Jamie

People need comfort. They need to feel it, they need to show it.

People need to be held when they're sad, and hold others in times of need.

People need to rejoice with their family when they're happy, and celebrate with their friends when they acheive something.

Everyone needs human touch. It's what we crave.

Through lust, need, joy, pain. People need comfort; they need to feel like they are not alone.

I glance at the people around me. All sad, but not really mourning. They are all just wondering about what is next. What they have to do later that day. How unfortunate it is for us, but silently thankful that it isn't them.

I look at all the people in black. This funeral has probably been the farthest thing from their minds. They were probably concerned with what their outfits would be or who would be here.

I look at them.

I see their perfect families.

I see fathers.

I want to cry.

I wish to be anywhere else.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. The silent grieving, the people dressed in black, the hugs and kisses from people I don't know.

I just want my dad.

I try to listen as speeches are said about him but I am unable to focus on anything anyone is saying. I just feel empty. I feel alone.

I feel the slight pulse of Noah's hand on mine and am silently grateful. I keep having to tell myself that I won't push him away, I won't keep him out because I am finding it harder and harder to let him in. He tries so hard to make me happy and be there for me but that's not what I need right now. He doesn't realize that him treating me like that, him sympathizing for me, is just making me feel weak. It is like he has to tiptoe around me and is careful with everything he says which doesn't feel real to me. Our relationship feels fake. Like everything we built, everything we went through, doesn't mean anything. As soon as it gets hard we convert back to awkward nothingness.

"Are you alright?" he whispers to me.

I shrug, "what do you mean?"

"You just look zoned out. It'll be your time to speak soon, are you sure you can do it?"

I internally shudder at his question. I don't want him to have to walk on eggshells around me. I don't want him to treat me like a fragile piece of glass. A being that might break at any given time.

I nod, "yeah. I'll be fine."

Noah looks at me and gives a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes.

I know he is trying. I know this is hard and I am not making it easy for him. But what I went through, what I'm going through, is absolutely devastating for me. I can't think about what it must be like for him because I am stuck wallowing in my own grief.

"... he was a really great man. He will be forever missed." I hear Nathan (my dad's business friend) say, finishing up his farewell speech to my father.

"He truly will," comments the priest at the front, taking his place once again at the altar. "and now we will hear from Jamie Winters. Jamie, are you ready?"

Tired of hearing that question, I nod my head, walking silently up to the stand.

Taking my place in front of everyone, I take a deep breath and begin.

"Everyone here knew this man named David Winters as a successful man. A happy person whom everyone adored. I knew him, simply, as dad. He was the definition of brave. He battled a disease that takes even the most heroic of lives. He was my dad, I loved him. I still love him. I will forever love him. Even when he is gone. Because he isn't gone. Not really. He is still here, in our hearts, in our minds. He is still here. No matter how much I - we, miss him, we have to remember that sadness is not what he would have wanted. We have to love him but we have to remember to love ourselves. I'm sorry daddy, I love you so much and I already miss you. I won't say goodbye because it isn't goodbye yet. So, I'll see you again one day. I love you. I'm sorry." I finish, choking on tears. I look at his casket once more and slowly walk to my seat.

Noah's arm is around mine, but I don't feel it. I don't feel anything anymore.

//

Aww I nearly cried writing that speech, I'm so sorry this chapter has taken so long to complete. I'm also sorry for the sad chapter...
If everyone could do me a huge favour and check out my new book 'stay' and possibly make a cover for it that would be amazing! I've really been working hard on that book and I'm very excited for it:)
Thank you!
Max<3