Trigger warning ⚠️
Please read author's note at the end. 🥺
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A

zlaan's POV,
The first bench on the class was empty and there was no sign of Meher anywhere in college....4 days in a row. Her screams were still ringing in my ears. Fuck! Even though she wasn't around me, she was still annoying.

"Miss Zoya." I called out to her friend as I found her after college in the corridor.

"Yes sir?" She walked towards me.

I cleared my throat trying to shake off the uneasiness.
"Where's...uh... where's your friend? She didn't come to college again."

"Um...you mean Meher?"

"Hm"

"I don't know. We haven't been in touch lately. I'll check on her." She said.
"Please don't worry."

"I'm not worried!" I snapped heatedly making her finch.
"And aren't you two neighbours?"

"Um...yes. I live in the opposite block. I'll visit her today." She said with her head down.

"Hm...you may leave."

She nodded and left with her friends. Now that I think about it, I haven't seen her much with anyone else, not even Zoya, but she's always around that.... Imraan.

Imraan's POV,
"The person you're trying to reach, is not answering. Please try again later....jis wyakti ko aap...."

I disconnected the call again as by now I was tired of hearing the same record again and again, sitting in the canteen. Why isn't Meher answering my call? She didn't even come to college for 4 days! She never does that. She's soo keen on her attendance. Is she ok or did she go on a trip? She has also been ignoring me for a while now and it's been making me uneasy.

Should I visit her home?
No that won't be appropriate. Her brother knows me but wasn't he in Pune? Did she go there too? She doesn't even have much friends I could ask.

Wait, there's her friend Zoya she always talks about. Now, where can I find her?
I thought walking through the second floor corridor and when I looked down, she was already exiting the gate. I sighed. There was no way I could catch up to her.

I sank my arms and head leaning on the edge of the wall in disdain.

Where are you Meher? I want to see you again.

####
Meher's POV,
My fever's down today finally but now I was vomiting my guts out. Could I be pregnant?
No! Could something soo painful and forced lead to pregnancy.

Mumma rubbed my back holding my forehead as I could hardly stand leaning on the wash basin. My insides felt like they were knotting.

"Mumma....am I... pregnant?" I questioned weakly.

"Maybe not. Don't you remember you have acidity problem. You haven't eaten properly for days. Your vomit is yellow and bitter right?"

"Hm."

"Come now. Take a Dompan on empty stomach first. I've made some porridge. Eat it all after that. No arguments!" She scolded softly and helped me to my bed and went again to the bathroom to clean my mess not before handing me water n that huge tablet.

I swallowed the big bitter pill with difficulty almost gagging but Alhamdulillah, it went in. I hate that tablet.

Just then, I heard the doorbell and fear arose in me making my blood run cold.

"Mum...."

I cannot face him please.

I pleaded with my eyes to her and she was going to get the door and she sighed.
"I'll say you're sleeping....but you can't be like this forever."

I nodded. I'd agree with anything but at that moment, I just couldn't even hear his voice. So I pulled my knees closer covering my face and ears with my pillow.

I was scared.....soo scared.

"Meher....oye Meher. Why are you hiding like this? Oye...."

Someone tried to pull my pillow and I whimpered holding onto it tightly.

No no no no....

"Meher yaar.... I'm no ghost, I'm Zoya!"

Huh, Zoya?

I pulled the pillow down slightly and relief flooded over me.
"Zoya!" I jumped up throwing my arms around her. I was soo happy to see her and happy to know that.....it wasn't him.

She patted my back.
"So happy huh?"

I nodded.

She then hugged me tighter.
"I'm sorry na.... I.... shouldn't have yelled at you like that. I suddenly told you that I liked your brother, of course, you would be tongue tied and as much as I know you, you always get lost for words at the slightest confusion or discomfort."

"I'm sorry." I mumbled.

She broke the hug smiling.
"Don't be, you silly girl."

