.25 | Reluctance

Merida opened her eyes to soft white light  and the unmistakable feeling of bedding that was wrapped around her. The linens were soft and as her eyes fluttered open she ran her hand down the length of the bedsheet. She caught familiar scents in the room and realized with a soft sigh that she was in the infirmary. A steady rhythmic beat beeped on something next to her and she realized it was a heartbeat monitor; each beep a reminder that she was still alive. 

She was no longer in the hoodie last night. Merida was currently in a thin cotton shirt with a modest scoop, though the hem was bigger than something she'd usually fit into. She caught a faint trace of Natasha's scent and realized she must be in one of her shirts. She peeked under the single sheet that had covered her frail body and noticed she was in a pair of black skinny jeans. Instinctively, she wiggled her bare toes and pinched part of her thigh to make sure she was actually awake and not still asleep.

She could feel the anxiety of waking up creeping up on her, the heart rate monitor increased ever so slightly as she was getting her bearings in the infirmary. It wasn't that she didn't know where she was at...she just felt disoriented. The last she remembered she had been in the aircraft being loaded up with Steve right at her side, there was an immense amount of pain radiating from her back...after that she lost all sense of time. 

Almost immediately, another scent hit her and she relaxed visibly; her shoulders softened, and her heartbeat slowed back down to a steady pace. 

It was Steve. 

She slowly swiveled her eyes to the left and saw him. He was slouched in a chair up against a glass window. The sun's rays filtered in just enough to light up his dirty blonde in a way that illuminated the crown of his head and bathed him in a golden light. As if straight from the heavens themselves. His arms were crossed and it looked as if his head were tilted down ever so slightly. 

At this angle it looked as if he might have been sleeping, or maybe just dozing. 

He was in a dark blue shirt, a brown cargo jacket over the shirt and a pair of blue jeans. Everything about Steve's outward appearance was always simple, yet he could command her attention from the moment he walked into any room she had ever been in with him. She smiled lightly to herself as she looked him over.

He must have heard her shift because in one fluid motion he was looking up at her, his blue eyes wide awake as he anchored his attention directly on her. He was on his feet in less than a second, eyebrows drawing inward as he walked over to her bedside to make sure she was okay. 

"Hey," Steve's voice was delicate and she found it comforting.

"I'm sorry I woke you up," Merida's cheeks flushed as she shifted her weight in the bed so that she could sit up. She slowly propped the pillow up behind her so she could leverage herself against it.

Steve shook his head, "It's alright, I uh, I was just resting," She noted the tint of red that flooded his cheeks as he looked away sheepishly. For a moment, that boyish smile demeanor was back. Not the soldier...but the boy from Brooklyn.

Merida was still wrestling with her growing feelings towards the Avenger. They were all so strange and new to her. She was  trying to understand what was going on within her heart as her stomach flip flopped like a somersault at the mere sight of that chiseled smile. A smile so pure and soft it not only enhanced his features but also brought out a youth to him that made his eyes sparkle. 

He wasn't a perfect soldier or hero...but she could see now how being a good man at heart had been the guiding force of Steve's entire life. She owed so much to him, a debt she could probably never repay in this lifetime...but with Steve being who he was... he did what he did out of the goodness of his heart. She realized with a thought that his mother would be so proud if she could see him now. 

Merida blinked rapidly from shock as she straightened her back and realized there was no pain whatsoever. Not a single drop of fire hot pain, that searing burn that had sliced through the subtle skin of her back from the whip; it was all gone. Nothing was there; no bandages or wraps, which should have been standard given the degree to her traumatic back injuries. 

She couldn't feel any of the pain, the heat from the burn, or the sting from the lashings. 

It was as if it had never happened.

It was just.....gone. 

She tried to twist around in an attempt to see own back for proof before gazing back up at Steve, her own chocolate brown eyes were wide with confusion, "H-how am I healed? How long have I been out?" There was an anxious tremble to her voice and the heartbeat monitor increased in tempo to her rising anxiety. 

The only way she could have healed herself was in her tiger form...there was no other way...

"And Fran? Ansem? Are they still okay?" Merida swallowed past the panicky lump forming in her throat. 

