work goes by as usual. We sit in the office and make sure that we have tomorrow's project down and permanently imprinted into our minds, I glance at my colleagues who push away their laptops.

"So you'll never guess what I heard over the weekend." Lillian directs to the group. Everyone's attention turns to her in a second, eagerly awaiting what she has to say to all of us. It's not uncommon that gossip runs round this place like Chinese Whispers.

"What?" Someone says.

Lillian clears her throat. "Well I heard this from someone the other day, regarding Liam."

My head raises from the fist that it was resting on, my eyes fixating on Lillian but I attempt to look unbothered before they start pointing the finger or becoming suspicious about my interest.

"Remember when we heard that the case is now being turned into a murder case," she says in a hushed tone, glancing over her shoulder to make sure that the managers don't see us gossiping instead of working. Some of the group nod to encourage her to go on. "Well apparently Liam was sleeping around with multiple girls. He started seeing this girl who had a boyfriend, he didn't stop when he knew that she was in a relationship."

"Really?" I hear behind me in shock.

Lillian nods and presses her elbows to her knees. "It sounds like someone has had it out for him for a while. I mean apparently he was being totally grotesque about this girl, boasting about her to the boyfriend and stuff. Absolutely no respect."

I find myself frowning to the floor because that sounds nothing like what Alex told me about him. I know he's had his moments with people at the charity and amongst the community, but that was strictly work based. This is different.

"I mean I kinda already knew he was a player," George leans back in his chair behind me.

"How?" Lillian asks.

George shrugs simply. "Because he tried it on with my girlfriend. It was going around town for months that he had something for the chase of girls in relationships. Fucking weirdo."

Someone swats his chest and it startles me from my intense stare. "Have some respect. He's dead."

I clear my clammy throat and sit up in my seat. "So you think someone decided to get revenge on Liam because of how he was with his girlfriend?" I ask, trying my hardest to sound unenthusiastic about the matter.

"Don't know," Lillian slants her lips towards me. "But I think a fair few people had it out for him because he just had zero respect. People felt threatened. He didn't care, that's obvious. Maybe he wasn't as sweet and kind as we thought he was."

When someone asks her another question I begin to zone out. Alex has no idea about this side to him, he's always said that Liam is his role model. I doubt he looks up to a man who purposely gets with women in relationships to shove it in the boyfriends face.

I doubt he knows anything about this part of his life.

My stomach twists in knots at the thought of telling him. He probably won't believe me, he won't want to believe anything and I feel horrific for knowing this information. I have to tell him tonight. Without a doubt. I promised him I wouldn't keep anything from him and I don't plan on breaking my promise before we're even in a damn relationship.

I wouldn't want to sabotage something that hasn't even begun.

"How do you even know this, Lillian?" George pipes up.

"Because I know someone who is friends with the girlfriend," she folds her arms across her chest. "Apparently she was devastated about his death. Almost like they were in a relationship whilst she was cheating on her boyfriend with him."

I chew on my lip. I have to probe Alex with these questions later, let him down gently.

No part of me wants to upset him but I know he has the right to know.

George snorts at her response. "Finally the world is about to see him as anything but a saint. He fucked with people's relationships because he was bored and sick. Maybe he deserved it."

My eyes fly to George's. Everyone else in the group has the same reaction as me. Shock. Considering we've all met him, we've all worked with him. None of us were super close but you don't say someone deserved to die.

"That's a bit harsh, don't you think, G?"

George shrugs like it's nothing. "Maybe he should have thought of that before he decided to act like some buff stud."

When it's time to go home, I can't stop running through everything Lillian and George said today. I have felt nauseous ever since and now I know I have to face Alex, I have to put things right from yesterday.

I enter my apartment door and throw down my bag and my jacket, grabbing one of my jumpers instead. I shut the door behind me and head down to Alex's apartment, I have no idea if he'll be home but I have to see him.

My knuckles graze his door and I wait and I wait until Alex stands there with dripping wet hair and flush skin. He's in a simple t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms. "River," he says as he blinks. "Hi."