It made me smile slightly. My bff was no longer mad at me and we were sitting like this after soo long. It felt nice.

"But, Meher, why do you look soo pale? Your eyes are all sunken and you look like a ghost and....what is this hair?!" She inquired observing my features.

Maybe she would understand, if I tell her about Azlaan, she would....

I opened my mouth to speak but I was interrupted by Mumma.

"She had a fever because she ate too much icecream and washed the dishes with cold water. Then you know na Zoya, how much she fusses to eat when she's sick. So now her acidity increased and is vomiting." Mom lied as if it was soo normal but, when I tried to counter, one look from her made me shut up.

I gulped back my words painfully.

"Oh...is that so. Tsk, you shouldn't do that. Come, I'll make you eat." She said pinching my nose.

"Oh, you're such a nice girl Zoya!" Mumma smiled and Zoya blushed being complimented by her desired mother in law.

When Mumma went to the kitchen, Zoya held both my hands and giggled.
"Help me earn some brownie points."

I forced a slight smile nodding.

I couldn't tell her.

"Maybe this would make you happy...Jiju was asking about you~" she sang but my heart skipped with anxiety.

"Huh?"

She giggled.
"He sounded worried but he was trying to hide it. Hehe, that is soo cute. I hope Mazhar would be the same with me." She was blushing and she didn't call him bhai this time.

I let out a short laugh but nothing was funny. However, it was ironic. The one that gave me pain was worried about me.
"Worried huh?"

"Uhm.... Meher. You look creepy right now. Are you ok?"

I threw my head back on the bedpost staring into space, picturing all the times he has said those things like...
"Ugly, creepy, disgusting.... pathetic. That's all me huh? Still Zoya, why is it that...." I looked at her as all those words and the memories of that pain and helplessness was driving me insane. I was angry and frustrated and I didn't know what to do but scream.
".... I'm the only one married? Not you, nor bhai, not anyone our age...then WHY ME!?" The tears were back again and my voice choked.
"What... did I ever do soo wrong?! I... I never asked for it Zoya.... I never wanted this!" I sobbed.

"Meher! Why are you yelling at me? What's my fault here? I never forced you to marry!" She got on her feet yelling back at me, louder than me.

"So now I can't even yell at you? Have I even lost that right on you?" I yelled back more with heartache than anger.

"Zoya...." I whimpered.
"You're the only one I can talk about this thing! The only one I can share my pain with, or.... is it even to late for that?"

Have I lost my best friend....my sister already?

She just gaped at me for a while then shook her head.
"You know what, you're way to emotional right now. You need some time alone. Ok. Get some rest until your brain starts working properly. I'm leaving." She reckoned and then left me. Alone!

But how could I explain it to her that..... I was tired of being alone.

I hugged my knees and cried my heart out again.

Alone....alone....alone! Why am I always alone?! Why can't anyone understand me? Why am I such a hopeless and terrible person? What sins did I commit to be soo hated by everyone?

My eyes stringed with all the crying and my head felt light making me dizzy. I hadn't eaten anything since last night and it was already afternoon. I lifted my head from my knees resting my forehead on the palm of my hand as the room was spinning. But my eyes stopped at the little orange bunny laying on the floor attached to my bag staring at me all the while when I was crying. It brought a smile on my face. That little doll was always watching me huh. That means I wasn't alone.

Why do you look soo down?
You're surprisingly strong for a weak little girl?
And.... you're a cry baby!
Hey Meher....
Stop building castles in the air and concentrate on the balance sheet.
You're cooking is amazing!
Meher... I promise. No one can hurt you until I'm here with you.
I'll be with you here....

You're always there Imraan, aren't you? I was the one who pushed you away and someone did hurt me. A lot.

I got of the bed stumbling a little as his voice echoed in my ears and his smile flashed in front of my eyes. He's always smiling at me, his eyes always soo sincere and his words always hold a firm resolve. I sat on the ground near the bag taking the keychain in my hand. The softness of the fur tickled my skin making my smile grow.

