Giran: he didnt commit any flashy crimes, but-

Dabi: am I a joke to you?

.

Tomura: so let's tell each other are deepest, darkest, secrets. I'll go first. I hate you.

.

Twice, pulling out a flask: you want some?

Giran: sure.

Giran, taking a sip: is this soup? What the fuck―

.

Kurogiri: I can't believe none of you wished me happy fathers day!

Eien: your not my dad though.

Kurogiri, pointing at everyone else:

Eien: happy fathers day, best dad, better than all for one trash and that burning dumpster fire of a―

.

Dabi, flipping off Endeavor: you're not my dad!

Shouto, joining him: skinny noodle ass lookin-

.

All Might: Yagi, what's your emergency?

All Might: what do you mean your being murdered, people can't do that!

.

Toga: I think you need a hug!

Spinner: what is this?

Toga: a hug.

Spinner: disgusting.

Spinner:

Spinner: do it again.

.

Dabi, at the training camp: how sad, Todoroki Shouto.

Shouto: yes, it is. Now give Bakugou back before I tell mom.

Dabi: wait.

Dabi: NO DON―

.

Twice: look at the sky! It's a bird!

Spinner: it's a plane!

Dabi: no, it's Bakugou.

Tomura: get him! He's escaping!

.

Tomura: we offer you power and freedom from the restraints of hero society.

Bakugou: never.

Dabi: you can act, dress, say, do, not-feel, deal with emotions, and blow shit up whenever you want l, however you want, with no backlash.

Bakugou: maybe-

.

Shigaraki, interviewing Dabi: so, how would you describe yourself in one word?

Dabi, with his hand on fire at Shigaraki's 'father' hand: hired.

Shigaraki: holy shit, he can do that?

.

Eien: welcome to Bible study, we're all children of Jesus.

Giran, smoking:

Twice: KUMBAYA M'LORD!

.

Mr. Compress: after a long day, I need a drink to take the edge off.

Eien: bleach? Potassium sulfate?

Mr. Compress, concerned: do we need to talk?

.

Doctor: we need to know your blood type! You're bleeding out, the wound is unstable, please tell us your blood type, quick!

Eien, after being almost murdered at Hosu: B positive.

Doctor: I'm trYinG-

.

Shigaraki, tapping on table:

Eien tapping more aggressively:

Twice: what are they doing?

Kurogiri: speaking in morse code.

Shigaraki, flipping the stool: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

.

Eien: sorry guys, gotta go, my self-hate is calling.

Tomura: Eien, no..

.

Tomura: ladies and gents, today we hunt the hardest being know to-

Twice: bees?

Tomura: no, what the fuck?

Twice: have you ever caught a bee?

Tomura: change of plans.

.

Tomura: Dabi, this is very important.

Dabi: I'm not doing it.

Tomura: wha-

Dabi: kidding, you had me at illegal.

Toga: did someone say illegal?

.

Eien: two men lie in waters warm and slow. And as brothers, they are joined heart to heart. But Cupid hath nothing struck then with his bow. Lest they be though, they sit five feet apart.

Sero: did.. Did you just..?

.

Eien: Bakugou, your personality is thicc.

Bakugou: what the fuc-

Eien: you're a giant ass.

.

Eien: are you sure you aren't dating Midoriya?

Todoroki: if I was, I was not informed of such.

Eien: to be fair, you're the most likely out of all of us to date someone without realizing it.

.

Eien: that is incorrect, because according to the encyclopedia of hybhedbiythnkkl―

.

Shigaraki: if you keep ignoring all your feelings your going to break, crash and burn.

Eien: that's great. Next, we have―

.

Shigaraki: catch these hands bitch, I dare you.

.

Dabi: knocking on the door is for wussies, real men break in and enter.

Eien, softly: don't.

.

Hitoshi, doing finger guns:

Eien: do it, pull the fucking trigger, coward

.

Izuku: what's your religion?

Uraraka: money.

.

Hitoshi: can you recommend a book that'll make me cry?

Kaminari: Algebra 2.

.

Eien: ah yes, my train of thought.

Eien: or as I like to call it, anxiety express.

.

Monoma: he died of natural causes.

Hitoshi: you pushed him off the roof.

Monoma: gravity is natural.

Uraraka:

.

Dabi, thinking aloud: what the fuck is wrong with me?

