BOOKTITLE : Fragile.

REVIEWER: Cakeo-San

AUTHOR: mohnie03

GENRE: Teenfiction, Romance.

-COVER: 8/10

The cover goes hand in hand with the story; though very simple it gets the job done. Yet, it could be more eye-catching with the addition of certain elements. A suggestion: Maybe include a picture of one of the main characters since you use very aesthetic face claims for them.

-BOOK TITLE: 10/10

The title visually correlates with the cover and directly goes with the book. The meaning of the title is later emphasized during the later chapters. Thus the title serves its purpose and fits the story well overall.

-BLURB/STORY DESCRIPTION: 8/10

The blurb itself is fine, it alludes to the story ahead and is rather interesting. My focus lies rather more on how it is written. The two pieces of dialogue you presented don’t have any punctuation (I noticed this throughout your entire work too) :

Written is: “I don’t think anyone will ever stay with me. They all leave. How am I sure you won’t leave too”

Should be: “I don’t think anyone will ever stay with me. They all leave. How am I sure you won’t leave too.” or “I don’t think anyone will ever stay with me. They all leave. How am I sure you won’t leave too,” I asked in tears as Creed held my hands in his.

Another thing to point out is the use of emojis. The crying emojis in the middle I felt were unnecessary. A blurb should just be words and super simple. The emojis toward the end would have been fine because you're claiming your mark on the story so, it's unique to you.

-PAGE LAYOUT (Paragraph, Spacing, Lines, Order of Sequence, Neatness): 5/10

Let us start with the paragraphs individually: there are too few actual paragraphs. Keeping your paragraphs at least 3-6 sentences (sans dialogue) is not only neater but easier on the reader’s eyes. So when you did have paragraphs they were at minimum 3 sentences. The thing is there is much more dialogue than actual narration, especially towards the last chapters you have posted. It gets to a point where dialogue in certain chapters makes up more of the story than narration/description.

As for the spacing of the lines, it is manageable though it can be tough on the eyes when there is a lot of dialogue. Mainly when throughout, the spacing is the same and, suddenly you switch back to narration. Suggestion: Add extra space before the start of the character’s conversations and after it.

As for the order of the events, towards the end, the inclusion of more drama made the story complicated. With the unclear mix of flashbacks, frequent change of POV, and going back to present from past tense, I became somewhat lost. There was too much happening all at once and, the sudden introduction of new side characters toward the end made me lose focus. The new characters could have slowly been introduced since the beginning if you felt they had to be included. I think that your goal (sorry if I’m wrong) there was to shock and bring further interest among your readers. But, you did not prepare your reader well enough so, it was more like an ” Oh.. okay” type of moment.

To make sure your shock value is at a high level, allude to it or develop it early on. It also seemed like you had an idea of what you wanted to happen but the execution could have been better.

-CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT: 4/10

I’ll only focus on Violet, Gunner, Creed, and Drew since they had the most lines and were introduced in the story from start to finish

Violet: It felt like we never really got to know Violet though you told us so much about her. In my mind, she just stayed as the “overly kind, fragile girl who gets her heartbroken and reasonably has trust issues and is scared of love/abandonment.” Even when we found out she came from a wealthy family, was diagnosed with BPD, and suffered amnesia it didn’t change anything. At least for me in retrospect to my perspective of Violet. That development was so sudden and, as stated prior, none of us were prepared for it. Maybe, you’ll progress Violet further when you add more chapters (if you plan to continue) but, from what I read there was little to none.

Gunner: One thing that I do give you props for is hitting it on the nail on making him more of a jerk than we already thought he was. I definitely felt anger towards his actions at the end, so well done. Yet, again the same thing with Violet, we never really got to know him. All the information we had was that he was the typical bad boy manwhore with no self-awareness and Violet’s boyfriend who stole her from his best friend. It was toward the end and just a bit of the beginning that he was given importance other than when the characters would refer to him.

Creed: It seems like the story is more about Creed than it is Violet. Though his development isn’t much of it, we understand him more. You let us know more about his feelings, his pain, and how he struggles with loving Violet. Creed had to be my favorite out of all the characters depicted in the story only because you gave me more to work with. Though not a unique character, you made him special by making him seem more than just that.

Drew: I would find Drew to be more of a supporting character than a major one. Just like the others, there isn’t much we know about him. Other than his purpose of being (I guess) a support system to Creed and somewhat of an overprotective friend of Violet. I know you mentioned that he views her as a sister but, the intensity with which you described his thoughts towards Violet made it seem like he was in love with her instead.

Other characters: I’ll comment that Ethan was somewhat interesting. The issue is that we only got a preview of him since you left him towards the end and then bombarded us with his thoughts and emotions. You should have included him way earlier because he could have worked as an overarching antagonist. You added his terrible relationship with his mother and his girlfriend cheating with Gunner. I felt that so much more could have been done with Ethan with a past like that. You included Paige and Ashely as major characters yet, Ashely was barely brought up and Paige was made somewhat significant only toward the end. Then two characters confused me as to why they were included: Daniella and Sage’s dad.

-GRAMMAR/VOCABULARY/SPELLING: 7/10

None of your dialogue has any punctuation at all, specifically toward the end of the dialogue.

As for vocabulary, it’s okay, rather limited. Keep the use of words like “cos” and “gonna” to text messages only. You can allow them in the character’s thoughts because that is unique to their speech but, even then, I wouldn’t suggest it. It's funny how using words like that can be a pet peeve for many people and make them disinterested from the entire story, that’s something no author wants!

-COMMUNICATION WITH READERS: 4/5

I understand that you have only a few consistent commenters though for the future, try to respond to commenters with more than just emojis and short phrases. You’d be surprised how happy people can become when they see that the author has not only noticed them but has taken the time to reply with an actual sentence. You want your readers to know that you appreciate them. I see that you already do (You post some very sweet and relatable things towards the end of a majority of the chapters) but go that extra mile!

-GENERAL SATISFACTION (Pleasure derived from reading the work): 8/15

Though the genre is my type of preferred read, it was the style and the execution of the story that put me off. What kept me eager to read was more the aspect of hopefully providing useful feedback, that maybe you could use towards the continuation of the novel (which I hope you do), more than the story itself. You gave us a plot, although an ordinary one, the plot is there, it was that the substance was lacking. I didn’t connect to the characters and, overall it just felt like words on a screen more than a narrative. There were times where you wrote lovely sentences that were not only structured correctly but made the most of the particular vocabulary used. It reached out to my emotions and invested me for a while. But a majority of the story isn’t like this. What matters is not mainly your plot but, what makes it unique to you which, leads to making it different from the rest.

Extra/Quick Pointers

The frequent switch of POV was very confusing, maybe leave it to one different POV per chapter? It would be best to just keep the POV range within the actual main characters.

You directly state when there is a flashback, that's fine but, why not just transition to it with a description? Instead of using {Flashback} and moving to it, give us a small transition paragraph. Not only does this pull in the reader more but, it's so much smoother.

Keep the use of emojis out of the story unless you are writing text messages. It makes things more professional and classier. (Keep them toward the end when you reach out to your readers)

Describe more! For example, you gave us an extra page of what the characters would be wearing to the airport. Why not just write it out? It doesn’t have to be in full-blown detail, but give us a minor description. Maybe relate Creed’s choice of outfit (leather bomber jacket) to his emotions? Such as maybe how big the jacket fit him represented how he was drowned in pain too big for his heart to carry. (See the connection?)

-TOTAL: 54/80

THANK YOU FOR SUBMITTING YOUR WORK FOR REVIEW AT TSC. WE WISH YOUR WORK GREAT SUCCESS. -TSC.