"It's kind of a long story, but they're both fine...and they're still here in at the tower," He looked hesitang as he shifted his eyes towards the floor, anywhere but at her. When he finally dragged his gaze back up at her she could see there was confusion in his eyes as if he were still processing something...

"You've been out since last night, about fourteen or fifteen hours,.." 

Merida's eyes nearly bugged out of her head. 

Fourteen or fifteen hours? She couldn't remember a time she had ever slept that long.

With the circus always moving and something always happening, Merida was lucky to see six hours a sleep at a time. Sleeping in a cage and being watched by Killian hadn't been the best environment to get a safe night of sleep in. 

"Fury wasn't exactly thrilled to have another big cat in the tower," A small, impish smirk edged at the corner of his mouth. "But between Fran and Tony, they were able to buy him a little time...given the circumstances," 

Merida felt a few tears prickle at her eyes from elation and relief.

"Oh, he won't cause much trouble. He's not a conventional house cat, I know that...but he's a friend.." Merida nodded with a confident smile. 

"I trust you," Steve answered back without hesitation. She could see within that one gaze that penetrated her heart he truly meant it too; he trusted them both. 

Just thinking about Ansem brought a fondness to her gentle heart.  

She didn't think their stay here would last long though, given that Ansem was a full grown lion and he required a wide open space and care that the tower wouldn't be able to provide. She knew that...and she also knew it meant that she would have to find a place for Ansem. That bittersweet thought nearly brought her tears, but she had no doubt given Fran's resourceful nature, she was already on top of finding somewhere he could go.

Somewhere he would be safe and free. 

It was only then she realized that Steve looked a little unkempt; his hair was ruffled and not at all neatly slicked back like she had seen at the banquet. He was fumbling over his words, which wasn't completely uncommon when he was around her, but his shoulders were bowed and his focus drifted today. 

"Steve, have you been here the whole time?" She peered at him with a feeling of guilt for having kept him here for so long. 

He nodded his head, a little crinkle near his eyes revealed a small smile graced his chiseled features. He looked down at his hands for a moment and back up at her with a little shrug, "I just didn't want you to wake up alone, that's all.." He paused and added earnestly, "I remember how you said you felt when you woke up at the chicago headquarters alone..." 

She remembered that day.

Waking up on a table with strange people around her, trying to sedate her as her tiger form...her inner beast had woken up in a panic, but it had been Steve that had been able to temper her inner wild and calm her. It was with him she had always felt safe. 

There was something endearing about the patriotic man with ocean blue eyes as he stumbled on his words and looked more sleepy than she had ever seen him.

Merida watched as his aura flushed in and out with colors of red, pink and yellow. She sighed contently knowing that he had been with her for at least most of the time while she was out. 

"A hero needs his sleep too.." Merida whispered with a faint smile. 

Steve ducked his head and smiled faintly, another touch of crimson painting his cheeks.

Merida stilled as she looked down at the bracelet Tony gave her. It was still on.

She frowned deeply remembering Killian's cruel words, his venomous tongue making a mockery of her being with the Avengers..as if she could never be one of them. She remembered the beast within stepping out of the catacombs of the shadows, it's reclamation of power as she started to realize that the illusion Killian had created of her being a freak was nothing more than a big pile of lies. 

She had started to truly feel the first flicker of light at the end of the tunnel, even during his painful lashings, even between the cruel words, she saw the truth beyond his darkness and lies.

In that moment, Merida had realized her worth. He had crippled her in ways that were worse than death, had stripped her bare of her worth and dignity more times than she could count...but this time was different...and had Steve and Tony not entered when they did she was fully ready to shift and latch her jaws onto Killian's neck and not let go until he stopped moving.

The satisfaction she felt in that one desire of killing Killian somewhat frightened her. 

"And Killian?" She shivered involuntarily at mere mention of his name leaving her lips. 

There was something so careless, yet so strategic in his moves last night...and his motives. When she had caught a glimpse of him being hauled away in handcuffs she couldn't shake the sinister smile that ghosted his face. 

"He's at Ryker's and from the looks of it he won't be getting out to hurt you or anyone else anytime soon. We're still looking for the others though," There was conviction in his voice.  

