Heyo my gay baby rugs! If you don't know, I  posted a challenge for all of you LGBTQ+  to tell me how you figured out how you found your sexuality!

Spicey_MemeZ
WolfeyDoodles

Amazing stories

So warning: homophobia and shit, religion, personal stories, vents

Anyways, when I was little I was straight, I wasn't against the LGBTQ+, as everyone else was. I was very/still am okay with the same gender kissing or so, I never like looked into it, I mean, I was like eleven or so, I wasn't bright to lmao, so now you know.

I wasn't taught to hate gays, I wasn't taught about God in general, so I had my own mind to form my personal feelings towards it. I didn't think they would go to hell or so, I still don't. I think people go to hell for rape or killing, not for loving someone who is right for you and your comfortable in your skin. I never judged like that, I will always keep an open mind to things. I mean, I don't believe in God sometimes, sometimes I do, I pray once in a blue moon maybe. I go to church on Sundays sometimes. I just don't really feel him. I think, we don't really need to waste life worshipping a person above we don't know is there when we could search for a cure to cancer. We could just teach that we shouldn't be dicks and love. I mean, those are my thoughts sometimes. Sometimes, in the worse situations and in break downs and crying I pray or yell in my mind "where are you God? You said you protect your children, why don't you protect me?" It's an never ending cycle. I mean, I do, but don't. In the end if you asked me, I would say I'm Catholic.
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I used to say, "you're gay!" To this one kid, but like, everyone still does to this day, I don't, but yee, not to be homophobic, but yeah. He would tell me the meanest shit and so, mistakes learned. Listen to what you say, angry or not. Because year later or two, when you are actually gay and people say that, it doesn't feel good, does it? It doesn't.

Anyways, years ahead, I have a best friend. In the beginning, we weren't friends in my mind. I was jealous of her, thinking she would take my best friend then. She is super kind though and she is bubbly.

Next year of school, I had a math class and first period with her. Lucky o' me had to sit next to her. In the beginning, I was eh, I would have small talk, but over a few weeks, I warmed up to her. 

She is my bestest friend, till the end, we never fight, we never yelled in a serious way at each other, and I used to think things like, what if I could kiss her? And things like that, staring at her lips or eyes, I would shake it off, 'i am stupid, stop it, you're straight, you like guys' repeat. Even though, I felt slightly uncomfortable saying I was straight, like a lie.

Repeat and repeat, just forcing myself that I wouldn't dare think like that.

She is my bestest friend, smart and beautiful, funny, sweet, cool....why think like that?

I ignored my feelings and emotions, the feeling bubbly in my stomach near her, the thoughts of being with her. I was stupid. I am stupid.

This year, the thoughts kept recurring.

Her beauti-fucking-ful silky dirty blonde hair

Her confident style

Her huge heart

Her ocean of chocolate eyes

One week, we finally had a sleepover. It was the best week ever! I could have it in slow motion, it slowly moving in my mind, roller skating, and the diner, was probably the best time, and more. 

We all were playfully fighting, blowing straw papers at each other. After eating, we went outside and we began to play fully fight, we took off our earrings, shoes, smiles and giggles. She looked me in the eyes, before getting in the car and said, "you wanna know why I have to take my shoes off? Because I can't fight with them on." I laughed with her, she is a high yellow belt in karate, training to be a sensei.

At my house, she brought her computer and showed me Heather's, it was amazing. We probably annoyed my parents by giggles and small screams of a bug being in the room, running to the bathroom in tears of laughter. She layed on my shoulder, the moment that melts and sticks in my mind, that one moment. Just us breathing and me looking at the computer before glancing at her, almost in a sleep presence. Maybe four o'clock at that point, I had droopy eyes as well, and went to sleep, peacefully on the right side of the bed.

Another memory, was it was almost a week later, a Friday, and at the end of the day, we got into a huge group hug.

One night, one Friday night and exactly a week later almost,  she was walking on the cool grass of night, with her siblings. A man, a few houses away, got on the road and was texting- BAM

He hit her....for two hours of trying to save her...she went in and out of heart attacks, and more before being fully declared dead.

I was maybe mumbling to myself when it happened, coming out of the shower, not knowing at the moments. I didn't know. I regret it though, I would always regret it. I should've got a phone call or told her to stay inside, maybe a phone call.

But I didn't.

