I was taciturn and withdrawn at lunch, and Angela sat next to me to ask me if there was anything she could help with. I raised my head with a start, having lost track of the fact that just because I was lost in my own little world didn't mean there weren't other people in there with me. "Oh. No no, just thinking is all. How was the uh, the hm." I grimaced. "Party?"

"The dance was fantastic!" Jess reassured me with all due enthusiasm. She then loaded her rocket launcher of a blow-by-blow of what I'd missed by supposedly being in Edmonds that weekend, and I made a point to focus on each of her syllables and dedicated myself to formulating logical and attentive responses when necessary. It helped, talking to them about something I'd avoided myself, because it helped me avoid something even more worrisome.

I couldn't truthfully say my aunt was wrong. Or Edward. Or Jessica. But just because everyone else was right did that make me wrong?

I'm shockingly not good at solving my own problems.

And through her life force and there goes her friend.

On her Nishiki it's out of time.

And through the portal they can make amends.

I was sorry Edward had to listen to my internal dialogue as I sorted through this. Feelings weren't something I was fully comfortable with, and it seemed unkind to inflict these ones in particular upon him.

After I'd settled into my chair in Biology he slid me a half-sheet of notebook paper. I'm tough, remember?

My lips flickered toward an attempted smile. I'm sorry, nonetheless.

He fiddled on his phone for a moment before class started, and I faintly heard mine hum from my wheelchair, so I bent to retrieve it. He'd sent me a picture of a statistic: apparently people who say 'sorry' who more frequently are less satisfied with their lives.

I chuckled. Thank you. I'll keep that in .... I shook my head into my hand, skin hot again. Could he understand what I meant even if I hadn't expressed it? Was the word just hiding there, behind a corner where I couldn't see, but he could?

The pencil fidgeted in Edward's hand before he began to write, selecting his words with care. The problem isn't your articulation, Seth.

And I just sighed, biting the end of my thumb. Because I knew that. It was my brain that was sick, not my tongue. It was my memory that wasn't working like it used to. Could be worse though. At least I could usually focus in class. Some kids just couldn't.

He was writing again. Alice likes you.

You sure she's not just like that with everyone?

Most everyone, but she does genuinely like you as opposed to tolerate you for her own amusement.

Haha, sounds like my kind of girl.

She is extremely amusing.

I didn't want to like his sister as much as I already did. It would make it harder to lessen how much I liked him.

Can't stop what's coming,

Can't stop what's on its way.

As Edward drove me home—I don't know when we decided this would be our new routine—he solemnly said, "Don't I have as much right to fall in love as you do? You are only denying yourself that right because you are afraid of the guilt from hurting other people. But doesn't that mean.....that you don't trust them to make the decision that's right for them?"

"Doesn't your asking me mean you don't trust me to make the right decision for me?"

He breathed a small laugh. "I suppose it does, and I suppose I don't. I think you're hurting yourself more than you realize. And, someday, I hope you understand that you have every right to be as happy as you're pretending to be."

I guess we've figured out what makes me cry the quickest. It's not necessarily pain or fear, but things I don't think I'll have, or things I want. I fastened a hand over my mouth, tipping my head back against the rest, dampness in my eyes. I wanted to know what love felt like too.

Edward unbuckled his seat belt and leaned across to wrap me into his arms, pressing his cheek against my hair. "I'm sorry."

I laid a hand against his chest and tucked my head down. "I didn't plan to fall in love in my lifespan."

He breathed, and kissed my hair. "Perhaps that's why it's called falling; nobody plans to do it."

By Tuesday most of my panic had abated. I still hadn't come to a decision, but I didn't feel like I was standing on a gangplank of my own making.

I still can't understand what it is about me that's special. You're a little too old to find every new person as exciting as your average-lifespanned person, aren't you?

None are interesting quite the way you are, he wrote with a smile. You think so differently from everyone else.

I raised one eyebrow and tipped my head. You've met dying people or people with cancer before, I can guarantee it.

