.19 | all i've known

Merida walked side by side with Tony down the long hall of the tower, their destination was to a board room where many of the agents worked vigorously trying to find Killian and the other circus members that had escaped.

She had spent most of her morning and early afternoon with Tony, watching him work and learning more about the man underneath the iron suit. He was quick witted, sarcastic and extremely observant. There was a delicate way in which he answered all her questions as she inspected just about every single invention, or prototype, in his garage.

He took a lot of pride in his work and she noted the details to everything he created. For someone who didn't have much technology around at her leisure, this was like a playground for her to look around and investigate.

They had been called up to the board room, the both of them, as a full detail was being given on the members of the circus and Fury had been adamant that Merida show up as well, he also included the words, 'No funny business either,' which in Fury speak meant no shifting unannounced in a room full of agents that were not prepared to see an overgrown tiger burst into the room.

She was stoic as she walked with a hesitation, Tony though caught on to her reservations as she looked anywhere but at the glass doors they were nearing.

He rolled up his sleeves, still smelling of faint grease and motor oil, "You okay, kid?"

Merida paused for a brief moment, parted her lips and frowned, "The last time I saw him on the screen I shifted, uhm, down in the lobby when I first got here.." Seeing Killian's face had triggered her, a wound so deep and still so fresh and raw.

She had no way of knowing what she would do at any given moment when she saw his face, it brought up so much raw emotion - the beast within hated Killian with an ire, for the beast it was a natural reflex to see him and want to shift. For Merida, she wanted to just curl in the fetal position and hide from Killian's venomous aura.

He nodded lightly, reached out to push open the handle on the door and offered his hand in a gesture that she could go first, "You'll be fine," There was a subtle shift of his eyes as he gave her a very small encouraging smile, very unlike the snarky Tony she had always seen.

It gave her a brief moment to collect herself and gather her strength as she walked into the boardroom, unaware of what she was going to be getting herself into.

She caught the faint scent of Steve, who she had imagined was already in the room with the rest of the Avengers and Fury. As they both walked in her eyes were immediately drawn to the large white board on the wall directly in front of her that ran the length of it, or just about at least.

It was littered with photos of people she recognized, people she had grown up, people she had loved.... Names in dark black white board maker were written under the photos and her eyes blazed in on Killian who was posted front and center in the middle, his menacing smile trained on her as if he were staring at her through the photo; mocking her and taunting her.

Her hair prickled on the back of her neck and the beast within stirred with agitation. And not just because it was Killian in the photo, it was two things that stood out. This photo was new and looked to be taken from a surveillance camera - it was recent as if they had a lead on him.

She felt her stomach flip flop, but there were no butterflies, no softness like the way she felt in Steve's company, this was a flip flop of terror and horror.

From his seat around the table, Steve was watching her closely, his eyebrows knitted in concern as her energy shifted upon seeing Killian's photo on the white board. He could see her eyes widen, couldn't even imagine the hidden horrors she was reliving in her mind.

"You're late," Fury remarked as he stood on the far left side of the white board, marker in hand, with his arms hanging loosely down, cross-crossed. He was in an all black long sleeve shirt, dark pants and his regular boots. Fury was a force to be reckoned with, he was no nonsense too and he made Merida nervous.

Like right now.

Everyone was in the room; Steve, Natasha, Sam, Bruce, Thor and Clint...also, a woman with dark brown hair that stood next to Fury with a tough as nails gaze. She didn't know who that was though. She wore an all blue S.H.I.E.L.D. suit, black straps were around her thighs which were a home to her knife and gun. She crossed her arms, her brown hair up in a low bun. She sensed curiosity from the woman, but her facial expression refused to show it. The woman's aura swirled around as she looked at Merida curiously.

All their eyes were on them as they entered.