I was about to go outside with my family, like a usual week day, and I get a call from my friend, and she says Emma is dead.

Now, I smiled and rolled my eyes, another prank, as always. I replied with, "really?" I said in a sarcastically way. Then, her mother got on the phone. My heart dropped and I went into panic, I didn't know how to react. My phone was dieing, and I shoved it in my mother's hands as i screamed and ran.

I ran to my room and screamed as I locked my door, tears running down my face, on my carpet rug.

My grandmother came after me and made me unlock the door, I didn't want to be touched as I screamed and ran downstairs. I was in panic, I couldn't calm down, my lips quivered and my hands tremble at the slight movement.

I was pulled into a crushing hug.

"IT'S NOT FAIR! SHE DIDNT GET MARRIED, SHE DIDNT GO TO COLLEGE, WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO FINISH SCHOOL TOGETHER, IT'S NOT FAIR!" I screamed over and over again, my peices of my heart just crumbled and burst.

I calmed down and went to her house, crying.

Putting flowers where she got hit, broke me, I held someone's hand to put them down, I couldn't see my small stuff animal where she got hit, it didn't belong there, it belongs in her room, she belongs in her room and should be doing something.

But it isn't like that.

Her funeral broke me even more as I shared my story of being her Best friend. How I love her and wished she was here.

How I wish I took chances. That's something I regretfully didn't do.

No one knows the pain as many makes jokes about her. "Don't walk in the street or your are going to get Emma'd" or saying she wasn't my friend. Saying that no one cares.

A car ride one night, and I thought of being with her, again, and I shoved it away. I am straight, stupid me. Again. She is dead anyways, what's the point, even if she was the love of your life.

A huge few month jump, and I began to have a crush on a trans person, a huge one. It was small at first, and I knew, I knew I didn't care if it was anyone's gender, and came out on Wattpad. I had a rush of emotions and felt powerful, I felt adrenaline, scared. I came out to my cousin, Old man as I call him, and my mother 2.0 I say, and they accept me. My heart was jumping everywhere.

I came out to everyone slowly, my mother said she accepted me. But I know she doesn't. She doesn't approve, but it's my feelings, my heart, my comfort.

"It's a phase."

"You know, you don't know if you are really, since you didnt experimented."

Excuses upon more excuses.

I ignore most of them.

I really liked him, and I went on with my pride of being pansexual.

Recently, I had been called a faggot multiple times and been hated on, remember, you stay the way you want to be. You don't let the little shit get to you, they are a grain of salt, take your chances, sometimes you lose them forever. You can't wake up and have them again.

I can't text her and get a response. I can't call and have a conversation. I can't hug her, tell her my problems, vent it all out, she's not here. I used to call just to hear her voice. Her voicemail that declared she is not on the phone right now and should call back later. Well, I can't.

I asked him if he had feelings for me the same, and he said no, I mean, I wasn't hurt. I mean, I was, I was about to cry but I think, the guy is perfectly fine.

He is healthy, he is stable, he is still my friend, he is still happy, he still has a heart.

Why cry over a perfectly fine person?

I didn't let myself cry, I held my breath and moved on. I am hard on myself, but so is everyone else.
Everyone else....

'how are you?'

"Fine."

And a move on, let them vent, as I am crippling with depression and a bottle of insecurities.

A few weeks, it got better and less ackward. I mean, still is, but less. We are still friends. I'm not mad at him, never was, I'm fine. If you are reading, you know who you are, don't write an apology, it is fine, really.

I had another friend and we talked on Wattpad since I fuckin got it. We vent towards each other, or anything in general. We are best friends and one day they said they had a crush.

Well, if anyone knew, so did I, I had two, and one of them was them. 

And so, we exchanged phone numbers one night and I kept telling them to ask their crush out.

"No, no, no, I can't, nope."

So, I was forced lmao

And I told them, and had a heart attack sending the message.

They liked me back.

Them: you wanna know what's funny?

Me: me having a heart attack?
XD

Them: no, I like you too

And yeah, the rest is history as we began to go out.

I mean, it isn't rainbows at the end of this tale of my life as I lay here, with dry tears on my face, on the right side of my bed, in pain.

I will always have her in my heart, I will always love her.

I am still in living hell, of course. But you know what, at least I take chances and try to stay afloat.

You should too.

That's how I figured out I was pansexual.