You're a good friend to me Imraan but sadly.....just a friend.

#####
Sitting back and doing nothing was driving me to the verge of insanity. I was useless anyways but sitting on my butt all day was the proof of how useless I was and I didn't want that. So after forcing the big bowl full of rice porridge down my throat, I felt bit better and had enough strength to move around and work a little. So I went to help Mumma with the chores. She said nothing and just gave me simple works to do. 

I was peeling and cutting carrots for the pulao while Mumma went to the toilet.
Still, even while keeping myself busy in work, I couldn't truly keep my brain occupied. Azlaan's words were haunting me like a ghost. The loathing in his eyes for me, the venom in his words and the roughness of his arms bruising me....it was...ouch! I

The knife slipped from the carrot coming over my thumb causing a deep cut. It sting and soon blood was oozing out from it. Crimson red blood over my rough pale skin dripping down in a line. It was almost....pretty.

Aree...what was it that I was thinking about? The sudden jolt, the crimson blood and the pain.... even though momentarily, but made me forget about everything else. All those haunting thoughts came to a standstill  even if just for a minute because of that cut.

Hurting myself, made me forget the hurt he caused me.

Can it be?

I pulled the sleeve of my left arm till right above my elbow looking at the smooth flesh. My heart was pounding audible in the empty kitchen accompanied by the sound of the fan as I held the blade of the knife slightly above the joint on my forearm. I gulped as I was frightened but....the voices were back.

You're useless.

You're soo ugly it's frustrating.

It's all your fault.

I'm stuck in this marriage with someone soo pathetic like you.

Why did I give birth to such a useless daughter?

You're soo selfish Meher. You only care about your own happiness.

You need to be alone...

Ever heard about waxing. Your legs look like a gorilla's.

You're pathetic!

CUT!

And the voices stopped!

I opened my eyes seeing a thin line of crimson blood oozing out and then slowly trickling down my arm. It made me shiver and it stinged badly.

My lips curved into a smile and tears blurred my vision.

I found an escape to my pain....with pain.

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Assalamualaikum Everyone!

How was the chapter? It mostly concentrated on Meher's feelings rather than the story ahead but I guess u could've noticed how important this chapter was by the end of it.

I wanted to explain how she was hurt physically, mentally and emotionally even. Something that our society thinks is soo casual can be such a burden on the victim to wreck them up completely.

Also, most importantly...
🙅🏻‍♀️🙅🏻‍♀️🙅🏻‍♀️ I Do Not Promote or Support Self Harm  🙅🏻‍♀️🙅🏻‍♀️🙅🏻‍♀️

It's absolutely Haram and it's a serious issue sadly seen among a lot of youngsters, especially teenagers.
Back in school, I had many classmates who did such things but let me remind you Do Not do it!

Self harm and cutting is like an addiction. Just like drugs or smoking. Your body is your 'Amanat' which you need to take care of for the sake of Allah.
Allah is Al-Musawwir and he brings into existence whatever he wills and in whatever manner he wills it. ... He says “Be!” and it is. He is the fashioner of every creation and has given it a special form whereby it is distinguished.

We belong to him and why would you want to harm something that already belongs to Allah swt?

Your skin isn't fragile as a paper to cut it and mind well, it's no fun or anything exciting to try.
It's painful and pointless and it's no escape from pain but a road to the depts of Depression.

So if you're doing such a thing, please stop and talk to someone. Maybe a friend, a family member, someone you trust....just anyone or try to get closer to your Lord. He'll surely pull u out of this and brighten up your dark path.

This message isn't just for my Muslim brothers and sisters, but even the non muslim brothers and sisters reading this.
Don't hurt yourself in the way of finding an escape, because it would only drag you deeper in your pain.

Next chapter on Tuesday or Wednesday.