"Hi," I take him in. I always have to. He looks too good, even when he's not trying.

He pushes away his wet hair and I find myself focusing on those molten silver eyes.

"Are you okay?" He presses a hand to the edge of the door.

I nod. "Yeah." Always am when I'm with you. "I wanted to apologise for yesterday. For being blunt and rude. I'm sorry, Alex. It wasn't fair."

"Did I do something?" He asks cautiously.

"What?" My eyebrows dip. "No, of course not."

Alex bites down on his lip, it's obvious that he's anxious about this whole thing. No doubt he's been thinking about it non-stop today because I didn't give him a good reason as to why I was being an idiot yesterday.

"Can I come in?" I ask after a long moment.

He nods, pulling back the door and waiting for me to step inside. I walk into his apartment and Alex follows me to the sofa where I sit down, making myself comfortable because this place feels like a second home to me now. It seems Alex doesn't mind because he hovers above me, not surprised that I'm sitting down.

"Would you like something to drink?"

I shake my head. "No. Thank you."

Alex clears his throat and perches down beside me. "What happened yesterday?"

His voice is so soft and gentle that I want to reach out and caress the air. It's clear how much he cares for me, for my mental wellbeing and I'm grateful for having him in my life. Even if I don't deserve him.

"I guess I got a little angry at myself. How I sat there and did nothing when Luca openly flirted with you."

When his shoulders dip, I realise this is what he thought too. "So it was about Luca."

"It's about everything." I sigh and Alex shuffles closer, just a tad.

I glance down at the space between us, wishing it was practically non-existent. I wouldn't mind him in my arms or on my lips but I know we have to sort through this first, and everything I learnt today about his brother. Mood killer.

"Like what?" Alex tugs his legs into a crossed legged position.

"If you were with Luca, he would have no doubt in showing you off to the world." I clench my eyes together, hating my cowardice. "But I, on the other hand, I can't even bring myself to tell my friends that I like you, or that I'm into guys too."

When I open my eyes, Alex's face is twisted with confusion. "River, coming out isn't easy. I hope you know that. It isn't something you should beat yourself up about. It's a confusing time, especially for you. I presume you didn't know you liked guys until a couple of weeks ago."

"And I don't want you thinking that I'm too scared to admit my feelings for you to my friends."

Alex takes his hands in mine and offers me a smile, both corners flick up and I can't tear my eyes away from his face. "I don't care," he says thickly. "If it takes you months, years to come out. I don't care. You've barely had five minutes to process this. I've had most of my life."

I huff out a sigh and study our hands together. Alex brushes the pad of his thumb across the back of my hand and over my knuckles in slow, soothing motions. "I thought seeing Luca flirt made you uncomfortable. I'll try and not let it happen."

"Alex," I shake my head. "It's not your fault. At all. I wish I could give you more."

"And I'm perfectly happy with what you're giving me right now," he says with deep sincerity that it makes my chest relax a little. "River, being with you like this is enough for me. I don't need to parade around town holding your hand and holding you close to prove what we have together."

I have no idea what comes over me but I lean across the sofa and press a kiss to his forehead. Alex's lashes fluffer shut at the action. "Thank you for being so understanding."

The whisper caresses his skin and he glances up at me. "No need to thank me. We're over the thanking, remember?"

My eyes roll in his direction. "Alright, smartass."

"How was your day?"

I open my mouth only to remember the conversation I had before leaving, I quickly blink away the clear struck expression across my face. "Was okay," I nod slowly. "Getting there with the projects. Same old. What about you?"

Alex rests his hand on the back of the sofa, pressing his palm into his cheek. "Standard," he flashes me a half smile. "It's nice to work with William. He brought up Liam today and it always warms my heart."

Instead of warming mine, it pangs with guilt.

"What did he say?"

"Just about what he did for his son, how polite he always used to be."

I suck my bottom lip into my mouth, trying not to share how much I'm erupting inside at this conversation. "Did Liam ever have a girlfriend, or see anyone?" I find myself asking.

