Pairing: 3Racha & Felix

Genre: Idol AU

!!TW!! : angst, emotional distress, referenced mild psychological abuse (accidental), just plain painful, what needs to be done gets done, bittersweet ending (for 3Racha)

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It took Felix a few weeks to come around and finally make a decision.

He was grateful for Hyunjin and Minho's support. Even though he was clearly intruding by staying in their room, the pair was wonderfully accommodating and always made sure to include him as much as they could. 

They talked for hours on end, discussing his feelings and helping him realize that the pain he felt was valid. They listened when he explained in tearful details every single incident that seemed so small and inconsequential at first glance, but still somehow managed to scar him and chip away at his sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

Jeongin and Seungmin were wonderful, too. When Felix was too tired to speak or think of serious stuff, they dragged him out of bed and made him forget. They cooked, they played games, they went to the park – anything to get Felix out of his own head, and remind him that no matter how alone he might feel, he still had them.

To say there were tensions in the group would be an understatement, though.

They all loved each other dearly. They went through hell and back to debut together, laughed together, cried together, lived together – Stray Kids was the very definition of a very weird, very caring family. And sure, everyone had more or less split up into actual couples over time, but ultimately they were still all together.

So, for 3Racha to hurt Felix the way they did... Needless to say, the other boys found themselves holding a bit of a grudge. No one could deny that even though Jeongin was the maknae, Felix was the actual baby of the group, so for him to cry and be in so much pain obviously triggered his precious friends' more protective side.

Although Felix genuinely appreciated the fact that his not-exactly-boyfriends gave him all of the space and time he had requested, he absolutely hated how their personal conflict suddenly divided the group. Stray Kids was supposed to be a safe space for all of them, and knowing he was partly at fault for messing that up weighed heavily on his heart.

That's why he really took the time to actually think things over. That's why, despite how much it hurt, he forced himself to relive through the past few months without missing a single detail, picking apart his feelings and forcing his soft heart to see things the way they actually were, and not the way he thought they were.

Because in the end, no matter what they meant or didn't mean, his boyfriends had really hurt him, and as much as he wanted to go back to the way things had been before this whole ordeal, as much as he just wanted to give them a second chance... he knew deep down that he simply couldn't.

Once he came to that particular realization, it took him a few more days to come to terms with it. Every single one of those days, though, was starting to feel a little easier, and yet a little more suffocating at the same time.

He realized eventually that he was at peace with his decision, but it was now about damn time that he properly addressed the matter with his boys.

He texted Chan, hoping it wouldn't take too long for him to see the message. Ever since Felix had moved out of their shared room, he hadn't seen much of the three rappers outside of group activities. They spent even more time in their studio now, if possible, be it out of guilt or because they couldn't stand the tension in the dorms whenever they did come home.

Much to his relief and surprise, Chan answered barely a minute later, saying they'd be back in fifteen-minutes top.

So now they have time to spare for me, huh?

Okay, maybe Felix was at peace with his decision, but it didn't mean he couldn't be bitter about it, still. It'd definitely take a while for things to go back to normal.

The other boys were still home but, to Felix's request, they all agreed to stay in their rooms until the four of them were done talking. Felix felt a little bad about it, but he couldn't bring himself to have that conversation in what used to be their room – too many memories, more bad than good, would only make this more difficult.

So he waited in the living room. He settled down on the couch, palms sweaty and breath short, and he waited. He had already tried coming up with an entire speech, but eventually gave up and decided to simply go with the flow. 

And, fifteen minutes later on the dot, the door opened. The three rappers quietly shuffled inside, obviously tensed, and Felix felt his heart twinge with worry upon noticing Jisung's pale face – his sudden summoning obviously hadn't done any good for the poor boy's anxiety.

They momentarily froze upon seeing him, and Felix felt his throat go dry and tight.

This is it.

"Hi, guys," he croaked out, feeling like he could keel over any minute.

"... hi, Felix," answered softly Chan.

As he gestured for the three boys to settle down, Felix couldn't help but notice the strange resignation in Chan's eyes. He obviously had a fair idea of what Felix was going to say, and the freckled boy could already feel the tears building up.

Damn it, why did it have to turn out this way...?

After a minute or so of tensed silence, Felix finally found the strength to speak again.

"... where did we go wrong?"

