He hadn’t slept; he had almost died after tiring schedules last night. But what had woken him up was the silence in the flat. The irrefutable proof that he was losing out on all his friends, plus the awkwardness that he shared with Siddharth when both of them were home.

Shivaay had just about turned towards the bathroom when Siddharth walked towards his room.

‘Shivaay, there’s something important that I want to discuss with you,’ Siddharth said and initiated their first real conversation since many months.

‘I’d like to shower first, if that’s okay,’ Shivaay said running a hand through his hair.

‘It’s fine. I was thinking of going to Zara for shopping in half an hour. Would you like to join?’

‘Sure, I don’t have anything else planned anyway,’ Shivaay said.

‘See you in a few?’

‘Sure,’ Shivaay replied.

Shivaay showered, shaved, and threw on a jogger, a newly bought t-shirt, and loafers. Siddharth was already waiting for him downstairs. Shivaay caught a trace of rose shampoo that Siddharth must have used this morning.

‘I hope you didn’t mind joining me today,’ Siddharth said and accelerated the car.

‘Not at all. In fact, I was feeling suffocated inside and was planning to go out anyway.’

‘I tried to wake you up this morning, but you were a little too tired to respond. You should have joined us yesterday. It was fun.’

‘I’m not surprised. There were a lot of your friends at the flat last night. We chilled together in our previous days here. I guess, life got in the way and work kept me occupied. I would have loved to join you guys otherwise,’ Shivaay said. ‘I am sorry, I should have at least joined for dinner or something,’ he added after a certain pause.

‘Oh, never mind! I am equally at fault. I have been rude at times, my lifestyle and everything… Haven’t really tried spending time with you guys. I guess it’s becoming easier now that I’ve broken the ice,’ Siddharth said. Shivaay replied with a nod and got busy checking his mobile. Siddharth reached out for the music player and put on some music.

Shivaay switched it off and said, ‘Both of our voices don’t sound too bad. I’d be happy to keep this radio switched off.’

‘Oh! I wouldn’t mind at all. For a while there, I thought I might bore you. Your expressions said what you didn’t,’ Siddharth said and smiled.

‘Oh no! Don’t take me wrong. I’m a little tired after last week’s continuous late night work. That’s all! I was up late working the entire week,’ Shivaay answered defensively, the fatigue almost reflecting in his voice.

‘I just assumed that you were getting bored, because you used to do that a lot, you know… Whenever I talked about my auditions and everything.’ Siddharth frowned.

‘That’s because I wasn’t doing any work then and it would be impossible for me to sit, do nothing and listen to everyone’s work. I swear it’s nothing more than that,’ Shivaay said, almost apologetically.

‘Thank you for being so honest, but we both were out here alone because of certain misunderstandings.’ Siddharth exhaled sharply and smiled.

‘It’s never too late to mend things,’ Shivaay said.

‘This mind is a terrible thing. At times, it occupies itself with things that never really existed and might never exist,’ Siddharth phisolphised. Shivaay was not aware of this side of him.

So he added, ‘And it creates its own stories from the vacuum it has created in relationships. After a certain point of time, illusion becomes the only reality and we’ve already moved too far to even check on it.’

‘That’s deep,’ Siddharth said wide-eyed.

‘I guess, that’s the job of a writer.’ Shivaay shrugged.

‘And you’re pretty good at it.’

‘I so hope that the channel also thought so. I wouldn’t have looked so tired today otherwise.’

‘I heard that channel people are quite helpful,’ Siddharth said, unsure.

‘Ah, that’s because you haven’t worked with them. You want me to pass on your pictures or videos? It’s no bother,’ Shivaay said and tried hiding his smile.

‘That’s so thoughtful of you, but I don’t want to spoil my life doing that. I am happy doing advertisement modelling and web series.’ Sandy winked at him.

‘Never say never. You might end up doing it someday. After all, it’s all under one roof.’

‘It’s not going to happen for now.’

‘You realize you’re a bad actor.’ Shivaay smiled.

‘No, not till now. It will take me some casting couch experiences, some more rejections to realize the same,’ Siddharth said with a forced smile on his face. Shivaay didn’t like this phrase. He saw something terrible in that smile. He inspected the non-Siddharth gesture. With Siddharth trying hard to not look towards Shivaay, Shivaay was trying hard to understand the meaning behind what he had just heard.

