Writing is a funny thing. Especially when you try to include various conditions, mental illnesses, and disorders to not only keep things realistic (like my characters developing trauma from what they've been through), but also to represent things that aren't usually shown in media. And you do extensive research to make sure you portray these things correctly. And then later, you start to notice things in yourself. And you think, "Oh, shit."

This was me back in 2016 when I noticed symptoms of anxiety in myself due to researching it for Matthias from Caged. I realized that what I experienced wasn't "normal nerves". However, I didn't do anything about it until I started therapy in July 2018.

And this time Laura Fairer has helped a lightbulb go off in my head. And also a little bit of Vera Pérez.

So, back in 2022 I think ? I was talking to my therapist in a usual appointment. I don't remember exactly what it was about, but she paused and then said, "I'm going to ask you a series of questions" and I was like oh GOD. As soon as she asked the first one, I was like "this is an ADHD questionnaire isn't it"

And yup! It was.

My therapist isn't a psychiatrist, so she can't do formal testing, so she referred me to this one place. But my anxiety formed a block in me and I literally could not make myself book an appointment. And it was like that for TWO YEARS. Until now.

I decided that I wanted to take the plunge and actually book an appointment before my most recent session with my therapist. I also brought up something that had been lingering in my mind for a while now— autism. She said, "I usually don't bring it up unless my clients specifically mention it, but yes, I can see that for you." I've been seeing her for 6 years so I trust her.

So she helped me find a new place (the old one doesn't do testing anymore) and I actually made an appointment! The first one is like an intro session where the doctor will get to know me and stuff. Then the second appointment is the actual testing and that takes ~3 hours. THEN comes the final appointment, which is after they've analyzed all the data and written up a big report about the results. My therapist said, "Us neurodivergents can get really excited about data, so that's usually exciting for people" and I laughed because the idea of a report about how my brain works DID make me excited.

It's weird because I have extensive history of autism and ADHD/ADD in my family, so I always knew what they were growing up, but the lightbulbs never went off for me. Maybe it's because one of my cousins is Level 3 (mostly nonverbal) so I associated autism with that because there wasn't the language of "levels" back in the early 2000s and autism was still "hush hush." Plus we lost contact with that relative when I was 8 so I never had time to learn, and I didn't realize that other family members were diagnosed with it until pretty recently.

You would think that doing my research for Laura (who does have autism though she doesn't receive a diagnosis until she's an adult because the 70s/80s did not recognize it) would've made some lightbulbs go off in my head. But no. Once again, it was a delayed thing.

I actually started to consider it based on my older cousins' discussions of autism and (y'all might hate me for this one) TikTok. I somehow got a bunch of videos about neurodivergence on my fyp and was like "Wait... autism can look like THAT?"

I thought I would share some of the things about myself that made I have since flagged as potential signs of neurodivergence:

— I have always been very sensitive to loud sounds. As a kid, even as old as 8, I would sob the entire way through a fireworks show or live music at a church festival. I still hate fireworks to this day and only enjoy live music when I'm at a concert (I think it's because I'm choosing to be there, I enjoy the artist, and I can prepare for it).

— I am sensitive to textures. If I feel a "bad" texture I usually have to touch a "good" texture to make the icky feeling go away. My food can't mix on my plate. I have to eat one thing and finish it before I move onto another (for example, I will eat all of my broccoli before moving onto potatoes).

Last year at a family Christmas party, I had a plate with pierogi and mashed potatoes on it. Whoever made the gravy didn't thicken it so it was literally as thin as water, so it spilled all over the plate instead of staying on the potatoes, thus saturating my pierogi (and the side of sour cream) in gravy. I had to fight to eat it. I was on the verge of tears the whole time.

— In face to face conversations, I spend almost the whole time wondering if I'm making the appropriate amount of eye contact, and sometimes miss the things people are saying because I'm worrying too much about it.

— My hyper focus can be insane. I can do something while ignoring bodily needs or my surroundings without even realize it.