Steve was in a thin white shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans with his black jacket on over it. From where she stood, she could smell his hair; it smelled fresh like sandalwood and something else...his hair was still tussled, not completely dry yet. There was a crisp smell to him, fresh like rain, fresh like a new day. Her eyes locked on his soft blue ones and she gave him a small, bashful smile.

She hadn't known they were that late.

'Sorry,' She mouthed to Steve as he gave her a small shrug in return, silently letting her know it was okay. His aura billowed with the soft colors of his energetic field, such a contrast to the aura that Fury gave off. Fury's was darker, thrashing wildly in annoyance more so than anything.

Natasha was dressed in her S.H.I.E.L.D. outfit, fully decked out from head to toe in a sleek outfit that accentuated her curves in all the right places. Clint next to her wore a dark black suit, slightly different than hers, but he had long sleeves and all black from head to toe. He was missing his bow, but even without he exuded a confident energy.

Sam was next to Natasha's other side, a dark brown jacket over a white shirt and jeans. Thor was on the end, further away and close to Bruce, he was in his Avenger outfit and she wondered if the God owned any other clothes other than his super hero outfit. It was plated with armor from the God's and looked sturdy and heavy.

"Ah, my pop-tart companion," Thor enthused as she walked in, a beaming smile upon his face. For a mighty God, he sure did have a golden retriever puppy energy to him, she couldn't even imagine seeing him with the full fury of the lightning.

Merida smiled at him, watching his aura flicker around in genuine excitement upon seeing her again.

Fury gave Tony an unimpressed look, "The meeting started-,"

"I know, thirty minutes ago," Tony cut in and gave Fury a sardonic grin. "We were just having too much fun and forgot about the meeting. Isn't that right, Siberia?"

Merida looked at Tony and then at the curious gazes that went back and forth between the two; clearly they weren't up to speed on Tony's accidental creation of her name for the team. She knew she wasn't a superhero, she was far from it, but the sentiment to have a special name other than pet meant more to her than any of them would ever know.

Steve looked at Tony before his eyes met Merida's, a small growing smile on his face as his eyes lit up with the recognition of what Siberia meant, his smile said it all. He approved, he more than approved - his smile was something reverent as he gazed at her with a beam of pride.

Sam raised a brow, silent for a few moments before nodding, "Oh yeah, I get it now,"

Clint gave him a look, "You haven't had your coffee this morning, have you?"

Sam gave him an eyeroll as Natasha looked bemused at their banter.

Bruce looked between them all, still wearing the same shirt he had been the day before and looking as if he had been pouring over data or other science-y things for a way too long, probably well past his bedtime, "She's an Avenger now?"

"No!" Merida urged, her eyes widening as she shook her head. "I wouldn't be cut out for it,"

"Sure you would," Tony quipped with a smirk.

She couldn't even imagine being an Avenger - a super hero. It was not befitting for someone so fragile..so small...she could shift and she was still making sense of the totality of her abilities, even after all this time, but a super hero? She wasn't worthy like them...she was a rescue from a circus. Merida couldn't see herself as a hero and couldn't even fathom holding such a title, especially when she was still haunted by all her trauma.

She would be a liability more than anything.

"Need I remind you all, Ms. Reid is merely assisting us with the case temporarily," Fury cut in, which earned quite a few scowls and frowns across the room.

There was a point to his words that settled in deep within her heart, giving way to fear of what the after this case was closed meant for her...and where she would go. She frowned lightly in silent thought before shoving down all the anxiety and panic it brought up within her veins - not that she expected anything from the Avengers after this, but she just didn't know where she would go or what she would do. It was probably best that way though, she knew Steve mentioned time again that she was never a burden, but it didn't change the way Merida felt about herself.

Not yet at least.

"Cool name for a cool cat though," Clint remarked as he gave her a small smile, breaking her from her racing thoughts.

Thor raised his magical hammer in the air and nodded in approval, "Lady Siberia, I'll allow it. It is fitting for her gifts,"

She felt over whelmed for a brief moment, steadied her breathing as she felt her skin become prickly. The beast within was never too enthused to feel overwhelmed, it became cagey.