He chuckled. Yes, I have. But none who so wholeheartedly decided to make a party of their last years or months, however long they may have. You have your dark days, but you do not allow them to become you. If you have allowed your illness to change you, you have only allowed it to give you the opportunity to grow. You don't realize to what degree, but you are living more every day than most people live in half a year, and it is beautiful to see. Just watching you, listening to you, reminds me of how much happiness there is in the world for those willing to seek it out.

Damn you make me sound cool.

On Wednesday I stayed home. Edward noticed my absence right around the time first hour would have started and I got a text from him only moments later.

Are you all right?

I only got his message a few minutes later, as I rolled aggressively out of the bathroom for roughly the third time since I'd woken up. I read his message and responded with equal aggravation. I have a bladder infection. It feels like I am leaking battery acid out of my cooch.

It was several minutes before he replied—had he paused to look it up?

I'm very sorry to hear that, since you probably got it Saturday. I hope you're drinking enough water.

Had he texted his dad too? Aunt Clara had taken me to the hospital for a uranalysis the night before and Dr. Snow had told me all the same things—drink water, eat citrus, keep your bladder warm. Heavens me.

I sent Edward a picture of our coffee table, which was presently divided with blue painter's tape into six sections, each square worth an hour of water in assorted glasses, jars and vases. I measured.

How are you otherwise?

I'm watching Netflix in ten-minute intervals and vastly irritated—you?

Naughty Edward, texting in class. Mostly just bored, though your messages are entertaining.

Well I'm glad for that at least.

We texted on and off throughout the day, and having heard about the marvels of his memory I didn't feel too awful about distracting him during school. He'd been there, done that, several times before, the poor bastard.

When I heard a mournful yowling from the front door I army-crawled my way there, sine sitting crimped in my bladder and gave me the constant sensation of needing to explosively pee, and let the neighbor's cat in. Cat decided that since I was at such an agreeable level today that I would make a good chauffer, and after butting his or her face repeatedly against mine in greeting, climbed onto my back and waited for me to lead the way to the living room. Felines are so ostentatious.

Cat really really wanted to sit on my lap but I had a hot water bottle there. He would have found a way to be comfortable on top of it I'm sure, but I could barely handle the weight of the bottle, so after recursively setting him aside he finally curled up on the back of the couch and pawed at the bare back of my head. I pawed back when he forgot that claws are not polite.

My phone began to hum, so I dug it out of the crack in the couch it had fallen into and paused the TV show I was bingeing to answer it. "This is Seth."

"Hey, Seth, it's Jake. I'm glad I caught you at lunch, because I forgot most everybody else has school today...."

I hastily paused my show. "Oh no worries! I'm home sick."

"Oh, uh, great?"

I grinned. "Yeah totally. So what are you up to? How come you don't have school today?"

"Local holiday. What've you got?"

"Bladder infection. They upped my antibiotics and I should be good in a couple days. Gotta drink a liter of water every hour though. I swear that's the worst part."

"Does it have to be water, or just a drink?"

"Just a drink I suppose, but if I get tired of something I'd rather get tired of water than, say, lemonade or hot chocolate."

"Fair enough, fair enough. Is that a cat in the background?"

"Yeah, he thinks I'm taking him for granted. He's the neighbor's, not ours. But he comes over every now and again."

Jake laughed. "I see. Why not just adopt him?"

I gasped with indignation. "Because he's not our cat, Jacob Somethingorother. He does have a home he just likes going on vacation to our home."

"Gotcha. Do you give him a spa day and better food, and stuff? I hear the wet food is the most coveted."

"My aunt gives him ricotta cheese whenever he's over. I don't because I don't want him to get fat."

"How cruel of you. You live with your aunt?"

"Yeah. Car accident got Mom and Dad when I was a kid."

"How old were you?"

"Eight."

"I was nine when my mom died. Same way."

"Sucks bro."

"Sucks," he agreed. He sighed. "So what else you up to?"

