Dear Kenma,

I was drowning Kenma, drowning. It might seem silly to think that the someone who pulled me out would be a domestic animal. Not very domestic actually, seeing as she goes feral everytime a pigeon decides to visit. But taking her back home that day...I think made the right decision.
If I had taken another step with all of those swirling thoughts and memories, I would have collapsed. Right there on the sidewalk.

She was sitting there, looking at me as if to say, "You have no business being sad, bring me food." I don't know why I did it really, but when she followed me back home, I let her. The days which followed did not go as I expected them to. I barely had the energy to do anything for myself, much less look after an animal. As soon as I reached home, I just locked myself in our room and did not get out for days. Eventually Bokuto came over with Aakashi, forced me to eat some food and dragged me out of the apartment. They weren't very pleased with the fact that I'd brought home a cat when I was in the state that I was.

I think it was her air of indifference and her being there in general that helped me. She didn't care, she just wanted my constant attention. It wasn't much but it was a much needed distraction. And she needed food of course, so I had to force myself to go out of the house even if I didn't want to. It was me who brought her home after all. Apparently she also needed fresh air. So did I, but at that point of time staring at blank walls better seemed more appealing.

On particularly bad days I would find her curled up on my lap, offering silent support. Meowing indignantly when I just couldn't bring myself to get out of bed as if to say, "I care about you, you idiot even though you won't feed me what I like. Take better care of yourself." When wake up in a cold sweat because of a nightmare, she'd be there. Sleeping peacefully on my stomach, the sight of which helped me calm down to some extent.

I also found out how much of a deadly combination Yaku, Suga and Aakashi are. One day they came barging into our apartment and talked to me for hours. Telling me that I wasn't the only one who was grieving, all of them were. All of them missed you. All of them missed your presence. That I needed to try and continue living my life.

Going out so much because of her ended up with me running into old friends and people I knew. It was hard in the beginning, trying to continue with my daily life as if nothing was wrong. But slowly some semblence of 'normal' returned. The fact that you were dead still hung in the background, but I owed it to you and everyone else to try.

In no way have I moved on Kenma, I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to. I haven't made that much of a progress. But I'm learning. Learning how to swim, learning to navigate the choppy seas. It's been very difficult, occasionally there's a huge wave that pushes me under. But I try not to forget that there are people who can help me up, that I can help myself.

In the beginning, when I was just realising that you wouldn't be there beside me every morning when I woke up, when I realised that I wouldn't be able to make breakfast for you anymore, when I realised that I wouldn't be able to squeeze your hand anymore, when I realised that I wouldn't be able to talk to you, laugh along with you, kiss you, I was so scared. I wanted to forget all those memories. But then I realised that I wouldn't trade those precious memories for anything in the world. Even though I didn't have you, I had memories of the time we spent together.

I'm still scared Kenma. Scared that I won't be able to do certain things without you by my side. I still can't bring myself to touch a volleyball. Things are in no way easy, but then I have all these people who care for me. And of course I have my pigeon hating cat. Because of all these people things are not so dark and heavy anymore.

You know they say, 'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.' It will be quite some time before I don't feel like someone has taken a meat cleaver to my heart when I think about you. When I think about us.

But,

one day, I hope I'll be able to smile again.

Love, Kuroo