Pairing: SKZ & Felix

Genre: Idol AU

!!TW!! : sensory overload, panic attack, miscommunication, angst

(requested by @indiecindy)

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It wasn't a secret to anyone that Felix absolutely adored skinship. He was the kind of person who thrived on constant physical reassurances that ranged from anywhere between head pats and full-out cuddling sessions. He'd hold the first hand within reach, join someone else's bed most nights, and hug everyone at any given opportunity.

It was Felix's way to regain energy. When he felt down or depressed or just plain tired, a hug could go a long way, and he could never stay sad for long whenever one of his precious groupmates gave him the affection he sought. The others knew that, of course, so they always made sure to give him what he wanted.

It wasn't to say Felix was pushy, though. He understood when another member needed some space or simply wasn't in the mood for skinship, and he didn't insist when they gently pushed him away and redirected him to someone else. And, sometimes, there just wasn't anyone in the mood, and Felix accepted that and simply spent the night with his plushies, knowing the others would make it up to him once they felt better.

Something that simply never happened, though, was Felix rejecting skinship.

"Hyunjin, please, I told you to stop—"

"Oh, come on, Lixie," cooed Hyunjin, pinching his cheek. "You know you like it~!"

Felix didn't really know what was wrong with him. Ever since he woke up earlier that morning, he just felt itchy. Not in the literal sense, of course, but there was an unpleasant feeling growing underneath his skin, and any sort of prolonged physical contact only seemed to make it worse.

It took him forever to find clothes that didn't rub his skin the wrong way. Hell, even his favorite shirt didn't make the cut because there was a tag Felix hadn't even noticed until today that kept on sticking to his back and was just plain annoying. And, when he finally managed to find clothes that didn't irritate him, it was already time to leave.

The ride to the company was hell. Though there was only four of them in the car, the boys were loud – and it wasn't anything unusual but, for once, Felix didn't have the energy to partake in the routine chaos. So, he'd plugged his earphones in and tried to catch some more sleep, figuring he just needed more rest, but he quickly shut down his music mere seconds later when it felt like his eardrums were going to blow up.

Starting practice was even worse. Felix couldn't stand still, the lights were too bright, the music was too loud, his groupmates' constant screaming wasn't any better, and his shoes were too tight. He tried to focus on their choreography but, by the end of the first hour, he was just about ready to give up.

And then, as if he wasn't dealing with enough already, some of the others had started bugging him for cuddles – and, while he would usually be overjoyed by their offers, he simply couldn't stand the thought of someone touching him right now.

Unfortunately, that message seemed to get lost in the mail, somehow.

"No, I don't," insisted Felix, pushing Hyunjin's finger away with a scowl. "Look, I'm tired, okay? We can cuddle later—"

"Lee Felix rejecting cuddles? This has to be a prank or something," scoffed Seungmin. "Where's our clingy baby gone to, hm?"

"It's not like that! I'm just not in the mood today!"

Why can't they believe me? Better yet, why can't they just respect that I don't want them to touch me right now?

"Lix, you know we love you, skinship and all," replied gently Chan, patting his shoulder. Felix couldn't help but flinch away, and the leader frowned. "Look, if you've read fan comments on Twitter again—"

"It's not like that either! Hyung, please, I'm fine. I just don't feel like it right now!"

Felix usually had a lot of patience, but it was already stretched pretty thin by his terrible morning, and his groupmates' carelessness wasn't helping. He didn't want to snap at anyone so, deciding to simply change the subject, he quickly volunteered to go and refill everyone's water bottles.

Jisung decided to accompany him, since there were eight bottles to fill, and he thankfully didn't say anything while they refilled the bottles. It's only once they were on their way back that he finally spoke up.

"Lix... Are you okay?"

Felix sighed, before offering him a tight smile. "I'm fine. I'm just... tired. I'll feel better tomorrow, I promise."

"Okay. But you know you can tell me if something's wrong, right?"

"Hmm, I know. Thanks, Sung."

Jisung instinctively leaned in to kiss in temple, but stopped himself at the last second, and settled for giving Felix another smile instead. Felix's own smile turned much more genuine at that, the freckled boy appreciating his friend respecting his wishes, and the two finally returned inside the dance studio to start practicing again.