Dabi: nope, closing that door. Goodbye trauma.

.

Toga: I'd do anything for you, I love you!

Izuku: then perish.

.

Hitoshi: you have the IQ of a breath mint.

Kaminari: maybe that's why I'm in your mouth all the time.

Hitoshi:

Hitoshi:

.

Todoroki: you knew my brother?

Dabi, about himself: yes remarkable man. Very flammable.

.

Bakugou: I have a unique way of lightening up someone's mood.

Eien: that's arson, Bakugou.

.

Dabi: I have amazing memory, try me.

Eien: you left Ko in the forest once.

Dabi: that was on purpose, try again.

.

Todoroki: I had a terrible father and my sibling is dead, I had to train under constant abuse, and my mother broke down burning my face.

Eien: my adopted dad is the world's number one villain, I have a mentally unstable brother that destroys anything he touches and I come from a previous lifetime of protecting my little sister and myself from our drunk mothers constant abuse.

.

Tomura: can we do the thing?

Eien: what thing?

Tomura, wrapping his arms around himself:

Eien:

Eien:

Eien: a hug?

.

Toga: it's not illegal.

Officer, staring at a trunk full of bread. Just a mountain of bread in the trunk of her car: I know, but-

Toga: it's not illegal.

.

Eien: okay, so for the play, Bakugou, I think you should be your father.

Bakugou: fuck you, I'm leaving.

Eien: spoilers Bakugou-

.

Hizashi: I'm not gay, but you look hot in that jacket.

Aizawa:

Aizawa:

Aizawa: Hizashi, we're married―

.

A kid from Eiens elementary school: kill yourself, freak!

Eien: kill me yourself, coward!

The kid:

.

Monama: fuck ya chicken strips.

.

Aizawa: what did I tell you?

Kirishima, Shinsou, Amajiki: not to date a loud blonde.

Aizawa: and what did you do?

Kirishima, Shinsou, Amajiki, looking at Present Mic jumping behind Aizawa: date a loud blonde.

Dabi, popping up out of nowhere: I shoulda taken that advice.

Hawks: hey!

.

Dabi: how much money do you have?

Hawks: 69 cents.

Dabi: you know what that means!

Hawks: I don't have enough money for chicken nuggets.

.

Shigaraki: my father beat the shit out of me for wanting to be a hero.

Dabi: my father beat me to the brink of death every day in order to make me 'the best' but because my quirk wasn't good enough he started doing the same to my five year old brother, and I couldn't save him.

Hawks: I was sold into being a hero by shitty parents, I was then less than human, an object. I trained- was blindfolded for days and tortured until I couldn't move. They conditioned me so I didn't do the things my nature demanded I do.

Izuku: my father is 200 year old asswhipe that abandoned me when I was a child, then tried to kill the one person I looked up to as a father.

Eien: we get it, you guys have trauma, welcome to the club. Meet-ups are on Wednesdays and Fridays.

.

Shigaraki: HOW ARE YOU NOT DEAD YET!?

Izuku: people have been telling me to kill myself since I was five, now I'm immortal out of spite.

Dabi: same.

.

Hawks: y'know, some of you have never fallen in love with a villain, only to later realize that they're the estranged son of a hero you admire and it shows.

.

Hawks: are we fighting or flirting?

Dabi: my hands are literally wrapped around your throat.

Hawks: that doesn't answer my question.

.

Todoroki: I love you so much more than I love my dad.

Izuku: I don't even know my dad.

Eien, who watched her dad get murdered for being an absolute shithead to her five-year-old brother: pathetic.

.

Bakugou and Midoriya, arguing:

Kirishima: guys, what's wrong?

Midoriya: he keeps saying common phrases wrong!

Bakugou: cry me a fucking table, deku.

.

Hizashi, showing up late to a conference:

Aizawa: you're late.

Hizashi: you're stunning.

.

Kaminari: toast is amazing.

Hitoshi: what the-?

Kaminari: whoever was eating bread one day and was like, "let's cook it again", because, wow, I feel that.

.

Bakugou, running around: where the fuck is my costume?

Kirishima: language, there are little kids here!

Bakugou: may I ascertain the wearabouts of my fucking costume!?

.

Dabi: and remember don't under any circumstances, fall in love with me.

