I had some pretty iconic professors this semester and decided to make notes of the chaotic things they said, and then share them all here because #comedy.

For obvious reasons I'm not going to post their names, but I will include which class it was for, their pronouns, and other important context.

BRITISH RENAISSANCE LITERATURE
he/him

— "A 45 year old man should not be twerking on me."

— "RATS! Shucks. Sorry for the strong language today."

— I'm a Gen X-er and let me just say, we FUCKING INVENTED — oops I'm sorry I should not have said that I'm so sorry I got too passionate for a moment there—"

— "It's 'cringey' as the kids say."

— "I would like some Edmund Spenser fanfiction about this lion in the story. Some backstory, maybe. Extra credit?"

— Me: "I like your tie, Professor"
Prof: "Oh... thank you! This is one of those articles of clothing where you look in your closet and you're like... do I even own this?"

— Student: *points out mistake in his PowerPoint*
Prof: *Walks toward the door* "Thank you and goodnight" *Leaves*

— Prof: "Does it make you happy to read from Spenser?"
Student: "It makes me wanna die"
Prof: ".... That's a no"

— "Spoiler alert: I will not be grading your papers on a Friday night. I'm gonna be at the club, so..."

— "Let's change the tone radically to despair!"

— "We're all sinners — who gives a shit?"

— "We die at least once a day — I'm sorry, you're all college students — we all die at least 3 or 4 times a day."

— "An apple is not fruit one uses to seduce. Maybe a plum. Or a mango."

— "What's a better reason to fall? Being tempted by Satan, or ooooh tasty fruit yum yum?"

— *Our reading mentions "an agéd tree"*
Prof: We have one of those in our front yard ... kinda worried about it ...
Prof: It got struck by lightning like a month ago...
Prof: A few houses down, a tree fell on someone's house, so, it sucks to be them
Prof: But it's gonna happen any moment now

— "Not to sound basic, but this is just good writing."

— "It's much more evocative, much more vivid, than your standard-ass simile."

— "When we get to ass worship—"

— Prof: "I'm upset that nobody is laughing at this amazing pun right here."
Me: "Oh, I thought it was a typo."

— "I don't know why I just used a stoner accent."

— "So imagine two rams barreling into each other *rams knuckles together* ow."

— "She vomits ....... yummers"

— "I don't think this is a word, but it sounds cool."

— "Spenser skips describing the waist, but not the butt!"

— "So Arthur is there, Redcrosse Knight is there, and they're like 'Ew, gross!'"

— "That's a pretty tasty gig."

— "Do you hate the rich? I hate the rich. Why? Because I'm not rich."

— "You're a crusty dude."

— "Frankly I've been killing it as Bosola so far, so I'm gonna keep reading as him, but if anyone wants to volunteer to be Ferdinand..."

— "That's a nice collar, there. It's a shame those went out of style."

The type of collar in question:

— "That's some kickass alliteration right there."

— "Road Runner was such a jerk."

— "Does anyone wanna answer? Ooh, lots of hands! A professor's dream!"

— "Darn it, I forgot to bring my quilt."

— "I love bees! :)"

— "Anyone have a noose on them?"

— "And then, *strangled noise* BLEGGH"

— "Which one of y'all wants to read for Ferdinand? I'm not even Southern, I just like saying 'y'all.'"

— "He's ... feeling himself? Is that what the kids say nowadays? Evidently not, by the way you're all staring at me. HE'S CONFIDENT, OKAY."

— "I've always wanted to name a pet after a literary character, so I named one of my cats Una. It would've been really cool if I had one named [the foil of her character] and they had opposite personalities, but my other cat is just named Manny, so..."

— "I love the word 'sponger.' You don't hear it a lot, but it's a great word."

— "The Oxford English Dictionary is so fun."

— "I'm not as graceful as a bird, but you get the point."

— "Can anyone here cry on command? Well, I guess with the state of the world today, you're all on the verge of a breakdown at any given moment."

— "That would be a fun assignment: Weep on command for 5 extra credit points."

— "How do you get out of a phone conversation? It's hard to do aside from saying, 'My house is on fire, I have to go.'"

— "Let me put it this way, if you've been going on and on for 46 lines while naked and begging this woman to please take off her clothes too, that's not exactly game."

— "You know what's not a word but I'm making it one because it sounds cool? SUBCONCEIT."