"I'm gonna have to put you down for a few minutes actually. If you hang up call me back in ten." I laid my phone down and set the hot water bottle aside, doing my army crawl hastily toward the bathroom.

When I returned I put the phone on speaker. "Still there?"

"Yup still there. Doing good?"

"Totally. So what are you up to?"

"Uh, working on outlining a paper for school."

"What's it about?"

"Whether or not Shakespeare existed."

"Oo, deep. What side are you on?"

"Eh, I decided to say no, just to Shake things up."

I laughed. "Brave of you." Cat tried to sit on my lap again and I lifted him around the middle to sit him aside. "How far you gotten?"

"Uh, not very."

"Well think about how you'd have an argument in your own life. Translate it into Standard English later. What argument would you start with?"

We spent the next twenty minutes outlining his paper; they'd found a few more arguments for both sides since I'd last studied Shakespeare. In the end we even had the paragraphs graphed by individual points. I had to make several intermissions but in the end we had a good talk. I hung up when I got hungry and Jake went back to his paper.

"How you doing?" Aunt Clara called when she got home.

"Same as I was this morning. When can I stop drinking?"

"An hour before you go to bed." She grinned, shaking her head as she headed for her bedroom to change. "Sorry love, it's the only way."

"Guuuuuuh."

"Do you really want blood poisoning?"

"Right now?" I made a face and tipped my head. "It could be negotiated."

She reappeared in civilian clothes. "So which episode are you on?"

"The one where Rory has to choose between two Amys."

"Oo, that's a harsh one."

"If you logic it out it's easier to cope with, but otherwise it just hurts."

"Well you stick with your logic. I like my feels train." Aunt Clara yawned, then flopped beside me. "So how's it going? Talk to Edward today?"

"Actually yes, we were texting for a while. I was talking to Jake on the phone too. I really need to remind people how much I like cellphones—they should call me more often."

She snapped off a strand of grapes still in my bowl. "Put up fliers. Who's Jake?"

"Oh, a guy I met down at La Push Beach. He's cheery, nice."

"Has Edward got competition?"

"I'm not going to start that conversation again."

"Not trying to, sorry, wasn't paying attention. So, Doctor Who. Where did you start?"

I plopped Cat onto Aunt Clara's lap. "Start of season five."

"You've been taking your time."

"Had to make pretty frequent intermissions."

"Gotcha. Hungry?"

"Probably should."

"Eh?"

"The water fills you up a bit too."

"I'll think of something." She stood again and went back into the kitchen. "So today," she started. "Today was a fun one. Don't you just love it when people are so convinced of the lack of authenticity in food that they think it's perfectly fine to feed their allergic-to-nuts-all-nuts child a PB&J for lunch every day? And the kid! He was in middle school and he didn't recognize himself that it was a bad idea."

I shook my head in sympathy. "Yeah, that 'nurture' side of the nature/nurture argument is sounding particularly relevant just now."

She rolled her eyes. "We can teach dogs to identify bombs and fruit in airports but we can't teach ourselves that an allergy to peanuts cannot be exposed to peanut butter? There are some days when I want to go back to journalism. I mean for the love of god."

"I'm shocked humans got this far, really."

I was still home sick on Thursday. This displeased me greatly. I would much rather be at school, where I could be more adequately worshipped. I had a text from Edward before I even woke up.

Nope, still won't be in class, I replied with a suggested sigh.

Would you like some company? he asked as I was lethargically stirring my granola into my yogurt.

I lifted my phone again and dropped it, rolling my eyes. Then I considered. I'm on the fence. But only if it doesn't impact possible company's grades.

I could almost hear him chuckling just over text message. I promise that if it impacts my grades it will not be negatively.

"All right, Seth, I'm heading out," said Aunt Clara. "Text me if you need anything, all right? And pull out a recipe if you remember."

My head jerked up. "All right. Have a good one."

"Later girl." She snapped the door behind her.

All right, sure. I smiled down into my cereal bowl despite myself.