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The following hours weren't any better for Felix, unfortunately – if anything, it only seemed to get worst. By the time they dropped for their last break before the last stretch of practice, he was passably exhausted.

His head was pounding, his ears were ringing, and he could hardly keep his eyes open. The voices kept on mingling together in a deafening ruckus, and the sweat drying on his skin felt incredibly uncomfortable. Everything was just... too much, and Felix wasn't sure if he had enough strength to keep going.

The fact that everyone else saved for Jisung still didn't believe him about his wish to be left alone also kept on adding to the pile, so to speak. Hyunjin constantly poked his cheeks and sides to annoy him, Minho kept on grabbing his arms to gently correct his movements, Chan and Changbin patted his head or shoulders between each song, and Seungmin made annoying popping noises with his mouth right in Felix's ears whenever he least expected it because he apparently found Felix's reactions very entertaining.

And so, as Felix sat down and leaned against the wall with his eyes closed, he was just about ready to throw his bottle across the room and walk all the way back home if that's what he needed to do to get rid of the annoying, still-growing itch under his skin.

"Lix-hyung!!!"

Without warning, Jeongin threw himself on his lap, and that's when Felix finally snapped. There was too much of everything and he just wanted it to stop, and he felt all of the irritation that had been slowly building up inside of him suddenly boil over and burst. Without thinking, he roughly shoved Jeongin off his lap, with probably more strength than what was necessary or appropriate.

The younger fell on the floor with a resounding 'THUD' that instantly attracted the attention of the rest of the group. Uncaring, Felix jumped to his feet.

"Enough! I told you to stop bothering me already!" he exploded, his loud voice booming like thunder in the now silent room. He slapped his hands over his ears. "I told you to fucking stop touching me, why can't you fucking get it!?"

He was breathing heavily, barely able to think straight, and it took him a moment to recognize the fear in Jeongin's eyes. Guilt instantly hit him full force, and he lowered his shaking hands.

"Je- Jeongin—"

"Yah! What the hell, Felix?" snapped Hyunjin, walking up to them and roughly shoving his shoulder. "What is wrong with you today? Are you just that desperate for attention that you'll even resort to hurting Innie?"

"It- it's not like that—stop it!"

But Hyunjin didn't stop, still pushing his shoulders, and Felix suddenly felt the urge to throw hands and run away at the same time. He could feel the judging, wary stares of the others weighing on him, though, so he settled for the latter.

"Just stop fucking touching me already!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"

He harshly slapped Hyunjin's hand away and ran out of the studio without another look back, slapping his hands over his ears as the calls of his name echoed painfully behind him. He ran smack into a wall before eventually making it to the nearest bathroom, and he barely had the time to lock himself in the furthest stall before his legs finally gave up on him and buckled under his weight.

He collapsed on the floor, and he belatedly realized that he was going through a panic attack. It certainly wasn't the first he'd suffered from, but it was the first time he had to go through it alone. Usually, he had one of the members with him...

But I pushed them away, he realized, feeling sick as he failed to catch his breath. I pushed them away and I hurt Innie and it's my fault it's my fault my fault my fault my fault—!

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No one came to fetch Felix, and the freckled boy didn't leave the bathroom until two hours later. By the time he hesitantly returned to the dance studio, everyone had already packed up and leave, and he genuinely didn't know how to feel about that. On one hand, he was glad he didn't have to confront them so soon after his outburst but, on the other, it was only prolonging the inevitable.

In hopes to make the situation a little better, he sent a text to Chan, warning him he'd be staying at the studio late to catch up on the practice he'd missed, offering a brief apology for his outburst and promising to apologize in person to everyone once he got back. He didn't wait to see what the leader would answer and instantly got to work, hoping dancing would help him work off some steam.

He kept the music low, turned the lights to the lowest setting, took off his shirt and his shoes and his socks, and tried to focus on his movements rather than all of the sensations already creeping up on him and overloading his senses once more. The panic attack from earlier had left him exhausted in all senses of the word, but the guilt eating away at him made him restless.

