"Kihyunie~" Minhyuk cooed as he sat with the other members at the dorm table waiting for the meal the shorter had made. "Where's Shownu-hyung? He hasn't been here all afternoon, and he's been staying out later and later every night..." a small frown appeared on the boy's face.

"Yeah." Changkyun agreed. "I tried asking him when he wandered in last night, but he just told me not to worry, and go to bed. Is something going on with him?"

"I'm sure he's fine." Kihyun told them placing their places down in front of them. "He's a grown man he can take care of himself."

He told them that to obviously make them feel better, but he was just as worried, if not more. Shownu had been staying out pretty late for the past few nights, and he would just disappear at ungodly times without telling anyone. Their leader wasn't the type to be irresponsible, and definitely wasn't the type to not tell his members where he was going, specifically knowing how worrisome and somewhat clingy the second youngest Jooheon was, especially to his special hyung. Truth is Kihyun wasn't just worried he was somewhat distraught. He wouldn't be able to sleep until Shownu had come home, and sometimes even after, but still, he tried to put on a brave face for the sake of his other members.

"But Shownu always wants to have meals with us, and he hasn't shown up all week." Wonho mentioned.

Giving an agreeing nod Hyungwon added, "He barely answers his phone too."

"And he's being so secretive..." Jooheon gave a genuine pout. "What if he's getting into trouble, what if he doesn't come home?"

"Jooheon." Kihyun quickly stopped him before the boy's thoughts got the better of him. "Of course he'll come home. You know he loves monsta x practically more than anyone he's not going to throw that away. Now can everyone just try to eat. I'll talk to him when he gets back okay? No need to worry."

-&-

Kihyun was now pacing back and forth in the living room after everyone had gone to bed. He was clutching his phone in his hand debating  if he should call again to probably just hear Shownu's receiver go straight to voicemail. He occasionally would gnaw on his thumb nail out of anxious habit and flinched as he tried to do it again seeing as there was practically nothing left to bite.

Shownu still hadn't returned and it was far past 3 in the morning. He'd never stayed out this late, especially without telling anyone, and Kihyun felt almost sick with worry.

Jooheon's words came to mind.

"What if he's getting into trouble... what if he doesn't come back?"

Kihyun tried to shake the thought away. It wasn't helping, he knew that, yet still he couldn't help but think up a million different horrible things that could have happened to their leader.

His heart sank... he didn't know what to do with himself... sure no matter what he'd be worried for the older male, but truth was, for a while know he'd started to have feelings for him. Stronger then just wanting to be friends. At first he just thought it was a small crush that would go away, but he'd been realizing lately that it'd been growing more and more everyday.

And those feelings definitely didn't make his worriment any better. In fact they just made him feel like his heart was aching on top of everything. When Shownu was away and he knew where he was was bad enough, but not even having the slightest clue made everything so much worse...

He missed him...

He somewhat wondered if it was his fault he was disappearing. He'd noticed that his leader may have caught on a bit to his feelings, despite him never directly saying it to him, and now he wondered if he'd made things awkward and he wanted to be away. But then he felt Shownu had know for quite some time, and this disappearing only started recently.

He was debating going out after him, and maybe, god knows, even calling the police, but suddenly stopped everything he was doing when he heard the front door to their dorm open. He rushed over to the entranceway to see none other than Shownu as he fumbled to get his shoes off.

"Where the Hell have you been??" Kihyun exclaimed mostly in worry, and the slightest amount of relief. "Do you know what time it is?"

"What does it matter..." Shownu mumbled.

"Does it matter?" Kihyun mirrored his question in slight disbelief. "Do you know how hard I had to convince the others to go to sleep? I had to beg Jooheon, and then he still slept in  I.M and Minhyuk's room because he couldn't alone..."

Shownu sighed. "Alright fine I just really don't needed any of your nagging right now..."

"Nagging?" Kihyun scoffed a bit feeling a bit hurt by his words, maybe more than a bit. "Is that all you think of me? Hm? I'm just constantly on your back about stuff? It not like I care right? No, I just want to nag your ears off..."

"Well you know what Kihyun... if the shoe fits." He fumbled a bit grabbing the wall.

Kihyun looked at him slightly disgusted, he now noticed the strong stale stench filling the small area. "Do you seriously think I don't care?!" He felt his anger spike, or maybe it was more hurt that Shownu was acting this way. He never did this, why was he being so cruel? Kihyun almost felt tears form in his eyes but he held them back. "Do you know how worried sick I've been?? I can't even sleep, I waited for you, and now you have the audacity to walk in here drunk off your ass for the third night in a row, and try to pin stuff on me?!"