Another example: when I was 12, our science teacher was absent, so we had a substitute one. We had assigned work and I was in the back, just minding my own business and completing it. I was oblivious to this one girl riling up the teacher, the teacher screaming and crying, and a bunch of my classmates getting in trouble. To this day, I don't know how I didn't notice😭

— I have sensory overload very easily. I could be chilling at home and the sound of the air conditioning is too loud and suddenly I am a bitch and have to go lie down because nothing else will fix it except for turning myself off and then back on.

— I hyperfixate on things. When I do, I learn everything I can about The Thing and do nothing else but think about The Thing. Back when it was The 100, I had an encyclopedic knowledge of the show— you could give me an episode number and I'd be able to tell you the episode name and what happened.

I didn't have the "usual" childhood hyperfixations that you hear about autistic people having (such as dinosaurs, bugs, etc) but I'm starting to suspect if mine was just Selena Gomez because I used to know literally everything about her to the point where it was scary. Kids at school used to make fun of me for it lmao. And then I think that morphed into One Direction, which happened to be popular so it was fine. Or honestly it could have been Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses bc I used to watch it like once a week.

— If I hear a sound I don't like or feel something I don't like, I do the full-body cringe where it looks like my neck snapped. This can be caused by someone chewing or something.

— I forget things easily, but it's mostly tasks. My dad will ask me to do something and I'll say okay, and then I just don't remember. It can be very frustrating; my parents have gotten very upset at me throughout my life for not remembering to do things even if I write it down.

— I didn't think I missed social cues, but looking back on it, I feel like I have accidentally hurt people through this.

Recently, I had a conversation with a cousin who is the same age as me. He was saying how he was going on a date with one of his friends bc they thought they might have a connection. He's had a girlfriend and dates before. I tried to make a self deprecating joke like "ha ha! You're still doing better than me!" (I have not gone on a date or had a significant other, or even been asked to a school dance). But I may have overshot it and sounded like I was making it all about me because he texted me later and said "she stood me up if it makes you feel any better" and I was like wait, SHIT. So I apologized profusely. (Note: I didn't immediately say the joke, I expressed excitement for him and we talked about it for a little while before I said it.)

— I am always fidgeting. Bouncing my leg at 120mph. Twisting jewelry. Running my tongue over the roof of my mouth until it starts to hurt. Scratching/rubbing at my neck & shoulders. Picking at my nails. Picking at my eyebrows.

— I love routines. If someone disrupts my routine, I get pissed. Same with changing plans. My anxiety spikes when these things happen. When I worked at the dog place and would be cleaning something as a dog was called to go home, I would be irritated that I had to stop mid-task.

— Lots of intrusive thoughts (and no, I don't mean impulsive thoughts like throwing an egg at the wall. I mean intrusive ones that can be quite disturbing) but this could be due to my other host of issues.

— I procrastinate things, even super important things, though it causes me significant stress to do it. It feels like I physically cannot do The Thing because there is a block in my way. I do this with having to refill medication a lot and I've endured horrible withdrawal symptoms because of it.

— Realized I vocally stim a lot. My go-to is murmuring or humming. But one time it was "🎶Bitch I said what I said🎶" from Doja Cat's "Paint the Town Red" so ???? 😭 It brought me comfort and security when I said it, though I didn't realize it at that moment.

— My normal posture is having one leg crossed over the other like a child who really has to pee. I also do T-rex arms while standing normally.

— I love the floor. I will actively choose the floor instead of a sofa/chair. If I do sit on a sofa/chair, I usually do so curled into a ball. It makes me uncomfortable to sit normally.

— I do happy hand flaps. Mostly when I get really excited.

— I almost always have a blanket on my lap or a stuffed animal to squish/hug. Helps me feel grounded.

— When I am feeling stressed, I sort things. It makes me feel in control. I love to sort.

Those are all of the things I've noticed for now, but I'm going to keep track of any new ones I think of in my journal. And I'll definitely keep you updated on how the testing goes (my initial appointment is at the end of the month) so fingers crossed everything goes well and I don't become too overpowered by anxiety !!!!

Here are some text posts/memes I Highly Relate To and also address some of the things on that list:

Okay byeeeee