I'll be there soon then.

I jumped. Oh can you bring some tangerines? I know the grocery store isn't on the way and I'll pay you back but Dr. Snow suggested them. Plus they've got a lot of water in them.

Not a problem, Seth.

You sure?

Seth. Tangerines are not expensive, and even then they would be little trouble.

All right, fine. Drive safe.

Always do.

As soon as I'd finished my granola I rolled back to my room to put my wig on. Almost immediately after that I heard a car in the driveway and grinned. I waited for the knock at the door and shouted, "Come in! For the love of sanity, don't make me come all the way to the door."

Hesitantly, he opened the door, and smiled when he saw me waving at him. He lifted the box of tangerines. "Your wish."

"Oo, so much power in my hands. Not sure I can handle it all."

"I have the greatest faith in your capabilities, thank you."

I made a face at him. "Thank you for what?"

"Thank you for not doubting my judgment."

I rolled my eyes and beckoned for the tangerines. He tore the netting and rolled me one. I tossed it back and forth between my hands, warming it as I thought. "Do you guys ever reread or rewatch things then? If you've got a perfect memory."

He shrugged. "Sometimes. Just because we can remember something doesn't mean it's necessarily the most enjoyable to sit through your memory of it instead of watching or reading or listening to it. We still listen to music. Why not reread or rewatch?"

"Makes sense." I started in on the tangerine, piling the peels next to me. "Got any homework?"

"It won't take more than a few minutes. You?"

"Mike dropped off yesterday's and Aunt Clara dropped it off this morning."

His brow puckered. "I would have gotten it for you."

I shrugged. "I forgot. Mike's been driving me more than you have still."

"I shall have to rectify that."

I rolled my eyes, grinning.

After my tangerine I rolled back to the couch, Edward bringing the rest of the tangerines and a dish for the skins with him. I heaved sideways, grimacing when my fluids jostled upon my landing on the cushions, and Edward rolled his eyes at me this time. "Sorry," I mumbled, exasperated. "I'm not accustomed to asking for help from a certain young-old man who seems determined to repeatedly pleasure me with his company."

"Well at least my company pleases you."

I lifted my nose with as much snobbery as I could imagine. "For now."

He smiled. "For now then."

I opened my mouth, but my phone hummed, and I beamed when I saw the name flashing on the screen. "Wanna meet another couple favorite people of mine?"

His eyes lit with interest. "Of course. Who are they?"

"The Sisters of Sassy Purgatory." I answered the call and held up the phone so whichever sister who had made the call could see me. "Tanesha, my love! How's life in the big city?"

She rolled her eyes at me. "Girl. How's life in Sporks?"

"Pretty good, doing good. The kids here are nice. There's a suitable pool of weirdos for me to get in with. Where's Tanaia?"

"Getting out of the shower in a minute. Or did you want me to go get her? I can get her." Tanesha stood up.

"No no no! Let me introduce you to someone." I turned the phone to the side so she could see Edward, who lifted a hand and politely waved, smiling.

Tanesha leaped into the air, squealing. "Oh my goodness!" She hurtled down the hall with her phone swinging at her side. "Tanaia, hurry up! Tanaia get out of the shower, Seth has a hot new friend." She whipped the phone back up to her face. "Wait is he your boyfriend?"

"Tanesha, this is Edward. Edward, Tanesha."

"Answer the question, Seth."

"We've been hanging out."

"Tanaia! Seth, how long you been hanging out? Hi Edward." She blew a kiss at him. Edward did not appear to know what to do about that.

"So what else you been up to?" I asked.

"Don't change the subject. How long you been hanging out?" She gestured between the two of us, now waiting outside the bathroom for her sister. "Whatchu been doing?"

"We visited the local tide pools," Edward answered pleasantly.

Tanesha made an extremely dissatisfied expression at him. "And?"

I scooted closer to Edward so she could see us both. "And what? Tide pools. Fish, starfish, anemones or whatever they're called."