"So what if I'm drunk, I guess not all of us are perfect!" Shownu snapped back.

Kihyun was slightly taken aback, Shownu rarely raised his voice. The angry man standing in front of him was like a total stranger.

"You should have answered your phone! What if something  happened to you?! What the hell do you expect me to do, to tell the others, if one of these times you don't come back?!" Kihyun tried to sound angry, but a bit of desperateness leaked into his tone.

"What now you expect me to pick up your every phone call, can I not have any privacy??"

"Telling me you're not dead doesn't at all intrude on your privacy!" Kihyun took a step closer to him and suddenly froze. He leaned a bit closer. "Why do you smell like perfume?"

"I don't know what the hell your talking about..." Shownu looked to the side.

"Your smell, at first I thought it was just alcohol, but now I can smell something else..." Kihyun partially gritted. "Why do you smell like woman's perfume??" He was getting more upset now a big wave of jealousy washing in with every other bad emotion sloshing around inside him. He knew he had no right to be upset exactly, but that didn't change the way he felt.

"There was a woman at the club I went to, we hung out so what?" Shownu replied.

It was getting harder for Kihyun to hold back his tears but he managed, swallowing a lump in his throat and licking his lips, letting out a shaker breath as he spoke. "Did you sleep with her?" He tried to sound calm, but he couldn't even look him in the eyes.

Shownu stayed quiet for a while. "Yeah... so what? Just cause I'm an idol I can't?"

Kihyun felt his heart shatter. "You idiot!!" He suddenly shouted, hitting Shownu in his chest with lose fists, not quite hard enough to hurt him, but in a way he seemed not to be able to control. He then stopped resting his forehead against him. "I thought you knew that I..."

"That you what?! And what the hell! You can't tell me how to live my personal life, so what if I hooked up with a girl! You can't tell me you never want anything like that!"

"You're telling me if I went out all night and hooked up with some random person you wouldn't care?!" Kihyun asked.

"No I wouldn't give a shit about you!" Shownu shouted.

Kihyun was taken about by his words and stood there silent for a moment. Nothing anyone had said had ever hurt him more than in that moment. The tears finally broke free. "Fine!" He screamed a little louder forgeting the others were asleep and letting out a few sobs as he tried to suck in some breaths. "Do what you want! Go out till 5 next time! Go dance and do whatever with anyone you want! Go get into trouble and die if you want! Just leave me here, to sit be miserable, and wonder if I'll ever even fucking see you again! Just leave me to wait for you forever, and don't give a shit about me!!" He then quickly turned toward his room and slammed the door shut, locking it behind him.

He slid down the other side of the door and tried to dry his face but more warm tears would just replace the ones he wiped away no matter how much he tried. He tried to muffle his sobs in the sleeves of his sweater, the others were probably shaken up and curious enough. He then got up and laid across his bed crying and hoping he'd eventually just pass out.

-&-

Shownu woke up the next morning in his bed with a massive headache. His mind was clouded, but he started to remember some things from before, particularly the fight he'd had with Kihyun when he came home. He groaned slightly and rolled out of bed the memories only making his head pound worse. He as quickly as he could went to the bathroom getting a glass of water and washing down a few Tylenol. Normally when he was like this Kihyun would make him a special soup that would somehow make the effects of the hangover go away, but he had a feeling that wasn't going to happen this time.

He hung his head with a sigh, silently wishing the pills would work faster. He felt guilty... Kihyun had every right to be angry at him last night, to be furious, but his drunken mind had to go and fuck things up. He was supposed to be their leader after-all what kind of example was he giving if he showed up trashed every night. What's worse is Kihyun had been hiding it all from the others, and now he had pushed away the one person trying to help keep him in line.

He went to leave the bathroom and began to open the door, but stopped when he heard voices walking down the hall.

"Did Kihyunie wake up already?" Minhyuk asked.

"I don't know, but last night after all the yelling, I could hear him. He tried to be quiet, but I'm pretty sure he was crying all night." Changkyun answered.

"Hm." Minhyuk sighed sadly. "I wonder what they fought about..."

"I don't know but I'm sure they'll make up." Changkyun assured him. "Just don't tell Jooheon, it's a miracle he slept through that all last night, and he doesn't need to be distracted by worrying so much..."

Their voices faded as they walked toward the kitchen.

