-

I miss you.

I miss her.

I miss him.

I miss them.

I miss us...

-

I remember it, in full detail, as if it's happening to me right now. I can recall every detail of the scenes perfectly.

I wish I could do everything else just as well as I can hold onto those days with you.

-

Saturday.

Rain.

The sun was blocked by a dark smudge of clouds. It was cold, since it was the middle of winter, December twenty ninth, to be exact. I had been waiting for a text or phone call from you, confirming that I'd see you in just a couple hours.

Perhaps I was foolish, since you hadn't responded for hours, but I held onto the hopes that you were busy. You had siblings to watch, after all, and homework from all the advanced classes you took, I told myself.

I picked up my phone to check for a notification for what had to be the fifteenth time in the past couple minutes, disappointed yet again to find nothing even though I knew I would've heard a soft ding if you'd texted.

My door opened, barely, but it was enough for my small, clingy cat to come inside. She had been tiny, really tiny, but she had quite a voice. She would meow for hours without end if I closed my door, locking her out. I wish Mother had never brought her home.

She tried to jump up onto my desk, the way she always did when I was doing any sort of work, but I shoved her off and nudged her away with my foot without looking up. I'd pressed my cheek against the cold, smooth surface of my desk and was staring at my phone as if I simply could will you into remembering me.

I truly missed you, with all my heart.

It dinged.

I snatched up my phone and excitedly unlocked it, only to see that it was one of my cousins sending a photo of himself alongside his girlfriend, happy and smiling on a yacht, to my family's group chat. I scowled and turned off notifications for the chat as a flood of emojis came in from happy aunts and uncles.

I dropped my phone back onto my desk and went back to staring at it, a small part of me knowing it was no use.

-

Hey! What's up? you texted, hours into the night as if you hadn't forgotten about me.

Despite knowing I should berate you and ask what had happened, I smiled and responded with a quick nothing much with a follow up of wanna call?

A few seconds passed.

No typing, no call.

I waited as the minutes passed.

Then, sure.

I waited a couple seconds, so I wouldn't seem eager, then pressed the call button. It rang once, twice, three times, then you picked up.

Silence.

I could hear your breathing, so I knew you were there, but you didn't laugh and give me your usual greeting. I didn't know what to say until you sighed and murmured half-heartedly, "Hey."

"Hi," I whispered back, even though I knew I could talk at a normal volume. We always whispered during our calls, it made it seem more secretive and, therefore, more fun.

"I'm sorry."

My shoulders drooped. You were bringing it up, of course, but I acted like I hadn't noticed or cared, "For?"

"Our missed date."

"Oh, no, it's fine," I laughed quietly, a breathy one that you had once said filled you with happiness, but it sounded hollow as I added, "We can always go ice skating later."

"Yeah, yeah, later."

I could tell you were distracted, and I wanted to know why but, if I probed, you would end the call. I knew you would.

I wanted to hang onto you longer, though, so I let it pass.

"I heard Reyna is hosting a party next weekend, for her birthday, Christmas, and New Years."

Silence, as if you'd walked away from your phone... then, "Oh, really?"

"Yeah."

More silence, just breathing.

I wish I had had the guts to ask what was happening, since it could've fixed it. I could still be with you right now, side by side, if I had asked.

But I didn't ask.

I hadn't done anything.

-

"Why don't we go to the movies this weekend, since you didn't seem excited for Reyna's party?" I asked the next night, hoping you were in a better mood.

You fell silent and I waited, ready to say never mind, but you sighed then agreed, "Sure, do you have a specific one in mind?"

"No, not really," I wanted to please you and make sure you didn't change your mind, leaving me again, "Anything you want."

Silence, again. Stretching more and more, swallowing our breathing.

"I don't know."

"Oh."

You stayed silent for a bit longer then said, "I have to go. I'll text you details later."

You didn't.

-

"Why didn't you text me?" I asked quietly on the phone the next Saturday. You'd been silent all day and part of the previous day.

"I'm sorry," you responded after a pause. Some muffled sounds then, "I was busy."

"Oh."

You remained quiet for a bit longer, time seeming to stretch on forever until you sighed and added, "Monday, after school. We'll go to your favorite café."

"Really?" I blurted out then realized I sounded too eager. I fell silent.

"Of course," you reassured, your voice soft as you laughed and murmured, "I love you."

"I love you too," I smiled then hung up, knowing it was late and I should get some sleep.

-

You were supposed to come pick me up after school.

You didn't.

I had to walk home, in the biting wind, alone. You didn't text me; you didn't call me. You told me nothing. I didn't reach out to you, either, but I should have. I really should have.

-

I saw you with Kamari.