He wanted to know. Before concluding this chapter of his life for good, he wanted answers. It might just be uselessly hurting himself, but he couldn't properly move on without knowing what they'd done wrong – what he'd done wrong.

"It wasn't you, Felix," instantly answered Chan, his voice just as tight. "It was never you. What- what happened shouldn't have happened, and there... there are no excuses, for how we treated you, but it wasn't you. Please... please, at least believe this, if nothing else."

Felix slowly nodded, feeling a strange numbness spread in his chest. He was relieved by Chan's words, knowing for a fact that his precious leader wouldn't lie under such circumstances, but also hurting all the more for it.

So it was all for nothing? There was simply nothing I could have done to make things better? To make things go differently?

His alleged powerlessness was both a blessing and a curse. He was spared the burden of responsibility but, at the same time, it just proved how little of an impact he ultimately had on their relationship.

Still, it only cemented what, deep down, he already knew.

"I'm sorry, Lixie," whispered Jisung, his eyes puffed out and red – had he been crying before coming? "Not- not just about this- this entire, messed up thing. I'm sorry- I'm sorry for ignoring you, and for- for getting mad at you for no reason, too. It wasn't your fault when we were recording, I was just- I was just tired and frustrated and I- I took it out on you... I'm so, so sorry."

"I'm sorry for yelling at you," added Changbin, unable to look at him in the eyes but forcing himself to do it, anyway – he owed Felix that much, at least. "I'm sorry for getting mad and for accusing you without reason nor proof, and not- not even apologizing after that. I- I treated you like crap, I called you clingy but you weren't—it wasn't you."

"I'm sorry for what I said in the studio, that night." Chan's hands were clenched so tightly his knuckles were turning white. "I'm sorry for lashing out, but I'm even more sorry for not even apologizing properly after that. I'm sorry- I'm sorry we took you for granted, and I'm sorry for how ignorant and negligent we were, and I'm sorry we were such shitty boyfriends to you and—"

"That's enough, hyung," pleaded Felix, fighting back his own tears. "I've heard enough."

"Lixie—"

"It's over."

There it was. His ultimate decision. There was a moment of stunned silence, because even though they had somehow seen it coming, it still hurt. Felix gave them a moment to let it sink in, before letting out a shuddering breath and speaking again.

"I can't- I can't do this anymore. I get that- that this was all just a huge misunderstanding, that mistakes were made, that you'd take it all back and start over from scratch if you could... but you can't. No matter- no matter what you do or- or say, what's done is done, and I don't think... I don't think I'll ever be able to be with you three the way I used to be. It- it'll take time for me to forgive, but I won't ever forget – and I can't be in a relationship where my mind will be constantly plagued with doubts and- and insecurities, where the moment something goes wrong I'll feel like a burden, where a single wrong word could set me off and nullify any progress we might have made and..."

He couldn't hold back his tears any longer. They were heavy and scalding as they trailed down his face, but he didn't try to fight them back any longer – letting them fall felt both agonizing and cleansing, in a twisted way.

"I love you, Chan-hyung. I love you, Changbin-hyung. I love you, Jisung. I'll never stop loving you... but I think it's better for- for me, if we end this here."

Felix meant it. He meant every word. He was relieved he could still say "I love you" and actually mean it. But, no matter how he felt toward them, he knew that this love would forever be scarred by what they'd put him through, and that no amount of time would ever let them go back to the way they had been.

Jisung burst out in tears at that. Changbin was gritting his teeth, his eyes watery, but obviously fighting them back. Chan's tears were already falling but, when Felix met his eyes, he somehow found the strength to smile.

"Come here, Lixie."

Choking out a sob, Felix didn't need to be told twice and rushed into Chan's open arms, relishing in the warmth and familiarity he had come to associate "home" with. Oh, how he had missed this...

"I'm proud of you, Felix," Chan then admitted, his voice tight with emotion. "I'm so, so fucking proud of you."

"I'm hurting you—"

"You're doing this for yourself. I'm so proud that you found the strength to consider your own feelings and for once in your life place them above someone else's. I'm glad... I'm glad to see you finally think of yourself, even if it means hurting other people for a bit."

"I'm sorry...!"

"Don't be. I'm the one who's sorry, for letting it come to this. But we'll be okay, Lix – we'll all be okay. We'll always love you Lixie, you not- not being with us won't ever change that. We're still here, okay? We're not going anywhere."