Shownu felt even worse now as he remembered Kihyun bursting into tears last night, the desperateness in his eyes as he tried to knock some sense into him. He knew Kihyun didn't cry often unless it was for something very important to him, and that made him feel like a knife was piercing his heart. He then also remembered things he'd noticed about the boy last night, but didn't process till now, like how dark the circles under his eyes were, or the small amount of dried blood on the nail buds of his thumbs.

He left the bathroom and walked towards the smaller males room, hesitating before knocking.

"Kihyun..." he called quietly waiting for a response before knocking again. "Come on I just want to talk..." when he got no response again he decided to open the door and step inside. The room was empty, bed left unmade with no one in it. Kihyun's charger and phone was not on the bedside table like it always was, and on closer inspection, a large chunk of clothes were missing from his closet as well as the large duffel bag he'd often bring traveling.

Shownu felt a slight panic spark in him and quickly pulled out his phone, selecting Kihyun's contact a dialing it. He waited, it rang three times before he got voicemail. Where the Hell did he go? He tried calling again, but this time it went straight to voicemail.

He felt an internal panic spark inside him. He wondered if he'd chased him away. But where? Kihyun leaving so suddenly... it wasn't like him. And why did he pack his stuff, he wasn't running away was he? He wouldn't leave the group just because of him...right?

He decided he wouldn't chance it and quickly left the boy's room headed straight to the front door.

"Oh Shownu-hyung you're back- hey! Where are you going now??" Jooheon asked as he passed the rest of the group in the living room.

"I'll be back and I'll explain later, just call me if Kihyun contacts you okay?" And like that he was out the door.

-&-

Shownu had practically searched all over Soul for Kihyun. He when to all his favorite restaurants and coffee shops, to the park, art galleries, music stores, hotels, you name it, but the boy was nowhere to be seen. He'd ran into a few fans along the way and asked if they'd seen him, but they hadn't. They giggle joking about how they lost him again, and Shownu played along so they wouldn't have to worry. Truth is he really did loose him, and he was starting to believe he wouldn't be able to get him back.

Suddenly his phone rang. He excitedly got it out, hoping Kihyun was calling, and was only mildly disappointed to see it was Changkyun.

"Hello." He answered letting out a deep breath.

"Hey Hyung, are you still wondering where Kihyun is?" The deep voice on the other end asked.

"Yes, why did you figure it out?" He asked expectantly.

"Yeah, He went back home. Like home home, to visit his parents. Apparently he'd been meaning to plan the trip. The manager approved and everything, said he'd be gone for no more than a week." The maknae explained.

Shownu let out another exhale this time in relief. Thank god...He wasn't leaving. Still, a week? He couldn't wait that long to talk to him. "Listen I know I said I'd be back later, but there's something I have to do, tell the others I'll be back, it may be a couple days okay?"

"Um sure." Changkyun stated before pausing for a second. "Just be careful okay?"

"I will, thanks." The leader replied.

"And say hi to Kihyun's parents for us." A playful tone now overtook the younger's voice.

Shownu felt a small smile tug at his lips. "I will, bye."

-&-

Shownu stood outside Kihyun's family home and watched the front for a bit feeling nervous. What was he supposed to say? 'Hey I took the train all the way here to see you after treating you horribly.' And what if his parents answered the door that would be more awkward. It was late now, they'd probably already eaten dinner together... he was so lost in his thoughts he didn't even hear the footsteps approaching from his side.

"Shownu-hyung?"

Shownu jerked his head toward the voice to see Kihyun standing on the sidewalk, a few plastic bags on his arm, and a surprised look on his face.

"What the heck are you doing here?" He didn't sound angry, more like in disbelief.

"I uh... I came to see you." Shownu replied.

Kihyun stared at him a moment before sighing and looking away. "I thought you didn't give a shit about me..."

"What, no I didn't mean that- just." Shownu sighed as well seemingly in defeat. "I was drunk... can we just talk?"

Kihyun looked at him a moment before nodding. "Fine." He then opened the gate to his yard. "Come on in." He then closed the gate behind both of them. "Oh god, you reek. Did you not get changed out of your clothes from last night?"

"No I spent all day looking for you." Shownu replied.

"Alright well come inside and take a shower first, I think I can find some of my dad's clothes that'll fit you." The smaller boy told him crinkling his nose.

Shownu still felt a little awkward he didn't really know how to start talking to him, so he just bowed slightly and muttered, "thank you."

-&-

After finishing his shower, Shownu wandered into the living area to see him with his parents.

"Oh Hyunwoo, I'm so glad you came to visit us!" His mother greeted happily. "But you missed dinner, do you want me to make you something."

"I'm fine thank you." Shownu replied politely.

"We always tell Kihyun to bring you guys around more, but he never does." His father added.

