my internal monologue is saturated analog it's scratched and drifting I've become attached to the idea it's all a shifting dream
_______
Thomas
_______

It's been a few days since I was allowed to see Newt again. I'm allowed to see him everyday now, which makes me extremely happy.
My daily programme isn't much different from before, but instead of the group classes, I have private ones, private lessons and private therapy.

The worst part is that I still have to eat and sleep in the isolation cell, Doctor Paige says it's too soon to put me back to the normal groups as the others might try and hurt me.
Newt's allowed to come in my cell, at meals times and free periods. He says he doesn't have anyone else to sit with so he may as well stay with me.

Part of me doesn't want him to spend all his time with me in that stupid cell. He could be doing much better things than sitting around in a white box with his criminally insane boyfriend.

"Boo."

I jump at the sound, once I look behind me I see it's Teresa, trying to scare me.
I guess isolation isn't that bad when you've got someone who's always in your head, right?

I mean, she's being less of a stuck up slinthead now, which actually makes her just about tolerable.
Even thought I saw her kill Newt. But she didn't actually. Apparently I was just seeing things. Anyway, it's been a month so I've forgiven her now.

"Did I scare you, Tom?" She cackles, slumping down into the corner.

"No." I mutter, rolling my eyes.

Newt doesn't look up at me breaking the silence. He understands what's going on.
I love him so much, he understands.

"I'll get you next time." Teresa sighs heavily, smoothing out the creases in her black dress.
"Keep telling yourself that."
I mumble, shovelling spoonful of cornflakes into my mouth.

It's unusually quiet today. Newt's not himself.
I mean, he's not exactly loud on a normal day, yet today, the atmosphere seems different. A lot colder, and uneasy.

Glancing up at him, I see he's barely touched his breakfast. The spoon lies neatly on the floor beside the full bowl. He sits with his knees tucked into his chest, hugging them tightly.
It pains me to see that he doesn't look much better than a few days ago when he was high.

He promised.

He promised he'd stop using.

He's kept that promise, I'm sure.

I hope.

His eyes still haven't caught mine, they focus on the harsh floor instead.

"Newt?" I ask, expecting no reply.

"What, Tommy?" Newt slowly meets my eyes, his feelings are impossibly to tell through his voice or facial expression.
It's all blank.

Like he's numb.

"What's the matter?" I whine, moving to his side and wrapping my arms around him.

"Nothing, Tommy. It's fine." He brushes it off, yet not pushing me away.

"It's not fine, though. Don't lie to me, Newt." I sigh, moving away from him a little bit.

"I don't." Newt stammers, "I don't want to tell the truth, because it hurts.", he takes a deep breathe, before taking my hands in his and looking me in the eyes.

"I'm not going to hurt you, Tommy."

It's hurt even more if he doesn't tell me! I won't admit that to him, I don't want him to carry that guilt.

Gulping, I fight back the tears, my hands still enveloped in Newt's.
"If that's what you want-" I pause, struggling to hold back my emotions. "Then that's okay." I press my lips together.

I shuffle closer to Newt again, so we are side by side. I rest my head on his shoulder, glancing over at Teresa who's pulling faces in the corner.
We sit in silence.

Until it's shattered by a knock on the other side of the wall.
Which means breakfast is over, and lessons begin.

"I'll see you later, Tommy." Newt smiles sadly, not making eye contact before walking out.

"He's using again."

"What?" I snap around, to see Teresa, now stood up.

"I know it, you know it. You may not believe it. But you know it." She says far too casually while rolling her eyes.

"No he's not!" I hiss in Newt's defence.

"You'll see. He'll just get worse. Wait and see."
She repeats again and again, as Doctor Paige comes in to take me to my lesson.

"Wait and see."

After two lessons, Newt doesn't come and see me at lunch. I just presume he's still upset from breakfast.

Yet then he doesn't come and see me for free period either.
Maybe he's still upset?

I sit in the cell, Teresa humming softly in the opposite corner.
I miss Newt.

Suddenly the door opens and Doctor Paige steps in, her expression anxious.
"Thomas, please come with me."

She takes me through the several staff corridors, to a door which leads to the gardens. The rain is drumming onto the roof constantly, I can see the large puddles splattered across the garden outside.

"Can you see him?

"Excuse me?" I stammer.

"Newt, can you see him?"

"No, what's going on!" I pace my eyes over and over the view from the window, yet no sign of Newt.

Doctor Paige lifts a finger and points to one of the dense trees that surrounds an area of grass.
"There."

I can see Newt. He's huddling under the tree, curled up as small as he can, hiding from the world.
His wet hair plasters his pale face and his soaked through clothes hang loosely on his skinny frame.

"He's been out there since the end of lunch. During free period, everyone else has gone inside to their rooms. Newt's refusing to move. He's ignoring the staff, even me. We thought we could get you to try, before we have to-" she pauses, the words struggling to escape her lips "before we have to do anything physical."

"Oh, I." I can't find the words.

"Great, off you go, we'll have guards by the door to assist." Doctor Paige rambles, opening the door and practically pushing me through.

I'm already cold with rain dripping from my skin by the time I've reached Newt.

"Tommy?" He looks up, surprised.

"Yeah, erm. Hi." I cringe internally at my awkwardness.

"Go back inside."

"No."

"Go."

"Come with me?" I hold out my shivering hand.

"No, I'm sorry." Newt stares straight ahead, resting his chin on his tucked up knees.

"You'll get sick." I whine, waving my hand closer to him.

Something in Newt just snaps, his whole body language changes, without barely moving a muscle.

"That's the whole shucking point, Tommy! It doesn't matter! I am sick!" He yells.

Taken aback, I hope Newt can't distinguish my tears from the falling rain on my face.

I slowly sit down beside Newt, and take off my white jumper, leaving me with just a t-shirt.
I wrap the jumper around his shaking shoulders, as I can hear his teeth chattering.

To my surprise, he doesn't move, or throw off the jumper.
He just sits there, in silence.

"We're sick, Newt. We're." I speak up.

"I mean, I've killed people. That's messed up, right?" I half laugh at my self-depreciating joke.

"We're sick, yet that's not a bad thing. It doesn't make us any less human. Don't listen to them, those people. They don't understand. You're beautiful. You're the most beautiful sick person, ever. I love you, you've all I've got. We're sick." Tears are now clearly running down my face, while I talk to Newt.

He's doesn't even blink.
Not a sound.
He's numb.
My love's going numb.

I desperately manage to hold back hysterics at this new realisation, and we carry on sitting in silence.
The rain is the only thing to be heard, still pouring down on us.

"My parents sent me a letter. They said if I don't change my attitude and start taking my pills they'll move me somewhere else. Somewhere stricter and harsher. They said I'm sick and I can't come home until I'm cured. And-"
he pauses for breath, all his speech happening in a few seconds.

"And they're coming to visit me. They'll disown me if they find out I'm gay. Or if they find out I've been using. They're coming. Any day now." Newt runs his hand through his hair, letting me take it all in.

"I-" I'm lost for words.
This can't be happening.
My mind is blank until Newt suddenly buries his head into my shoulder, allowing me to wrap my arms around him.

I can hear his crying over the sound of the rain.

-a/n-
Gotta say this is one of my fave chapters idk.
ANYWAY SUPER SORRY THIS BOOK WILL BE ENDING SOON. LOVE YOU ALL. PLEASEEEE LIKE + COMMENT