Steve noticed immediately and looked at everyone, "Give her some room to breathe," His voice was soft, but defensive. Thor looked at Merida with a small frown on his face, as if feeling bad for adding to her already seemingly antsy state.

"Can we get back to the meeting at hand?" Fury's voice was matter-of-fact.

Merida turned her gaze to the whiteboard and stared at it inquisitively, finding her own black and white photo on the board with surprised eyes. She had never seen her own photo hung up on a board such as this. Each photo had a name below it and then facts they knew about each one below that, thick black marker lines interconnected all of them together, the line from Killian went straight to Merida's photo.

Her photo was taken from years ago, a very rare catch on a security camera at a gas station, her eyes lonely and sad even in a black and white. She frowned before moving on to look at all the other photos that were on the board.

"When was this taken?" She nodded at Killian's most recent photo.

"Yesterday morning. He's here in New York," Fury deadpanned.

Merida twisted to look at Steve next to her with harrowed shock.

"Should we even be going to a....banquet tonight if he's here? She whispered with harsh concern.

"What? And miss out on you being the belle of the ball?" Tony smirked.

When Merida gave him a look he shook his head. He crossed his arms and leaned against the glass windows behind the table, "There's always going to be an evil big bad guy, doesn't mean we should stop the party,"

Merida frowned and he rolled his eyes, "Come on kid, you practically fainted when you saw your dress.

"You got her a dress?" Steve asked, his eyebrows narrowed slightly in confusion, now looking at Tony across the room.

"More like Pepper got her a dress," Tony remarked as Merida smiled lightly at Steve.

Fury cleared his throat, loudly, as he walked to the white board, "This was taken yesterday morning, which puts Killian here in our city already. Do you have any idea of where he might be hiding out at?"

Merida mulled this over for a moment, regaining her thoughts to the present moment. She gnawed on her bottom lip before shaking her head sadly, "I have no idea where he could be. We moved around with the circus, so I mean, he could have contacts here, but if he did I wouldn't know."

Merida paused again and frowned, "Sir, where did the others go? From the circus?"

Fury hesitated for a moment and shook his head, "Those that didn't perish either fled or were taken in for questioning. Some of them were indicted on warrants, others were let loose after questioning,"

Merida just felt her stomach flip with heavy grief; and it compounded one after another, her thoughts racing again as she thought of all those from the circus that survived trying to pick up the pieces of what had been their home. If they hadn't escaped with Killian, they were on their own.

All those people..no where to go now, though some had dealings with the criminal world, not all of them. Just like that...some were dead. Like Zoe. She shuddered as she remembered the blood on her hands, the glassy eyed look on her face as she stilled after her last breath; innocence gone.

A hand brushed her elbow, a small gesture that Steve could sense the heaviness and sorrow growing deep within her. He felt her shift in energy and the room grew stoic as Steve knitted his eyebrows deeply, giving her a innocent enough gesture that meant he was there and he could see the turmoil within her soul; he always did, the inner struggle of taking down the only family she's ever known and the right thing to do so that no one else got hurt by Killian.

Merida offered him a sad smile before stretching her legs outward and standing, taking a deep breath she walked to the white board and stared at it for a long moment. She felt like she couldn't give them much on where Killian and the others were, but she could give some insight on who they were and what they were capable of.

Anything might help.

"Any other surveillance footage?" Sam asked.

"No, seems they got smart and started lying low under the radar,"

"No cell phones or traces?" Natasha asked.

Fury shook his head with an annoyed look.

"You won't really find them with cellphones, and if they do they'll be burner phones. We really weren't allowed to have electronics or anything like that.." She added quietly as the others gazed at her. She could feel their eyes upon her, knew already they were frowning, so she kept her eyes on the white board.