"That's because we're busy dad." Kihyun rolled his eyes, but in a playful manner.

"Oh I know, but you really should bring them around every now and then. Especially such a handsome young man." She praised Shownu touching his face a bit.

"Alright." Kihyun sighed interrupting the moment. "It getting late and Shownu and I have to talk about work stuff so, mom dad, goodnight."

"Oh okay, but don't stay up too late I'll prepare breakfast for you tomorrow morning okay?" She directed the question toward Shownu.

He simply smiled. "Yes thank you ma'am." He then bowed. "Goodnight." He stated before quickly being dragged away by Kihyun.

Once in Kihyun's room said smaller male let go of him and closed the door behind him. "Sorry about them, they've always been kinda obsessed with my friends."

"It's okay." Shownu smiled. "I like how caring they are."

Kihyun nodded before clearing his throat. "Are you still hungover?"

"No." Shownu replied. "It went away a couple hours ago. I didn't notice it much before anyways."

"Really?" Kihyun asked turning to his dresser and putting some of the things he'd packed away. His face remained expressionless. "How come?"

"I was too busy looking for you. I was worried you'd run away." Shownu explained.

Kihyun paused a moment, but didn't look at him, nor did his emotionless persona falter. "Last night you said you didn't care about me."

"Kihyun..." Shownu stepped closer to him, taking his hand and gently turning the smaller to face him. "You know I didn't mean it."

Kihyun kept his eyes to the ground still refusing to look at him. "Then why'd you say it?"

"I was drunk, I didn't mean practically anything I said." Shownu assured him. "Of course I care about you."

"I was just worried you know..." Kihyun finally looked at him he seemed to be holding back tears again. "You were going out so late, and drinking so much. You wouldn't tell any of us where or why. You can't blame me for thinking something bad could happen...I just don't know what's going on with you." he swallowed a lump in his throat. "It hurt so much... when you accused me of not caring about you...I know I'm not always good at expressing myself, but you know, when you're away... I feel so miserable. All I want is to see your face, or at least hear your voice... I called you so many times and you didn't answer... do you know how much pain that caused me?" He looked away again as the tears slowly started to fall with each sentence, he tried to pull his hand away to turn around, but Shownu just held it tighter.

"Kihyun..." Shownu pulled him close, using his other hand to wipe some of the tears off the younger's face. "I'm sorry, I know you care about me. I know everyone does. I'm sorry I made you worry and I'm sorry I hurt you. But you know I care about you and monsta x so much. You know I love you." He pulled him into a hug.

Kihyun stopped pulling away and let him embrace him. "You're so stupid..."

"I know." Shownu answered.

"You completely discarded all my feelings, and jeopardized Monsta X..." he added.

"I know." Shownu stated hugging him closer.

"I shouldn't forgive you..." Kihyun told him.

"Maybe you shouldn't..." Shownu stated.

Kihyun let him hug him for a bit longer before pulling away, he wiped his face seeming to no longer be crying. "But I do... But if you ever ever pull some shit like that again I really will run away."

"I promise I won't. I'm sorry." The older stated one more time.

Kihyun let out a sigh. "And did you really think I would run away from monsta x just like that? Who the hell do you think I am?" He suddenly scolded.

Shownu let out a slightly amused chuckle. "You're right, I'm sorry."

"You don't have to keep saying that. I already said I forgave you..." Kihyun trailed off.

Shownu smiled at that. "I know, thank you." He hugged him again, this time the smaller returning the embrace, before they both eventually pulled away.

"There's one more thing you were upset about that I didn't apologize for." Shownu then stated.

Kihyun gave him a strange look. "What?"

"The woman. I slept with her." He replied.

Kihyun suddenly appeared upset again and looked away. "Yeah well... I was in the wrong there, you were right you have the right to do that and I can't tell you otherwise..."

"But it still hurt you... seemingly more than the rest." Shownu printed out.

Kihyun was quiet for a bit, he shuffled awkwardly where he stood. "Yeah well... you know how I feel about you... don't you?"

"I've had suspicions." Shownu answered honestly. "That's part of the reason I went out drinking."

Kihyun flinched at the response, feeling like his worst nightmare just came true. So I was making him feel uncomfortable...

"You see... I was just feeling... trapped." The older explained. "Like there was so much pressure on me just because I'm an idol. I can't have fun in public... or date someone when I catch feelings for them..."

The shorter looked back at him feeling slightly shocked and even more confused.