Alex pulls back slowly, inspecting me. "Not that I recall. Why?"

My head shakes a little too quickly for my liking but I cover it up with a smile. "No reason. I just don't really know much about him. I was thinking whether or not he was in a relationship or if he had someone close to him."

"Oh," his face slumps. "I don't think so. He used to tell me everything and if he had a girlfriend or if he was seeing anyone he would definitely have told me about it."

Someone might as well have crushed my heart into pieces because there is no way I can tell him that his brother lied to him. There is no fucking way I'm going to watch that face crumble into an expression of betrayal and sadness.

Of course everyone can have secrets but it will be more heartbreaking for him to know that he'll never know the truth because his brother is gone. If anything he might deny it but from what I heard, I believe Lillian and George. As much as I don't want to, I think that Liam kept a lot of his life secret despite being known by the whole town.

Something doesn't add up. It's not right in my head.

"Tell me more about him," I draw in his hand and pull his shoulder against mine.

He looks down to our arms that brush. "What do you want to know?"

"Was he supportive of you?"

"Always," Alex nods like he's a soldier in the military. "Even when I came out. Anyone that tried to bully me or belittle me, he was there making sure that people didn' cross me and allowed me to be who I wanted to be without the nasty words from others."

My eyes drop. He might have been a good person.

"How come you lived in London and he moved here?"

"Liam liked the idea of working in a small community. Think London was too chaotic for him and too many people to focus on. He wanted to be able to get to know the youth and help them achieve things where people actually cared about them," he says, twisting our hands to get a better grip.

I feel sick to my stomach. In Alex's head Liam is the best person to ever walk this Earth, yet I know dirty secrets that I'm keeping from him because I can't find it in me to upset this beautiful human. Inside and out.

"Did he ever get into trouble?"

Alex frowns so harshly that I'm convinced his brows are about to fall off his face. "Never. He was a golden child."

I nod and look at the wall. "Seems like you were both lucky to have each other."

"The luckiest."

As if on cue to change the subject, Alex's stomach growls. "You haven't eaten dinner?"

He shakes his head. "I was about to cook and then you knocked."

"Sorry."

His head whips in my direction and he smiles, eyes dropping down the curve of my jaw. "Don't apologise. I'd rather have your company over my amateur food."

My eyes almost pop out of my head. "Amateur?! I can't believe you're talking so low about yourself."

A chuckle passes his lips and it warms the air, sending those fireworks soaring through my chest again. "I guess that lasagna needs another go, huh?"

"I need it delivered to my door every week. That shit was delicious."

Alex's smile doesn't falter. He's like the sun and the stars combined. The perfect array of sunshine and darkness–but in the best way. Never did I think our relationship could escalate like this but I wouldn't change it for the world.

"What were you going to cook?" I ask.

"Nothing special," he shakes his head. "I got some chicken from the butchers and was going to marinade it and make some home made chips. You in?"

I want to kiss him so fucking hard right now.

"Yes, please." I nod eagerly. A little too eagerly but I don't care.

Alex laughs again and I want to close my eyes to devour the soft sound. "Alright, it's coming up. You wanna help cut up the potatoes?"

"I'll be your assistant," I stand from the sofa and follow him to the kitchen. "Boss me around. I like it like that."

He raises his hand to push my shoulder, looking at me through his dark lashes. "Stop flirting with me," he mutters. "Words don't get in my good books, actions do. So chop chop, let's go!"

I can't help but grin in his direction. I want to be in his kitchen all day–every day.

❖ ❖ ❖

Read the rest of the story and bonus chapters on Patreon. You can also read the first 15 chapters of Luca's book there too!

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Author's Note

Hello my loves, what did we think of this chapter?👉🏼👉🏼👉🏼

Uhhhh ohhh, gossip at River's work. What do we think of the new allegations on Liam?

I love how River admitted what's wrong and Alex is more than happy to have what they have, he doesn't need a song and dance he just needs River. BRB crying😭😭🥺🥺

Don't forget to vote if you enjoyed, it truly makes my day!⭐️

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