She stood up and walked over to the photo of Blaze and Blair and pointed, "These two fraternal twins are ruthless," She added to Fury and then gazed at Steve who she knew wouldn't be giving her a pitying look. He nodded once, his eyebrows knitted as he was silently taking in all the information she could provide.

"They are fiercely loyal, and would do just about anything for him. From what I gathered, they are orphans. The previous ringmaster, Killian's father, scooped them up not long before he passed. They've been with the circus ever since. They are experts in weaponry and have a huge appreciation for anything they can point and shoot. They are both very well versed in technology so rest assured these two are helping Killian with the tech and weapons,"

They watched her walk to the next photo.

"The strong man, Alonzo," She pointed as she crossed her arms across chest, still shy at the curious gazes she was getting from everyone in the room. Even Fury raised a brow.

"He's definitely going to be the strong arm, someone who will do the dirty work if Killian needs him to. He's loyal to a fault, though I don't know his background extremely well. I wouldn't get in his way. He's all strength, not exceptionally intellectual, but gets the job done,"

"He's the muscle then," Sam remarked with a nod.

Merida smiled and nodded, "Yes, exactly. They say he murdered a man with his bare hands, but I'm not so sure if that's a rumor or not. Everyone stayed away from him at the circus, but he's never been cruel to me...not like the twins," She frowned as she spoke, her voice falling away as she felt her cheeks burn a crimson red.

"Isabella," Merida moved on, pointing to her photo and then returning her gaze to the room, "She's bi-polar-," She started in quietly, thinking about all the times Isabella had turned on a dime, had a meltdown over an outfit or if her makeup wasn't perfect, or when Killian ignored her, "She's a spitfire, unpredictable and has what a bad guy would consider a master's degree in explosives. There were whispers of her blowing up a corporate building years ago and also selling home grown explosives to enemies of the state,"

Everyone's eyes widened in surprise.

"She sounds....lovely," Clint murmured with heavy sarcasm.

"If Killian needs something that goes bang, she's his girl. She's able to blend in and smooth talk just about anyone, though sometimes cruel, she's more out for own personal gains than anything,"

Merida paused and considered, "She is loyal to Killian, but I don't feel it's as strong as the loyalty that the twins have for him,"

"She could be swayed," Natasha murmured with a small shrug.

Merida nodded with a slight shoulder shrug of her own, "Anything's possible with Isabella, her mood is a major factor in how she's feeling or what she'll do," She paused and thought of something that came to her, "I remember her mentioning that her grandma was in a care facility and she hated the place she was in. I don't think they treat the patients well, from what Isabella said. She wanted to make a quick cash grab this year so that she could move her to a better place,"

"Leverage," Steve murmured as Natasha nodded.

"It's something," Fury muttered as he assessed the board with Merida.

"Ansem is the lion and Francesca has him for me," Merida frowned deeply as her eyes bristled over with unshed tears. "He was my friend so I want your word that no one at S.H.I.E.L.D. will hurt him if he's spotted,"

There was hesitation from Fury but Steve nodded adamantly, "Ansem won't be hurt, I promise."

Merida sighed and nodded with a small whisper, "He's probably so scared,"

"Did you grow up with him?" Clint asked, curiosity taking over.

"Not really, no, but he's been with me for a long time. I think we connected because of my mutation. He sensed another cat and became extremely protective of me," Merida murmured quietly as her heart tugged longingly for her companionship with Ansem.

"He will come to no harm, Lady Reid," Thor added with a trusting glint to his stormy eyes.

"Who is Francesca?" Tony asked, his eyes laser focused on the flawless woman in the photo, even in black and white she was a sight to behold. Beauty, grace...feminine work of art in human form. Merida had always admired the woman.

"Francesca..." Merida murmured as she looked at the woman's photo on the whiteboard.

