About my feelings. Pretty much a vent.

Im tired of being what you want
Me to be
Feeling so faithless,
Lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting
Of me
Put under the pressure of
Walking in your shoes
Every step that I take
Is another mistake to you
I've become so numb, I can't feel
You there
Become so tired, so much more
Aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do is be more like me
And be less than you!
Can't you see that you're smothering
Me? Holding too tightly, afraid
To lose control
Cause everything you thought
I would be is falling apart in front
Of you
.........
And every second I waste is
More than I can take
.....
And I know I may end failing too
But I know you were just like me
With someone disappointed in you!
......

When this began, I had nothing
To say and I get lost in
The nothingness inside of me
I was confused and I let it
All out to find im not the only
Person with these things in mind
Inside of me but all the vacancy
The words revealed the only thing
That I've got left to feel
Nothing to lose
Just stuck, hollow and alone
And the fault is my own..
And the fault is my own
I WANNA HEAL
I WANNA FEEL WHAT I
THOUGHT WAS NEVER REAL!
I want to let go of the pain i
Held so long
....
I want to find something I've wanted
All along, somewhere I belong
And I've got nothing to say
I can't believe I didn't fall
Right on my face
...
So what am I ?
What do I have negativity?
Cause I can't justify
The way everyone is looking at me
Nothing to lose
Nothing to gain
.....
I will never know myself until
I do this on my own
And I will never feel
Anything until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break
Away from me
.....

Memories consume, like
Opening the wounds
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume I'm safe
Here in my room
Unless I try to start again
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
And inside I realized I'm the one
Confused
I don't know whats worth fighting
For! Or why I have to scream!
I don't know why I instigate
Or say what I don't mean!
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not right!
.....
I'll paint it on the walls!
Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And This is how it ends!
......

I can't escape this hell,
So many time I tried,
But I'm still caged inside
Somebody help me get this
Through this nightmare, I can't
Control myself
.....
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this
Animal!
......
I can't escape myself
So many time I lied
.......
So what if you can see the darkest
Side of me?
No one can ever change this
Animal I have become
....

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven't missed you yet
....
Only when I stop and to think
About it..
I. HATE. EVERYTHING.
ABOUT. YOU.
Why do I love you?
.....

...
...
....
We hit the sun, there goes the light,
No more sun, why's it always night?
When you can't sleep, well, you
Can't dream, when you can't
Dream, well, what's life means?
We feel a little pity but don't
Empathize
The old of getting older,
Watch a young girl die
A mother and daughter and
Someone you know, smile at
Each other and realize you don't
You don't know what happened
To that kid you raised
What happened to the father who
Swore he'd stay
I didn't know because you didn't
Say
Now momma feels guilt, yeah
Momma feels pain
When you were younger, you
Thought you'd never die,
Found out you could but too scared
To try, you looked in the mirror
And said goodbye
Climb to the roof to see if you could
Fly
....
I wish that I could fly,
Way up in the sky,
Like a bird so high,
Oh I might just try
....

Are you insane like me?
Been in pain like me?
.....
Do you tear yourself apart to
Entertain like me?
Do people whisper bout you on
The train like me?
Saying "that you shouldn't waste
Your pretty face" like me?
And all the people say,
"You can't wake up, this is not
A dream, you're part of a machine,
You're not a human being, with
Your face all made up, living on
A screen, low on self-esteem so
You run on gasoline"
I think there's a fault in my code
....
Well my heart is gold and my hands
Are cold
Are you deranged like me?
Are you strange like me?
...
Do you call yourself a fucking
Hurricane like me?
Pointing fingers cause you'll
Never take the blame like me?
....

Little do you know how I am
Breaking while you fall asleep
Little do you know, I am haunted
By memories,
Little do you know I am trying
To pick myself up peice by peice
....
Underneath it all I'm here captive
By the hole inside
I've been holding back for the
Feel you might change your mind
I'm ready to forgive but forgetting
Is a harder fight
....
Little do you Know my little
Mistakes are slowly drowning me
...

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days if that's
What you want
Be your number one
I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that's what you ask
Give you all I am
I can do it
I can do it
I can do it
But I'm only human!
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knifes in
My heart
.....
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that's what you need
....
I'm only human
I'm only human
Just a little human!
I can take so much...
Til I had enough
Cause I am only human..
.....

