Ok so this is just a chapter that I'm going to release a lot of atuff about what's been going on with me. I don't think anyone will read this cause I mean, who would take their time to read a person's sad life?

This is mostly to myself and not intended to anyone, I just wanna spit it all out cause it just really hurts.

I was born in 2004. I was a happy kid, and a happy baby. I remember I wanted to be a singer and I loved jumping around and dancing to whatever song was on the Radio or TV as a child. We went out with my parents almost everyday and I literally couldn't ask for anything more.

I had many friends and I was quite the girly-girl in dressing up mostly because my mum dressed me and I was a Tomboy in act. I loved Spider-man, Power-Rangers, and many other characters.

Aside of all those happy things, I remember my dad wanting to leave the house to go to his other woman. He would tell me he was going to buy cigarettes, and because of the amount of the times he's said that it was the phrase that translated to, "I'm leaving." I always blocked the door and screamed and cried so he wouldn't leave but he always got the way he wanted and left, and I would just keep crying for a while.

Soon by the midst of Elementary school my life started tearing apart

1st -2nd grade: I was relatively fine, I had friends and I was a good student

3rd grade: I was obsessed with my Tablet and I had a crush on Pewdiepie. My friends always thought he was ugly and it kinda saddened me. I also stsrted becoming aware of my body changes and I hated my body.

4th grade: I liked a guy named George. He didn't like me back though, to be honest we weren't really friends. Fights with my parents started becoming more frequent and I hated it.

5th grade: I liked Ed Sheeran and I was a good student. One friend left our hangout group and we had oue first male teacher (I kinda hated him). I started to despise my body because of how fat I was and I hated the changes "down there" and "up there". No one ever told me I was beautiful and no one ever hugged me.

6th grade: I had a crush on our male teacher. I hated that and I thought I was a slut for liking that many people at my age. I still hated my body a lot and I felt a lot older than my age. My friends weren't at all like me, they were normal, not lazy internet obsessed fangirls. My two friends once told me that my other friend said that I always talked about the same things when I was absent from school, and when I comforted her about it she said that they all agreed on it. I didn't know who to trust anymore. I hated it. I hated not having real friends and I hated the fights with my parents and I hated my body and I hated how I was a slut. So of course me being stupid I turned to my teacher, thinking that he could acually help me. He really didn't, and I started to contemplate whether I was talking to him because he did help and I needed it, or because I had a crush on him. Now long story short, I have to write him a book and I don't want to cause non-fiction ain't my genre. I had told him about my suicidal thoughts and how I hate feeling selfish and I told him about my family and everything, he never understood a thing. By the start of summer I started feeling extremely guilty about it. I talked to him just because I liked him, and that's one of the worst things I've done because he really thought he helped me. Now by the start of August I feel like shit. My friendsgo out a lot and they exercise and they sleep early and they're all so kind and beautiful and not addicted to the Internet. They're not fat and they're normal. My mum keeps making me feel bad about myself by telling me how I'm lazy and stupid and how I should be like my friends and I hate her jokes about me I just hate this fucking piece of shit world I'm just so tired.

My friend's will never get me.

My parents aren't understanding.
Even strangers don't seem to do a thing, not even my dog helps me.

I've thought about dying but I'm too much of a wee to even self-harm.

And now I'm going to a school for smart kids in which only me and one of my other friends passed and she won't probably even talk to me during breaks cause she'll just read the next lesson's book to be smart and get good grades. Intelligence isn't about grades and it annoys me she's always making me feel bad about myself cause whenever I say something like, "I've learned how to speak some French through the internet!" She says, "Whatever I know the Past Simple in French."and when someone tells her she's a nerd she goes,"I'm just different." Like, I would say Einstein is different cause he was crazy and I mean crazy = genius, there are millions of kids like her around the world thinking they're smart because of good grades.

So it's like I won't even have friends there and phones aren't allowed and I hate studying. I just passed because my parents wanted me to, I could've just not passed by writing the wrong stuff.

I don't know what to do when I grow up I just have a lot of stuff I like, like music and writing.

My mum thinks I'm depressed because I'm lazy and I like eating and sleeping, and the Internet and all. I'm not depressed. I have interest in stuff and I have a will to live, I'm just lazy and frequently sad and insecure but that's how most people are so I'm not complaining.

I'm just so confused with everything..