I turned to look at him.

I was intent on catching him in a lie.

"So, you don't want to kill me?" My voice hitched at the end, almost like a hopeful pleading that he reassure me- again.

He was afraid to chuckle at my question, the way he caught the corner of his lip to prevent doing so creating more tension rather than diffusing it.

I didn't think the man capable of being aware of his own dominance and stature.

I raised my eyebrows as if to reiterate my question, given he had yet to actually respond.

"Of course not Edie. Deep down you know this. You can sense it... I know you can."

I gulped.

He wasn't wrong. But I was to obstinate to agree; and too tired to argue.

I ran my fingers through my hair, embarrassment seeping through my pores as I let out a sigh.

"I'm such an idiot. I don't even know how I can show my face anymore."

I shook my head at the realization of my actions.

I was mortified. The rose blooming across my cheeks like a sunset made Phelan aware of the fact too.

He sat down, leaning his back against the bed frame as his face turned to mine. He wasn't close enough to touch me, but close enough to provide comfort from his presence.

I watched as he bent his knee, resting an arm on it as he became lost in deep thought.

"I know if I were in your position I would have thought the exact same..." he trailed off.

"It's... difficult to explain. I gave up thinking you'd find your way here..."

Something in his gruffness gave way to tenderness as each passing word softened further.

But it almost came across as defeated, or resignation perhaps.

I was tentative in my query. I wanted to know more. I took advantage of his vulnerability, and pressed further, "Why do you sound so... so letdown?"

"Because it is a cruel twist of fate Edie. You are my mate and I can't have you. I'm supposed to protect you but I cannot."

His words stung me like a slap in the face. I felt myself wince at his statement, it came across as blasphemous. Did he not see what I had seen?

"How can you say that? You've saved my life- more than once... what is this about?"

I shook my head, confusion etching itself across my face.

"Edie... our culture... our traditions... they serve a purpose for our kind. For you however... I know not of the implications. I'm fighting a losing battle..."

"A losing battle?"

"We run off instinct. I can't stand being around you because I'm on the verge of losing myself and I don't want to scare you or hurt you... I want to keep you here..."

I nodded, all but forgetting my earlier fear. A cautious smile curled from my lips that peeked it's way from beneath my downcast gaze.

Tentatively, I reached my hand out to his, but kept the rest of me still. I was worried that I was going to unbalance the equilibrium between us. I wanted so badly to lean into his touch.

It was the truth that I hadn't been brave enough to admit to myself, drunken Edie not withstanding that is. But given his willingness to put his heart on the line, was it not fair that I too offered the same in return?

"Phelan."

His fingertips interlaced with mine before he traced up and down my index finger and then the next... traveling along the tip of my nails, he examined my hands closely as if they were a map of the world.

"Your scent isn't laced with fear anymore."

I could hear the relief in this voice as he trailed off,  "You do not understand how utterly perfect you are to me Edie. Everything about you is wonderous, I could never tire of exploring every inch of you."

I scooted closer to him. Slowly turning around on the floor before nestling my back against him. I melted against his chest. The warmth of him wrapping me like a blanket, and I couldn't stop myself from inhaling deeply, the wilderness that was him pulling me in deeper and deeper.

Resting my head against his chest, I listened to his heart beat. Despite his stoic expression, it was hammering loudly, and I wondered if it was I that had elicited the reaction.

I was but a bystander to the feeling between us and I could do nothing but surrender to him.

"I am sorry I lashed out at you... You know why don't you?" 

I kept ahold of his forearms as if I was afraid that he was going to unwrap himself from me.

He waited for me to continue.

"I... I was hurt. I was worried that my feelings weren't reciprocated. I feel out of control when it comes to you and it's scaring me."

I peered at him from under my lashes and was struck by what I saw as he digested my words. Where he showed others a monster, I saw the look of a tender soul, a warmth that had long been buried inside that I was being gifted with the presence of.

This... this is what he meant. Sacred.

I felt him lean down before gently pressing his lips on my forehead. He held them there, his warm breath fanning across my skin as he did so.  I wanted to hold the moment in time, stilling my breath as if any other movement would crack the scene and destroy it. 

I couldn't hold back anymore. It was a hunger I couldn't ignore. I needed to taste him. Feel him. It was like a heat had overtaken me and the need to kiss him was growing with every passing second.

I shifted around to face him, and moved carefully as I sat myself down in his lap. He studied my movements, like he could barely believe the reality before him. His silence showed he me was complicit as he made no move to stop me.

And then I did it. As I nestled my hips against his, I cupped his face, guiding it closer to mine, before placing my lips on his. Gently at first before continuing with need. I felt him rumble before a snarl rose from his chest. Squeaking in surprise, I jumped before looking to him for reassurance.

His palms traced the arch of my back, lifting slightly from under my jumper, pulling me closer until I felt my chest squeeze against his.

Slipping my hands onto his shoulders to steady myself, our lips fell into a rhythm.

I knew he was letting me take the lead. But I was thankful that it was at my own pace, and not beyond what I was ready for.

He didn't object when I slowly pulled away. Panting heavily, I had to stop myself before letting things go too far.

His eyes settled on my lips as he licked his own. He understood my caution.

"Your scent Edie..." His voice strained.

I giggled in slight offence. "Do I need deodorant?!"

The deepest of chuckles rumbled from his chest at whatever he found so funny before he planted his lips against my forehead yet again and murmured to himself.

"So innocent..."

I had no idea what he meant but I was filled with such content at our closeness that it was easy to let go.

I shrugged my shoulders as I sat in his lap, stroking his corded arms as he had done to mine earlier.

"Are you still afraid?"

"Yes. I cannot mark you Edie. I will not risk losing you. I'd rather not complete our bond than sever it completely. Having you here with me is enough."

"Is it though, is it not torture for you?"

"It has to be enough."

"What is going to happen now?" I wasn't sure if I meant to us... to myself... or something else entirely.

I buried myself into the side of his neck, inhaling deeply as he mulled on his reply.

"You don't need to worry about that. You are staying here. I will handle The Guild. And after that... we will figure it out as we go."

****

I couldn't believe the strangeness that was now my life. Where fantasy and fiction blurred into reality. Childhood stories where werewolves were written like monsters that prowled in the night. But here I was in the lap of my own, wondering if I had my own monster that was harboured deep within.

Was it possible? I still had so much to learn.