-

"Hey, I'm sorry," was the first thing you said at my locker the next morning. You usually went straight to your math class, telling me it was too far from my locker for you to drop by then make it to class on time. And yet there you were.

I carefully closed my locker and turned towards you, smiling brightly because I was truly so happy to see you, "It's fine! I know you're busy."

"Yeah."

You tucked your hands into your pockets then left with no kiss, no hug, not even a goodbye.

I wish I'd gone after you.

-

Do you remember that day in the park? It was a couple weeks after my sixteenth birthday, and you were singing some sort of sappy love song to cheer me up because she had just died.

You know who I'm talking about, I know you do.

I had been listening to you as if you were the most important thing in the world, even though you kept messing up the lyrics and you were pretty off-key. It was a popular song about fifteen years ago, but it was coming back so everyone knew it by heart. Except you, of course.

Perhaps you were messing it up just to amuse me, but I'll never know now and I'm kind of sorry about that.

Either way, it was a nice day. The sun was out and there were no clouds to be seen, though there was a slight breeze that kept ruffling your hair, much to your annoyance.

Halfway through your fourth time singing the song, you paused abruptly and swept your arm in a wide gesture as if to say look at it all.

Confused, I'd turned to you and you leaned forward, pressing a quick kiss to my lips before leaning back with a light laugh. We both smiled and I felt like I was floating, since you were always by my side.

If only you still were.

-

Did you know that I've always been so terrified that you'd realize just how broken I am and leave me behind?

It'd be like those movies, the silhouettes of the two of us with a white background. I'd reach out for you, hopelessly, but you'd continue to stride away with your back turned and never look back because I'm just not good enough and never will be.

-

Kamari is so nice, isn't she?

-

I had to get rid of her.

I'm no longer able to pay for her food and other supplies since I quit my job so Mother told me it was best to get her another home, since the deal was that I could keep her as long as I could feed her.

I found her a nice family just a few streets away. They have two young children who are just the sweetest kids ever. You'd like them, I think.

They love her, though, and that's all that matters. It's a better home than what I was giving her, after all, but I'll miss her on my desk. She was comforting, in a way.

-

I've always wondered, why did you choose me? What happened to make you regret that?

-

It was a Tuesday, and we had a test in biology.

I would like to say I did well, but I wasn't too confident on a lot of my answers. I regretted taking honors, but my mother had pressured me, saying it was a good idea if I wanted to get a good job.

If only I still cared.

I finished the test quickly, jotting down guessed answers for the last few, and handed it in. I hurried back to my desk because I hated being watched and turning in tests always received attention.

I collapsed into my chair and pulled out my book, a drawing pencil, my sketchbook, and my laptop. I logged into my laptop and put an earbud in, turning on my favorite playlist.

Technically, we aren't supposed to listen to music in class but during tests she tends to turn a blind eye to it. I bet you don't know that because you're too goody-goody to push the limits of teachers, but I found that out during our first assessment.

Sometimes I wish that I could be just as perfect as you, even if it's just in appearance.

-

I regret ripping out the previous pages. It's been months since I've left alone entries, but I hated what was on them. I still do but I wish I'd kept them. You wouldn't like them, I don't think, but I know you would read them anyway.

I think I burned them in the fireplace, but I can't remember.

Everything's blurring.

What's wrong with me?

-

I need help.

-

I can't see properly, everything's fuzzy. My body doesn't seem like my own and I feel like I'm dreaming.

Do you remember her last birthday?

It was at that ice cream parlor in the mall, and everyone seemed to be there. Laughter rang off the walls and even the employees were amused by our banter.

She, naturally, had perched herself up on a table and everyone milled around below her, like she was the queen, and we were her subjects.

It felt like that, a lot. Just not in a bad way.

I remember that she called for the music to be changed and our best friend changed it, switching to a powerful and upbeat tune that she adored. Of course, everyone started to act like it was their favorite song, too, and caught each other's hands, swinging around in a wild dance.

The girls' hair and skirts twirled while the boys spun them about before pulling them to a stop. It was hilarious, especially when your cousin accidentally dropped his dance partner. She found it funny, but he was utterly embarrassed.

The highlight, however, was when the cake was brought out.

It was my pride and joy, since I'd spent painful hours bent over it to get each detail absolutely perfect. I'd practiced designs for weeks beforehand and I felt a warm satisfied feeling as everyone gasped in awe of the cake.

Except, as soon as it was set in front of her, she grinned and waved down at it, declaring it as her own.

She said she'd spent hours making her own cake.

She pretended she hadn't begged me to decorate one for her.

Everyone believed her, even her closest friends who knew she couldn't even make toast without burning it to a crisp.

I left, immediately.

No one noticed.

Not even you.

