Trigger warnings: War, PTSD, and dealing with the aftermath of suicide

          ~Maybe in another life, I could find you there

Stop, I think, every time that song starts to play, the one that makes me think of you. But, I can't ever bring myself to turn it off or skip it.

          ~Pulled away before your time, I can't deal, it's so unfair

You've been gone for over a decade now; you'd think I'd be done mourning the way that I do. But I'm not. Sometimes it bites like it was yesterday.

          ~And it feels like, and it feels like

And, although you didn't die in action, I still blame the war, the Army, for your death.

          ~Heaven's so far away

Probably because I need something or someone to blame other than you.

          ~And it stings, yeah, it stings now

I know that you were injured over there and that you struggled to get to your doctor appointments two hours away once you were home. And, yeah, there was a lot of other shit, too.

          ~The world is so cold, now that you've gone away

But, damn it, did you have to? Did you really? Of all things, that? I know the answers, but I still ask the questions.

          ~Leaving flowers on your grave, to show that I still care

I never did visit your grave. After I saw your obituary, I just couldn't.

          ~Black roses and Hail Mary's

I know, I know you bought those bullets with the money I gave you for gas.

          ~I can't bring back what's taken from me

And, I'm just so angry about the whole thing. And I feel such despair at the thought you're gone.

          ~I reach to the sky, and call out your name

I know that you just wanted it to stop. That's all anyone who does this wants... just for the pain to stop. I get it, probably better than you ever realized.

          ~Oh please let me trade

I've never wished to trade that pain with you. Why does that make me feel so guilty?

          ~I would

I think you were likely the most beautiful soul I've ever seen. And, even in that short amount of time, I fell in love with you.

          ~And it feels, and it feels like

It feels like my heart was ripped out. It's healed, mostly, but it's scarred up and beaten.

          ~The world is so cold

I still miss you so much.

          ~Now that you've gone away.

Don't stop.

~~~

Song: "Gone Away" by Five Finger Death Punch on And Justice for None

Official video:

WWMD, Jamie.

https://youtu.be/BIQK4-9YFW0