Hawks: no problem! Wouldn't dream of it!

Hawks, walking up at 3 in the morning two days later: THERE'S A PROBLEM!

.

Eien: are you crying.

Tomura: no! I'm having an allergic reaction.

Eien: to what?

Tomura: life!

.

Bakugou: shitty, motherfucking, dumbass-

Dabi: you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Bakugou: the hell do you think it came from?

.

Shigaraki: I know what you're going to say, even though All Might is an asshole and deserved it, I shouldn't kill him.

Sensei: no, he's crazy and needs to go down.

.

Eien, to Todoroki: are you Endeavors secret love child or something?

.

Eien: I have trauma enough for two lifetimes.

Aizawa: kids and their dramatics.

Aizawa, frantically calling a therapist:

.

Kaminari, running from the cops: the risk I took was calculated.

Kaminari: but man, am I bad at math.

.

Shigaraki, after he killed his parents, living on the street and having almost starved: I need help. Send me an angel, maybe the nicest angel you have.

Sensei, laughing maniacally in the distance:

.

Bakugou: I saw you hanging out with Deku yesterday.

Kirishima: Bakugou, its- it's not want you think!

Bakugou: I won't hesitate, bitch.

.

Todoroki: how do you know what's good for me!?

Endeavor: THAT'S MY OPINION!

Izuku:

Aizawa:

.

All Might: imagine someone gave you a box with all the things you've lost over the years!

Todoroki: wow, my childhood innocence.

Uraraka: my sense of purpose. I haven't seen that in years!

Iida: I knew I lost that potential somewhere!

Eien: mental stability, there you are!

Izuku: oh my god, my self-esteem!

All Might:

All Might: could you guys lighten up a little?

.

Tamaki: I'm immune to mean, hateful words because Mirio says nice things to me every day and his love protects me.

Izuku: I'm immune to hurtful words because Kacchan says mean things to me every day, so I'm prepared.

Eien: I'm immune to mean, hateful words because I say them to myself every day, so I can think of worse.

.

Eien: I heard Twice is in jail.

Dabi: yeah, for something he didn't do.

Eien: what didn't that man do?

Dabi: run fast enough.

.

Kaminari: I want to tell a joke, but I can only remember the punch line.

Shinsou: go ahead.

Kaminari: tooth hurty.

Shinsou: 'when's the best time to go to the dentist?'

Kaminari, staring lovingly: you complete me.

.

Iida: good luck, Midoriya. Break a leg!

Izuku: oh, I will.

Iida, visibly confused:

Iida:

Iida: wait no-

.

Toga: don't worry, I've got a few knives up my sleeve!

Mr. Compress: don't you mean cards?

Dabi: she did not.

Toga, holding a knife that was not there before: I did not.

.

Eien, covered in blood, holding Spinners katana: hey guys.

Dabi: what the fuck happened?

Eien: someone called me princess.

Spinner: but why did you-

Eien: so I used my royal authority to have them beheaded.

.

Eien: are you taken.

Kaminari: yeah, for granted.

.

Kaminari: sneezes.

Hawks, twenty meters above him: bless you.

Kaminari, looking around: God?

.

Uraraka: I can't believe Bakugou told you to kill yourself in middle school!

Izuku, squinting: .. he did?

Uraraka: he told you to take a swan dive off your middle school roof. Then burnt your notebook?

Izuku: he did! Yeah, he was kind of a dick back then. Don't worry, we're good now!

Uraraka: why did it take you so long to remember?

Izuku: well, I had a lot going on that day. It wasn't memorable compared to everything else.

Uraraka: everything else!? What happened!?

Izuku: about ten minutes after Kacchan said that, a villain tried to kill me.

Uraraka: wha-

Izuku: it's fine though! A hero saved me, caught the villain, but then it escaped and attacked Kacchan!

Uraraka: Izuku!

Izuku: middle school is a tough time for everyone, okay?

.

Izuku: I refuse to die until things are better and that is a threat.

.

Iida: slow down, grab your bible, pray like you're tryin' to make your soul, revival.

.

Kouta, when 1-A arrives: wow! Look at all these chickens.

.

Hagakure: oh my God, I love Chipotle, Chipotle is my life.

.

Izuku: we just got a letter, wonder what it is!

Bakugou, from the letter: suck my ass, Deku.