Chapter Twenty
Mary vs. Alice
Alice

Blood.

Blood everywhere.

It's staining my flesh; covering my hands, my arms, it's in my hair, in my ears, in my mouth. I can taste the sickening iron in between my teeth. I only realize it's mine when I begin to cough up sticky black clots of blood.

I try to scream out, but there's so much blood in my throat that it makes it impossible to breathe let alone speak!

I'm clawing at my face, my body, my neck. Trying to find something, anything, I can do to just be able to get air into my dying lungs.

"Alice!"

Edward.

He's calling out for me, I would recognize that painfully beautiful voice anywhere. He sounds scared, panicked, and an overwhelming urge to cry out for his help takes over me. I know that if I can just make a sound, any sound, he'll come for me.

Or would he?

"Alice!"

"Alice?"

I'm suddenly brought back to the present by Edwards gentle hand on my back and his soothing voice in my ear. I had to take a moment to blink away my confusion, and so I ended up just staring into Edwards comforting honey colored eyes for a moment.

"What did you see?" He asked after our moment had passed, sounding like he had asked me that a million times.

"Blood." I answered immediately even though my head was screaming at me not to tell. His eyes widened in surprise or worry one. I couldn't tell.

"Who's blood?" Anthony asked, wide green eyes looking even wider.

I was watching Edward and Anthony as they played a game of chess before I had slipped into my vision. They had been laughing and talking and my heart had been so happy to see one of my few good visions come true. Anthony's laugh had warmed my heart beyond belief and Edward's meaningful glances at me were starting to give me hope that our future may change after all.

And then all I saw was blood.

"Don't worry about it baby." I smiled softly at my son, loving the way he relaxed when I spoke to him. "Everything is going to be fine." I promised him.

"I'm sure your mother is right." Edward nodded, smiling easily, though I know he's going to question me the instant we're alone.

We had a huge fight after I had madly stormed away from he and Tom

We were joined by everyone else then, and so I went and sat down on the couch. My legs were still shaking from my stressful vision and I needed to just sit and think.

"You seem to be doing much better Alice." Carlisle praised me. "Are you still having trouble distinguishing what year it is?" He asked.

"A little." I shrugged, not feeling very comfortable talking about this in front of everyone.

"When?" He asked gently, simply curious.

"When Edward looks at me like I'm the first rays of sunlight he's seen in years.." I blurted out, unable to stop myself, and after a statement like that I couldn't contain my thoughts any longer.

"Or when you look at me like I'm strong and capable of doing anything. Or when you let me speak my mind and treat me like an equal voice." I addressed Carlisle. "I have to remind myself that my plan to stop James worked a decade ago, not just yesterday. You aren't still picking apart my head to understand how I came up with such a plan." I ranted. "You aren't calling me brilliant anymore." I added, sighing deeply from the sudden pain in my chest.

"Or when Emmett jostles me around as if I'm still his little sister that he protects and loves with such a fierceness that it takes my breath away." I smiled brightly. "Or when Jasper looks at me as if he understands every single hardship and joy I've ever experienced in my life. I feel so completely understood that it makes me forget that he didn't just yell at me in the backyard to get my shit together because everyone was worried I was going to kill myself!" I laughed, though I noticed that tears had begun to stream down my face the second I started my speech.

"And Rosalie." I laughed, looking her directly in the eyes. "When I look at you, smiling at me as if I'm one of your favorite people, all I can think about is you glaring at me every second I'm in your presence. I remember how terrified I used to be to even speak when you were in the room. And honestly, I'm still nervous. I'm still expecting you to contradict me or snap at me or yell at Edward. I know I'm being delusional and all of that was years ago and you and I have become very close but I don't even know who I'm supposed to be!" I screamed, more at the universe than anyone in particular.

There was a long moment of silence. Who could blame the Cullen's though? What does one say to such delusional ranting.

"I'm supposed to be dead." I stated as fact. "That was my fate. To die out in the forest with no one ever finding me or ever really knowing what had happened to me. I was okay with that, I'm still okay with that, and I can't ignore that any longer. I can't keep acting like everything is fine because it's not." I sighed and sat back down. Edward stood and left the room quickly; typical.

Still, the room was silent. No one dared to speak and tension was bouncing around the room no matter how hard Jasper tried to calm things down.

Surprisingly, Edward re-entered the living room shortly carrying a large box.

"Son, I don't think that's a good idea-"

"She needs to understand." Edward cut Carlisle off; shaking his head. "She needs to see, it's not enough to tell her." He stated while slipping a CD into the player.

"Ed-"

"Just watch." He sighed and took the seat beside me.

A girl was laughing beautifully, her laugh was so infectious a few of the Cullen's actually laughed with her.

"Edward!" She laughed and suddenly the camera turned to focus on her.

She was tiny with short black curls that stuck up in all directions. Her thin frame and pale skin contrasted her dark hair and pale golden eyes. She was beautiful in her own right, just like the Cullen girls, but she held more grace in her actions then any vampire I've ever met. Even as she struggled to decorate a Christmas tree ten times her size; she still seemed so poised and graceful.