Felix eventually found the strength to pull away from Chan, and he then walked over to Jisung, who didn't have to be told twice before surging forward and wrapping his arms tightly around Felix.

"I'm sorry!" he wailed, soaking his shirt with tears and snot. "I'm so sorry!"

"Shh, it's okay Sung, it's okay."

When Jisung eventually pulled away, he bit his lower lip. "We'll be- we'll be fine, right?"

Felix couldn't help but smile at that, leaning in to kiss his forehead. "We'll be fine."

And then finally, he moved on to Changbin. Changbin, who still hadn't started crying even though he was visibly on the verge of breaking. Felix gently grabbed his hands and pulled him up, and then dragged him into a hug. The moment he did, Changbin broke down and started quietly sobbing against him, apologizing over and over again.

They stayed like that for a while, Chan and Jisung eventually joining in for a group hug. It was only after another round of tearful apologies and reassurances that they all pulled away, exhausted, hurting, but ultimately reassured.

Even if their paths diverged slightly, it didn't mean they would lose sight of each other.

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It killed Jisung inside, to know they had abandoned Felix.

It killed him even more to see him bask in the attention Hyunjin and Minho offered him at any given time of the day.

He never meant for things to turn out the way they did. He never meant to reject Felix's affection, to deny him the attention he deserved, to ultimately leave him to suffer on the sidelines while still happily going on with his day.

But things did turn out that way, and it was their fault.

As he watched Felix interact with his fellow dance-liners from afar, he felt weight in his chest become heavier, almost suffocating.

They had just finished their day-long dance practice, everyone was exhausted, and Felix hadn't even hesitated before plopping down on the floor and laying his head on Minho's lap. The older dancer was now gently untangling his hair while Hyunjin massaged his sore legs, the three of them talking about things Jisung couldn't hear from the other side of the room where he was sitting.

It killed Jisung inside, to know he couldn't touch Felix like that anymore. To know that even though they were still in the process of rebuilding their relationship, they still weren't to a point where he could mindlessly cuddle with him and chat about their day.

It killed him, because he knew something Felix didn't.

::

"He's a special one, Jisung." It was barely a few hours after they announced to the rest of the group that they had started dating Felix. "He gives his trust and his love easily – please don't take that for granted. Please don't hurt him."

Minho being protective of Felix wasn't anything new. They had developed a special bond after being eliminated back before their debut, and the older dancer had grown incredibly soft with the freckled boy. They often liked to tease him about how he had adopted him as a fourth cat, too.

Still, his tone was strange, his words were weird. There was something about the way Minho told him that made Jisung's skin itch a bit uncomfortably.

"I know that, hyung," he had answered, a bit confused. "I love him – have for a long time, now. I would never hurt him."

"Good. If you can't take care of him properly, then I'll have no choice but to take over."

::

Jisung hadn't understood at the time, but he understood now.

He understood, watching as Minho played with Felix's soft hair and gazed down at him with absolute fondness and adoration in his eyes. He understood, watching as Felix returned that very same gaze with just the same amount of feelings in it.

He understood in that moment that he had well and truly lost Felix, and it killed him inside all over again.

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It killed Changbin inside, to know they had hurt Felix.

It killed him even more to see him receive the love and genuine care Minho and Hyunjin had to spare, constant and never lacking in any way.

He never meant for things to turn out the way they did. He never meant to push Felix away, to treat him like absolute crap, to ultimately make him feel inferior and unloved when he was anything but.

But things did turn out that way, and it was their fault.

As he watched Felix interact with the couple from the kitchen's doorway, he felt the bitter taste in the back of his throat become thicker, making it hard to breathe.

After a tiring day or interviews and special stages, they had returned home eager to rest, and Felix hadn't thought twice before settling into Hyunjin's lap and wrapping all of his limbs around him like a cuddly octopus. 

The long-haired boy was now gently rocking him from side to side, rubbing his back as he murmured endless praises in his ear, congratulating him over and over again for a job well done, while Minho fed the both of them some fruits every thirty-seconds or so with a loving smile stretching his lips.

It killed Changbin inside, to know he couldn't love Felix like that anymore. To know that even though they were still in the process of rebuilding their relationship, they still weren't to a point where he could swoop him off his feet and tell him just how wonderful and amazing he was.