She noted the way he enunciated his words with a promise laced in his voice. She smiled feebly for his benefit, nodding slowly, though there was something in heart heart that felt as if things were not at all over...

It was a lot to digest though...it would mean the circus was gone for good now. She didn't know how she felt about that, but she pushed away the grief that came with realizing a place she had always considered home was gone.

But was it really ever a home?

There was a conflicting inner turmoil that warred within her heart. 

At the core of her being, Merida knew she deserved better than what she had been dealt, but she had been at war with her own self-worth for so long...believing to be nothing but a freak...until Steve...and the Avengers came along..

She touched the bracelet absentmindedly, her eyes catching the old faint scars on her wrist before looking back up at Steve, eyeing him boldly.

"I want to know everything, and I want to know how I healed so quickly.."

Three knocks on the infirmary door alerted them both to another presence, interrupting their conversation. It opened slowly, creaking faintly as Bruce popped his head around.

His salt and peppery brown hair was unkempt as ever. He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose out of habit. There was a nervous excitement around him. 

She noticed it pulsating in his energy the moment he walked in.

"You're awake," Bruce walked inside, shoving his hands inside his white lab coat as he moved towards the monitors around her bed in the infirmary. "You seem to have a knack for ending up in this infirmary," He laughed nervously and despite herself, Merida let out a low chuckle. 

"Maybe the third time might be a charm," Merida mused to herself. 

There was a protective glint that shimmered in Steve's eyes the moment she mentioned a third time. He visibly stiffened as if the mere thought of her winding up in the infirmary again made him uneasy. Steve's abrupt shift in energy hadn't gone unnoticed by Bruce as he slid his eyes discreetly to the super solider and then back to the monitors around Merida. 

"I'm just going to check your vitals right now and a little later we can go over a new meal plan to boost your nutrients and makes sure you're getting adequate amount," He paused and looked at her as if something had piqued his interest, "I'm still working on isolating your blood to understand more about the genetic sequence of your mutant gene," 

He cringed slightly on the word mutant and frowned, "Sorry, gifted gene-" 

Merida shrugged softly with an encouraging smile. It was the first time the sentiment didn't disturb her spirit, "It's what I am, isn't it? A girl who can shift into a tiger is anything but ordinary.." 

The words tumbled from her mouth with ease and a new energy prickled at her veins.

There was a small sense of pride that purred within her heart; the beast within her was satisfied with that..it seemed to have responded well to her acceptance of what she was. A strange new feeling of oneness washed over her entire body in that small brief moment and she couldn't help but smile lightly as the beast within her continued to purr with contentment.

Is this what acceptance was? Relinquishing the resentment and self-hatred that she had carried for so long...and instead choosing to honor the beast within? 

There was a palpable shift within her soul. 

Steve seemed to have noticed it too, as if he had felt it for himself. She felt that familiar tug of invisible string that linked her to Steve. She couldn't see it, but she could feel it. Though Steve hadn't said anything there was something in his eyes that reflected back he could somehow feel that tether as well. Merida blinked a couple times, staring at Steve as if they were having a silent conversation without words...it was as if they spoke with their eyes. 

Bruce cleared his throat, snapping Merida out of the depths of those patriotic blue eyes. 

"Yeah, but gifted gene sounds a lot nicer than mutant gene.." Bruce murmured with a soft smile as Steve watched the doctor work. He took her pulse and blood pressure with his own instruments despite the monitors showing the numbers. He wanted to listen for himself. 

"Have you told her about-" Bruce stopped short the moment glanced up at Steve, who had curtly shook his head 'no'. Bruce opened his mouth as if to speak again and then closed it as he finished up with her vitals. It was no surprise that her heart rate started to go up as she looked between the two Avengers, a little exasperated as to a secret that she wasn't privy to. 

"Doctor Banner, why is everyone being so cryptic about how I magically healed overnight?" She looked over at Steve, her eyes simmering with a rising primal frustration. She noticed the way he dropped his gaze from hers and to the floor as he took in a deep breath. Those eyebrows of his were furrowed down in hesitation, his muscles bunching in rare display. 

After a moment, Merida pressed more urgently, "Did I do something? Did I hurt someone, or-?" She didn't know why she thought this, but it was the first thing she could think of. 