So, he danced. He ignored how his muscles cramped up and the sweat coating his skin, trying to focus on the choreography but failing miserably because every time he closed his eyes, all he could think about was the fear on Jeongin's face and the anger in Hyunjin's voice and the judgement and disappointment in everyone else's stares.

In the end, he gave up. He pulled on a clean sweatshirt, ignored how uncomfortable his shoes were, and eventually left the company building to head back home. When he checked his phone, he felt his heart drop even more upon noticing that the message he'd sent about three hours earlier had been read, but Chan hadn't bothered answering.

He must be so mad at me...

He stopped by a café on the way home, taking his time to pick out all of the boys' favorite pastries, hoping it'd help his apology pass better. He also grabbed a few extra snacks for Jeongin at the convenience store, remembering how the younger had complained about craving them but never having the time to go and buy them.

His heart was thundering in his chest by the time he stopped in front of the dorms' door, and he felt like he was about to throw up, his anxiety reaching a new level. He'd had a few arguments with one member or the other in the past, but nothing serious, so the fact that he'd gotten on the entire group's bad side by overreacting like he did honestly scared him. He didn't know what to expect, and he simply hoped they'd accept his apology and move on from this awful day.

Come on, Felix, he scolded himself, steeling his resolve. You messed it, you fix it. It's not that complicated, and the others aren't cruel. All of us have had bad days before, why would they hold this one against me?

He finally found the strength to push the door open, and he silently made his way inside, mindful the lock the door behind him. It was quite late, so he didn't want to risk waking up anyone already sleeping... and it was a good thing he was so careful, too, since he soon found the entire group passed out in the living room.

They were all either piled up on each other or had their limbs tangled together – even Chan was snoring lightly. The home page of a DVD was on loop, and he guessed they'd all fallen asleep watching a movie, which would certainly explain why Chan hadn't answered his earlier text.

Heaving out a small sigh, Felix carefully made his way around the room. He turned off the TV, picked up the plates and snacks lying about, and silently cleaned up as much as he could without waking the others. He then proceeded with bringing them blankets so they wouldn't catch a cold, unwilling to wake them when they looked so peaceful.

He put the pastries and snacks away, then cleaned up the kitchen, for good measure. When he was finally done, it was nearing three in the evening. He glanced back in the living room, and he found his heart clenching at the sight of Jeongin cuddled on both sides by Seungmin and Hyunjin. If he looked closely enough, Felix could see some red rimming the younger's eyes.

I definitely messed up...

Determined to make it up to him and everyone else the next day, Felix retired to his own room for whatever was left of the night. As much as he wanted to join everyone else, he still couldn't bear the thought of anyone touching him. Plus, he knew he didn't deserve it.

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Felix barely got two hours of sleep in before he woke up again. He was even more exhausted than the day before, but he was relieved to find himself craving human contact like he usually did – he was back to normal, that was good, right?

Just a bad day, like I thought, he mused, forcing himself to get up.

He still wanted to apologize properly to everyone for the way he acted, though. Having a bad day didn't justify snapping at his precious boys, even less Jeongin. So, he dragged his feet to the kitchen and got started on making a kingly breakfast for everyone.

He was just finishing putting the last plates and bowls of food on the table when none other than Minho joined him in the kitchen. He perked up at the sight of the older.

"Good- good morning, hyung! I made—"

Minho barely spared him a glance, making a beeline for the fresh pot of coffee and the mugs that had been set on the counter, ready to be filled. He didn't say a word as he poured himself a generous mug, and Felix gulped, not daring to say anything. While it was unusual for Minho to not at least grumble a greeting in return, it was still pretty early, so Felix decided not to take it to heart.

Minho getting up set off a chain reaction in the living room, though. Soon enough, groans and tired voices started filling the dorms as everyone woke up. Soon enough, the other boys started filtering in the kitchen, taking their seats, or doing like Minho and going straight for the coffee.

Not a single one of them said anything to Felix.

The freckled gulped, but gathered his courage and tried to speak up. "G- guys. About- about yesterday, I wanted to say—"

"Hey, what's today's schedule, hyung?" asked loudly Seungmin, effectively cutting him off.