"She's not bad," She shook her head adamantly, "She's off limits. Fran was the only person in the circus and stepped up and took me in, she accepted who I was with no reservations. I know now she was acting on maternal instincts, but she-she saved me on more than one occasion from Killian's wrath, talking him down. I owe her everything,"

The room was silent as Merida was brought back to those moments.

To think he had almost been close to having his way with her after the Diego deal...to think of what he had promised her...take claim her mind, body and spirit. She shuddered with revulsion of his violent promises to not be gentle.

Steve had saved her in the nick of time.

"She's the resident clairvoyant,"

"Cheap parlor tricks?" Tony asked with a skeptical brow.

"No, she's the real deal. Killian scooped her up and she owed a debt, he paid it off in exchange for her work at the circus. Once he realized she was truly gifted he was utilizing her recently to see his future, to see if he could would wield what he was truly after,"

"She saw you coming," Merida whispered with a faint smile in Steve's direction. He offered a shy smile right back before she turned to look at the others, "She's the real deal and he's been using her to see how to find these...ancient magical treasures..the Ringmaster's Treasure is what he called it,"

"Doesn't sound of the realm of impossible given what we've seen," Clint added with a small shrug.

Fury took a small step forward and looked down at her with his good eye, "Ms. Reid, I'm going to have to ask you to explain all you know about these....treasure's.."

Merida gulped and nodded, swallowing past the lump in her throat as she began.

"To understand, I have to start from the beginning.."

Steve nodded, a small acknowledgement that she could take all the time she needed.

He was so patient with her.

Always kind...she didn't know how she felt about the link that continued to pull her to him, the link that nudged her to always look for him in a crowded room or seek him out in group of people. The link was strong and it wasn't anything that she could understand fully, the way in which she could feel him...feel him on a soul level.

It scared her too.

Merida cleared her throat and started from the beginning, detailing the former Ringmaster, her mother and her passing...to how the familial relationship between her and Killian dissolved the moment his father passed, passing on the Ringmaster to his son, Killian. How he became diabolical with violence, power and his obsession and utter revulsion for her and others like her.

The way he spiraled out and built an empire within a moving circus; hiding in plain sight.

The carefully carved out plan and obsession he had with finding the Ringmaster's Treasures. She explained what little she knew about them, but if they could get to Francesca, she had a feeling she could provide more insight into what they were and what they did.

"The last I spoke with him about he had found another mutant that could supposedly help find the treasure's, but I have no idea who that is," She paused and shrugged, her heart was filled with lead as the acid on her tongue lingered from speaking about her horrid past in such a way. Some had already heard it, but others...like Thor...looked parts enraged and parts horrified.

She couldn't hold his bold gaze long enough, she could feel his rage and anger, the energy flowing through his God-like form.

Merida looked down at her shoes and then back up at Steve with a frown, "I'm sorry I couldn't be of much more help, but that's the best I can offer," Her words were strained, full of emotion as she barely held it together, her body trembled at reliving her past trauma.

Tony swallowed thickly and looked away, his jawline tightened as not even he had any clever words to offer.

"We will make things right, Lady Reid," He offered stiffly, tempering his anger by offering some kind words to break the awful tension and silence in the room.

It had been suffocating before, so she was thankful for him breaking the silence.

"I can see if my mother knows anything of these magical human instruments..." Thor offered and Fury nodded his approval.

"That would be a lot of help," Steve added with a respectful nod of his head.

"Francesca said she saw Killian wielding the treasure's...what she sees usually comes to pass, in some way shape or form," Merida urged as Fury mulled this over silently.

"We'll burn it to the ground before he gets his hands on them," Sam added with vindication in his eyes.

Clint nodded, "We'll take them out before they can find whatever it is,"

Merida felt her insides coil at the words burn it the ground and we'll take them out.

She looked at them, anguish in her eyes.

Natasha softened, understanding her conflicting emotions.

"These people...this circus...I know it just seems like a breeding ground for criminals, but-"

Merida paused and felt her eyes brimming over as tears fell down her face.