It killed him, because he knew something Felix didn't.

::

"You better be careful with him, hyung."

"Where's that coming from?"

Barely a day after they had announced the good news, Hyunjin had cornered Changbin in the studio. He hadn't expected the dancer to show up unannounced, and even less with such a serious expression, but what really surprised him was what he said next.

"I like him, hyung. I really do. I never said anything because we all knew how much he loves you and Chan-hyung and Jisung, but if you ever mess it up, if you ever hurt him in any way, shape, or form... You won't get a second chance. I promise."

::

Changbin hadn't understood at the time, but he understood now.

He understood, watching as Hyunjin pressed a gentle kiss on the tip of Felix's nose, and then proceeded to try and kiss every single one of his freckles. He understood, watching as Felix giggled but didn't try to push him away, relishing in the affection.

He understood in that moment that he had well and truly lost Felix, and it killed him inside all over again.

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It killed Chan inside, to know they had made Felix cry.

It killed him even more to hear him laugh so whole-heartedly from the other side of the closed door, in the room he now shared with his fellow dancers.

He never meant for things to turn out the way they did. He never meant to ignore Felix the way he did, to snap at him constantly, to ultimately break his heart over and over again until the laughter was gone and the tears were omnipresent.

But things did turn out that way, and it was their fault.

As he heard Felix laugh again at something either Hyunjin or Minho said, leaning against the wall right next to their door, he felt the painful grip of guilt and regret rip his heart apart once again. After another exhausting day at the studio, Chan had returned home in hopes of getting some sleep, but had been stopped by an all-too-familiar laugh on the way to his room.

All he could do was listen, unable to hear exactly what they were saying, but Felix's laugh still as loud and bright as he remembered it to be. He closed his eyes, and he could see it as clear as day – the three of them lying down in the same bed, cuddling up to each other and talking and laughing and holding each other as if there was no tomorrow.

It killed Chan inside, to know he couldn't make Felix laugh like that anymore. To know that even though they were still in the process of rebuilding their relationship, they still weren't to a point where he could make him smile as brightly as he used to, because Chan had taken that smile for granted and had mercilessly destroyed it in his ignorance.

It killed him, because he knew something Felix didn't.

::

"It hurts so bad, hyung... What are we supposed to do?"

Chan hadn't meant to eavesdrop. He was just coming back from the bathroom, expecting everyone to be asleep after their tiring day (they had just announced Felix's addition to their relationship and, thankfully, everyone had been supportive) when he passed by the dancers' room and realized the pair was still awake.

Knowing Hyunjin was hurting worried him, so he paused and decided to listen. If he realized it wasn't any of his business, he'd move on – if it was important, then he'd step in and try to help.

"There's not much we can do other than support him, Jinnie. They'll make him happy."

"But what if- what if they don't? What if they mess it up? What if they hurt him?"

"They won't. You know any of them would rather die than hurt Felix."

Well, that certainly wasn't what Chan was expecting to hear.

"Does it make me selfish... to wish we could be the ones to make him happy?"

"No, it doesn't. I wish that too. But we're not what he needs or what he wants right now, and confessing would only hurt him."

"So we're just supposed to stand by and watch him slip through our fingers?"

"Not much else we can do. In the end, either Felix has found himself three amazing boyfriends... or they will mess it up after all, and then it'll be our chance. But as much as I love him, I sincerely hope it won't come to this. He's happy now – he deserves it, even if it's not with us."

"... I understand, hyung. It still hurts, though."

"I know. I'm sorry. I love you."

"Don't be. I love you too."

::

Chan hadn't understood at the time, but he understood now.

He understood, listening as Felix's warm laughter abruptly shifted into a slightly muffled moan. He understood, his heart clenching as he heard Minho's "I love you", soon followed by Hyunjin's... and then Felix's soft, slightly breathless "I love you too".

(Maybe... Maybe Felix did know, after all.)

He understood in that moment that he had well and truly lost Felix, and it killed him inside all over again.

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There were many things they should have done differently. Many things that shouldn't have happen, many things that could have been prevented. But, ultimately, what mattered was Felix's happiness – and if he could only find that happiness with people that weren't them, then so be it.

(Like what, you don't know the worth of what you have until you've lost it.)