Bruce looked a bit uncomfortable as if he realized Merida hadn't been caught up on everything. He gazed up at Steve and then back down at Merida before adding honestly, "You didn't hurt anyone, Merida. I promise, it's not like that.." Bruce took a step back as he shoved both hands in his lab coat pockets but not before pushing his glasses up his nose again. 

Bruce was getting flustered from the unfolding situation so Steve took a small step towards the bed and nodded encouragingly, "I think it's best if Francesca were to explain," 

Merida looked between the two Avengers and noticed that while Bruce looked optimistic through his hesitancy, Steve looked uncomfortable for different reasons; he was processing something. She just didn't know what. His aura contracted in on itself and she looked away feeling slightly ashamed for trying to read him so intensely. 

Merida had a feeling he could sense her scrutiny. 

"Okay then, I would like to go see Francesca," Merida's voice was a little more clipped than usual, but she was frustrated and she just wanted answers so she could understand.

She was also still getting her bearings after waking up from a fourteen hour dream state and had no recollection of getting back to the tower or her own healing. 

It all unnerved her. 

Including Steve's reluctance to share with her what had happened. 

"I'll get you all unhooked over here, but I'd really like to take another look at you later on and just go over your vitals, if that's okay with you?" Bruce helped her unhook everything, taking out the plug to the heart rate monitor. She nodded in response to his question. 

"I'd also like to understand more about my, um, nutrition stuff and how that all works with shifting into the tiger, if that's okay with you?" 

Bruce nodded, almost too enthusiastically as he pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose again with a quiver excitement. "Oh, sure, yeah. Of course! I have a few adjustments to your meal plan so we can go over all that then,"

She could tell he was truly invested his work as a doctor and scientist, and he truly loved what he did. She knew in her heart she wasn't just another science experiment to Bruce because his aura was such an endearing shade of green and yellow, nothing about it ever made her question his motives. 

Steve reached out a steady arm to Merida as she slowly slid off the bed on his side, a small hiss of surprise escaping her pouty lips as the cold tile floor hit her bare feet. He held her arm with a gentleness that Killian had never been able to mirror. She felt the warmth of his featherlight touch radiate down her arm. She felt the goosebumps appear on her arms as her stomach fluttered around anxiously.

She stretched her aching muscles and took a deep breath. 

"Got it?" He looked down at her with a reassuring smile. 

Merida cleared her throat and nodded genuinely, looking up at his tall statuesque build. It was a reminder of how large he was compared to her fragile little frame. 

But it was also a reminder of how much she enjoyed being in close proximity to him. He was a safe and sturdy anchor that had kept her from descending into despair and darkness. The beast within purred as if agreeing with her silent thoughts.

As they walked out she turned over her shoulder and shot Bruce a small, grateful smile, offering a little wave before stepping out into the long hall outside of the infirmary. 

Steve touched the small of her back and she relaxed into a steady pace. There was no pain where he had pressed his hand and she felt a sigh of relief escape her lips. The fire hot lashings had been like wildfire spreading across her back last night. To the point where she thought she'd either puke or pass out....and now there was no pain at all. 

She noticed he didn't walk too brusquely. 
If anything, he kept his pace in sync with hers and only walked as fast as she did.

Merida frowned as he pressed the up button on the elevator pad. 

"Steve," Her voice was a whisper and she glanced up at him hesitantly, "Are you mad at me? Did I do something...wrong?" The thought him being mad at her made her stomach feel heavy and ill.

"What?" Steve turned to look at her with a surprised gaze, those eyebrows knitted together in confusion as the impact of her words landed.

He must have realized the pain that she felt as he watched her face blanch slightly, her shoulders hunched and something like shame reflected in her eyes. The elevator opened and he held his hand out against the door so she could walk inside as he followed behind her.

"Hey, Merida, it's not like that at all...you didn't do anything wrong. I promise,"

The elevator doors slid closed and he pressed the button to head up to the rec room. Merida bit her bottom lip, leaned against the wall of the elevator and slid her gaze to Steve who was standing to her right.