Everyone fell quiet.

Steve's own face looked ashen, he was hurting for her. He even looked like he wanted to reach out and hold her, but he didn't.

"This is all I've ever known," She stopped and looked down, wiping a stray tear as it fell, "I know I have seen horrors, been through hell and back and I won't ever go into a cage again, but when we speak of burning it to the ground and taking them out, this is, this is...all I've ever known,"

Stockholm Syndrome.

Steve thought it, but didn't say it.

Natasha gazed at Steve as if she could read his mind. She was thinking the same thing.

"When this is over, when you...get Killian...the life I ever knew is gone forever, the home I've ever known is gone forever and I-I don't where that leaves me because it was all I that had," Merida trembled.

Sam gazed at Steve as if in warning that she might shift, but given his gaze he could already sense it too.

Merida sniffed and shook her head, feeling like a stupid stupid girl, a huge burden. She was ashamed for her conflicted loyalty and feelings towards the circus and the home she had grew up in.

Twisted, violent...yes, but it was all she knew and she never; it was her upbringing, her childhood, her..everything, and also here she had been raised by her mother.

It looked as if Clint was going to say something in earnest, but it fell on deaf ears.

She unexpectedly shifted violently, and beautifully, before them. Her tiger form made everyone look up at her in wide-eyed surprise, while Fury scurried back and tensed considerably.

She rushed out of the room, down the hallway and at the end she made a right, smelling her way back to the elevators that she and Tony had come in on. She shifted at the elevators again, breathing heavily and feeling her body feel the effects of shifting so quickly back to back in an emotional state.

As she clumsily made her way into the elevator, she pushed the button to her floor, holding her breath and feeling the emotional tidal wave of what they were about to do overtake her.

The disgusting bond she had with Killian would be gone, but her entire life would suspended in time, floating in the unknown of what was to come next. She didn't know what scared her more; facing up to Killian and taking him out once and for all or the loneliness that would follow after once all she ever knew was up in smoke.

~

Steve stood, his chest heaving up and down from the distress he felt within Merida.

"Just give her some time alone, don't.." He put up a hand as Thor seemed to want to get up and go after her. Steve shook his head at him. He could sense that she wanted time alone, not that he knew how but he just could feel...her.

Natasha looked at everyone, "She's trauma bonded to Killian,"

Steve furrowed his brow at that and frowned even deeper, "She's gaining freedom, but losing everything she ever felt like was home in the process,"

Steve shoved off the side of the table, shoved his hands in his pockets and walked out, leaving the room with a disheartened gaze as the room behind him mulled over his words and let it sink in.

Author's Note:

Ooof this chapter. I really do feel for Merida. It's hard enough to understand that the situation she was in with Killian wasn't healthy or normal, but it's even harder to see her wrestle with the idea that she's taking down the only family/home she's EVER known.

Of course that leaves her thinking like...what happens next?

I take the trauma she's been through seriously so I won't be rushing her healing, it's not as realistic that way in my opinion.

She's riddled with a lot of angst and emotions and I'm just so grateful that Steve is there for her, he doesn't try and change her mind or sway her into thinking something different, he knows how hard this is for her. He can sense it. <3 Their bond in incredible and I'm so here for the slow burn of their friendship and relationship!!!

Can we just say how adorable it is that Thor is offering to return home to his mom and see if she knows anything about the ringmaster's instruments?

I have an idea for where this is going... EEEEP SO SO SO THRILLED FOR THIS STORY! (AND SEQUELS)I really do want Merida one day to travel to Asgard and see his home. She's be so excited to see all the magic there! :-)

Thank you all for being patient with these uploads and sticking with this amazing, magical story.

Shameless plug - I have a new Frank Castle fanfic I posted this week. Elizabeth Olsen is the faeclaim for the OC. If you're into Punisher, go check it out! 🔥

I love you all 3000! ❤