"I never thought you could be such a good decorator." I recognized Edwards voice laughing with the girl. "Alice, you really should be careful up on that ladder."

Alice.

That girl is me?

I was suddenly studying and analyzing her face and every slight movement she made. I guess I was trying to find a piece of myself in her. She was a complete stranger and yet I knew I had spent the past decade of my life as her.

I desperately wanted to see that we were the same person, just different looks, but I couldn't find anything in common with her. She was bubbly and personable as she smiled and laughed with Edward and the rest of Cullen's. She was putting on her own show and the way she carried herself told me she had a big influence in the family.

"That's supposed to be me?" I asked the room, though it was mostly directed towards Edward.

"That, is Alice Cullen." Edward nodded. "You're Mary Alice. Right?" He asked.

I nodded, not knowing what to say to him. I was actually touched that he respected and understood that I feel like two different people right now.

He flipped to a different video then and sighed deeply when he recognized what it was.

The camera was set up so that it captured Edward, playing the piano, as Alice danced a ballet routine so gracefully that I actually teared up. I recognized the song as one of the melodies Edward had composed for me when he was trying to persuade me into marriage. He had changed it however, it was much darker than the original version. As Alice danced, I couldn't help but wonder what story they were trying to tell together. It felt overly private, like I was intruding on some spiritual moment between this star-crossed couple.

"Do you remember the song?" Edward asked me quietly, though the entire room heard him easily.

"Of course." I nodded, still spellbound. "Though it's a few chords lower. Why?" I asked.

"Because it felt wrong to play it the way it was." He answered. "Mostly because you weren't the way you were." He added, surprising me by his sincerity. "It felt like I was disrespecting your memory by playing such a happy song. I had to lower it to honor your loss; even if I didn't understand exactly how much you had given up at the time." He explained.

"I'm picking the next one." Esme stated and quickly switched DVD's.

I actually laughed at Alice's stunned expression as she stood in a wedding dress at the end of the aisle. Edward even laughed with me. It was just so funny to see her so surprised, I know I don't get surprised often, so she must not get surprised easily as well.

Carlisle asked her something and after a split moment she nodded her head eagerly and started walking towards Edward. I started crying the instant Carlisle kissed my cheek and handed me over to Edward and didn't stop for the rest of the video. Edward's vows blew me away with their ringing sincerity. His analogy of drowning before he met me touched me deeply, because while Alice didn't know what drowning felt like, I did. And my vows from a decade earlier nearly broke my heart. That had been the second to last letter I had ever written for him.

What really touched me so deeply was the undeniable love they had for one another. You could see it written on both of their faces. They just wanted to be together, that's all, that was enough for them. To be together was already more than they had ever asked for. They had fought for their love and triumphed over their miseries in a way no one else would or could ever understand.

"Alice? Alice, it's alright." Edward soothed me, rubbing my back gently, and I realized that I had broken down completely. I was sobbing uncontrollably and had wrapped my arms around myself tightly in my grief.

I felt like I was mourning someone I loved deeply. I had lost a true friend, a sister even, when in reality I had lost something far worse.

I had lost myself.

For the second time in my existence I've lost everything that belonged to me. I've lost my home, my family, every memory, ...Edward. That's why I'm so messed up. I'm scrambling to get the pieces of my life back in order. The first time I had memory loss I was a new vampire with premonitions. I was blissfully unaware of what I had lost. Now, I know all too well exactly what's been taken from me.

The life I was supposed to have.

Alice Cullen, the smiling vampire girl with no memory of ever being sad. She is strong and confident; even if she's barely five feet tall. She loves those close to her so much that it annoys the people in her life, that much is obvious in the tapes. But, in return, she is loved and cherished beyond belief. The Cullen's don't know what they would do without her; because they've already lost her once and know how awful it was to feel her missing presence.

Alice is worshiped by Edward. While she is ecstatic; he is miserable with regret and guilt. She lives without any memory of her tragic past while he has to suffer with a perfect recollection of its events. The beatings, the blood, the memory loss, her face when he left her; all of that is forever engraved into his head.

Edward must have been so conflicted, and here I am acting as if he was in newlywed bliss the entire time.

"Alice, love, everything will be okay." Edward tried his hardest to soothe me again. I vaguely heard Carlisle say he was going to have to sedate me if I didn't calm down soon.

I tuned him out however; instead opting to throw my arms tightly around Edward's neck and cling to him.

"I'm so sorry." I cried and he wrapped his arms around me in return, I was calming down some now that I was securely in his embrace.

"Shh." He silenced me. "You have no reason to be sorry." He cooed.

"You were miserable, weren't you?" I stated, pulling back to stare into his face.

The twinge of pain that crossed his features did not go unnoticed by my gaze. I saw the way his eyes dropped and his cheek twitched. Somehow, by me recognizing his pain, it finally made it valid to him. He was finally able to accept it as he shook his head and cupped my face.

"No." He stated firmly, eyes locked with mine. "I have loved every minuet spent with you. My only regret came from leaving you in the first place. I have never been miserable with you by my side." He promised me.

It was inappropriate in front of the family, but I did it anyway...I kissed him.

Hard.