I can't stand being alone for just
Alittle while, just a couple hours
And I'll hate myself
Anxiety has let me to believe the
Ones I love will leave
They're never coming back to me
And I will die alone
......
Here's to all the times I cried
And cried
And cried
Over something I couldn't control
The little things that get under my
Skin
......
When I think that way I start to feel
Like there's no hope for me
I start to feel the gravity pulling me
To hell
....

Often I am upset, that I cannot
Fall in Love but I guess this avoids
The stress of falling out of it
Are you tired of me yet?
I'm a little sick right now
....
I can't really think right now in
This place
Too many colors
Enough to drive all of us insane
Are you dead?
Sometimes I think I'm dead
....
Get a load of this monster
She doesn't know how to
Communicate
Her mind is in a different place
Will everyone please give her
Alittle bit of space?
Get a load of this trainwreck
Her hairs a mess and she doesn't
Know who she is yet
...
Time is slowly tracing her face
...

I'm happy for you,
I'm smiling for you
I'd do anything for you, for you
It's always for you
And never for me
And I need it to stop
So let me tell you please
I'm always sad
And I'm always lonely
But I cant tell you
That I'm breaking slowly
Closed doors, locked in, no keys
Keeping my feeling hidden, there
Is no ease
I need it to stop
And I want to be able to open up
But my feelings are fatal
....
How many times do I have to
Keep it inside?
I need to let go and I swear that
I try
But opening up means trusting
Others
But that's too much
So I won't bother
I'll keep it inside
And I'll bury it deep
I know it's unhealthy
But you won't hear a peep
Though I am always sad
And always lonely
I can't tell you that I'm breaking
Slowly
....

....
Maybe I should cry for help
Maybe I should kill myself
....
Maybe I'm a different breed
Maybe I'm not listening
....

.....
I wanna hide the truth
I wanna shelter you
But the beast inside
There's nowhere we can hide
....
When you feel the heat
Look into my eyes
Its where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
Its dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
....
Don't want to let you down
But I am , hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don't wanna hide the truth
.....
Your eyes they shine so bright
I wanna save that light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how
....

....
Anywhere I would have followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on
You!
And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all
...
And I will swallow my pride
Your the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye...
...
AND IM SORRY THAT I COULDN'T
GET TO YOU
...

I wanted you to know that I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and
Steal your pain
Away
I keep your photograph
And I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and
Steal your pain
Because I'm broken
When I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right
When your gone away
You've gone away
You don't feel me here anymore
....
Cause I'm broken
When im open
And I don't feel like
I am strong enough
....

I ponder of something great
My lungs will fill and then deflate
They fill will fire
Exhale desire
I know it's dire
My time today
I have this thoughts so often
...
Sometimes quiet is violent
I find it hard to hide it
My pride is no longer inside
It's on my sleeves
My skin will scream
....
I'm forced to deal with what I feel
There is no distractions to mask
What is real
I could pull the steering wheel
....
Oh my, too deep
Please stop thinking
I liked it when my car had sound
....

I cannot take this anymore
Saying everything I said before
All these words they make no
Sense
I try to find ignorance and bliss
Less I hear the less you'll say
You'll find that out anyway
Just like before
Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the
Edge and I'm about to break
I need a little room to breathe
I find the answers aren't so clear
wish I could find a way to dissapear
Nothing seems to go away
Over and over again
....

I don't like my mind right now
Stacking up problems that are so
Unnecessary
Wish that I could slow things down
I wanna let go..
...
And I drive myself crazy
Thinking everything's about me
Yeah,driving myself crazy because
I cannot escape the gravity
I'm holding on
Why is everything so heavy?
...
I been dragging around what's
Bringing me down
....
You say that I'm paroniod
But I'm pretty sure the world
Is out to get me
It's not like I made the choice
To let my mind stay so fucking
Messy
...
I know I'm not the center of the
Universe but you keep
Spinning round me just the same
I'm holding on
.....

I can't. I'm unstable. I'm unhappy. I'm a fuck-up. I'm a mistake. I want to leave