Hi lol it's been a minute!! I haven't had much to talk about... or much going on, really. I've just been waking up, *static noises*, and then going to bed.

I wanted to talk about something more personal— something that I'm not necessarily comfortable announcing to all of my followers yet on my message board. I feel like those of you who read this are my friends and I'm comfortable with you guys, especially because it's mostly the same people who read these dumb rants and OKAY this wasn't supposed to turn into a tirade about how much I love you guys but here we are.

Anyways, so, earlier this year, I did some soul-searching. I can't remember exactly why this started, but I ended up digging deeper into the realm of asexuality, aromanticism, and the other sexualities that are similar. I'd of course done research because my OC, Cassian, is aroace (and Ilyas is aromantic but that hasn't been touched on in SOLS yet) but instead, this was for personal reasons, not for my OCs.

I wouldn't say that it's something I've been consciously struggling with for my entire life. I wasn't even truly aware of the depth of my feelings until very recently (this past year). But I feel like my research made everything make sense.

I've never been in a relationship, gone on a date, or even had my first kiss and now I'm in my 20s. My parents were high school sweethearts, so I felt a lot of pressure to have that same experience. So I joined theater and met some guys who became my friends (my high school was all girls but our theater program partnered with the all-boys school nearby), and ... nothing! It was like everyone else around me was getting into relationships, especially within our theater group, but none of that was happening to me.

Then, I graduated high school and moved on to college. And I was like, okay, maybe THIS is the time. And I did meet some guys in my residence hall, but then Covid hit and everything shut down. Now I'm almost done with my degree and literally nothing has changed.

A bit of background info for this next part: My friend group in high school was pretty large. Some of us were acquaintances, some were closer to each other than others, and we all had our own sub-groups of like 3-4 within that large group, but the entire thing was fairly big. Like 14+ people (not saying girls because one of them is non-binary and another is a trans guy, but we all identified as female at the time and keep in mind that my high school was supposed to be for girls. OKAY).

So in this big friend group, we'd have a lot of sleepovers because a large group = lots of birthdays and lots of sleepovers. Sometimes during these sleepovers, we'd have deeper discussions about relationships and sexuality and stuff. And I remember when they all started talking about self-pleasure and I was just there like 🧍‍♀️ I WAS THE ONLY ONE OUT OF ALL OF THEM WHO HADN'T DONE IT OR HAD ANY INTEREST IN DOING SO. I remember thinking to myself, "Is there something wrong with me??"

Like at one point I thought I was being called to become a nun (I was raised Catholic) because of this. But now I'm like

So there's a bit of an explanation of my life. Now back to the research I was doing.

I used to think that asexuality and aromanticism had spectrums of attraction because I read that somewhere, but now I've learned that it's not the case. Asexuality is experiencing no sexual attraction and aromanticism is experiencing no romantic attraction. The things that people may misinterpret as "spectrums" are actually entirely different sexualities.

I saw "graysexual" and was like :o I think that me.

So I DUG A LOT MORE, even going to asexuality.org where I went to the forums and read from people who've had my same experiences, and it was like... a breath of fresh air ?? Or realizing that I've been holding my breath all this time, and finally being able to let it out ?? It was just a RELIEF.

My experiences (or lack thereof, I guess) have made me feel like I was lagging behind. Every book, movie, show, comic, and other piece of media will show people having romantic/sexual encounters pretty young. I spent my tween and teen years watching shows like Teen Wolf where each character has multiple love interests and sex is referenced fairly frequently. It's constantly being shoved down our throats whether we realize it or not.

The conversation that my friends were having made me uncomfortable, and I think I have an extremely low libido (sex drive), which has nothing to do with one's sexuality. But it's something I think about a lot because it's what made me feel like I was racing against some nonexistent clock, or that I was wrong somehow. It truly shocked me to learn that I was the only one, because I think about it so little.

I got confused because I think I experience sexual attraction to some celebrities/characters (Lord knows how many times I've said "Rail me") but I was like... I've never really felt that way toward more attainable people. People who aren't famous and 10 years older than me or nonexistent. Just your average crush. And THEN I was even more like :o

I know labels aren't for everyone, but I personally am so grateful that I found out about graysexuality because I feel less alone. It reminds me that there are other people who feel the same way. Maybe this label will change in the future as I get older, but for now, it feels like a warm, fuzzy blanket that's been draped over me after a seemingly unending chill.

I've told a few people, mainly just an IRL friend and a very select few internet friends who I've known a while. So this is the largest audience this news will reach and AAAHH.

Asexuality and aromanticism are part of the LGBTQ+ community, and I know that graysexuality must be as well, but I've felt such a sense of displacement when it comes to being included. I feel like I... don't deserve to? It's hard to explain. I'm curious if I have any aro/ace people reading this who have felt the same way. I just feel like I'm not LGBTQ+ enough and, like I said before, don't deserve to refer to myself with the term. There's a lot of guilt. GAH SEXUALITY IS SO DIFFICULT TO EXPLAIN.

If you know about my Pinterest, you may have seen some graysexuality art in my personal aesthetic board, so I'm gonna share this one because DRAGON.

Also I saw a meme that was like "I'm full of GRACE" and honestly I love that so much.

I'm gonna toss in that I'm kinda bicurious us as well?? Idk if you guys have noticed but my love for Hailee Steinfeld is immense and I think I had a panic when she posted her 2018 Met Gala outfit and my friend was like 👀 And I KNOW she's a celeb and I just talked about attainable people, which is why the curious part is there. Plus I've mentioned in past rants about my conservative father so there may be some internalized stuff there that I need to work out. And many years of toxic Catholic trauma I need to undo. Fun times :)

Thank you guys for reading and for making this a safe space where I can feel comfortable enough to share this very personal self-discovery of mine. I love you guys to the moon and back!! 💜🖤🤍🖤💜 (there isn't a gray heart so just pretend that's what the black is)