Steve sighed and looked down as he shook his head with a faint smile, "Trust me, if I try to explain everything I'll just mess it all up.." He met her gaze with a bashful smile.

But he still looked awfully tired.

Merida nodded, trusting in his words. She quickly murmured, "Thank you for saving me...again." She felt her cheeks burn, "You dove in after me with no hesitation.." She paused and looked up at him with a grateful gleam to her doe-like eyes.

"How did you know you'd get to me in time? The water was so dark..."

In a rare display of emotion, Steve paused and looked down but when he looked back at her his eyes looked as if they glistened.

Or maybe it was the bright light streaming through the glass window behind them as they made their way up the tower.

"I didn't..." His strained voice broke off and it looked as if he were struggling to find the words. "I just knew in that moment...all that mattered was you.."

Merida's lips parted as her entire being swayed from the weight and rae emotion of his words. As she turned to look up at Steve, she felt in that moment the gravity of their connection, the immense depth. Her knees slightly buckled at the intensity in which Steve was radiating. But he broke his gaze first, looking down at the elevator floor with a haunted look as if reliving the terrifying ordeal over again.

Merida's body grew a mind of its own and moved of its own accord. Instinctively, her right hand had already found his left hand. She didn't know why her body had moved of its own...but something in her had offered thisngesture as a gift of comfort to him, a reminder that she was still here and she was safe now because of him.

The moment their hands entertwined she felt her heart lift off as if it had grown a pair of wings. His hand was slightly calloused, but nothing at all that deterred her from feeling the igniting warmth his hand provided as he gently entwined it around her hand.

Steve stared down at their hands and then gently met her gaze, his lips slightly parted. She noticed the way his chest moved, he had taken a shaky breath upon looking in her  eyes.

"Had the roles been reversed...I wouldn't have hesitated to go in after you too...." Merida admitted truthfully.

There was not a doubt in her mind had it been Steve falling into that dark water she'd have dove in after him. It was startling in a way to know the brave depths she'd go to to keep him safe...and the same went for Steve about her.

They both looked at each other for a long, intense second....her lips parted again and she found she was holding her breath. Her mind was swirling, her stomach fluttering... didn't know what would happen next....until the elevator dinged and brought them back to the present moment.

She couldn't help but feel slightly relieved that they were interrupted. She didn't know what what she would have done in those next few moments...the intensity of his gaze, the heat and rush of blood that pooled in her veins...

Merida blinked and the moment was gone.

They stepped out of the elevator together and into the rec room, but it hadn't gone unnoticed that they were both reluctant to let their hands go. Steve's face burned a thousand shades of red while Merida was still trying to comprehend her own emotions.

Even as she walked further into the rec room the heat from their intense exchange still lingered..

Author's Note:

I do apologize for how long this took to come out. It's been a few months since my last chapter but I have to be honest...the last chapter kinda broke me with Killian abusing her...it all kinda weighed heavily on my spirit since I'm so connected to my characters..especially Merida. I had to retreat for a bit and put this story on hold while I started new fanfics and stories.

So sorry to keep you all waiting. I do appreciate everyone who has stuck with this story for as long as they have. I really do plan on finishing Siberia before 2022 ends.

Writing this chapter was the fire I needed to reconnect to the story. So so in love with these smol beans and I really love how pure and just so beautiful their relationship is. Sure we've had some angst along the way, but the overarching theme of their connection, bond and love is so magical.

I always adore writing them and their scenes together. The elevator scene made my own heart leap for joy....I love that she's growing more bold and accepting of who she is and accepting of the beast within her. I can see such a shift in her spirit and I can't wait to continue to explore her healing and growth journey in the story.

Can't wait until she seems Francesca and Ansem again! I promise I won't make you all wait three months for another chapter. I'm working on the next one this week in my spare time.

But there is so much to talk about...

How did Merida heal so fast if she wasn't in her tiger form? Why is Steve reluctant to share? How does Francesca factor into it all?

And is this the end for Killian's reign?!

So many questions. I guess we will have to find out more in the next chapter.

There are still multiple parts to this story left so buckle up!! ;)

I love you all. Thank you for being patient and always supporting this story..truly means a lot to me. I love love writing and I hope I do these characters justice for you all.

♡♡