"At first when I suspected you had feelings for me, I thought about it deeply for a while, but I realized that we're not aloud to date anyways, but now... I don't care. We can keep it secret if we have to, but I realized that when I thought you were gone... I was miserable too. I kept thinking why the hell am I letting the industry or society keep me from something so amazing and beautiful? Why don't we deserve to be happy and to live our dream? I just don't care anymore."

"Wh-What are you saying?" Kihyun asked.

"I didn't want to sleep with that woman, but my constant need for restraint around you, made me feel the need to find an outlet somehow, even if it was unhealthy." Shownu told him. "But I don't want to do that anymore." He took Kihyun's waist pulling him closer and leaning down a bit.

Kihyun felt like all words caught in his throat and he was left speechless, he instinctively placed his hands on Shownu's chest and shoulder to keep himself from bumping into him. He felt his skin rush with exhilaration at the fact their bodies were pressed together, and he couldn't help but let his eyes linger over the older's handsome face.

Shownu then leaned down and kissed him, softly, but drawn out, pulling him forward lightly and he pulled away and separated his lips. He opened his eyes again, staring into Kihyun's, their lips still only centimeters apart. "I want to hear you say it." He spoke softly.

Kihyun was still in a daze and barely processed the request, but managed to semi-breathlessly answer. "S-say What?"

"How you feel about me." The taller clarified.

Kihyun hesitated, but couldn't deny the way his hyung was looking at him. "I like you... Hyunwoo."

Shownu smiled slightly at the response but then spoke again, Kihyun feeling his warm breath against his face. "Just like?" He moved his arms around his waist more, pulling him close and leaning their foreheads together.

"I love you..." the younger whispered so quietly he probably wouldn't have heard if they weren't so close.

Shownu's smile expanded slightly and he leaned down to press their lips together once again.

Kihyun closed his eyes feeling as Shownu's lips seemed to perfectly envelope his own. He moved his arms around his neck and stood on his toes slightly pulling himself up closer to him.

Shownu pulled away only a bit so their lips were only touching slightly and paused before feeling Kihyun lean up into him and kiss him again. He let him kiss him for a moment before tuning his head and taking dominance once again, deepening the kiss as he moved Kihyun's perfect lips more into his mouth, tasting the slightly sweetness of his mouth.

They then both pulled away slowly, Kihyun moving back to stand flat on his feet as he opened his eyes to look up at his hyung. He couldn't help but feel a small smile tug at his lips as well, moving away from him slightly, but keeping his arms secured around his neck.

Shownu smiled back, letting his hands gently rest in the younger's hips. "I love you too Kihyun."

~Bonus~

Kihyun and Shownu laid next to each other in Kihyun's bed watching out the window at the silver moon in the sky, the slight light shining off of it stretching over both of them. Shownu had his arms around the younger as they felt the slightly cool breeze blow across them.

"We'll tell the others okay, but then we have to keep it a secret... that we're together I mean." Kihyun looked back to his hyung.

Shownu nodded. "I know, but don't blame me if monbebe start to catch on. I can't always control the way I look at you."

Kihyun chuckled lightly. "Just as long as you stay away from anymore random women. I don't care if you're horny or not don't go searching for them."

Shownu suddenly smiled a little. "So are you saying if I'm in the mood I should just look for you instead." He moved his face into the crook of the younger's neck sniffing and lightly brushing his nose against it.

Kihyun tried to hold back his laughs but couldn't. "Knock it off. Hyung~ stop it, that it tickles."

Shownu pulled away looking him in the face. "It got you to smile though."

Kihyun sighed a little. "Do it again and I'll kill you."

Shownu smiled like he didn't believe him, he rolled on top of him slightly and then used his lips this time to brush against the smaller s neck.

Kihyun laughed a little louder that time. "Shownu-hyung~!" He complained.

Shownu stopped chuckling a bit as he laid back down pulling him closer into his arms, mostly to restrain him from hitting him.

Kihyun indeed wanted to hit him, but felt tired so he instead buried his head into the taller's chest, feeling it rise and fall slightly as he took long breaths, and felt himself slowly fall asleep.

Hey guys, yeah I know it's been so long, but I've had no time at all. Sorry! Also I was listening to the BTS World soundtrack while writing that kissing scene, and it was Jin's theme Dream, and like it just made it feel more magical. Thought I'd share. Anyway I hope you liked this extra long oneshot. I wanted to touch a little on how hard it would be to have feeling for someone as an idol who obviously has dating restrictions, so I hope you liked the slightly different subject. I just wish they could live freely, but hey one step at a time I guess. Anyways tell me what you thought of the oneshot, vote and comment, bye!
~Hannah😋