From Ao3.

I can see how people just waste away like this. Playing some game or reading some book even just browsing your phone. Never reaching a goal or a predetermined spot. Never proggressing. Today I suffered a complete personality change. I was still there but with that little good honesty demon on my shoulder and deadpan humour. A totally different voice as well as being against laughing out loud. I was closest to logic with sarcasm. I was good at giving advice. But I was not happy and when I got home I snuggled in my stiff oversized jumper and downloaded another game.

We always forget just how evil that honesty demon can be. You could be with someone you would never reveal your secrets to or someone you have a secret opinion about and you don't want to be mean. Do you think that demon cares? Yet they hide under the 'I'm just being honest' excuse. Why? Our life can't be that simple. We can't just insult everyone. We can't just hide away in our room anxiety. We can't help everyone creativity. I know but I want to. I really want to. I spent so much of my life just trying to get by and keep everyone happy and now that I have a chance to be happy why can't I just take it. Why am I so vunerable? I hate it, anyone could come and hurt me and I have to act like I don't care. Like I'm not hurting. Beacause I'm the happy one.

And I'm totally fine. I won't let my emotions get the better of me. Because others have it much worse. And I may be unstable right now. I'm not good enough but eventually I will get better.

Eventually. I'll be better. Eventually I'll stop doing things because others tell me to. Stop pretending to like something because my friend's do. Stop apologizing for things I didn't do. Slowly I'll become truly happy even if it takes time I know I can make it. Because although the road may be tough I am strong and will keep going for as long as it takes.

Sometimes I'm sure I am completely incapable of hate. I have had to deal with people in my life but I always feel a certain understanding or compassion, sympathy, empathy. I've felt them all. Usually I can't cry. Only for petty reasons or if I force myself. I want to cry because I know it will feel better afterwards but I can't.

Even though I've been hurt I still trust. It's my downfall. I get hurt because I trust but I just can't seem to put up those walls. Maybe because I want to help others and not lock them out. Should I lock some out or should I continue helping everyone? I don't know anymore. I've said before that I'm coping and that I don't need to change anything. But that's mostly what I am only doing. Coping not living or enjoying or being happy. Why? Why is it like this? I don't know. Maybe I'm still more of a pushover than I thought. I am getting more confident and that helps but it's still tiring to have to be happy all the time. Existing is hard sometimes.

But oh so worth it. Sometimes the beauty of the world is breathtaking. This is a world worth living for. Many of the people around me are worth living for too. They don't want me just exist they want me to live. I'm not suicidal and I'm glad. There have been times when that has been the positive I latch onto. Because no matter how many times I beat myself up and make myself feel bad for my flaws, feelings, appearance, basically everything and anything. I also always build myself back up again and have words of encouragement and strength even logic. I can convince myself that I am weak and strong at the same time. They basically cancel each other out. I am weak in some areas and strong in others.

I am strong and I will get through most anything life has to offer. I don't have the right to be confident but I can be sure of my decisions. On that note, does anyone else need to stop listening to the ideas they get just as they are falling asleep. Yeah me too.

~From the emotions
P.s. Sometimes life just doesn't go the way you expect it.