-

I skipped today, I wish I hadn't.

-

When was the last time we talked?

It must have been at least a week.

I know we're still a thing, since I've seen you continuously turn down girls with an explanation that you have a girlfriend. I've even caught you glancing at me as you do so.

If only we could talk again.

I don't think we will.

-

Kamari visited me.

I don't know why, and I wish she hadn't.

I broke down and shared too much and she now knows and I can't see properly. I'm panicking. Nothing feels right. I just want it to stop. It needs to stop.

Make it stop.

-

She knows. I know she knows and she's watching me funnily and I had to duck my head after a nice smile to pretend everything is fine because if she knows it's not then this is going to fall apart. I just wish you'd notice what's happening and hold me like you used to. I need comfort. I need anything. I just want to go home.

-

I got a note calling me down to see the school counselor. Instead of going, I took the note and my bag and left the campus. I can't face them, especially not now. I'm so close and I just need to finish this and make sure you receive it.

If this falls apart now, then it's all over.

-

"Can I see you again?" I called you. I called you for the first time in weeks and you picked up. I had meant to say hello and ask how you were doing but my brain wasn't functioning and I was shaking and I felt like throwing up.

You paused then, "Of course. Now?"

"Yes, now. The park. Please."

"I'll see you in a few minutes."

You hung up and I dropped my phone. It bounced off the floor and I didn't bother to pick it up as I raced out my door. Mother called after me, definitely surprised that I was suddenly leaving my room for the first time in months for a reason that wasn't school.

Did you know I locked myself away?

Perhaps not.

I sped down the sidewalk in only a thin pair of leggings and a tank top. It was no longer winter, but a bit of wind was still blowing through, and I was chilled quickly. I didn't regret not grabbing a jacket, though, because I could see you standing next to a bench under a tree with your hands in your pockets and breath clouding slightly in the air.

I slowed my approach, terrified that you weren't real and that you'd disappear as I got closer.

But you didn't.

You stayed still and watched me, smiling as I stopped in front of you.

"Why did you want to see me?"

"I had to."

You shifted, "Why?"

"I just did," I sighed, "Please."

"I'm here."

I shook my head, "Never mind."

I turned and started to leave, and you let me. Part of me wished that you had called after me, grabbed my hand, and kept me from walking away. The rest knew that, if you had, I never could've continued. Even though you hurt me so much.

You never knew and you only do now.

-

I think I'm ready.

Are you?

-

I can see her.

She's sitting on my bed, right there, and she looks so real. She's smiling at me, that sweet smile that made anyone trip over themselves from the kindness that radiated from it.

I avoid her gaze and she frowns, standing up from the bed without leaving any creases on the blankets. She comes up behind me and I can feel her presence. Her, but not her.

I close my eyes. I'm writing blindly now and I can't fix mistakes but I can hear her breathing. I think I'm writing slanted and the words are mushing together. Sorry.

It stops.

I open my eyes and she's gone, leaving the faint scent of her favorite perfume.

Oh, I wish I'd kept her last bottle of it.

If only.

I miss her.

-

I've always wondered, how different would the world be if I had noticed what was up with her and kept my bonds with you strong?

Would we still be laughing happily as we made fun of actors on the screen in movie theaters? Or would we be broken up and separate, only clinging to the thought of it all ending.

I wonder. I dream. I pretend.

I can see her still alive, sitting on my bed and listening to music as I draw. I can hear her walking down the hall in the middle of the night like she always did to grab a glass of water. I can feel her in her room next door.

But it all comes crashing down when I have to return to reality.

She isn't alive. She isn't walking. She isn't there.

She never will be.

I won't see her again, I won't hear her again, I won't feel her again because she. Is. Dead.

It's all your fault.

It's all your fault.

I hate you.

More than anything.

-

You should've done something. You should've saved her. You could've fixed all of this. It's all your freaking fault.

She had been reaching out for you because we'd been fighting. I wasn't good enough and I never will be because she's dead and you failed, and my world is falling apart and soon you'll know, and I can see her again and I wish it would just hurry up because I am done.

-

My last...

-

My last goodbye.

I wish it hadn't come down to this, but everything is failing and nothing feels right, and it never will again. I need it to be over and I want you to move on. Don't throw this away, I don't care what you do to it but please keep it.

Think of this book as me.

It's been with me since I was young, and I've put all my thoughts and feelings into it. It's important to me and if I was ever important to you, then keep it.

My dreams, my wishes, my thoughts, my feelings, they're all here and they're all for you.

This should've been her.

It should've been given to her, but she's now gone and it's your fault and you'll know that now because the deaths of the two of us are in your hands.

My mother can't forgive you now.

I know she can't.

Goodbye, Asher...

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