My first year of college (prior to it being interrupted by Covid) involved me actually living on campus in a dorm, and let me tell you, I heard some interesting things while being on campus all the time. I wrote them all down in a list throughout the year, so here you go, the weird shit I heard from August 2019 to March 2020:

—"we're honorary members of the black eyed peas"

—"my summer jam is probably big time rush"

—[answers phone] "sup dickhead"

—[walks into dorm] "SUP PUSSY"

—"when i go to class sick just to get an A, i hope my professor knows that he started the black plague."

—"and then i had massive diarrhea—"

—"our brains are wired to forget shit."

—"who the fuck cares, bro?" "our RA will care!"

—[starts drizzling a little bit] "bro it's the fuckin hurricane—" [starts sprinting away] (I LIVE IN THE MIDWEST.)

—"aw man, i wanted to print out the meme i made in class today!"

—"do you ever think about the length of giraffes' necks?" "occasionally"

—"you think i have logic? with the kind of men that i date? no."

—"belch loudly to assert dominance"

—"wanna go on an adventure?" "sure, where?" "i parked in a temporary spot and i gotta move my car, but i drive a really sweet car, sooo..."

—"he made me smoke weed when i was 12"

—"you could have put sexy, daddy, but you put 'sweet man'" "well, now there's nothing, so how does it feel?"

—"i'm HILARIOUS to the gay people"

—"when i used to work at mcdonald's, i would stuff burgers in my pants"

—"my friend's grandma got stabbed"

—[eating in the dining hall] "this is almost as bad as the bland flavor of my depression."

—"she has a baby. like, a child. one hundred percent KID."

—"it is THE most underrated meme i've ever seen."

—[in an overly dramatic british accent] "GET THE FOOK BACK HERE YA FOOKIN QUAT"

—[in a very serious tone] "okay guys, if we were all shakespeare plays, i would be hamlet" "what does that even mean?"

—"do you hear yourself when you speak? like, do you?"

—"are you ready for the speaking test tomorrow in esp-an-YOL?"

—"i felt a little sick but that's probably because i haven't slept in years"

—"you know how some people know SOMETHING? yeah, he doesn't know anything."

—"hey, can you guys tell i dyed my eyebrows?"

—"i don't understand half of the words that come out of his mouth."

—"i can't do it because i'm going to be depressed on monday"

—"um, we're kind of in a traumatic situation right now, so i'm gonna have to say no."

—"...and i always hit the club."

—"things were going okay and then depression set in."

—"i don't want you to end, i just want you to fUCKING WORK— oops sorry for the language."

—"then odysseus got on a ship" "he came back though" "yeah, after 10 years!" "well, when you disrupt the gods...."

—"okay, guys, we're going to get a giant horse. we're going to put soldiers in it. and then we're gonna give it to them as a gift." "it worked though."

—"i don't understand how you're banging instruments and beautiful music comes out."

—"i'm going over this now, so if you get it wrong on the test, i will have no choice but to sacrifice you to the gods."

—"anyways, the point is that he dies sad and alone."

—"i've got the dumbs today. i can't brain." (this was my professor)

—"we're looking at shades. 50 shades. or not."

—"hey guys, let's NOT kill each other."

—[sarcastically] "ohhh, i'm a major in something! respect me!" "i'm a biology major" "yeah but your mom will never love you though."

— "i feel like most biology majors don't know what they're doing most of the time."

—"bro they had to start rationing the quesadillas in the dining hall because of me. they knew i always take like 6 at once so now they're only letting people take one at a time."

—"we dressed her in GARBAGE."

And for the heck of it, here are some miscellaneous things that happened:

—My cousin lived in the same residence hall as me, literally two floors up, so we would hang out sometimes. In November, I got hella feverish and ill within the span of like 3 hours, so he brought me NyQuil (which apparently you can't buy here unless you're 21 but he looks much older than his actual age so he was able to get me some). When he knocked and I opened the door, he just looked at me and said "Well you look terrible."

—There was a massive blizzard where it was snowing so hard that the plows couldn't keep up to clear the pathways around campus or the roads. We were supposed to have a speaker come for my Honors College "Making Discoveries" class but she got stuck in traffic due to the hazardous weather, so they had 200+ kids just chilling in a lecture hall for an hour while playing dubstep music until they finally just let us leave.

—In that same class, the dean of the Honors College would put on the Sonic trailer every single week before class unironically.

—When we switched to online, my Precalc professor had us attend a test lecture to see how WebEx worked and accidentally left the option for us to draw on this blank screen open. Imagine 100+ college students having access to a blank screen and digital markers. Someone wrote "I have AIDS" while another person said "Ayo prof I'm chugging a Redbull wbu" and my professor said "I don't think you should be doing that right now, it's 10:30 pm"

—The power went out throughout ALL of campus on a random Thursday night at 8pm so nobody knew what to do with themselves. People were crowding in the hallways since the dorms were pitch black. My cousin, roommate, and I left to go get Taco Bell in our pajamas.

—I took a women's self-defense class run by the university's police force and learned how to take down a fully-grown man✌🏻 Pro tip for my ladies/non-binary folk with that type of frame: you generate more power if you punch from your navel (belly button area) instead of starting up at your chest!!!

—Someone burned their mac & cheese in their dorm and set off the fire alarm so we all had to go outside in the middle of winter at night. A kid ran around the large group of us gathered across the street, holding his phone above his head and blaring "We Didn't Start the Fire"

—Another time during a fire drill, someone started singing "Sweet Caroline" and there was a chorus of like 500 people screaming "BUM BUM BUMMMMM" but it slowly filtered out because nobody knew all the words

—These guys who lived across from us randomly started fighting in the hallway. My roommate and I heard a THUMP and opened the door to see one of them literally holding the other in a headlock on the ground. Then they got up and went back to their room like nothing happened.

—We got these electric scooters all over campus the week before Covid forced us to shut down. The day after classes were canceled, nobody knew wtf to do so everyone was just riding around on the scooters.

—I was walking to class when I abruptly slipped on a patch of ice and wiped out. I just laid there for a moment before getting up and moving along.

—Halloween was on a Thursday and I had my bio class on M,W,F. During our next lecture the day after Halloween, my professor took out a huge bag of leftover candy and started chucking handfuls of it into the crowd for us to eat. The girl next to me got nailed in the face with a Tootsie Pop and I was like "ow that looked like it hurt but are you gonna eat that?"

—One of the boys living next to me had his own soap company

—My Composition class got canceled for a week because my prof fell down a hill and broke his ankle

—I opened my laptop in class and had forgotten to exit Wattpad before coming to class. I had a friend in that class who was sitting next to me so I immediately shut my laptop, took notes by hand that day, and pretended it died because I was so panicked that I couldn't exit out of the site.

The irony about all of this is that I didn't really do anything for the majority of the year. Like I didn't really make any new friends (I met people in classes and that's it, but we don't talk anymore) or do anything crazy, American universities are just That Weird. You get thousands of kids suffering from student loan debt, tears, etc and this is the result.