— "This isn't just random-ass Renaissance misogyny."

"I'm a bit of a John Milton fanboy."

INDIGENOUS LITERATURE OF NORTH AMERICA
she/her
Important context: She belongs to the Choctaw Native American tribe

— "If have a title IX issue, don't go to Chad, the chairperson, go to the Dean of Students because you will get actual help. I fucking hate Chad."

— "New classroom rule: nobody is allowed to make fun of Taylor Swift."

— "I really liked science and then they were like 'Here's some math' and I was like 'No thanks!'"

— "I'm canceling class on Thursday for purely selfish reasons: I don't feel like teaching two days before my wedding."

— "Sometimes my tribal elders really make me want to fight them."

— "I'm just that weird lady who forages from people's gardens as I walk by and is very enthusiastic about corn."

— "I'm not a huge fan of cats, so of course they flock to me."

— "I taught my children how to sage and now I've opened Pandora's Box because now they just want to postpone bedtime by cleansing their rooms from the monsters and I can't just say NO."

— "When I had to do my Biology reading, I would literally place my M&Ms on the page and do my little rodent way of motivating myself."

— "This is why I should not be writing discussion questions at the doctor's office. My b."

— "I am not annotating SHEE—YIT when I'm reading for pleasure."

— "Poetry is like the crossfit of literature."

— "Two eagles showed up to our wedding ceremony and my partner was like 'HOLY SHIT YOU WERE RIGHT' and I was like 'See what happens when you marry a Native person?'"

— "My partner told me I can only point out up to four racist comments at the family dinner and I was like THAT'S NOT ENOUGH."

— "This isn't racism that can be worked out in the span of, like, a few hours. This is ... advanced racism."

— "My dad is just this Native guy with long hair, a serious face, and a knife always in his pocket that he insists can help with any situation."

MODERN AMERICAN LITERATURE
she/her

— Student: "How are you today, Professor?"
Prof: "AAAHHH"

— "At one point in undergrad, I went through a phase where I decided I had to underline EVERYTHING in glitter gel pen for some reason, so this book is just full of that."

— "I'm fully against school getting in the way of crafting time."

— "Fuckin' wolves are genuine as shit."

— "Sometimes I feel like a cat with half of a dead bird that I'm just showing you guys."

— "You will get several paragraphs of feedback from me, which is absurd and bananas, but it will HELP YOU!"

— "That shit is supernatural as fuck!"

— "I will share the flyer with you guys, and you, too, will be able to appreciate the glory that is the ham in the woods."

— "Please come to the English department picnic tonight! It combines two of my least favorite things: being outdoors and partying."

— "This is where you might have to pause and dick with it a little bit."

— "We bought my daughter a pack of mechanical pencils because she's easily pleased because she's six."

— "So yeah, now our house is full of dismembered mechanical pencil pieces."

— "I just want to know what the person who wrote the syllabus in August was smoking when she wrote it."

— "Alright, fuck the projector."

— "Sorry, that thought sounded smarter in my head than it did when it came out of my mouth."

— "I'm gonna be honest with you guys, I am not the most sophisticated reader of poetry."

— "Not to mansplain Google to you, but it's a search engine."

— "Please excuse my flagrant misuse of the word 'indeed', but I'm tired and that's the only word I can come up with."

— "I would bring a piece of roadkill in here if I thought it would help teach you guys something."

— "I'm going to try to spell this right and I'll probably end up being wrong."

— "I don't have a coin to flip and I can't exactly flip a credit card."

— "I once dropped a couch on myself."

— "I'm just going to assume that our other classmates have gotten trapped in whatever Bermuda Triangle is happening cosmically today."

— "I got all the way here and then realized I left my phone in my car, and on my way to go get it, I saw [my British Lit professor], who had also forgotten his phone in his car, so I have no idea what sort of strange forces are at work, but this day is bonkers. And it's only 9am."

— "These are like those video games I can't play because they're too twitchy. Not that I'm good at any video games."

— "I've reached Sarah Palin levels of not-caring."

— "I solved one problem today, but I'm sure I will create dozens of others."

— "I'm going to pretend like I know how to spell this word..."

I hope you enjoyed this chaos !!! I am very sad to say that I will not be having any of these legends next semester and will have to deal with entirely different professors. I do hope that they'll be as entertaining as these ones were🤍