Siddharth didn’t say anything for the next few seconds, but then, he looked more uncomfortable with every passing moment. He wanted to hide away. He suddenly regretted saying what he had.

----------------------------------------------

‘I am planning on leaving Mumbai and shifting back to Delhi. Leaving everything,’ Shiddarth said after 15 minutes shocking Shivaay to the core.

‘That’s definitely not one amongst the hundreds of possibilities I imagined in the last few minutes. What’s wrong?’ Shivaay was rather surprised.

‘Everything. Everything is,’ Shiddarth said. Shivaay didn’t interfere this time and waited for Shiddarth to speak whenever he’d be comfortable. He could see a storm coming. It was a side of Shiddarth that he had never seen.

‘Shivaay, my life is going into the darkest of phases, and unfortunately, there’s no bright side to it. I haven’t been close to much people since my father’s death and probably that’s the main reason behind my keeping a distance from people I like. I have a fear of losing people and can’t really deal with it,’ Shiddarth said with a lump in his throat.

His tone made Shivaay feel that there’s more to it and that he had not finished yet. He just hoped it to be repairable.

‘My mother has been diagnosed with third stage cancer. Honestly, I have been so busy with myself that I barely cared about her. But now, this is killing me. Her death is real. She kept on calling me for years and I always kept her at the bottom of my priority list because I was too busy partying, fucking around…’ Shiddarth said and started crying like a little child. He was roaring with tears and was inconsolable. Shivaay let his tears come out. He hugged him and felt the tight hug back as if he wanted Shivaay to make everything okay. He was pleading for time for his mother, but as ruthless and inhumane as time has been, it didn’t budge. It made a son cry over the untimely probable death of his mother.

After a briefest hesitation, Shivaay also let his tears flow. He felt the pain of a son, and unwillingly started thinking if the same would happen to his mother someday. He made a note of calling his brother, mom, dadi and....d....no don't think about him now, he thought for brief second.

Every day, no matter how busy his life got. Emotions flew by. Shiddarth sensed his concern. Though Shiddarth didn’t want Shivaay to say anything, but the fact that he understood was more than enough for him. It was all that he wanted from him – a sensible gesture, a caring hug. He sensed that somehow Shivaay already knew him more than most of his so-called friends.

‘When did you get this news?’

‘When I told you I wanted to talk about something important.’

Armaan nodded. ‘You should be leaving soon.’

‘Tomorrow morning.’

‘I know it’s going to be one hell of a phase, but don’t let this break you down, okay? You’ve to keep going… remember that.’

‘Mumma…,’ Shiddarth said still crying. His hands were shaking as he held a bit of his hair in his hands out of helplessness and frustration.

‘Sometimes, we just go with the flow of life and let life go. But as we grow, we forget to respect or care about the people who have loved us selflessly. We spend years ignoring the only people who care for us. I ignored my mother to avoid her stories, like every oldie has. Every time she talked, she just talked about her illness and it irritated me. Many a time I thought she’s just doing this to gain sympathy or my time, but she wasn’t. All she wanted was to speak to me, even if over a phone call, and I couldn’t even give her that.’ There was no end to Shiddarth’s sense of pain and guilt.

How long had it been, Shivaay wondered since he let his mother or father talk their heart out? Or kissed his mother’s forehead? Or sent her surprise gifts. Shivaay had never thought about his parents in such a way before and he couldn’t deny that to himself.

Though Shivaay knew this would in no way lessen Shiddarth’s guilt for not spending enough time with his mother.

They reached home and booked a ticket for Shiddarth. He looked better than before, but that night, Shivaay spoke with his mother and dadi for about an hour and booked a surprise gift for his them even for his father through an online store. It was painful to recall what had happened to Shiddarth’s mother and even more painful to think how the memories would lurk somewhere between guilt and hopelessness. Memories would taunt Shiddarth for years to come, Shivaay thought lying down alone at night. As he pulled the pillow below his head, the entire conversation kept repeating itself in his mind like a song he wanted to forget because it brought back bad memories. This world, unfortunately, tells you about the tales that look convenient. No one tells you about the deep secret that’s buried inside the unspoken hearts.

His phone tinkled and the light flooded an otherwise dark room. His eyes opened wide as he saw an e-mail from Annika. 

Meeting tomorrow evening at 5. Need to discuss the

weekly story ahead. Please be on time.

Regards,

Annika.