I grew up in a world of blank.
Blank faces, monotone voices, expressionless.

They expressed emotions through "hand signals". Hand signals where everything, they told you if someone was happy, sad, embarrassed or mad. If you did something you think would make a person happy, they would give you a flat "thanks" and give you a thumb up. The problem was, if they were being sarcastic, their index would twitch, or if they were trying to be nice, but didn't want to offend you, their thumb would quiver. I didn't get it at first, and confused many a friend when I would say your welcome, as is proper to return a sincere thank you.

Everyone used hand signs, and likewise, everyone expected that everyone else used and understood them. I got by with watching for the most obvious ones,  certain finger taps for certain emotions, thumbs up happy, index is mad, and pinky sad. Yet I didn't have good coordination, somehow, my index shook on accident with a thumb sign, or a thumb would automatically go up when a pinky was meant to be made. I was a confusion to others, and it made them want to stay away, or worse, an object of their jokes. My life was strange, and in some ways, isolated. As I practiced, my hand signs became better, but still choppy. That wasn't the worst part though.

Now that you know that thumbs up alone is sincere, but with a pinkie shake is disappointed, and if it's an index it is sarcasm, let's go back to the thank you situation.Sk you know that I know these basic signs, are looking for them, and the person I'm talking to has no idea I'm in the position of consciously looking for them. The moment happens, the person raises their thumb, but I see the pinkie slide a bit.

Did it actually shake? Was it just my imagination? Or if not, would they be hurt for me to have brushed it aside? Oh no! I was paying so close attention to the pinkie that I forgot about the index! What if it was actually sarcasm?! I stand there, my thumb creeping up unsurely, with my other hand behind my back, waving wildly in panic. The person notices the hand I'm trying to conceal, and given my broken signals, decides to go talk with someone else.

It was discovered that it was different, my mother, quite an expert in the art of signals, as everyone was, took me to specialists, people that knew not only signs well, but categorized and attempted to help those who seemed to have not caught on to the seemingly secret language.

They tested, they questioned, they lectured, they analyzed, and it confused me to no bounds.

"Pay attention to the whole hand, not specifics."

"Look directly at their index knuckles, it shows you're interested."

"Always put your thumbs up when you want to be friends with someone."

"Make sure to be concerned and use your pinkie if someone is sad."

And worst of all:

"Just show your feelings to others."

By high school, I was so mixed up with my hands, most times I'd just want to shove them in my pockets.

I isolated myself, choosing to eat lunch in the chemistry room at a desk, rather than join a group standing around laughing. It's not that I don't want to talk to others. It's the fact that I go over to a group and I don't understand what they mean.

My lab partner told me that his great-grandpa died. I sat next to him and kept looking over at him, squirming with no thought out action. Part of me wanted to say something, anything to help him feel better, but no, I just sat there, probably looking uninterested. Debates went on in my head on what to say, always ending with a thought along the lines of, "you'll just make it worse, every time you say something, your hands mess it up".

That was my mind, all the time. Fear of miscommunication haunted me. If you think about those Rock 'n Roll hand signs long enough, you always find the confusion of it. All main fingers are up, no one being dominant over the other. Except, the index (mad) is the tallest, and it will be remembered the most, and thumbs (happy) are so short and hard to remember at all.