There was a moment of silence, Felix staring at Seungmin with wide eyes. Still, no one even looked at him and, after taking a sip of his coffee, Changbin answered.

"We've got a board meeting for the next MV we're putting out, and the group's going to split up for separated practices in the afternoon."

Seungmin hummed in answer, and those who were still standing shuffled over to their own seats. At that point, only Felix's was still empty, the freckled boy not daring to move a single inch away from the counter as he tried to make head and tail of what the hell was going on.

He cleared his throat, trying to speak again. "What- what happened yesterday wasn't—"

"Ugh, who made these?" groaned Hyunjin, pushing the plate of eggs away as he scrunched up his nose. "Those are disgusting. Changbin, did you put the shells in while trying to break eggs again?"

"Yah, it's hyung to you!"

The unexpected words cut through Felix's heart like a knife, and he found himself almost gasping for air as he belatedly realized that, once more, not a single one of them was looking at him.

They were ignoring him, plain and simple.

Unable to stand the silence and tension any longer, the freckled boy quickly left the kitchen without another word, rushing to his room and closing the door as silently as possible. The moment it closed behind him, he collapsed to his knees, choking back a sob as he slapped a hand over his mouth.

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"LEAVE ME ALONE!!!"

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His words.

His demand.

His fault.

The tears fell without him being able to stop them, and he silently cursed every single drop that seared his cheeks, knowing he didn't deserve to shed them in the first place.

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"... that was mean, Hyunjin."

Hyunjin scowled, picking stubbornly at the rice in his plate. "I don't care."

"We agreed on some silent treatment until he apologized, not on being outright jerks about it," insisted Jisung.

He felt awful. He'd known since yesterday that Felix hadn't been feeling well, but he'd gone along with the others' stupid plan because he figured it couldn't do much harm – after all, Felix was too sweet not to apologize right off the bat, so it's not like it was going to last long, right?

He hadn't expected the others to make it so difficult for him, though, and even less for them to be outright mean about it. He didn't sign up for this!

Hyunjin's scowl only deepened. "He made Jeongin cry."

"And what, you think he's feeling any better about it?" snapped Jisung. "He cleaned up after our mess when getting home and then got up early to make us breakfast—"

"He didn't apologize," simply replied Minho, his tone curt and unforgiving. "If he truly meant it, then he wouldn't have run away at the slightest obstacle."

Jisung looked helplessly at Chan, who wasn't saying anything and was staring at the plate in front of him. He'd expected their leader, of all people, to say something – anything! – to defend the younger Aussie, but it would seem he wasn't planning on it.

"Chan-hyung?" he insisted. "This isn't the way to go about this, please—"

"Felix wrote to me yesterday. He promised to apologize to us, and to Innie directly – he did neither. Until he manages to get over himself and apologize properly, then I'm not going to say anything," cut Chan, heaving out a tired sigh.

Jisung gritted his teeth, lowering his head. He didn't understand why any of them thought this was a good idea. Why couldn't they just talk things out, like normal fricking adults? Why couldn't Chan act like the leader he was supposed to be and step in before things escalated?

It wasn't in Felix's nature to act out like that. Something was wrong with Felix. Why couldn't any of them just see that?

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To say the ride to the company was awkward would be an understatement. With Hyunjin glaring daggers at him from the left, Seungmin outright ignoring him, and Jeongin playing on his phone at the front, Felix felt smaller and more insignificant than he ever did before.

Upon reaching their destination, he made sure to stay in the back, not wanting to get in anyone's way and make them even more mad than they already were. And yet, with Chan right behind him, Felix realized he didn't feel any better. How disappointed the older must be in him, for not even saying a word about yesterday's incident? 

He felt like crying all over again, but he couldn't do that – not in front of the others. If he cried, then they'd think he was just begging for attention again, or trying to earn their pity and forgiveness in an underhanded way, and he didn't want that.

It was Felix's fault. They had every right to be angry at him. He'd simply wait a few more days for them to calm down before properly apologizing. Surely they couldn't keep this up for too long, could they?

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As it turned out, they could, and they did.