"Bitch you said you've been hanging out. Meaning you have hung out more than once." She hammered on the bathroom door. "TANAIA."

Tanaia threw open the door and Edward laid a hand over his eyes, trying not to smile, on account of the towel being Tanaia's chosen choice of battle dress. "Oh my god, Seth. Oh shit. Girl he cute."

I chuckled. "Thanks. I didn't catch him you know."

"Well somebody did. Boy like that don't catch himself you know." Tanesha squished herself in next to her sister so she could see us too. "Boy whatchu got your hand over your eyes for?"

"Common decency?" he tried.

The other three of us looked at Tanaia. "I suppose that's fair."

Tanaia wrapped an arm modestly around the secured top of her towel and lifted one finger. "I'ma get right back with you. Don't say nothing interesting till I do."

"Should I just hang up?" I offered.

"Bitch don't even," Tanesha snapped, fluffing her hair. "So how'd you two meet?"

I elbowed Edward. "It's safe to look. We have a class together."

"Oh yeah—girl why aren't you in class?"

"I'm home sick. Why aren't you?"

"Skipping. Had a shit-ton of homework we wanted to work on."

"Yes and calling friends obviously accomplishes that goal. Seriously why is everyone else out of school willingly but me this week?"

"Who else has been willingly out of school this week?" Edward wondered.

"Jake, another buddy of mine. His school was on holiday."

Edward's brow furrowed with curiosity. "What holiday?"

I shrugged. "Dunno. He's one of the kids from La Push."

He nodded. "Hm."

"What class you got together?"

"Biology."

"Oo girl, that shit boring as hell. You told me they don't offer any AP classes like we've got here. Tanaia applied for the AP Chem next semester, but I think I'm gonna just go on to Human Biology. Regular Bio is too broad to really be interesting."

"I'm glad you agree."

Tanaia returned at a run. Tanesha had returned to the couch. The two sat wedged together. "Okay. So the juicies. You kissed yet?"

I rubbed my forehead. "Yes. Once."

"When was that?"

I shrugged. "Few days ago."

"Bitch please. What day?"

I rolled my eyes. "Saturday night."

They gave me matching looks of disgust. "And you haven't kissed him again since then? What's wrong witchu?"

Tanaia looked at Edward. "Honey, don't worry, we know it's not your fault. It's always Seth's fault in these matters."

"I am beginning to understand that," Edward replied.

"Seth, answer the damn question."

"Not something I want to talk about right now actually."

"Seth—"

"Seth—"

I hung up on them.

Edward looked askance at me. "Was that really necessary? I liked your friends."

My phone rang again and I answered it. "Don't make me do it again."

"Okay okay, fine. So whatchu doing next time?"

I spoke up. "I don't know, we don't have plans yet."

"Implying that you intend to have plans."

"I don't see why not, he's a friendly fellow."

"Well keep us informed." Tanesha's phone buzzed and the picture blurred. "All right y'all I gotta take this, it's my boo. Later!" She wagged her fingers at us, Tanaia too, and hung up.

I sighed and knocked my head against Edward's shoulder. "That was stressful."

He contorted to look down at me. "You call talking to your friends stressful?"

"No, seeing Tanaia's new tattoo was stressful. She really should have consulted me."

He chuckled, and adjusted to take a pillow off my lap and put it between my head and his hard shoulder, settling his arm lightly around me. "I am sure your advice is highly sought-after."

"As it should be."

His chest lifted and fell with a sigh. "If nothing else, I ask that you allow me to spend time with you because I'd like to help you do the things you think you can no longer do, and I am one of the few who can easily do so."

I blinked up at him, flickering a smile. "You mean like visiting tide pools?"

He nodded. "If all you wish to do is visit tide pools for the rest of your life, I would be honored to help you do so."

My lips twitched again, and I moved with a silent laugh.

He looked down at me, smiling. "You do that sometimes. Laugh without making sound."

"I know. Not really sure why."

(pg197)

Last Edit: 17 January 2017